18, single & desperate for a baby?!

Pretty as much as you think you are mature enoigh to bring a child into the world please think again.

I had my dd at 17. I had a crappy upbringing, and looking back I was desperate to have a loving family and a settled home life. Due to the fact I didn't have a family of my own it made perfect sense to create my own - hence having a baby.

I love my daugher and am so grateful that i had her - however the fact remains i had her for purely selfish reasons. My life when she was young was chaotic to say the least. Her father buggered off when she was 3 months, i went back to work FT, added to which I had crippling PND, huge issues caused by abusive childhood, a mad sense of self loathing, and pushed myself to the limit what with working and studying. I was also skint.

My love for dd certainly helped me from going under, that much is absolutely certain, but it is NOT an ideal environment to bring up a child.

Everything all turned out hunky dory in teh end - somehow I managed to keep a lid on everything. DD is 14 now and is absolutely wonderful, we have a lovely life and she is as happy as could be. But I think I owe that more to stupendous luck and the fact that my dd was born with a sunny nature than purely down to what I managed to do.

You really need to owe it to yourself to try and get yourself to a happier place before you attempt to bring another innocent life into it.

If you did have a dd now you are taking an enormous risk with both your state of mind and your child's. You will benefit enormously if you just wait a few years, and develop a steady and loving relationship. Invest all your youthful energy and time to making yourself happy.

Wait until you are 21 and if you still want to do it then fair enough but put it to the back of your mind until then, spend the next few years gaining more qualifications, set up your own business, go travelling, write a book, make lots of friends, have some FREEDOM.

I had my dd1 at 17, I was single mum, it was incredibly hard work and tiring, my dd1 is nearly 11 now and the thing I regret is that I have NEVER had any freedom to do what I want, only once in my life have I been able to walk into a shop and pick a whole outfit without looking at the prices. I wasn't able to go out anywhere on my own without having to get a babysitter. I haven't been able to go travelling, I don't get many holidays because I can't afford them. Dinner has to be on the table at 5pm everyday and has been for as long as I can remember.

They say children get easier as they get older but I wouldn't say it is easier I'd say it's different, you need to think about the long term, it's not just the first few years that are tough.

To be a Mum you must.......
work 24/7 for no pay, no holiday days, no sick days, you must be a teacher, nurse, speech therapist, cook, cleaner, snot and bum wiper, you must never tire of their chatter or when they ask why why why why why why why why why why but whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? what are cows made of? what is glass made of? who made the moon? why do we have 2 hands? you must hold your nerve when they are tantruming very loudly in public, you must not get embarrassed when they shout at the top of their voice why is that lady fat with a beard?

Why don't you become a childminder or a nanny until you are in a stable secure relationship?

You're welcome PCG - though if I'm honest I've now got to the stage whereby I can mention all that stuff in passing, it's not a big deal IYSWIM

PCG, how old is your ex? Would the planned baby have one parent who was a bit older? Has he ever been a parent before?

Hurley - thats a lovely thing to say to someone who's suffered a late miscarriage and abuse

What does your therapist think about you having a baby PCG?

That's a bit harsh Hurley, just because someone is rich doesn't make them spoilt.

That said, Hurley is right that your feelings may not be "cured" by having a baby.
What happens then?

I still don't really understand why W is your ex - why could you not be together?

Have you thought about university/further education? Going travelling?

So basically you are a spoilt little rich girl who thinks all your dysfunction will be cured by havign a baby with your ex who presumably is equally as young and clueless as you? What a marvellous set up to bring a baby into

I do think it's easy to underestimate how hard it is having a baby, but that's nothing to do with age. Plenty of older mums struggle too.

I decided to have a (planned) baby at 19, and we didn't tell anyone we were trying for fear of negative reactions. But it's all worked out though, I'm not the greatest mummy and I've struggled a bit with PND but I think I'm doing a half-decent job, my 2 kids are so loved. I'm so glad I didn't leave it until I was older TBH. Age is definitely not an indicator of parenting ability.

The main difference though, is that I'd been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years then (now nearly 8, we're married too). I know lots of people manage as single parents but I just couldn't do it myself. I mean even if DH and I split but he was still involved in the childcare, not sharing the love of a partner would be way too hard.

So sorry about your MC. I was abused too, BTW, and very glad I had plenty of therapy in my teens (after a major breakdown, self-harm etc) - if I hadn't resolved those issues fully, I'd find parenting a lot harder.

What do the rest of your Extended family think?

Curiouser and curiouser

Pretty, am very curious, how do you have a house and car and savings at age 18?

and why is W your ex - presumably there must be a reason you split up, are you not concerned about taking on such a lifelong responsibility with someone you split up from?

What happens if you have a child and you still feel the empty feeling?

Very well put, Trafficcone -- no child should come into the world with a job already set out for him or her. When you have a baby, it's not about the mum at all any more. It's all baby, baby, baby, all the time, day and night for years and years and years.

I hope you've been getting all the help you need, PCG, to help you deal with the abuse you've suffered as well as the miscarriage and the grief of that.

Take it from me, who had her first at 20. I was too young. I hadn't even finished my degree so my husband now has to work all the hours God sends
because my earning potential is Limited.
My son is alive and reasonably well brought up but was I ready? NO. Did I do a better job with my subsequent babies, when I was mature, owned my home and was married? YES.
And already I know I'm a better Mum to the one I'm expecting now I'm in my thirties, my thoughts on feeding, nappies etc all show a mature selfless attitude I didn't have back then.

Do you know what's really fun about being a 'singleton' Mum, that is, one with no partner OR expartner. It's your child asking year in,year out where his father is and why his father isn't involved and even better 'where is he?'
Do you really think you can pick a one night stand sperm Donor and he'll suddenly want to do weekend access and CSA payments for 18 years?

What happened to you in the past is very sad but don't go bringing a child into the world just to heal a hurt. Your future kids deserve a nice house, nice Daddy and selfless adult Mummy who knows both where she's going and where she's been.

Are you sure it's not just loneliness? You have so much time ahead of you, 18 is just so young, why not at least wait a few years. I think early twenties is very young to take on being a mother.

You wouldn't believe how much work it is, maybe you see mums and their babies about and all is quiet, a cute sleeping baby in a buggy but it's not like that at all.

Very sorry to hear you lost a baby, that would certainly need to be dealt with before you go ahead.

Take folic acid tablets if you are trying to 'accidently get pregnant' and remember you might get something other then a baby.

I have had my dc at 37 and 40 and I still had o change quickly and grow up in ways I know I couldn't have at 18.

At 18 a baby was the last thing I would have wanted, I had moved out and was just learning how to look after myself. It took years before I even learnt how to properly feed myself.

Just take baby steps yourself, give yourself time, forget about it until at least 25.

I am serious in my suggestion of a pet, and although to the point, I hope compassionate too. If the OP got a puppy or kitten it might help give her a feeling of parenting something that needs her, without taking the huge step of having a child in order to fill that need.

If this poster is genuine and this is a genuine cry for help - most of you are being vile in extremis.

I just mean - if you are going to share your story, why not share more than just the bare bones of it. I'm sure there's more to it than just the first 100 or so words. WHat about your desperation, your past experiences, that empty feeling. Let's get past the cliches..

...over to you.

And a coil.

Get a pet.

Totally sympathise about the yearning after a pregnancy loss BUT actually having a baby doesn't stop you yearning for the one you lost, unfortunately. The baby feels like a unique person, you can't replace people. Hopefully counselling will get you through this hard time, having a baby won't.