Page 3 | Divorce still at decree nisi after years, seeking guidance on pensions

Ifallelsefails · 2026-05-02T21:54:59+00:00

We were married for 13 years when I left. - domestic abuse. 18 years later the divorce is still sat at Nisi, I'm the respondent. Family home sold & profit split 50/50. 1 child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex. He works for prison service - 35 years & counting. I worked from leaving school to 50 but then ill health struck & I'm on benefits. He refused to attend Marriage Guidance Counselling towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce process he refused to attend mediation for finances. He's the sort of husband that likes to be in control of everything, his way. We did Form E's in 2012, solicitors involved on both sides, he wanted us to keep our own pensions but I wanted 30% of his to even things out. Nisi was granted in 2011 but he caused so much grief with contact & let DD down at every opportunity, 4 years in court about it - he just lied the whole time and I only realised the Nisi had been granted in the midst of it all, last year. I've been traumatised by him no end, we'll have been married 30 years this year. He sacked his solicitor when I wouldn't agree to keeping our own pensions and that's where things have sat for 15 years, he's done nothing. We're both early 60s so I want this sorted and done with - it's abuse just doing nothing. Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me any guidance please?

RandomMess · 05/05/2026 08:17

Do you have the funds now to go to court to reach settlement? I hope you do.

You need to find recommendations of a solicitor that good outcomes for someone in your position. Has an abusive narcissistic ex that will use every trick in the book to not make a settlement and end up in court.

How far is he off pension age, was their a mortgaged marital home and did you file a financial interest against that too?

rwalker · 05/05/2026 08:11

NFLsHomeGirl · 05/05/2026 07:09

Pay for a shit hot lawyer. You need to to get the money off the cunt

He'll have a massive pension from a Govt body. Go for it!

Edited

She can only get her hands on the amount relevant to the marriage and bear in mind he’ll be able to claim a stake in her for the same period and add in legal costs it might not be the golden goose you think

NFLsHomeGirl · 05/05/2026 07:09

Pay for a shit hot lawyer. You need to to get the money off the cunt

He'll have a massive pension from a Govt body. Go for it!

millymollymoomoo · 05/05/2026 07:05

Pension splits are common and of course pensions should be included in the pot.

what im saying however Is it’s unlikely you’ll get a 50:50 share if current pot as you separated 18 years ago. Yes you are not divorced but a settlement most likely based on assets accrued during marriage and pot at that time.

of course nothing is set in stone and there is the odd case you’ll find that goes against that but they’re usually outliers.

your ex won’t play nice. He will spend loads fighting it now just as back then so be prepared for that

His behaviour won’t factor into settlement so the fact he’s a narcissist in your view doesn’t matter.

the only advice anyone can give is go and spend money on a decent discussion with a solicitor. Then you’ll have more of an understanding. You can do the divorce part online without his agreement so just start that

Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 02:04

PoppinjayPolly · 04/05/2026 20:45

Why would it be needed to rely on an ex from decades ago to fund you?

Show quote history

It's not decades ago & he's not funding me. You obviously know nothing about a marriage - it's a contract where 2 people promise to be nice to each other til death do us part but the vows don't include abuse in any form - sadly I married one of these:

A misogynist is a person who holds deep-seated hatred, contempt, or prejudice against women or girls. This behavior manifests through sexism, belittling, objectification, or the enforcement of rigid, inferior social roles for women. Misogynistic attitudes can be expressed overtly through abuse or subtly through devaluation.

When a marriage ends divorce usually follows. Everything is split equally and legally during the divorce process, but it costs money - he didn't like the idea of that so he walked away half way through. Pensions are up for negotiation in any divorce, it's called dividing assets, so no he wouldn't be funding me, pension splits are commonplace - don't you know any of this.

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Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 04/05/2026 23:55

AmyFl · 04/05/2026 22:31

The thing is though if you had have received a share of his pension years ago, it would have been growing in your name. So I think it is fair if you get a share of the pension's current value because that represents the growth that would have been in your name anyway.

I don't know exactly how it works and nor do most others on the thread, in my eyes there's always room to learn and that was the intention when I posted - hoping to find others who have been in the same or similar situation.

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AmyFl · 04/05/2026 22:31

The thing is though if you had have received a share of his pension years ago, it would have been growing in your name. So I think it is fair if you get a share of the pension's current value because that represents the growth that would have been in your name anyway.

PoppinjayPolly · 04/05/2026 20:45

MrChesterDrawers · 04/05/2026 20:18

Sounds like he's worked for 31 years, and you were married for 13 years. This would have seen see you entitled to 6.5/18th's of his pension as a starting point. In short, half of the period earned ~ so a ratio of 0.361%. His pension pot would have grown, so some maths will be needed to calculate the amount at the time, and the percentage into a value now. He can get a valuation, then see if it's worth trading that pension for cash lump sum. Expect it to be not that much due to early access and tax free etc. On the flip side, he can ask to share anything you earned.

There is the added bonus here that you'll be in line for any death in service benefits, as still being his spouse etc.

Ignore the haters, a share of the pension (assumed defined benefit) will be needed at state pension age, when you're just getting £12000 to live on.

Edited

Why would it be needed to rely on an ex from decades ago to fund you?

MrChesterDrawers · 04/05/2026 20:18

Sounds like he's worked for 31 years, and you were married for 13 years. This would have seen see you entitled to 6.5/18th's of his pension as a starting point. In short, half of the period earned ~ so a ratio of 0.361%. His pension pot would have grown, so some maths will be needed to calculate the amount at the time, and the percentage into a value now. He can get a valuation, then see if it's worth trading that pension for cash lump sum. Expect it to be not that much due to early access and tax free etc. On the flip side, he can ask to share anything you earned.

There is the added bonus here that you'll be in line for any death in service benefits, as still being his spouse etc.

Ignore the haters, a share of the pension (assumed defined benefit) will be needed at state pension age, when you're just getting £12000 to live on.

rwalker · 04/05/2026 20:02

I think it’s the old story if it cost £10 to save £5 don’t bother

finalise your divorce regardless solicitors are notorious for generating work that you have to pay for not sure how realistic 30% was in the first place considering you had a pension as well

PoppinjayPolly · 04/05/2026 19:55

But as pp are saying to still be at this point 18 years on, you are complicit in the circus, and it must be about money to drag on so long…

Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 04/05/2026 17:09

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2026 08:35

It sounds like the solicitor you had was a waste of time and gave you very poor advice. As you were receiving legal aid, surely it wasn’t costing you anything? As others have said, the fact that you’re still not divorced after 18 years is down to both parties. He cannot prevent the divorce happening - the law is very clear on that point.
If you left the marital home and he was abusive, why did you only move 2 streets away?

Looking back, my solicitor was absolutely right about my ex & the divorce, ex didn't co-operate at all, he even went against his own solicitor's advice, he was the petitioner - he wasn't out to negotiate he just thought what he wanted was how it was going to be. Child contact is invariably simple but he wanted that on his terms too so that ended up in court.

Yes, divorce is simple on paper but when you get a clown as a petitioner it's like a circus. I saw who I'd really married and it was embarrassing. I thought leaving him would stop all the drama but it didn't it just intensified.

Where we live is circumstantial, our paths never cross thankfully.

Legal aid probably works for most cases & the job gets done but ex just complicated everything & wasted mine, I ended up paying more and got hardly anywhere. Maybe that was his plan, he had fellow officers at work in similar situations & I think they treat it as a joke.

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DuskOPorter · 04/05/2026 08:54

I’m not disputing he is a narcissist, he sounds vile but at some point in 20 odd years would you not have drawn a line under this situation.

You definitely need to push it now. Get a barrister or represent yourself and see what the outcome is.

I’d be very surprised if a judge had much patience for either of you not completing a divorce by this stage. You have a very set outcome that might not go down well after all of these years, being more flexible about the outcome might give you better leverage.

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2026 08:35

It sounds like the solicitor you had was a waste of time and gave you very poor advice. As you were receiving legal aid, surely it wasn’t costing you anything? As others have said, the fact that you’re still not divorced after 18 years is down to both parties. He cannot prevent the divorce happening - the law is very clear on that point.
If you left the marital home and he was abusive, why did you only move 2 streets away?

Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 04/05/2026 00:11

Namechangee11 · 03/05/2026 23:55

Personally, get the absolute and forget the money and then it is done... And if you want to take this back to court, you're going to need a lawyer and you're going to have to weigh up how much time and money and stress that takes... I wouldn't bother and I say this as someone who waited 20 years for him to decide he wanted a divorce and I took nothing, nothing at all... I have my two Dds, so as far as I am concerned I won. Also a DV situation which was all those years ago why I left it... And waited until he he wanted it. Walk away, just forget it.

I suppose that's why I didn't follow it up, I prioritised DD and supported her through the damage he caused her - plus the money I had wasn't for throwing down the drain on solicitors & court cases giving him the attention he craved, only to rub my nose in it.

Something came up this week that made me revisit the situation, normally it stays in a dusty box but it's good to get other views x

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Namechangee11 · 03/05/2026 23:55

Personally, get the absolute and forget the money and then it is done... And if you want to take this back to court, you're going to need a lawyer and you're going to have to weigh up how much time and money and stress that takes... I wouldn't bother and I say this as someone who waited 20 years for him to decide he wanted a divorce and I took nothing, nothing at all... I have my two Dds, so as far as I am concerned I won. Also a DV situation which was all those years ago why I left it... And waited until he he wanted it. Walk away, just forget it.

Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 23:46

PoppinjayPolly · 03/05/2026 23:13

So you’re actually wanting a claim on his pension two decades after you split?
he’s also still paying cms for an adult? child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex

We're still legally married, Nisi is 18 years old, he's still working the same job - I've been bringing our child up while he's been emotionally abusing us both at every opportunity despite many interventions. Yes he paid CMS upto DD being 18 years old.

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PoppinjayPolly · 03/05/2026 23:13

So you’re actually wanting a claim on his pension two decades after you split?
he’s also still paying cms for an adult? child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex

Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 23:08

millymollymoomoo · 03/05/2026 18:30

No. Im saying it’s fair and reasonable you get a fair share of the pension pot at point of separation. Not of the pot built up in the last two decades.
go get legal
advice and get the ball rolling once and for all

Yes it would have been fair at the time to split the pension pot, 13 years was the ending point of the marriage, & all I wanted was what was fair but he threw his dummy out of the pram because that's exactly who he is. The fact that we're 18 years further down the line and he's made 18 years more pension contributions is down to him and only him.

I think he was hoping I'd apply for the Absolute without a settlement - it's a bit like saying 'if you want to remarry you'll have to forefeit the pension first' - but I've only just worked that out. Everything on his terms, a wife needs her husband's permission and lives by his terms or else. That's about right for him.

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LemonTT · 03/05/2026 23:05

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 16:32

There was a 30% disparity in pensions at the time, it wasn't just a number I chose. My solicitor & a pension expert did the sums, I didn't understand any of it, I just paid the bill. The fact that we're now 18 years further down the line is down to him - no discussion, no contact, nothing. He only lives 2 streets away, he's a narcissist.

Show quote history

It’s down to you as well. He can stall the process and he can be uncooperative but that would not have prevented you for eventually getting things settled.

Do you want to resolve the situation now?

millymollymoomoo · 03/05/2026 18:30

No. Im saying it’s fair and reasonable you get a fair share of the pension pot at point of separation. Not of the pot built up in the last two decades.
go get legal
advice and get the ball rolling once and for all

Gonk123 · 03/05/2026 17:59

Just go to court without a barrister or solicitor…act in person.

Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 17:42

millymollymoomoo · 03/05/2026 07:46

It’s not set in stone that is correct.

However, it’s also highly likely op would be entitled to the portion accrued during marriage.
and it’s still really really grabby to expect a share of something you’ve contributed nothing to and not worked for two decades later

this thread highlights the importance of getting the consent order to stop people doing exactly this

You mean I'm a lazy arsed gold digger by the sound of it. Have you ever experienced domestic abuse to yourself and your child, emotional abuse towards mother & child for the past 20 years even after fleeing the marital home, because the mysogenist pig has no sense of decency, respect or empathy? Until you've walked in my shoes, think again.

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Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 16:45

I'd never describe myself as grabby, I've always been a fair's fair person, thousands of people get divorced every year and they don't have this palava.

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Original poster

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 16:32

usererror99 · 03/05/2026 06:36

TBH I’d question why you wanted such a large chunk of his pension and who advised you to go for that when you only have one child and you were married barely more than a decade. You’ve been separated longer than you were married and it’s going to be incredibly difficult to value his pension as it was nearly 20 years ago! You aren’t entitled to 30% of what it is how he has another 2 decades of contributions into it.
just get the divorce finalised

There was a 30% disparity in pensions at the time, it wasn't just a number I chose. My solicitor & a pension expert did the sums, I didn't understand any of it, I just paid the bill. The fact that we're now 18 years further down the line is down to him - no discussion, no contact, nothing. He only lives 2 streets away, he's a narcissist.

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