Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce still at decree nisi after years, seeking guidance on pensions

83 replies

Ifallelsefails · 02/05/2026 22:54

We were married for 13 years when I left. - domestic abuse. 18 years later the divorce is still sat at Nisi, I'm the respondent. Family home sold & profit split 50/50. 1 child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex. He works for prison service - 35 years & counting. I worked from leaving school to 50 but then ill health struck & I'm on benefits.

He refused to attend Marriage Guidance Counselling towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce process he refused to attend mediation for finances. He's the sort of husband that likes to be in control of everything, his way. We did Form E's in 2012, solicitors involved on both sides, he wanted us to keep our own pensions but I wanted 30% of his to even things out. Nisi was granted in 2011 but he caused so much grief with contact & let DD down at every opportunity, 4 years in court about it - he just lied the whole time and I only realised the Nisi had been granted in the midst of it all, last year. I've been traumatised by him no end, we'll have been married 30 years this year.

He sacked his solicitor when I wouldn't agree to keeping our own pensions and that's where things have sat for 15 years, he's done nothing. We're both early 60s so I want this sorted and done with - it's abuse just doing nothing.

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me any guidance please?

OP posts:
Watcher2026 · 07/05/2026 05:32

Actually not everything is split equally some of us decide to leave with kids from situations and get a quick divorce in 6months to totally separate ourselves and not be bothered by money and thank goodness I did as I've been married to the most wonderful man since for 16 years since who did know how to treat women and children rightly.

Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 07/05/2026 04:39

OneOfEachPlease · 06/05/2026 19:06

There are several things here.

On the divorce you can just apply for the decree absolute now. You don’t need his permission. You can just do that.

Once you are divorced that formally ends the period for which you could claim but since you’ve been separated so long that might be capped anyway. So I wouldn’t let this stop you divorcing him.

You could self represent in court. You could set out what you want and why. If he refuses to attend the court can still make a decision.

You might want to consider if you still want to be linked to this man. If you can afford your life and retirement then dropping the pension claim would severe all remaining links. I know money is importany! But the option to be rid of him is also worth something.

If you got the pension percentage agreed it’s still a ongoing process with significant costs to get it arranged. So make sure you can afford the admin fee and that what you’d get is worth it. You might be better off asking for cash and investing it. Clean break and ready money.

Edited

Thanks for this it's really helpful 👍

Can he not just divorce me (Absolute) by the same token or are the rules different for petitioner & respondent?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 06/05/2026 21:03

I don’t think people are saying op is wrong to want to settle. Rather whether it should be based on date of separation or now.

but that will be for op solicitor or a judge to decide should it that far. But there’s a good chance it would be disregarded but there is wide ability for judge discretion

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 06/05/2026 20:00

If there’s a lottery win and it’s not been a clean break divorce, there might be some winnings awarded to the non winning ex. In the uk this has been .£2m out of £56m winnings. There has been a well publicised case where an ex wife went to court to get money from her ex as there was no financial settlement and he was now rich and she, and dc, were on benefits. She was awarded 50% of the marital assets around 20 years after the divorce and he was, quite frankly, awful. So there are very special circumstance s regarding returning for money. In this case, see a better solicitor and go to court.

RandomMess · 06/05/2026 19:42

Honestly some people are so vicious. She tried to divorce with a fair financial settlement do a clean break many years ago. He deliberately delayed and obstructed it. The op suffered financial hardship and by default her DC because of his actions.

The OP now wants to finalise it with a fair financial settlement and somehow she’s in the wrong???

Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 06/05/2026 19:38

ItsSunnyTodayAgain · 06/05/2026 19:11

when a judge decides how to split
your assets it will be based on a balance of need and fairness. It is not about compensating a wronged partner, and the split isn’t decided in order to punish the other one.

Show quote history

I've never said I was wronged, domestic abuse is a choice and he chose it - is that right or wrong? Can I be compensated for it - no - instead I chose to save my life and get out.

A pension share is a factor in divorce, it involves money yes but it's not compensation. I have no fear of judges, I have nothing to hide and I've sat in court many times.

Fancy petitioning your wife for divorce then running away when the shit's about to hit your purse, the one you constantly emptied into the pub till until you were shitfaced in front of your young child.

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 06/05/2026 19:16

The interesting case was a man who won a lottery jackpot. he wasnt divorced after many years apart & his wife then waltzed in, Divorced him & took a sizeable chunk of the winnings.

Until you are divorced & the financials are settled everything is up for grabs which can be a very very bad move.

What I would like to see is some sort of a timetable that parties would be expected to follow in a divorce whether they like it or not.

ItsSunnyTodayAgain · 06/05/2026 19:11

Ifallelsefails · 03/05/2026 17:42

You mean I'm a lazy arsed gold digger by the sound of it. Have you ever experienced domestic abuse to yourself and your child, emotional abuse towards mother & child for the past 20 years even after fleeing the marital home, because the mysogenist pig has no sense of decency, respect or empathy? Until you've walked in my shoes, think again.

Show quote history

when a judge decides how to split
your assets it will be based on a balance of need and fairness. It is not about compensating a wronged partner, and the split isn’t decided in order to punish the other one.

OneOfEachPlease · 06/05/2026 19:06

There are several things here.

On the divorce you can just apply for the decree absolute now. You don’t need his permission. You can just do that.

Once you are divorced that formally ends the period for which you could claim but since you’ve been separated so long that might be capped anyway. So I wouldn’t let this stop you divorcing him.

You could self represent in court. You could set out what you want and why. If he refuses to attend the court can still make a decision.

You might want to consider if you still want to be linked to this man. If you can afford your life and retirement then dropping the pension claim would severe all remaining links. I know money is importany! But the option to be rid of him is also worth something.

If you got the pension percentage agreed it’s still a ongoing process with significant costs to get it arranged. So make sure you can afford the admin fee and that what you’d get is worth it. You might be better off asking for cash and investing it. Clean break and ready money.

MaybeIamJustABitch · 06/05/2026 18:57

Sorry, what I meant was is that nothing was declared and the ‘settlement’ was marked as ‘0’.

millymollymoomoo · 05/05/2026 22:48

Yes potentially @MaybeIamJustABitch ex can claim on her assets and pension now. And on the other hand cannot due to remarriage ( assuming ex is not also remarried)

DurinsBane · 05/05/2026 22:32

MaybeIamJustABitch · 05/05/2026 20:14

I say go for it @Ifallelsefails !

I did a DIY divorce which I paid for. Mine was to just get it done and be rid of the bastard (who sounds just like your ex!)

I didn’t go down the finance settlement route as he’d only started a pension when his employer had to make it a standard deductible, and it would have been an absolute pittance.

Luckily for me he wasn’t clued up enough to understand that he could have made a claim on my pension (I earned more and employer (at the time) contributions were pretty generous. ;)

I’ve since re-married and should be able to retire by the time I’m 61 (when mortgage ends). He on the other hand will need to work until he drops dead!!! 😀

If you never did a financial settlement, and he then has then realised he could get half your pension, can’t he go for one now? Even though it is years later?

MaybeIamJustABitch · 05/05/2026 20:14

I say go for it @Ifallelsefails !

I did a DIY divorce which I paid for. Mine was to just get it done and be rid of the bastard (who sounds just like your ex!)

I didn’t go down the finance settlement route as he’d only started a pension when his employer had to make it a standard deductible, and it would have been an absolute pittance.

Luckily for me he wasn’t clued up enough to understand that he could have made a claim on my pension (I earned more and employer (at the time) contributions were pretty generous. ;)

I’ve since re-married and should be able to retire by the time I’m 61 (when mortgage ends). He on the other hand will need to work until he drops dead!!! 😀

MrChesterDrawers · 05/05/2026 20:14

Don't feed the trolls. Seek some advice elsewhere on the way forward with this.

Obviously, I'm a guy. I act as mum and dad. I have a government pension, it's a final salary defined benefit item. During the divorce, I swapped my it for some cash. The ex wife was entitled to around £60k (Cash Equivalent) of pension, but payable to her in 2065. I swapped it for £28k cash. She kept the family home, it's mortgage, the cash etc.

I walked with the full pension, a rental property (ex council house) which she hated. Currently mid-forties, working on a third pension through a SIPP; mortgage free, in a new relationship etc. When I'm aged 65, I'll have a defined pension worth £38,000.

So what? You've gotta do a deal what is good to you. You've earned half his pension for the period you were together. Equally, he's earned whatever you have during that period. Once you move on, once you hit retirement, you'll gonna need everything you can, because things only get more expensive and the pension won't increase.

Get some sounds advice, work out what you want, cash now, or pension at retirement..

Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 19:50

PoppinjayPolly · 05/05/2026 19:35

So have you sorted your pension and given him half?

Show quote history

It doesn't work like that.

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 05/05/2026 19:35

Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 19:26

Where did I say I wanted a share of a 30 year marriage/pension pot rather than 13 years - I didn't.

If I'd said we'll wait til child is 20 then get divorced but the pension clock will be ticking in the meantime - would that have been OK - I doubt it. He was in the right place to stop the clock ticking in 2012 but he didn't, sort the pension, clean break divorce - job done. His choice.

Show quote history

So have you sorted your pension and given him half?

Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 19:26

usererror99 · 05/05/2026 13:09

It is grabby to want 30% of a pot of money at 2026 total than 30% of a pot from 2006.
it’s irrelevant he’s an arsehole

Where did I say I wanted a share of a 30 year marriage/pension pot rather than 13 years - I didn't.

If I'd said we'll wait til child is 20 then get divorced but the pension clock will be ticking in the meantime - would that have been OK - I doubt it. He was in the right place to stop the clock ticking in 2012 but he didn't, sort the pension, clean break divorce - job done. His choice.

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 05/05/2026 17:53

Omg move on let this one go you are giving him so much head space

Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 17:33

PoppinjayPolly · 05/05/2026 16:39

So your solicitor can stop him getting his own pension, despite being split for 18 year until he gives you money?!
have you given half of your worldly goods then?

I suppose if you piss about wasting everyone's time and money (including my Legal Aid) when petitioning for divorce then walking when you don't like the outcome, refusing to attend mediation for finances when you're the petitioner, it's a bit of a mockery of the whole system.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 16:52

PoppinjayPolly · 05/05/2026 16:39

So your solicitor can stop him getting his own pension, despite being split for 18 year until he gives you money?!
have you given half of your worldly goods then?

If you read the thread instead of trying to be smart you might be able to answer those questions. If all you're here for is a wind up crack on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 16:45

rwalker · 05/05/2026 08:11

She can only get her hands on the amount relevant to the marriage and bear in mind he’ll be able to claim a stake in her for the same period and add in legal costs it might not be the golden goose you think

Show quote history

Getting my hands on anything says more about you than me, as does being grabby.

You should spend time educating yourself about marriage & divorce then you might be more able to understand.

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 05/05/2026 16:39

So your solicitor can stop him getting his own pension, despite being split for 18 year until he gives you money?!
have you given half of your worldly goods then?

Original poster
Ifallelsefails · 05/05/2026 16:08

According to him a couple of years ago when visiting his newborn grandchild in hospital, he spent 45 minutes whinging about how he's got to give me half his pension when he retires & 15 minutes on pleasantries re the baby. The 'half' is an exaggeration obviously. He's got 4 years to retirement - this would resonate with what my solicitor said at the time about putting a stop on his pension until he sorts it out but I don't have a clue if this is doable.

OP posts:
usererror99 · 05/05/2026 13:09

It is grabby to want 30% of a pot of money at 2026 total than 30% of a pot from 2006.
it’s irrelevant he’s an arsehole

millymollymoomoo · 05/05/2026 08:29

There’s no ‘automatic’ when it comes to settlement

the courts have wide discretion and while technically still married and therefore anything owned by each party is up for grabs in a settlement the courts are likely to disregard anything since separation especially as this was a very long time ago,

that is not automatic though and they will look at the position of each party during the marriage as well. After such a long separation it’s perfectly likely pension post separation will be disregarded. Or op could get much lower % of overall pot.

its rignt there is a settlement . But it might not yield as much as people think. But the only way to know is start the ball rolling. Then weigh up costs of a long drawn out fight

Swipe left for the next trending thread