Nesting

Get legal advice! You need to get the divorce underway and agree the split of finances and assets ASAP so you both move on and be housed appropriately for you both to look after your DDs.
If he jointly owns your home, you cannot legally force him to move out unless you have an occupation order. So he would be legally entitled to just move back in if the costs of renting are too high in his view, not your preference, until you have sorted out a clean break. He cannot however force you to leave the home at any point either so you are under no obligation to go along with his nesting suggestion.

He may be being unreasonable in your eyes

but to him he’s lost:

his wife
his children
his home - which his family contributed a lot to

thst might seem black and white when the answer is grey but you should accept emotions running high. Just as you don’t agree with him he doesn’t agree with you. That doesn’t make you right him wrong any more than him right and you wrong. It just means you disagree.

so say no to nesting but you need to come up with a longer term Plan as this current arrangement clearly isn’t working for him ( and ultimately not your children)

I proposed nesting when I split with ex (and was in my 'surely he can be reasonable' phase) - but only because the house was large enough that we could have each had a 'suite' which was ours alone, and certainly not also sharing a flat for the 'off' weeks!

Nesting where you're each sharing the house with the kids, and a flat sounds like an absolute nightmare - you would basically end up cleaning and managing two houses, plus your job, plus I bet still doing the majority of the stuff for the kids, and then fighting over two sets of bills - it just won't work.

This isn't going to work. I can only echo the others - he's not going to suddenly become reasonable, and you will come to regret bending over backwards for him with regards to the mortgage. Honestly, get the divorce moving and go for a clean break - it's sad that he'll lose his deposit, but, it happens. It's not like you made that happen, and you're going to be in the same boat as him regards to housing.

As to 'I wouldn't spend 1/3rd my salary on rent' - I don't think I've ever been able to spend less than 1/3rd my salary on rent! I know there's a 30% rule given as the right ratio (of gross income), so it sounds just about right and normal to me.

With that info I'd say sell and start afresh. Otherwise you are paying 1k extra to 'him' each month.

Sell (or let him have it / take you off the mortgage) and get somewhere to rent. Have you checked to see if you are entitled yo claim anything? Do you get DLA for your daughter?

You keep insisting he can afford a better place.

i would not want to be throwing over 1/3 of my wages at rent. If he never gets chance to save a deposit and buy that’s the rest of his life paying rent, even as a pensioner.

you need to sort finances so he can also afford a mortgage.

Having been through all this and come out the other side (but continuing to have to deal with ex etc) - I think a couple of things are key.

If you're not on the same page - and sounds like you're not - you need to focus on getting into a position where you as a single parent can provide a stable home for the kids. This is in their interests - and yours. It's the core thing.

Then, arranging things in terms of co-parenting and when kids see him is separate to that. If / when it happens it's a bonus; if it happens well, even more so. But you and the kids having your core stable home is the given.

Then you are in control of the things you can be, and you have that safety (as do the children).

I've never met anyone in real life who has succeeded with a nesting arrangement. I think because there are too many misunderstandings / lies / too much lack of shared interests at this stage (e.g. perhaps your priority is stability for you and the kids; his is money). That's why you have to establish things on your own for yourself and the children.

He wants to nest and you don’t. He wants you to stay there until the housing market improves, but you don’t.

You can give him a choice between staying put and no nesting or moving out.

In your position, I would chose to move out. He can live there until he chooses to sell. I’m not sure what country you live in but in the UK, it’ll be a long time before the housing market picks up.

Your oldest is likely to be better off settling into a new home before secondary transfer. Change is likely to be challenging for her and if she gets used to a ‘new normal’ with her Dad, that will all change again.

I’d be willing to do it for a short period of time just for my child’s sake while he finds a rental or if say he needs six months to get a mortgage on a property but anything passed that would be a hard no.

I am in the family home but tbh I don’t want to be. I would be very happy to leave but he can’t afford to stay here
How can you afford it on less income but he can't?

You do seem to make all the shots to suit you.

You ended the relationship.

You decided the family home is YOUR home.

You do not want to move out for 2 days out of four so he can spend time with his daughter in his house.

It all benefits you whilst he gets all the bad deals.

If there is no equity in the home after legal costs then she won’t get anything! Morally she may not want to take a share of the deposit gifted by MIL.

Which country are you in as people seem to think your are in England/Wales despite you stating Euros.

Nesting will absolutely not work because he’s trying to bully and control.

I would tell him that he is welcome to move back into the family home and you will move out and rent with the DC and work towards increasing his time having them.

If you clean break financially now then presumably you will have to share the financial loss on the house and take debt with you?

I suspect regardless of the housing he will never have the DC overnight as it will give you “freedom”.

I think in this case I would get financial advice, do your sums and then walk away from the house. Weak men who twist everything to make you look bad and can’t manage their own affairs, require totally separating from. On occasions, once they realise you are not their nursemaid and manager, they manage to deal with their own affairs. Somehow the thought that you are staying there to ‘help him not lose the deposit money’ is part of the challenge with this dynamic I guess. I think I would work out how I can rip the plaster off and totally separate. The odds are that he wouldn’t properly step up anyway and you would be constantly dealing with the fallout of him leaving his crap - literally or figuratively - all over your nest. And who knows what will happen with the housing market etc - it may not even go back up.

I think you're right that he's trying to bully you.

I would call his bluff and tell him that there is no way that you are nesting so the only way forward is to sell the house, as you no longer want to support his "financial wish" (to get his deposit back).

Have you started the divorce rolling and process for settlement? Do it if you haven’t

@NestingNameChange do it, just move out and stop wasting your life and your money propping him up. He is already being manipulative, that won't get better if you start the nesting.

In that case just tell him no. That if he wants to see the kids he can in his own place and that involves him renting somewhere suitable

He is trying to bully you by threatening to stay in a bedsit and never have the kids. Tell him if won't be happening and if he insists then you will move out of the family home and he will inevitably lose all of his deposit and equity. If I were you I would rather walk away with nothing into a rental than be bullied into continuing to share my space with a man I no longer wanted to be with.

It can work but depends a lot on circumstances and you. My friend stayed with her mum, him with his at first then he stayed with a new partner, eventually her with hers but their dd is severely disabled and house adapted. They get along coparenting grear, just not as partners