Just found evidence

my albeit adult dc heard about my husband and other women in arguments which i didn’t realise they had , it happens. but they would have wanted and been told the truth anyway , i know OP dd is only a teenager but they aren’t stupid. Wishing you well OP its tough, but it gets easier bit by bit, im a couple months down the road and doing better, still have bad days but overall recovering.

You are obviously one of those posters who will always find some way to blame and berate the OP rather than the cheating husband/partner, under the guise of 'won't someone think of the children'.

OP has just discovered damning evidence of her husband's infidelity and acted in shock. She didn't set out to upset her daughter.

Also OP you may get more support (albeit quite forceful) if you ask MN to move your thread to relationships rather than the divorce section.

I forgot I have another tip regarding your DD. She will take her lead for coping from you.
I have one friend who was broken by her husband’s infidelity. She said repeatedly and daily for years that he ruined her life. Her now adult children still say the divorce ruined their life.

I said that it wasn’t what I had wanted but that the impact on us would be minimal as he was rarely around anyway. My now adult DC both say the impact was minimal.
Even though it’s tough on you, you can manage the damage. DDs friend sleeping over is a perfect start, showing family life goes on!

Have been in a similar situation to you OP.
Take every day one at a time, extra hugs for your dd and any other kids you may have.
💐 for you.

So sorry OP. Many of us have been through it but you can and will come out the other side. You will have a great relationship with your DD and yes a different family, comprising your chosen friends and relatives.

He has repeatedly shown you who he is, believe him. As you say having your life partner gaslight you is an awful way to live, it makes you feel like you are losing touch with reality, I used to say it was like living on a wobble board where the ground beneath is constantly shifting.

Try to minimise your expectation of answers from him, you won’t get accurate ones.

Please also know that men who behave like this do have something missing in their soul. As someone said on another thread recently the gaslighters and the cheaters are often the cup -half -empty types. I bet your DH behaves like this, as he has some internal discontent eating away at him. All an OW does is provide an opportunity for them to temporarily reinvent themselves. For a while they can pretend to be a better version of themselves.

The family and life that you offered him was good, but he does not deserve or appreciate it. You did all you could.

Focus on yourself and your DD now build happy memories, you can start now. Order some new cushions, and bedding, watch a film with her, get a pet you’ve always wanted. Small things that symbolise better chapters to come.

So sorry to hear it OP - I can only echo others on here. Don’t waste energy on asking ‘why’ - the answer is ‘because he could’. And don’t take it on yourself, you have done nothing wrong - I wish I’d known/understood that when this happened to me years ago. No reason for you to feel humiliated because you have been lied to and cheated.

It’s hard because you don’t stop loving someone overnight, it takes time for your feelings to catch up with the reality of what’s happened. But don’t allow him to minimise it, blame you, or say he’ll change. This has probably been going on for longer than you think.

I hope you are getting family support, your daughter will be fine in the end but she’s going to have her own emotional journey to work through. Just do your best to support her and reassure her that she is loved by both of you.

@Tillow4everyou’re probably right.

it’s very tiresome.

@ImDoingItImDoingDoubleDenimI’ve just done an advanced search as it all feels off. This person only started posting on MN yesterday, and they’ve posted a LOT in that very short space of time. A good chunk of the comments across multiple different threads are clearly on a wind up.

i wouldn’t be surprised if all their posts disappear within the next few days as a previously banned user or something.

It’s pointing out a pattern. You are attempting to derail another thread. I don’t believe it is against the rules for them to mention it, you just can’t make a thread about a thread.

The moment I read your comments I too checked the username and thought the same as the other poster has. It’s clear you aren’t here in good faith. You don’t happen to live under a bridge and need a lot of feeding, do you?

Why are you discussing another thread on here. It’s against the rules and irrelevant?

@cornettotrilogy Some words of advice OP. I was shat on from a great height after 26 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. To say I was shell shocked is the understatement of the century. So firstly, don't believe a single word he says. Not one single word. Secondly, don't get into semantics with him. It's a waste of energy and (see point number 1) he'll only lie. Thirdly, don't start asking him the ins and outs of a ducks arse, such as how often did they have sex, was she better than me etc etc. Because I guarantee you will want to ask those questions, but you will only drive yourself mad for no good reason. He will lie and most of all he doesn't care. Lastly, I am so sorry but you will get through it.

Your weird posts on the thread about the most recognisable person in the world.

Today is a very hard day but it will pass.
I can remember just getting through 5 minutes at a time some days, especially when there had been horrible revelations, infidelity, financial deception, all sorts of lies.
I felt stupid, didn't know what to believe, felt I had based my life on illusions.
Future you will be grateful for every bit of self care and care for your daughter you manage today and in the coming days.
A huge number of people are reading this with nothing but sympathy for you ❤️

I agree with you up to a point and I can see you have empathy and experience of betrayal.

I hope you can accept that abuse of trust, deliberate significant deceit and infidelity are abusive behaviours. Also that the trauma of deceit and break.up of the family as it has been - it seems likely the teenager has been deceived as well - is the relevant trauma not overhearing parents arguing.

Having said that I imagine a lot of people will agree with you, as I do, that the gold standard is to work together as adults to resolve differences and continue to support the children as co-parents. For me this has meant do the best I can to 'keep my side of the street clean' whether the other parent does likewise or not.

Exactly, unless she’s young enough to celebrate a month’s anniversary which doesn’t bear thinking about.

💐 I am sure you know this, but in my experience men will minimise & lie in situations such as this. Denying till they are blue in the face, swearing on everyone’s lives, crocodile tears for months until actual proof can be found. Trust your gut and know your worth. 💐

Sending you a handhold OP 💐 this is the worst day but you will get through it. Don't trust a word he's saying, he has gaslit you and lied to you but from now on you know it's not you, it's him. Gather your real life support and take it one day at a time. One day this will be a distant memory and you will be happy again x

Good for you. Your main message to her needs to be that this doesn’t change the fact that you both love her just as before. And don’t paint him as a bad man to her. Even if he is to you.

Eh? What are you talking about here….

The fact that he's kept the note in his wallet shows that he is emotionally involved. It's clearly been going for some time, he may or may not tell you the truth in due course, but as you can't trust a word he says anyway, you'd be better to focus your energy on practical issues.
Does he use a joint account, do you have access to bank /credit card statements? Those should give an indication of what's been going on. I'd get as much financial info as you can now, if he hasn't already cut off any access you might have. You'll need details of any pension/savings/income.
OP, this a horrible thing to go through, hopefully you've people IRL you can talk to for support. It's very hard trying to keep it together for DD, but in a way, now she knows the worst has happened, the rest is just detail, and you can reassure her that she's safe with you and that you will always prioritise her wellbeing. She'll be worried about moving house, whether she will see her Dad, how she will cope with a very sad Mum. You might not be able to answer the first 2 just yet, but you can demonstrate that you are not going to be a burden and that you will let her know of developments as and when they happen.
Wishing you strength through all this.

Absolutely @cornettotrilogy it is such a shock for you and it is appalling to be treated as you have been treated. I am so sorry for what you are going through, it is so early in the process for you and it is a very overwhelming stage but you will get through this.

I wouldnt flog a dead horse. You know he's a liar and a cheat. Youvwill never get the truth. He will minimise and drip feed you information giving you just enough to placate you. You know you've had suspicions for 2 years. You know the love not said happy anniversary suggesting this is over a year. You know he's go some woman imagining a live with him. While he's married to you. Id start by having a STI test because I dont doubt he's been having sex with her and putting your health at risk. If your in the UK divorce is no fault anyways lroving more than you know is unnecessary. Unless, you want to stay.