Am I unreasonable not to agree to his new child access rota

Not everyone is poor no. But statistically it’s unlikely for a single parent to afford to live without working unless living off state benefits.
possible but rare

@Cheeseandolivesplease No! He employed over 100 people! Just don’t assume single women don’t have money! Yes I’m married but not everyone is poor.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner The major difference here is you are married I assume and your husband earns enough for you to decide to give up work. Do you help your DH out with the business if he doesn't have a lot of paid help?
But in the case of a single parent things are obviously different.
I do wonder how the OP is managing to afford not to work at all?

@Cheeseandolivesplease Lives with her parents? Has an independent income? DH is happy for this arrangement and pays? Not everyone is the same as you. I gave up my job and childless friends thought I was mad but we decided I couldn’t do the hours I needed to do and DH run a business without a lot of paid help and then no one sees dc.

He's not suggesting 3 weeks without seeing mum. I know it's confusing but he's proposing to be away 3 weeks (so 3 solid weeks with mum) and then have DC 12 nights over the next 3 weeks, on a 4-3-4 pattern. DC will spend no longer than 4 days away from mum. It's the same number of nights he has DC now but with a longer period away.

I agree. It’s far too long for a 2yo to be away from mum when she’s been the primary carer. I think 2 weeks is too long too though, it’s destabilising.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner As you say, if OP can afford it then great. I'd love to know how though as a single mum - she must be very wealthy?
As for many women not wanting to work and would rather stay at home ft - I actually disagree. I never wanted to give up my career, even though "Mr Big Job" ex-husband felt emasculated by it (yuck!) I am so glad I wasn't pressured into doing so.
As for my now husband, he'd love to give up work and be a SAHD given half the chance!

@Cheeseandolivesplease No. Many women don’t want to work and would rather be fill time with dc. I’m pro choice! If Op can afford it, great. Most men don’t look after dc full time. I’ve never met one who gave up a decent job to do this. At best they fit dc in around working and I don’t judge women by what paid work they do. Looking after dc is incredibly important work!

@LemonTT OP doesn't work. I imagine she must be very well off as a single mum to afford not to at all.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner It was you who said women were "forced" to work, but you believe men "want" to work and that "money matters to them."
Can't you see the sexism in your beliefs at all here?
The starting point in UK family courts is actually 50/50 as it assumes both parents should have equal time with their kids and also both work to provide for them.

From a legal perspective, as the existing order sets out, she probably would be expected to accommodate his work pattern as long as it doesn’t impact on her own work commitments and quality time with children.

This doesnt seem in the best interests of the children. Three weeks is a long time not to see him and then not to see their mother, especially a 2 year old. The 11 year old will miss time with friends potentially too. Its very chaotic and centred around his needs, not theirs. I would psuh back fully on all this and suggest weekends when he is available, or something like that more reasonable and understandable for a very young child. If he want to be a more involved parent he may need to reconsider his job and what would actuallty work, like so many mothers do.

@Cheeseandolivesplease From what I understand the courts see dads who want to work and fit dc around work. Thats why the most common child arrangement orders favour the mum. The most usual arrangement is 5 nights to dad and 9 to mum in a 2 week cycle. The main reason for this is the greater earning power of men. If a woman has greater earning power and doing long hours, the arrangement might well be reversed. Who says dad is forced to work? In most cases, men want to work! Money matters to them, but women can work but they really do face doing even more if dad isn’t around. As this case demonstrates.

You cannot force him to take up access or a more equal split especially if he has a job where he is away for 3 weeks. I would look for a fair split with him having kids more in his home time and holidays as long as that works for you too. You can claim cms if you have kids more nights across the year

This. And if he does work on an oil rig for 3 weeks at a time, I don’t know what he’s supposed to do about that, other than quit his job, then neither parent will be working.

Be careful what you wish for OP (although I can’t fathom your posts either).

This does remind me of a thread some time ago, where the exDH was in the army, and short of taking the children on deployment (!) there was no way to parent equally

@millymollymoomoo You've got to be pretty loaded in that case though as a single parent?

It’s fine not to work …… if you’re not renting in the state to pay your way through benefits.

if you are - then you should work . Simple

@MeetMeOnTheCorner OK. Now let's change this... I've changed the mum/dad and men/women only in your response...

I'm highlighting the pure sexist nature of "gender role" here.

Dc might well be more settled with dad and their needs Trump pushing dad into work. Also why should men who work looking after dc (and it’s very valuable work if you had to pay for it!) be pushed around to work for money too? ....
Some people prioritise dc over juggling childcare and look at what’s best for dc above all else... Dad should not be forced to work. What matters is happy and settled dc who are not shunted around unnecessarily. Dc thrive on routine, school friends and parents who make time for them.

I simply do not accept that it is reasonable a parent (let's face it, nearly always the father) is expected to work ft in order to provide financially for his family, whilst the other parent does no paid work whatsoever, arguing that they "can't" work because they have children. Rubbish.

@Cheeseandolivesplease Of course it’s fair! Dc might well be more settled with mum and their needs Trump pushing mum into work. Also why should women who work looking after dc (and it’s very valuable work if you had to pay for it!) be pushed around to work for money too? I didn’t need the money and didn’t work but I did just about everything else. Some people prioritise dc over juggling childcare and look at what’s best for dc above all else. Dc are not a cake to be shared out equally and I certainly wasn’t going to rush around working when dh earned 10 times what I did. The op should not be forced to work. What matters is happy and settled dc who are not shunted around unnecessarily. Dc thrive on routine, school friends and parents who make time for them.

I think it's more nuanced than to say it unfair if dad works and mum doesn't because of the nature of dad's job.
He couldn't actually do 50/50 unless he has the dc for the whole time he is off work. That is probably not ideal for the dc who won't want to go 3 weeks at a time without seeing either mum or dad. It probably wouldn't work for schooling either. So in reality mum has to solo parent for the majority of the time. Which has the knock on effect of putting her at a disadvantage if she also has to work ft, pay for more childcare, manage the logistics. So if mum is to work, she may be limited to pt (which means less money) or dad should contribute 50% of childcare costs and/or change his employment so he can do more actual looking after of the dc.

What wouldn't be fair is for mum to have to organise her whole life around dad's schedule whilst also working ft and picking up dad's share of childcare.

He needs to understand you are co-parents not partners you dont have to work around his schedule and vice versa and mantrumming gets you nowhere a reasonable discussion should

@MeetMeOnTheCorner Absolutely. So the fairest solution here is they both work and have a fairer share of time with their children.
Unfair if dad has to work ft whilst mum doesn't at all, no?

@LemonTT But most people working full time do want to see their dc and that’s why there’s usually some time given to them but not as much as a non working mum.

Working and earning money to provide for your children is a fair share contribution.

@Cheeseandolivesplease Most arrangements for dc are not truly 50:50. Usually mums do the most childcare and do the most nights. Working has to be arranged around this and child care costs fall to them. A highly paid mum will undoubtedly work, others find costs are sky high for childcare, so don’t. With the standard 5/24 days with dad, mum has far more juggling, organisation and running around to do and outsourcing costs! That’s why lots of mums don’t do it if they didn’t have a high paying, flexible, career. Many don’t. It’s wrong to think all dads have flexible working arrangements too!

After crunching numbers, whether he sees children 8 nights out of 28 (current arrangement) or 12 nights out of 42(proposed arrangement), he still only has the children for 28.57% of the time. So, he really isn't getting them for any longer (and still nowhere near 50%). For 50%, he would have to have them for the full duration of his off time - which would be problematic in so many ways for the children.

One question I would like to know the answer to; is the change in on/off weeks - was that initiated by him or his employer? Because if he initiated it, without discussing potential impact on the children (longer gaps between seeing their dad), then he has damaged his own case. If his employer has imposed the change, then it is not his fault.

It would be wise for OP to obtain legal interpretation of the division of holidays, for everyone's sake. There are 13 weeks of school holidays per year in UK, so 91 days in total. All well and good, but if he is working over any of those holiday periods, then what? Does he think he gets time in lieu during term time?