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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable not to agree to his new child access rota

164 replies

Princess90x · 16/06/2026 23:36

I have a current court order where ex has children 4-3-4 on his 13 day off rota. Based on 2 weeks on 2 weeks off

Well tonight he is saying he is going on a 3 week on 3 weeks off.

So I went on current base line of our court order i hold the lives with said 3-2-3 on his proposal coming december
Our children are 11 and currently 2 (3 in december)
He kept saying he has the children currently 12 nights now and I said that's not the case based on our shared calendar hence me stretching the 8 nights across the 3 weeks and saying sharing the summer holidays equally if his off rota permits it
If we cannot agree we will go mediation
We talk via talking parents so he went off on one saying he's contacting his solicitor so I said okay

But im just confused who says i agree to be a solo parent no check ins for 3 weeks no help off him during that time i didn't agree to current but a mans work needs trumps right? (he talks to 11 year old via text or FT on his current schedule sometimes might talk to 2 year old if he's not busy toddlering) but he never asks me any questions about them during his 2 weeks at work anyways again communication is via a court app i can't work out if im the high conflict one or him because i won't agree and neither will he 😂 what do i do we went court in may last because as I said he wanted to have not 50/50 but me 53% and his 47% based on his off rota ended up with this set up 🤷

OP posts:
Sensiblesal · 17/06/2026 01:15

Does he work off shore on oil rigs or something so practically can’t have them when he is working cos he is not in the country?

I think you need to go to mediation/court because what you are saying makes no sense/is difficult to understand.

do you work or does he help with childcare costs when you have them full time and he is away at work? If he is 3 weeks on then 3 weeks off & he wants them 50/50 he should have them FT on his 3 weeks off but that wouldn’t be fair to you or reasonably the kids as 3 weeks not seeing one parent is a lot esp the 2yr old.

assume him changing jobs would come at a financial cost to him & you

99bottlesofkombucha · 17/06/2026 00:45

Ok op, stop. Breathe. You are exceptionally difficult to understand. Currently he does 2 weeks on 2 weeks off for work, and you have the dc the 2 weeks he’s working and you do 4 him 3 you 4 him the two weeks he’s not working.
He wants to make it 3 / 3 so you do 3 weeks and then he does something something 12 days couldn’t follow.
the agreement says shared holidays, which you have interpreted as sharing summer and he has interpreted as sharing all on an arrangement that works with his work.

id see a lawyer to help me understand what’s reasonable and best for the kids as 3 weeks is hell no and the current arrangement doesn’t sound right either, and go back to court.

Original poster
Princess90x · 17/06/2026 00:35

Tigerbalmshark · 17/06/2026 00:24

If he doesn’t have them at all when he is at work, 12 days sounds quite reasonable - would work out at 104 days per year either way.

Nope but he justified that saying he is a working parent i should of allowed him to parent on his five and half months a year back home..

i gave him fri-mon offered him extra time during the week to take them out for tea or activities then thur-sun two months after splitting up because it became apparent he wasn't changing his job for true 50-50
Or offering any flexibility or help back during his time back at work 🤷

OP posts:
Tigerbalmshark · 17/06/2026 00:24

If he doesn’t have them at all when he is at work, 12 days sounds quite reasonable - would work out at 104 days per year either way.

Original poster
Princess90x · 17/06/2026 00:18

Yes he has them 8 nights of 28 and shared summer holidays at current, speaks to eldest via text or facetime whilst he is at work

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 17/06/2026 00:16

Let’s see if I can make sense of this.

He works 2 weeks then is off for 2 weeks. When he’s working, you have the children full time. When he isn’t working, he has them 4 days, then 3 days with you, then 4 days with him, then 3 days with you, adding up to 14 days in total, 8 with him.

Is this right, so far?

Now he’s changing to 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off. Where he’s getting the 12 from is the 8 per fortnight plus an extra week, which he’s assuming he gets 4 days of.

Where you’re getting the 8 from is the original 8 per fortnight without allowing any extra for the third week.

I think he’s probably closer than you to be honest, though 3 and a half days in week 3 would be the pedantic split.

However, if it fucks up your work or childcare arrangements or anything, you don’t have to go along with it just because his work pattern has changed. Mediation may be a sensible next step.

Original poster
Princess90x · 17/06/2026 00:14

Do i agree to his proposal of the 12 nights or have I done right saying about going mediation but to be fair why do the children have to bend over backwards to accommodate his work rota? Shouldn't it be him who bends over backwards to the children's needs especially when our youngest is so young..
And our eldest is and has gone though so much change in the past 2 years as it is ( he was awake when I found ex was having an affair ex is currently engaged to new lady) I have nothing bad to say about either of them to be honest I just haven't a clue what to do

He told people after court he was going to get a job what was uk based he was saying it for months until I told him if thats true to a future job change then every other weekend and a night in between, Again he said I don't agree that was in the august of last year nothing was said until tonight 🙄

OP posts:
WoollyandSarah · 17/06/2026 00:06

Even with the clarification, this is still really hard to follow.

Does he see them at all when he is on his 2 weeks working? Or only on his 2 weeks off?

Over the course of 4 weeks, how many nights does he have them for? Is it 8 out of 28 nights?

When he moves to 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off, will he only see them on his weeks off? Is he asking for 12 out of 42 nights?

Original poster
Princess90x · 17/06/2026 00:05

Sorry I was writing what I was thinking so its come out as word vommit 🤣🤷

Because he was trying to say he wanted 50/50 based on his off rota before court last year especially when our toddler was just only 1 court disagreed with him and gave him 8 nights split and shared school holidays maybe I assumed it meant the 6 week holiday as the court order at present is vague at moment lots of things got agreed to in court just to shut it down quickly on first hearing 😳 might be good if he takes me back to court so we can tighten it up more

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 16/06/2026 23:55

Are you saying you do four days alternating when he is off but nothing when he is working? That definitely isn’t 50/50!

Is he wanting to do four on and four over three weeks instead? Then that would increase wouldn’t it? 21 days - he would have three lots of four days so 12 in total? I think. Your post is a confusing…

Hayley1256 · 16/06/2026 23:54

Is he saying it will be 12 nights when he does 3 weeks off? What do you want the arrangement to be if he needs to work 3 weeks on 3 weeks off, does he get any weekends off during the 3 weeks?

Original poster
Princess90x · 16/06/2026 23:50

HowardTJMoon · 16/06/2026 23:42

Forgive me but I can't quite understand what you're saying is your current schedule and what he wants to change it to.

But if you're saying that you went to court last month to set the schedule and only a few weeks later he's now saying it needs to change then it's hard to say that you're the one being difficult.

Sorry i posted to quick may 2025 forgive I have edited that mistake..
he works 2 weeks on 2 weeks off based on current court order he has them 4 nights 3 nights back to me then 4 nights back to him shared school holiday the wording of the court order hasn't been done properly anyways so he thinks every school holiday i must share if his work rota permits it..

Tonight he has messaged saying he has been given notice come December he is changing to 3 weeks on 3 weeks off and wants the current nights which to him is 12 nights which isn't true during his 3 weeks off sorry if I didn't word that clearly maybe I still haven't 😐
So I said based on current its 8 nights and he said no it's 12 I'm sat here thinking WHAT looking at the shared calendar what is saying otherwise 🥴

OP posts:
saraclara · 16/06/2026 23:47

I didn't understand a word of that. Can you explain what those numbers mean please?

HowardTJMoon · 16/06/2026 23:42

Forgive me but I can't quite understand what you're saying is your current schedule and what he wants to change it to.

But if you're saying that you went to court last month to set the schedule and only a few weeks later he's now saying it needs to change then it's hard to say that you're the one being difficult.

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