Lining up my divorce ducks, which ducks do you regret, which ones do you celebrate?

Exactly what mine was like- he had the version he kept for me and me alone, and the version everyone else saw. Dropping that one email- which wasn’t even as bad as some of the ones he sent- made him play nicely as he was terrified he’d be publicly exposed for what he actually was instead of the nice guy image he’d carefully created for himself.

From my parents and in laws numerous divorces (they are on 5 between them) I have leant that protecting the mental health of your kids and yourself is key. You need support from someone outside of it all who isn't caught up in the drama, as there is always drama. No-one wins a divorce and my relatives who are still trying to win decades later are all very unhappy people.

My DC are both young adults now and by far the best thing we did, was remain on good terms, discuss any issues with our kids and present a united front. Even though they are adults now, my ex will still message me if he has concerns re the kids. It wasn’t easy at first, as he hurt me so much (not an affair) but being a child that grew up with parents who argued non stop (and stayed together), I didn’t that for my kids.

One regret, never pushed maintenance, though he did save and paid for their uni so no student loans. But he is in a much better financial position than me. But I don’t think we’d have achieved the above if started arguing about money, so it is what it is, and I can support myself. Just be no early retirement for me!

People often talk about not sweating the small stuff & putting DC first. 100% agree. But how can you do this if other partner is being v destructive and refusing to engage? People talk about grey rock but is it possible to grey rock or rise above if the other person is being horrendous and causing as much trouble as poss

I dont know your circumstances OP but id be wary of presuming you'll get more than 50% even if he's done something terrible. Its a legal contract not a judgement on who did what etc. If you have kids considerably more or giving you more than 50% protects kids *keeping family home then perhaps but making shitty decisions doesnt mean anything in this context.

I firmly believe the mantra that it’s not divorce that damages children it’s what comes after.

parents who turn divorce into high conflict, weaponised state where they are constantly at battle, can’t be in same room can’t attend functions together, kids stuck in the middle not wanting to upset either etc = awful

one like mine where we remained civil, were flexible, lived close by, where arrangements could change depending on what kids wanted to do or what social
things they had on, where we attended school plays or parents evening together, where we made a cup of tea when they popped round , etc , us much better. I realise this is not always possible but this was not easy at times, emotions high on both sides, at times we both thought the other was awful , unfair, etc. with terrible arguments etc. but above all else we still always achieved the above whatever else was going on as were adamant we would not make it high conflict fir the children. It definitely required compromise and simply letting things go sometimes ( and I’m sure he’d say the same about me)

years later with now older teens I’m very glad we took this approach

From my sister, whose ex husband did her SO DIRTY, she was always pleasant and civil to him in front of the kids.

I did this way, saved a fortune. Did finacial order that way too.

I wish I hadn't overpaid when I bought him out but I was convinced he would change his mind and not leave.

Spend some joint money now if you can, next size up trainers etc, winter coat for you and them. Sounds silly but I was left skint and glad I did this.

Remember the people you both are now are not who you will be. We agreed loads then prioritises change we went from 50 50 child care to him only having them for tea some nights and 1 weekend in 8. Im exhausted, knackered but he has them an extra half hour and he's dad of the year. Be ready for more changes once they/you find a partner.

Book and pay for some treats coming up, then when its all a bit shit you have a night away.

I used to tell myself "the me in 12 months will be glad this me was this strong" because its hard. But the peace it will bring you is priceless. No stage lasts forever, you will manage it all. 3 years ago I left took the kids to benidorm for a week, and its my proudest moment. It made it all worth it no one shouted at us, told us where to be, got up mid meal as they had finished so we all had to be finished.

Even if you drop a duck it will be ok!

My divorce was 30 years ago.
My main piece of advice would be to never fight over things that just don't matter. My mum bought me 2 books on surviving divorce. One of them said ' never fight over washing machines,dishwashers,cutlery etc if you could have simply replaced it after a couple of months.
I grieved the end of my marriage for far too long.He had multiple affairs, left me to bring up our 3 year old and 2 year old children alone and was an absolute shit but I was still devastated. Stupid, so stupid.I watched a video years and years later that said ' why would you want that? '. Why indeed. Life has been so much better without him

Again. OP asked for OTHER folks experience at the time of their own divorce.
Which is how I responded. No advice or views about how it should or should not be done and I've stated explicitly that what I did was because it was necessary in my case. OP will, I guess, take from all the posts what is useful 🙂.

Get pension valuations ... can take a long ti.e!

Accept that morally fair and legally fair are two completely different things.

Don't assume that he has your best interests at heart. When it comes to finances he probably doesn't.

The financial agreement will have a very real impact on the rest of your life, not least where you can afford to live and when you can afford to retire.

Don't let any guilt you may feel at ending the marriage make you soft, and don't be scared to ask for what you're entitled to.

Try and settle amicably. If solicitors and barristers become involved it can cost a fortune.

Glad I did:

• set up a WhatsApp group of my 3 closest friends and would share printscreens of ex’s msgs to gage honest opinions on responding. They were my real life version of ChatGPT and all messages between us become factual with less emotion because of my amazing friends. Forever grateful for that group (plus saved time updating them separately and sometimes others have shit on when you need help, so they all stepped in when they could without one friend being the only person supporting)
• put my DC at the centre of every decision. And I mean really at the centre. Every emotion, thought and action will be noted by your ex. If it is only about DC and not your feelings about him, it can only be positive.
• went to mediation. If you have DC there’s a voucher of £500 you can claim to pay for some of it. Focus of mediation was about DC and declaring financials. It started out well, when ex realised starting point was 50/50, it went south. The DC schedule was agreed in mediation so there were positives out of it.
• changed my Will the minute he left. Beneficiaries of pension, life assurance etc, all changed. Whilst divorce is pending, if you die unexpectedly, he’s get everything. No way was that happening!!
• Agreed we’d keep joint account open for DC and pay an amount each per month. We worked out approx amount per year with all extra curricular activities, school meals, clothes etc and still pay the same each month. This takes away any future arguments of “i paid for school shoes last year” etc. everything child related comes out of joint account. If account looks healthy, we reduce amount following month, and visa versa if we need to top up.
• I focused on myself - went back to basics. Despite the gut wrenching heart ache, anxiety and instability I put the right food in me, I walked daily (then started in the gym / home workouts, then running) and I did all the shit that’s good for your mental health ( therapy, journalling, setting big goals, sleep). The divorce journey was hard but this part was needed to come out of it the other side so much stronger, healthier, fitter and grounded.
• didnt sweat the small stuff. Not worth it.

Biggest things I’d do differently:

• wouldn’t have jumped back into dating to find someone. It was too early. Don’t regret the fun I had but I wasn’t healed and I got into a thing about 6 months later and it was too soon and my insecurities came out in that relationship. I missed the red flags and I got hurt. I changed tact after that. Still dated but slowed the fuck down with it.
• not trust mutual friends. Someone said it earlier, your ex is not the same person once your marriage end. You don’t know him from that point forward so be skeptical of his actions and your friends. One conversation with a close friend got back to my ex and the knock on affect was not good.
• be mindful of what you put on socials. Stay humble and mysterious at the same time. No shame in sharing what you’re going through, but once it’s out there, it will get back to your ex one way or another.
• solicitors cost money every 6 minutes. Every email is a unit of 6 minutes +, and so is every response. ChatGPT your emails to them to be clear on expectations. As above, utilise mediation and online resources but if you do need to use a solicitor, keep comms clear and concise on what you need from them, even if you don’t know, say that “I’m looking for your advice on this…”

Also wanted to add that 3 years on, I don’t have regrets and we are in a much better place apart than we were together. Co parenting is successfully working. As @millymollymoomoo said, if you can live near each other, stay amicable, attend school things together as a united front, communicate openly about DC, when they are teens, it helps. Teenage years are testing anyway, so when there’s two households, two sets of rule, maybe even partners etc, you and your ex need to be aligned, no matter how much you dislike each other. We do it well and even more so in the last 12 months during GCSE years for both DC’s.

As to what you should do now - is to get as clear picture of your joint financials as you can.
Shenanigans you mention are not likely to get you any more than 50% of your joint assets. Whatever financial decisions he made that affected your family financially - are in the past. And family finances are what they are.
If you were a high earner, and gave up your career - then sometimes in place of compensation in the form of spousal maintenance, you could try to argue for more than half.
Or if your earning potential was really low, or if there were a health issue....

So - be realistic and don't think that what is morally right to you is what the legal outcome of separation will be.

So - do your maths and prepare. How will you live with half assets and, child maintenance he'll be due, I am guessing. That is a good place to start

@moonwombat
I agree to keep things amicable but you need to remember when things progress hes not your friend especially when it comes to the division of finances / family home.

I told dsis, during her financial order, "hes your enemy, in your mind treat him as such"

Dsis wouldn't have it, he was her DH, they had shared memories, shared a life, had a child, he was a good guy deep down 🤷‍♀️ etc.

He turned up in court with a SHL and royally screwed Dsis over.

Also, dont bank on getting more out the home, after spending a day in court as dsis macenzie friend, the courts dont care who contributed what, who needs to house the DC, who earns more.

All they want is a clean break.

Dsis has a disabled DC, she's about to lose her home, has to give Exh half and will come out of it without enough to house herself and DC even though she owned the house years before she met the Exh and has soley paid the mortgage for the past 8yrs since he left.

My advice is to prepare for the worst and you won't be disappointed.

Not a very cheery post but you need to protect yourself as best you can, if you can ❤️

Don't shoot yourself in the foot regarding finances to be kind. This is the most cooperative he's ever going to be regarding finances for the children. They move on.

Under no circumstances let him talk you out of every penny you are owed and if required a larger share of the property under the guise of being "nice and civilised". You will be taking the food out of your children's mouths.

Never fails to amaze me that there are so many shit men out there.....