30s TTC Inc: Rolling out BESH practice across our flagship monthly diffment projects - Blue Sky thinking for a paradigm shift vis-a-vis droids and wooden spoons.

Tuesday is a Big Day - Gin's scan (most important of course), Med's ovary scan (blimey that was quick), and my Hycosy (think it might hurt and am bit worried about going alone - am stupid but don't have anyone nearby who could come with).

Drom, you are right of course - I am usually A)B)C) about everything - e.g. everyone at work knows the score with my dad. This is the exception. I think it's primarily because my turnaround from NEVER wanting children, to TTC, to struggling, has been not much more than a year . I'm still at the stage of having the "I think I might have changed my mind" conversation with close friends. Hardly anyone knows we're actually SWI, no-one knows we're heading for IVF. I'm such a twat.

I told almost everybody about the IVF. A) Because I'm revoltingly indiscreet B) Because I feel very safe at work, possibly foolishly so, and therefore believe that they won't be mean to me (borne out by my MD offering me as much time out as I needed to do the IVF, given that I can work from anywhere) and C) Because I would have gone nuts without support.

Obviously I am ridiculously chatty about my personal business, and I can understand that others aren't, but if you do feel you can share it, it does make inadvertent tactlessness much less likely.

Muse You bugger, now I am singing Grease in my head.

Medee Brilliant! I am glad you ovulated, and hope scan is hopeful making.

drom yes, I appear to be ovulating normally, hurrah! And ovary scan is booked for Tuesday.

Oh Lyra - I guess the silver lining is that you might not have told her directly to STFU, so this way you get that, along with a little bit of embarrassment - we all do stupid things, and social events with work are a nightmare for that.

I don't know why I tell you these things when you all being nice to me makes me cry even more!

Laurie love, we're going to have to find a better way to deal with this shit, as current MO doesn't seem to be working for either of us. We need another Plan With Capital Letters. The Let It Out (But Not At Work) Initiative?

Oh lyra. Unless she is the worst person in the history of the world then she will accept your explanation, mumble an apology for being moany & never mention it again. You handled it well. I'm just so sorry that you're going through it.

Hopefully as a slightly amusing side there is another fred here about texting gone bad. Someone sent a downright flithy text.....to her dad. Find the fred, read it - it managed to raise a smile on my miserable mush!

Thank you everyone for your sympathy to me too, has made me teary & as I said I don't normally let go .

cass you win the prize for the best idea of the day. No-body puts Baby in a corner.

Oh Lyra, what a nightmare. But like others have said it sounds like you dealt with it very well, and hopefully her knowing now will mean she's more careful about what she says round you from now on which might make it a bit less hard for you.

So sorry about droid Lorry. Definitely sounds like you should harass the FC - you've done the model patient bit, now for being the demanding politely until you get answers patient.

Sounds like it was a good night Headcase, are there videos on youtube?!

Oh Lyra darling, you poor poor thing. But Camel is, as always, quite right: everyone fucks up all the time (my new tattoo by the way). You were remarkably cool-headed to have dealt with it like that - and to be honest, I imagine that unless she is a prize bitch of the first degree, she will feel as much compassion and empathy as irritation. It's not as if you sent a message just generally slagging her off: it came within the context of a painful issue in your personal life. She would need to be genuinely monstrous not to think, alongside the inevitable "ooo the COW!", "oh, poor love, and I never knew, God I must have sounded like a callous moaning bint..."

Lyra. Sweetie. You have all my sympathy.

It sounds like you handled it well, though. Everyone fucks up all the time. Which doesn't make it less embarrassing or painful when you're the one who does it, but at least you dealt as gracefully and immediately as possible with the situation.

Oh Lyra. Oh my goodness . Not much to say really is there? You poor poor thing.

Morning. UnBESHly cuddles and hair strokes to my lovely girls, especially Gin, Lolly, Cass. Oh go on, and you Scorpy.

I'm in a state. I've done something terrible.

Just got train to That London with my team, including the one who told me via email yesterday that she is preg.

It turns out she is 18 weeks. Almost unbelievable that I wouldn?t notice when I am obsessed with all things pregnancy related, and she sits directly opposite me. But she has no bump, and admits she has had no symptoms, and generally looks amazing.

She was moaning ? as people do, entirely within reason ? about whether they should move house, how various family members are poking their noses in, etc, etc. She even made a comment about how it?s a complete myth that women in their 30s find it difficult to get pregnant, as she managed it at the first attempt (she is 6 weeks younger than me).

I was finding it really difficult to listen to, wishing she would just think about how lucky she is, and texted as much to HO, including the bit about her moaning.

Except I sent it to her instead.

You wouldn?t think it possible, but I was getting so upset, and they are next to each other in my phone book.

I went hot and cold and texted again immediately to explain. It was quite surreal, sitting there texting each other with the rest of the team around us. She seemed to take it pretty well, considering what an awful thing it was to do ? but she is one of those people who is happy to make sweeping generalisations about others, but v.v.sensitive to any criticism at all, so from a professional perspective I?ve messed that one up royally.

From a personal perspective, she knows that I?m a bitch. And she now knows where I?m up to with TTC and AC, which is something I?ve tried really hard to keep away from people at work. Well, from people in general ? my family and the vast majority of my friends don?t know. I think that's going to have to change as, like Laurie, I'm finding it too much to keep inside and it's leaking out.

I was nearly in tears on the train. Am again now at my desk (there?s a lot of it about today). I wish so much that I could just huddle in the Pit all day, with my lovely Gin and Lolly, but I've got a massive committee meeting to run this afternoon and have to prepare for that now.

I think I might actually die Pols, so it won't matter

I have a dim recollection of sitting on the steps of a fantastically posh block of flats in the City roaring Welsh hymns in three part harmony. And it appears at some stage during the night I was not wholly in command of my bladder

6am HB?!! Well done my luvver, can't remember the last time I did that! I hope you've got lots of mouthwash to hide smell of alcohol from Pops?

Sorry x-post Cass. Not sure about your mum - do you generally have quite an open relationship? Would she be a nightmare if she knew you were trying?

I got in at 6am and now have half an hour to sober up before my teetotaller preacher father arrives, so in haste:

Loz, your post made me teary. I'm so sorry. And there's not much more I can say than that. But I do think you're very wise and perceptive to give yourself a month off. I don't think any of us could continue TTC at precisely the same pitch of organisation/timing etc. etc. month after month without suffering such anxiety it would prolly damage the whole biz anyway. And yes: I think you should march into the FC and say, "Right, I've been A Good Girl, and now pliz to listen up: I Wish For Firm Fax".

Love Karate chops to all

Hmmm...tricky one Cass. Maybe you could just ask your mum and forbid her to mentioned it again? That's what I've done, though probably shouldn't.

I'm been up most of night, gusset-rummaging and chewing fingernails with anxiety about MrA (though obviously washed hands in between). Though I know he was ok at 5.05 which he thought was an appropriate hour to text.

My poor BESHes. Lorry, I really feel for you. DO what Scorps said, go and be firm and polite at the clinic and say you think the time has come to try something else. It's horrid for you to be in this state and if you can't face the party tomorrow, don't go. Say you've got a migraine, or an upset tummy, or something. Spend the day in the Pit with Cass's videos - I would join you there but I have SO MUCH TO DO (after a ridiculously idle and self indulgent day yesterday).

As for you other menkulists, chins up, stiff upper lips all round, what what. Good luck with your scan Ginny. I'm sure it'll be fine, but that's no comfort to you. Anyway.

Am I in time for dirty dancing and twirls? Plz can I join?

Oh, forgot:

Realised the other day that I am the 4th generation of only children (my siblings are step ones). Could there be some sort of hereditary secondary infertility?? My Mum didn't try again after me because my father fecked orf, but my Nan only had one, as did her Mum. And surely in those days that's unusual, right? Nan had Mum (just) post-war at the age of 24 so she could have gone on to have more...

Don't know how to ask my Mum about it without flagging up to her that we're (a) trying and (b) struggling.....

In my head it's double hard bastids, but I have no idea if that's right!

Well, finally rang GP and my day 3 and 21 bloods were all normal. So I'm ovulating, FSH levels normal, not anaemic or diabetic, my thyroid's not up t'spout.... so where's my baybee then, eh? Mr Stew's gizz results should be in early next week so we'll see.

Right ladies. It's day 27 today, which would make droid due Sun/Mon. I'm about 12DPO. It's my sis's wedding tomorrow. Do I POAS tomorrow morning, just in the faint hope of a +ve, or do I not, because it'll likely be negative that early and just spoil my weekend and also my drinking abilities?

The decision, as someone off the telly in the 90s used to say, is yours.

Medee I'd join you but all my white knickers have gone a manky grey colour....

Aries how are you today m'luvver?

DHB=Double Hard Bastard

Did you get your blood test results back, Meds?

can someone remind me what DHBs is, pliz?

I am wearing my most pristine white knicks, in order to do gusset watch.

Temp is stable at the elevated value of 36.8. Today is day 36/38, when spotting traditionally starts (usu in evening). Slightly dreading the arrival of the droid, but am supressing it, as it is a lovely day and I am going away overnight on Saturday.

Occie - if you were symptom free, and just not conceiving, your GP might legitimately send you away for another 6 months, but with your cycle, I think you should get seeing them asap.

gin my lovely, menkul away, that's what we are here for.

Lozza You poor, poor love. It's just so shit. Have this giant vat of gin and this hanky. Would you like a semi-naked man to comfort you? Cho's advice, I suspect, is very good. She is a Wise Woman.

Gin & Muse menkul away, my cherubs. Or not, as you choose. It's all good. I know that nothing will help the anxiety, but if you'd like to join me in sitting cross-legged and saying om...? No? No dodgy hippiedom for you DHBs? Ok, fine.

Pliz may I come and sit in the Pit, too? Even though I'm not despairing, the comfort food and videos sound lovely. Well done, Cass.

Gin, we are all here for you, sending you love, de-menkulling reassurance and wishing we could do anything to take the worry away. And the same goes for other new-diff-menkullers out there (you know who you are, gals xx). If you need to come on here every 5 mins and have a waaaaaah about it all, then do that. It's not boring, self-indulgent or any of the things you might worry it is. I feel like wrapping you up in a blanket and carrying you round on my back like a papoose all day, but it might be difficult at work

And Lozza, hugest loves and reassurances to you too. I feel v and v or you. It does sound like you've been pretty much fobbed off. Your age and length of TTC should have them running around doing every test and offering every service under the sun, not slinging you a few packs of Clomid and shooing you out (Am sure it wasn't that casual, but they're clearly not doing enough).

You say you don't like to give in to Teh Sad, but that's not good for you in the long-run. A right good wallow and weep could make you feel a lot better. I feel a lot better for having a big cry and cuddle with TYF last night (NB please cry and cuddle with your mister, not TYF ). There's no shame in crying and being vulnerable. Christ's sake, this TTC is a soul-crushing game. So give yourself a break! Again, just wish there was something we could do to make it all groovy.

And Occie, you don't need to lie or come up with lots of reasons for your Docs. Just be firm and insistent. You are a woman of a certain age who's been TTC for quite a while with no luck, which is enough to require testing. If one Doc fobs you off, like the first Doc I saw did, go to another one. They won't be offended or hurt; they're professionals. If you've been trying for over 6 months, then they can't really say no to testing and you have, so don't worry. And they won't tell you doom and gloom stuff when you go to see them, so don't worry again. Just be assertive and go for it

Lots of lowness at the mo. Stewpot's idea of a duvet day with treats and old girly films sounds just the ticket!

Love you all xxxx (I think it's needed today)