Just found evidence

Are you the one putting stupid AI crap on other threads just to wind people up?

Sounds like you’re at it again.

If it’s such an issue for you that the OP’s daughter heard then maybe just leave the thread. You’re not helping.

Thank you. Exactly.

op, how are you doing?

No one is victim blaming but op does bare some responsibility to how she handles this fir her daughter. And her daughter does not and should not be dragged into it

however what’s done is done and op needs to talk to her daughter to reassure her it’s ok and ensure she keeps all talk about their marriage and her dad away from
her child.

Op, you’ll be in shock right now so just take things one step at a time and give yourself a bit of time before you start thinking things through

That’s really not helpful
Victim blaming here has no place in supporting this woman going through a shit time

OP is desperately upset. But now her thread looking for support is being derailed by two posters having a spat. Pack it in.

I disagree. Betrayal is abusive.
I don't think op can be held responsible for her actions in what is very likely to be one of the worst moments of her life.
The response to such a trauma is largely outside of our control. It's not an argument about who did or didn't do the dishes. It's like someone pushing you down the stairs and expecting you not to squeal or bang the walls on the way down.
What will make the difference to her daughter is seeing how she responds now that disclosure is out of rhe way. Watching her strong Mum go through that kind of pain, stand strong for her, and set boundaries that protect them both.

@racineystop being a dick, even if you think it, why verbalise it, how do you think you’re helping.

For heaven's sake.
Nothing like a bit of victim blaming.
I'm sure OP feels bad enough about her DD waking up and hearing the conversation without being lectured about it

Yes absolutely true and there is a tale as old as time when cheaters try to rewrite a script and turn the situation back on the partner they’ve cheated on.

Don't even ask him for the truth. You won't get it. When you're in shock it's normal to be vulnerable to gaslighting.

You've read anniversary for yourself so you know it's been a year at the least.

Don't believe anything he says.

‘Triggered’? Are you some kind of Reform dictionary. You’ll call me a snowflake next

No you give over. You’ve criticised and expected perfection from a woman going through the worst thing in her life, show some empathy towards the OP stop blaming, criticising women for mens behaviour while in the same breath having zero expectations from the husband who has caused this. If you are triggered by showing your lack of empathy for the OP then don’t be such an arse in the future.

Oh give over. I’ve said he’s a cunt.

What’s happened has happened anyway - now op needs to focus on her and her daughter. My point stands. This is a pivotal moment in her young girl’s life.

You’ve added your own context to the context provided by the OP. You don’t know that it wasn’t the person whose shown himself up to be a complete tosser who woke up the daughter with his behaviour. You are finding ways to hold the OP to an incredibly high standard without holding her husband to any.

It comes off as lacking empathy towards women when women do this to other women.

This is not domestic abuse so your point is not valid. Op should have waited till her daughter wasn’t around to show him ‘the evidence’ not woken him up, had a shouting match and thrown him out.

I feel very sorry for the op, I’ve been in a similar shitty situation. But adults will get over stuff like this eventually, children are way more vulnerable. How parents navigate and behaviour during divorce has a huge impact on their future wellbeing.

For me, this is the biggest issue in the op’s post. The husband can fuck off. She needs to look after her and her daughter

Excellent post. The OP needs support here not criticism, blame and judgement. It is her husband who has caused this harm not her.

You may never get the details, because he is already a practised liar. He cheated, looks like he was planning to leave you. There is no coming back from that fact. You need to concentrate on making your situation as best as possible and going back and forth with him on details uses to much energy when you are already depleted.

We can't protect someone from something we have no prior knowledge of though can we?
Do you think it's possible OP's husband caused the overhearing by raising his voice? Do you think he deceived OP because he wanted to protect his daughter?
'Scream quietly or the children might hear'? (There was a book about domestic abuse with a similar title - this is abusive behaviour).
I'd like to believe your heart went out to the teenager and you momentarily forgot the bigger picture.

This is good advice, in my unhappy experience.
I have done better when, after enough evidence to show me I was being deceived/used I made a conscious effort to detach from the urge to confront him or try to get to the bottom of x, y or z.
Once I knew this was someone completely comfortable lying to me about a vast array of things I knew I had to focus as far as I could on making the best life I could for myself and my child. Very different from what I thought it would be.
Unfortunately the first time I was in this situation I didn't handle it well but a long time later with a different deceiver I managed myself better.
Reaching out for help is really important. Samaritans are happy to hear from you at any time, its more than a listening service for the suicidal - 'whatever you're going through' is what they say.
I also found my GP, the Freedom programme and Alanon could help me. They first time I went through this I didn't have Mumsnet. If I had I don't think I'd have made such a mess of things.
Good luck, I wish you strength. Have a hug 🫂

You need to protect your daughter more. How on earth did she ‘overhear’ such a damaging and traumatic conversation? That’s awful

Hang tight to the two things you know. You didn't cause this and he's a liar.
Those are the only two facts you need

If it only lasted a month, and finished a year ago, why has he still got the note in his wallet, and what anniversary occurred in that short time?

Of course, but have you any empathy to add for the OP. She deserves it too. Both the mother and daughter are about to enter a significant period of grief and neither of them are to blame for it.