30s TTC. It was the BESHt of times,it was the worst of times, it was the age of rummaging in gussets, drinking gin.....

...or possibly 'get down tonight'.

Obviously I was brought up on the Bowdlerized version

Do a little dance, make a little love, have fun tonight?

Yespliz.

I am going to watch Glee and eat a heroic plate of pasta topped with two ounces of parmesan and the devil take the consequences. Then I shall return and there'd better be a full-scale rave in 'ere

I'm wondering if we need to out some music on in here? Perhaps have a little dance?

Good work Salty, I think I'll go with that one!

Good advice Cunty. I'll write that one on my wrist and refer to it in moments of stress

Serious shittiness about your bills by the way. cannot bear all that stuff. Sometimes the injustice of it all makes me wanna puke.

Is a fabbo book SaltySeaDog! Plus, her delicatessen is a thing of wonder too.

OR...you could say 'I'm keeping myself pure in the hope that the Good Lord will choose me for the second coming'....

Oh lordy..... You might actually implode from the sense of warmth and soul-laughter you get by going back there....

Good book incidentally....

In fact, I always found the line 'it's a medical thing' prevented further comment. Not rude or argumentative but impossible to come back on. Perfect.

Poor heed

Arm yourself with a few choice one-liners in case of any intrusiveness. There's only so much nodding and smiling you can in response to such pointed rudeness (dressed up as concern, obv)

Have you read "Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit"? My upbringing was not dissimilar, only her experience sounded more fun (my chapel would have thought the use of a tambourine was akin to a full-scale orgy unfolding in front of the communion table).

don't burn your lips on the glass!

Church gives me The Fear

Fanks Salty. And yes I am making a mountain out of a teacup and a storm in a molehill. It's just I'm so tired. And the OM is so upset. And I don't want to go back to the church because it just reminds me of my upbringing and all the strangeness*.

BAH.

This flaming sambuca is JUST THE TRICK.

*Nothing sinister or illegal, I hasten to interject.

oh that sounds awful....

At least it will be over and done with soon, hey?

Have a flaming sambuca on me [hug]

Oh, and, the event will also entail people looking up and down and saying, What, ten years married and not children yet?! Go on, get on with it, best job in the world, can't think why you don't have three already, I had eleven by the time I was your age and look, they can all recite the books of the Bible in order!

Gngngnnnnngn

I'm actually borderline tearful (an annual event, if that). I am so frustrated. And really angry with myself because I'm sure I could have averted this.

We've had months of this kind of conversation (names are changed to protect identities):

Every week for the last four years:

Glenda: HB! My Son! You won't forget we want a HUGE party for our WA, will you?
HB/The OM: Of course not Mum. We'd love to arrange something for you. It's all in hand.

Monday
Glenda: Hello D-in-L! Are we going to have a party for our Wedding Anniversary? Just something tiny. Not much.
HB: Yes, Glenda. We booked the church hall in June. Do you remember?
Glenda: Oh lovely!

Tuesday
Glenda (to church members): I don't think my son is doing anything for our WA and I always said I wanted a HUGE party!

Wednesday
Church Member: Hi HB. Don't you think you should, you know, be a nice human being and arrange something for your MIL's WA?
HB (tearful): BUT WE HAVE!

Friday
Glenda: HB, do you think we should have a WA party?
HB: (baffled) What, like the one we've booked in June?
Glenda: Oh well I don't know that I want a big do. But I'd like caterers! I have a number for a catering company!
HB: That sounds lovely, why don't you book them?

Saturday, 9.15pm
Glenda: Actually, Esme offered to cater.
HB: How sweet!

Saturday, 9.17p,
HB's Mum: HB, did you know that Esme and the church are furious because you've dumped catering for a party on them with one week's notice?

Saturday, 9.18pm
The OM:
HB: [mortified emoticon]

Dreading it DREADING IT

Oh Lawks and if you only knew the background....

I think I'm going to go and pour myself a pint of Amaretti.

Can we all come??

I'd have a gin before you go if I were you....
hmmm...speaking of gin.....

Shit

May I just point out, my epic gusset activities would have had me elevated to hero status in any other culture. For sure.

Day at work over. Was a success but am knackered. Then came home to discover that my in-laws - who are decent sweet affectionate people but also, without exception, the most dithering incompetent vague borderline-demented socially inept people you can possibly even begin to imagine - have cocked even more people about viz. their wedding anniversary plans than I had previously thought. So I am now dealing with an OM who is borderline tearful (he has done everything he can to make the event nice but to no avail, as they cannot absorb any information more complex than a single syllable bellowed into their ear whilst someone in a neon tabard brandishes a semaphore flag), and fractious church members, and general prune-faced sniffiness and disapproval. Next Saturday, let me tell you my darlings, is going to be a kind of Fresh Hell hitherto undreamt-of.

Apart from that I'm fine obviously.

Whoops, sorry - that was to the wank mitten, not salty's update!

oh God. That's so many kinds of wrong.

...although talking of gussets (and I know I don't know you ladies very well, but you seem like good sorts...) I have an unusual amount of CM todya....muchos strange. I am 6 days post-O (I think).....

tis all sunny and bright here....lovely, lovely sun. Will be bronzed goddess by summer.......

My folks aren't on FB but if they were, it wouldn't matter, as I am a paradigm of virtue, tact, dignity, chastity, calmness and piety and I never swear nor post filth nor nuffink, lawluvvaduck.

Ahem.

My Dad's on Twitter, but, as I have had to show him how to use it virtually every week for a year, I'm not worried about him seeing what I write! I don't think he even knows who I am on there!

I feel your pain though, Amusant. Even though I can swear, rant and make sick jokes with my folks, I still would be weirded out by them friending me on FB. I also hear ya about the FFJ - I used to be drowing in the stuff, then the very month we started TTC it reduced drastically and I've been worrying about it, but these last 2 months, when we've not been able to make a rude for meidcal reasons, have been awash with it again. Betcha it'll be scant again this month (oooh, get ME with me proper terminology - 'scant', indeed!).

Still, at least we ladies don't have to worry about spillage like menz do - check out THIS fred for the genius that is The Wank Mitten

PDJames me too with the vino and the fanjam. What gives?!?

Oh, on FB is nothing, seasalt. Some BESHes do it much worse places than that.

Don't they, Head ????????

Well, I have t'house to meself tonight as the better half has gone out with a mate. This never happens. I am tres excited. It's going to be a wine, BGT final, hot bath and wine FEST, I tell y'all!!

Musicool rummage harder! faster! higher! Oh, no, wait, that sounds wrong. Ah well. Do it anyway I never OV till day 18 so perhaps tis just round the cervical corner, as it t'were.

It is proper hammering it down here. It's like monsoon season in a rainy place on a rainy day. I LOVE rain! Seriously. As long as I don't have to get on with normal life after getting caught in it, which, read above, I don't. So have all french doors and windows open and am hanging head out like dog. Can't wait for the temp to go down a bit. It was 36.5 in my back garden yesterday!!! Do I look Greek to you?!?!? No! I am pale and lardy. Pliz to the cold weather immediatemente