30s TTC. It was the BESHt of times,it was the worst of times, it was the age of rummaging in gussets, drinking gin.....

Will your mate be joining us, oh cunty one?

Slow and lumbering with a big swollen twinkle that drags on the ground.

Not bad for all that though ta.

How's yrsen? Fully recovered?

CUNTeeeeeeeeeeeee! How are you doing?

Re: sperm catchers (like the child catcher? eeeeeew). I don't think the mooncup per se works, as it won't hold the sperm close to the cervix. What you need is something called a softcup.

WHY DO I KNOW THIS SHIT? I used to have a brain that wasn't filled with ttc CRAP. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Mmmmm. Desperate Romantics. I think VAG let them escape ages ago. What with Brooker having fled, the bar totty are really misbehaving recently.

Cooo-eeeee \O

(I was mentioned on the last page and my self-publicizing gene got the better of me)

Was chatting to a BESH friend of mine on FB yesterday - she had a mc at 11 weeks a couple of months ago - and now she's proper menkulling and on her 2WOOFL. I sympathized, whilst recognising all the signs... Bless her, she thought she was the only one in the world ever to do her crust because of the vaguaries of TTC. I informed her of our gang. She was relieved.

drom when I first started having smears, they used the plain old metal speculum, perhaps run under a warm tap if you were lucky. These days they have a lovely acrylic (I think) dildo type thing that makes the passage up there much smoother, even if it looks a little suggestive. I have seen these too many times for my liking, between pre-cancer/infection/other investigations - at least every six months at one point.

Probably best that you don't look, though, especially if it's going to make you think of vampire dick

'ello pick-up-a!

Yeurgh. Have now gone off Mitchell as reality dawns. Actually I went off him in the last series when he and that woman vampire had a killing spree on the train and then shagged covered in blood and gore. I was nearly sick. It was so not a good look for him. Better as Rossetti I think.

Hello penguin. Penguins are actually one of my favourite creatures.

I wonder if there is any other place in the world where the merits of glass dildos are seriously discussed. Actually, thinking about it, there are probably loads. Actually

Clear penis-shape things? WTF? Have I never looked at what they're doing?

Trufax: my first smear. Nervous. Very jolly-hockey sticks doctor comes in, explains what will happen. Am lying on the couch with naked bottom half when she yells, in posh voice, "Gosh, it's just like being in someone else's kitchen, isn't it?" Turns out she meant she couldn't find the speculum, but my mind did briefly boggle.

Glass dildos are wrong because cold. Like the vivid description in vampire novel I read once where vampire had an icy penis. I mean, they obviously would, what with being corpses and having no circulation, but it really messed with my Spike fantasises.

No one is to point out that vampires aren't real. Buffy was a documentary, goddamit.

Just realised why I find the idea of a glass dildo so wrong: it's because of those clear penis-shaped things they shove the speculum up during smears etc.

as you were

hello there girlies, am lurking here if nobody minds (or even if you do, hehe)
cos your thread is much amusing me!

I must admit I love the idea of the glass dildos and may perhaps purchase one...

anyway, fascinated by the mooncup suggestion. cuz how are we gonna get pg if all the little sperms all fall out eh?
although am hoping in my case as my DH is a v good swimmer they will take after him and be just fine! does it work like that?

Cor... imagine a real ginstream... we could just lie on the banks in the sun and dunk our heads in.

Unfortunately I did watch The Holiday all the way through. I had insomnia... I hoped it would send me to sleep. It just annoyed me and I went to bed at 2am and had to read for ages to get it out of my mind. I cannot stand Jude Law or Kate Winslet and the whole thing was just utter pish. I wish I'd seen the 'turn it off' advice before wasting nearly two hours of my life.

Oh well. Today I am sewing. I am making the dog a new bed. Well I would be if a) needle hadn't snapped off and b) I could remember how to thread bobbin.

Good luck at works Scorps. I v jealous of *Gin/Streme' meet.

You've lost me there Scorps. I had a very early start. I was singing "Beadle's About"

Oh well.

I have a vision of Aries having a load of fertility tests and a specialist turning to her, lowering his glasses down his nose and saying sternly 'I think I've found your problem. Tell me, when was the last time you played Teddy Bear's Picnic?'

Watch out! Lyra's about! Watch out! Lyra's about! Watch out...

Yes. As you were.

Oh YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! Who needs a glass dildo with Lyra about?!

Am off to work - will be using hurty tum as both genuine and fake excuse to do bugger all... hopefully

I'm still not encouraged to give one a whirl. I'm such a prude!

I don't think a glass dildo would be in danger of breaking. It'll be solid and solid glass is pretty tough stuff.

Maybe they'd make it like the safety glasses in pubs? So when you smash it then it breaks into little harmless chunks.

ployethylene polyethylene. If anyone thought it was important.

I used to love Jude Law, but as time has gone by, he has become more of a twat and steadily unsexier. Also, his hairline is weird - not normally something to dislike someone for, I'll grant, but I'll make an exception for him.

Re the glass dildo's nice smoothness - surely some kind of plastic could have similar properties, Lyra? PET or ployethylene for instance? And there's then no risk of it splintering and causing horrific and embarrassing injury.

Re the mooncup after sex - surely some other small receptacle would have similar properties? A cup from a doll's tea set for instance?

Re me being up at 5am - I had to arise with MrA as he set off to France and had to catch 8am ferry, to get him up, ensure he had a shower, to make his lunch, ensure he left on time etc. Surely someone else would have similar properties? His mother, for instance? In fact why am I bothering TTC? I have a child already.

The Holiday was rubbish.

I dismissed the mooncup advice just the other day when it was mentioned on the mc thread. I just don't see how it can be necessary. I know it seems like everything runs straight out after the shagging, but enough stays in to give you a fighting chance. What if the stuff that slides out is the lazy Wayne & Waynettas? I want them gone, they're lazy and too busy smoking a fag to go find the egg.

Did you make it through the whole of The Holiday, Poll? I didn't, thought it was vile - it felt v. self conscious and fake.

Poor Scorps's tumtum, what a cow to do that to you

RieRie why you on MN at 5am?

It seems I am alone in thinking a glass vibe sounds nice - it would be sooo smoooove.

Thanks for everyone sending Teh Hate to Nurse Cuntbastard. Tum pain not so bad now. The always-wondrous TYF was so caring about it (he only played 45 mins of PS3, that's how concerned he was for me).

Drom! Getting the YA gig hardly makes up for the BMI-mare, but is small ray of sunshine. Pleased for you.... and so fucking jealous! Do you need any readers to check out your new releases? Hey, my mental age is about 14 (emphasis on the mental, hurhur). Seriously, SEND ME LOADS OF TEENY SUPERNATURAL HOKUM!!!

Laydeez, I read a v weird TTC tip yesterday and was going to link to it but then I got me stitches fucked with and forgot. Anyway, here is the tip, fresh from the US of A: after submitting to relations with one's partner, pop a mooncup up your chuff chuff to stop all the spermz from escaping! Sounds weird and yet logical. I don't have a mooncup but maybe I should. Doesn't sound like the most sensual and romantic of post-coital activities, but bollocks to that - I WANT A BAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

PS I fucking hate Jude Law. Saw a clip of him slagging off Charlie Brooker and Marina Hyde for criticising slebs because, according to Law, they're jealous of celebs and don't realise that famous folk are famous because they're better and more important than normal people and they inspire mere plebs to try harder in their own pathetic, meaningless lives (or words to that effect). Cuuuuuuuuuuuuunty lizard man.

That sounds like an amazing job, where do I get one?