30s TTC Inc: Rolling out BESH practice across our flagship monthly diffment projects - Blue Sky thinking for a paradigm shift vis-a-vis droids and wooden spoons.

It was actually rather heartwarming in its way. The East End being a very community-minded sort of place, the chap was lucky to get away without being pinned to the ground by an infuriated crowd. Local stall-holders kept dashing up to give me scraps of paper with the miscreant's car registration inscribed in felt-tip pen, the landlady of the pub came out to offer tea, and the local drunk gathered a small crowd about him as he roared "Poor bastard! Huge bloke just farkin went at him!" over and over again. As I have often been moved to remark, London is actually a far kinder place than many would have you believe - poor chap would have been far worse off if he'd been beaten up in a field somewhere. The country just Isn't Safe in my view .

Bloody hell, it sounds like Eastenders. I'm still in awe of your 6am drinking marathon. You're well cool you are.

Won't ask you where exactly you're going Headcase. But I demand to know all the same. Are you going there instead of Cornwall?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How will I cope without my Bangers?

Or should that be: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How will I cope without my Bangers?

Whilst I will be a tear-stained, jibbering wreck without your presence, I hope you have a lovely (sexy) time, you thoughtless, uncaring heartbreaker. And may you too be part of our miracle uni-diff

Are you off now or tomorrow? Have a wunnerful time, my love - and don't forget your straw hat!

PS Am about to put my titfer pic up on FB for ya any min now!

Actually Scorps, you haz been told my company so actually could find my house!

How? How? How can you embolden whole sentences? How Headcase. And I don't know when he's back

My other snivelling-cause is that I have been spotting and cramping for 48 hours, but still am only on day 26. How shit. Thanks for the jokes though - the croaka cola was particularly good

Too many stage directions there - soz.

PS:

Q What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

A Bob.

Tasteless? Yes. Do I care? Nope. Some of my best friends are called Bob

I mean the town, not your actual house

Aries dear you are not a weakling. I would be beside myself. I am impressed that you are managing to type coherent sentences. Hang in there sausage - how long till he returns?

Am going away for a week with no internets . I hope when I return the entire thread will be one giant diff and fuck the cycles of the human body

In other news, did you know you can now embolden entire phrases?

How cool is that?!

What's a frog's favourite drink? Croaka-cola.
What do pigs put on their cuts and bruises? Oink-ment.

(Both TM My Dad, @ 1978).

You're not a moral weakling, you are a loving wife who's quite naturally worried about her husband being on a long and perilous journey who she can't get hold of. And don't kid yourself that everyone was stoic and full of Bulldog spirit and all that shit during the War. That's as big a crock as saying every single German supported Hitler.

Repeat after me: He will be home safe and sound as soon as he can.

Because HE WILL BE. Then have a snog and a cry-with-relief in his arms and let him roger you senseless feeling all 'conquering hero' and all that (although, realistically, he'll prolly be far too tired).

Would a little slap and tickle with me and AmuseBouche help pass the time?

PS Bizarrely, I know exactly which Tesco you will have been to, seeing as I know where you live and have been there in the past

I just had a full on hysterical fit of crying. I'm such a moral weakling. How would I have coped during the war? Have tried calling but it keeps saying Call ended.

Is anyone there? I need someone to tell me some good jokes or engage me in a philosophical discussion to distract me from my panicky, snotty weeping. Still no news. How did the explorers of old's wives cope?

Cleaned house - check
Made lasagne - check
Watched Murray lose - check
Been to Tesco's - check

People keep texting for progress updates

I don't want no begrudging snogs, Lyra. HARUMMMMPH Next thing I know, you'll be sending me a text intended for someone else slagging me off for being a crap kisser

You poor, poor thing - is mortifying. Think I mentioned on here before that I once accidentally sent an email of pure filth intended for TYF to an old tutor who I was asking for a reference for my PhD Thankfully, I rang him instantly and told him to delete it without reading. He did give me an amazing reference, though, she he might have read it after all!

You never know, it might work in your favour - she might realise that she should count her blessings and STFU. She should do, that's fo sho. If she's going for a drink with you, then it sounds like probably realised she asked for it!

Despite being Gertie The Blurter on here, I am ridiculously 'strictly on a need to know basis' about anything even vaguely personal in RL. I can't bear the thought of anyone talking about me, even nicely, behind my back, asking me questions or - god forbid! - pitying me Parents know, childless and v supportive Aunt knows and TYF knows (I thought that was only fair). Oh, and annoying pal who I've not seen for ages who listened in a phone call knows.

And LyraLyraPantsOnFyra, I always think it's best to have someone with you after you've had your unmentionables tinkered with. It's not so much the pain factor, as usually any pain is fleeting or totally tolerable if it lasts, but you can feel a bit tender emotionally. Or that might just be soppy ole me

Finally - SNOGS to VAG! We don't see enough of ya round here (and I mean that in every sense )!

Aah bless. How's the wee dark haired man?

On another note entirely, check out Becks on Centre Court in the crowd

Kind out an inappropriate (how many times have I used that word in the last 24 hours on here? I blame Cass) thought given that I am currently going out of mind with worry. Still no word from the MrA.

Lyra re: text: you poor love - hope she has taken it well, there but for the grace of the text-genii go we all. I also didn't tell anyone in RL we were ttc except for a tiny select handful of closest dear friends. Certainly not relatives. That way I could pretend I wasn't/when it didn't happen I could stick to seeming like we didn't try etc.

Medee had similar conversation with 22 year old beautician during a pedicure, she was testing out her first-term knowledge on me. Can't remember details as ticklish feet made me unable to retain....

Gingerbread men are a well known cure for Everything. Fact.

Text from Ski: "Please send my love to the palace and deli girls, all your support during this difficult week has been incredible."

Oh Lyra I've done that texting the wrong person too, mortifying, but I'm pleased all worked out ok with your colleague. She'd have to be an absolute bitch from hell not to get where you are coming from. Also, I was fine after the Hycosy - it was over incredibly quickly and I had some droidy aches and pains later in the evening, but I could and would have driven myself home if TG hadn't been there. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought. Fingers crossed you will have a similar experience.

Hehe, I also was determined I never wanted children and spouted forth about it at every opportunity. At 23 I even asked GP to book me in for tubes tying. I think I just like to shock people as within weeks of meeting TG we had discussed marriage (also previously opposed to) and kids, and I really enjoyed the shock on everyone faces when I told them.

Lou, you are me with the not wanting, then the wanting but so far down the not wanting that you can't go back and tell people you are now wanting.

Lyra, I am hoping I won't have to have the scan iyswim! But if I do, I am in excellent procedure-having company.

Just back from a fabulous pedicure; the woman doing it also does reflexology, and asked me, firstly, were my shoulders tense (yes) and then did I have any problems with my throat or thyroid - which I didn't think I did, and the results person at the GP said regarding my bloods that my thyroid was normal, so wonder if she has felt something that medicine hasn't picked up

OK. Thanks both. I will be DHB. Am Northern, so should be easy .

Loz: saving face + arsey and adamant = ME. I never change my mind and I'm always right, so can't cope with backtracking .

OK. Am going to get train back to That Oop North. Colleague being nice - we're going for coffee on Tues (although am still mortified). Speak laters. Luv ya

Sweetie, you'll be fine. I probably only had a weep because I could, because I was so pleased to see TNB. I would have been fine to drive/tube home on my own, had I had to.

Bloody teachers, getting time off is an impossibility in term. Then they just laze around all holiday.*

Apart from that, you will feel a bit crampy and rubbish for a couple of days. But (possible urban myth alert) it is supposed to make you super-fertile the month afterwards. Possibly because all is clean and pretty...

*Disclaimer: my parents were teachers and I know that's not true.

x-posts. I was absolutely fine with the hycosy & even asked the nurse if that was it! The boyf did pick me up, & I did cry but that was out of relief. I honestly think I could've driven myself. But the boyf arrived with a big gingerbread man for me being so brave . He drove home while I cried & ate gingerbread. He doesn't need a child, does he?

Lyra if you're a twat, then so am I, as you have just described me perfectly .

I've told 1 RL friend about TTC. Bless, she was gutted about droid. She's mentioned reflexology as there is a good one where she goes for massage who seems to have had a high success rate with differs. If nothing else I love a good foot massage...... so that's the only thing I'm doing this month (as well as teh secks for the fun of it).

Part of the reason I think I find it hard to admit to people is saving face . How daft is that? Like you lyra I've adamently said for years I didn't want children (was true). Then when people tried to persuade me I became arsey & more adament (I know you prolly find that hard to believe ) & now I have enough trouble admitting it to myself, let alone others!! I also think if I told my mum she'd go into the whole marriage discussion & although its 5 years ago the boyf & mine engagement went tits up I still don't like talking about it.

Jeez, I sound insane.

I think I need to accelerate my stepped programme of information release to stop myself going mad.

Crap am worried about Hycosy now. Am driving myself there and back, will that be OK? The info sheet they sent made out it was no drama - two paracetamol and a big sanitary towel, that was about it. Far too late to ask HO to get time off school - can't leave the kids without a teacher. I have told him he has to look after me that evening, but that's all.

Lyra You're not a twat, you're lovely. Now shhh.

My Hycosy (that's the injecty-dye one, isn't it?) was a bit weird and very painful - but only for a couple of moments, honestly! And that was only because my tube was blocked. If things are clear for you, then it won't hurt. However, because it's an invasive medical procedure, I promise you will want someone to hold your hand afterwards. As any fule kno, I am a DHB, but I cried on TNB when it was done. And we got a nice taxi home from the hospital.