18, single & desperate for a baby?!

Catinhat and Hurley too: am impressed by your acuity.

I am 22 and I too am desperate for a baby and have been since my DS was about 18 months - he's now 4. I go through stages of being really desperate and thinking about it every day and then still really wanting one but it is pushed to the back of my mind and i don't think about it quite as often. I think I am at my most desperate at the moment, constantly watching programmes about babies and pregnancy and crying at them I have my godson who I try to look after as much as possible but does anyone have any other ways of trying to deal with this? I'm not single but I have only been with my DP for a short amount of time and although he does want kids I don't think he wants them quite yet, and even if he did we've not been together long enough for us to start trying for a baby. I feel sick to my stomach every time I see my contraceptive patch cos I know I am consciously going against what I really want. I have urges to just rip it off my skin but know I can't. :(

Have you considered child minding? It's a way I have discovered that helps fulfil part of my 'want' to have a baby and I get all of the fun side of having kids but get to hand them back afterwards. In some respects it's the best of both worlds and helps give a little extra time into deciding what you want.

Hi.

I'm 21 and feel exactly the same as you do about having a baby, and I have done from quite a young age.

I've never been pregnant and therefore I can never understand what it must feel like to lose a baby, and I hope that it is something I never will have to experience. Knowing how I feel about wanting to have a baby without having to have dealt with what you have makes me appreciate how much harder it must be for you.

I came onto this site because I was looking for similar advice to what you were, and after reading all the comments given by the other posters I can say that everyone has given really good advice. The only thing is when you're in a position like this it makes it very easy to think 'well it's alright for you to think that, you've already got what I want'.

You sound like you've got quite a lot sorted for yourself, house, car, money, and now what you want to complete that is a baby. Unfortunately I'm not as organised as that, I have a car and a job but not a place of my own - yet.

The thing is I could quite easily go out and get pregnant if I wanted to, or find my self in a similar situation to the one you're in with your ex and the result would be that I would be pregnant, but there is a major thing that is stopping me.

I don't want to bring a child into the world under circumstances like that. There is a whole lot more to having a child than just fulfilling our own personal desire. We might feel emotionally ready but is our 'baby' emotionally ready to handle us?

What I mean by that is, I know sexual attitudes have changed and not many people believe in the old fashioned concept of love, then marriage and then the children, but for a child that is the best way to be brought up. Even though you and your ex would love your child it should not be passed from one parent to the other because you realised that as a couple you didn't work out.

I've seen lots of relationships break up around me and the kids passed from one to the other at weekends and holidays etc and the parents discover there is something missing from their lives.

What if you have this baby and fulfil that longing but then discover later down the line that there is something else missing from your life - the love of a good man.

So really what I'm trying to say is that, I know how you feel about desperately wanting to have a baby, but give absolutely everything some serious thought.

Sometimes my obsession with having a baby gets so bad that I could quite happily jump the next guy who got on the bus! But when it comes to having a baby we have to think about what is best for them, even before they are in existence, and we have to make the most selfless choice we will probably ever have to make and wait until the time is right, when the circumstances are right, and when they are right you'll know, and when we do know, we will not need to ask the question should I have a baby?

I know most people, if not all, will read this and prolly role their eyes and think its a load of tosh, but speaking as someone in this kind of position, this is the best kind of advice I can give and I hope it helps.

I had my first at 23 at although wasnt as young as you is still young. However I waited until I had owned my place for 5 years, been married for 3 years and was settled. I dont think I would ever have a baby if I wasnt married first and settled.

is PCG still around? hope nobody's scared you off!

I'm thinkin' a good plan would be go to college and when you've completed the course see how you feel? it's a concrete amount of time and it'd be an incentive to get your course done and do well on it.

DH and I wanted kids really early in our relationship but I decided to finish A levels first. those 2 years made a massive difference IMHO, not so much in terms of 'growing up' (I was never into the whole drinking/going out stuff) but more in finding out who I was, getting self confidence and making friends. I think I would've found PND much worse if it wasn't for that.

make sense?

There's possibly also the aspect here of trying to hold on to 'W' in some way by having a baby with him -- maybe because of not being able to envision anyone else in your life in the role of partner? After all, he's been with you for a really large part of your short life so far.

You seem very selfish I'm afraid. You've said what's in it for you but what about the poor baby/child. There only to fulfil your need? No stable relationship? No home of your own I assume, no qualifications? People do split up yes, I am divorced from the father of my daughter, accidents also happen. But to choose a non-stable (non existant) relationship for your child, how is that fair on your child?

And at 18 you know nothing. Get some ambition. Train. Become a pilot, a teacher, an accountant, travel the world, volunteer for charities at home or abroad, lie on a beach in Goa, start your own business, do something but do not have a baby.

And if you are Extended, get your sick kicks elsewhere.

I was 18 having ds after a fairly similar life to you not quite as bad but some of it similar. I am 22 now have two dc I love my life I am a successful mother in most senses of the word I have a mortgage and my dc lead a fairly good life I am not perfect but on the scale I think I am a good mum.

However my story of being young mum is rare and there are more negative stories than positive. I could not have done any of these things without my very stable loving supportive dp who has a degree a good job and a stable relationship. I can honestly say without dp I would not have been as good a mum(though I know some women make better mums). Being both young and single would have made life very hard.

I lost all my friends and so therefore I am alone other than dp which is why I need him and his support. By all means have a baby but if you are as responsible as you say you are and truly ready for the responsibility then you wont have a baby until you are in a happy, loving stable relationship and a good home to bring your child up in someone to share both the ups and downs with. Good luck whatever you decide.

mathsmad, if that is in refernce to my post then i wasn't implying that everyone who has children young will regret them.

it was only based on how i feel about having my dc young.

If you really want to have a child to give it the best life you can don't have one yet.

If this is real.

oops. a few years obviously.

clearly my typing skills have not matured yet.

oh dear I guess in a few I'll end up regretting having my lovely babies then!

I don't think PCG has spent nearly enough time, if she has spent any at all, as the picture. She has been the frame (great analogy there DMST) while she was sexually abused, while her parents cast her as the nanny, and even while pregnant in her early teens (still don't know if this was due to the abuse or to a relationship, but if she was under age then she was abused anyway, legally-speaking).

I hope you'll be brave enough to risk future life experiences, and situations that put you front and centre in your own life, and all the joys and sorrows that come with that decision. I hope you'll have the strength to embrace yourself and your life, which I don't think anyone in your life has ever taught you to do, instead of basically hoping for self-annihilation, which is what remaining mired in the patterns of the past would mean past, PCG. Try to break free -- get a therapist to examine the element of fear in your circumstances.

i had ds1 at 19 and thought i was more than ready. whilst i would never turn back the clock because we all love him and he is our lives. i know now what people say when tehy tell you to wait.

i have friends who can go on holiday whenever they want, tehy can go out for the night at the drop of a hat, they can give up their job if they dont like it because no one depends on them for the wage. they can spend all their money on hair and make-up and clothes and jewellery.

what i am saying is, they can be totally selfish and dont have to answer to anyone or arrange babysitters, childcare, school-runs, summer holiday care etc. they can do whatever they want to do with their lives because they are only responsible for themselves. and at 18, that is just how it should be.

You really do need more life experience to take on raising a child. When I look back at myself at 18 I realise I was an idiot in so many ways. I'm not generalising, I am actually a very bright intelligent person, I got a college place in an extremely difficult college to get into, I am a talanted artist, but I was still an idiot! That is just the nature of being a teenager.

And tbh I think the teen years continue well into your twenties, I think people mature at about 26/27.

And even then there is a huge difference by 29/30.

All I'm saying is if you want to give your child the best chance in life then wait.

Wait until you are more mature, even 24 would be so much better then 18.

18 is all about you, that's natural, it's just the way it is at that age, so try and make sure you are not inclined to do this meet your needs, that would be very selfish.

When you have a baby, it is all about the baby and then child, for the next 20 years.

I've yet to meet someone who had a baby at that young age and didn't regret it and feel that they should have waited.

"When you are a parent you become the frame, no longer the picture. Which is wonderful and fulfilling, but ideally not until you have spent enough time in the picture, if you see what i mean."

Drivermams - just wanted to say thanks for this, this sums up exactly why I am currently dithering about having kids! Think I'll be ready in a year or two but not yet...

FGS just because her family is well off does not make her spoiled! She is earning, if it was basically scrounging off parents you made have had a point.

I don't intend on being rude here however you are 18. Should you chose to have a child( a child and not a baby- they don't stay babies long love) then you will be responsible for them until they are 18. Minimum. Thats your entire lifespan. Think back over your life so far and how much time has past and whether you are really ready to spend that amount of time out of the spotlight. When you are a parent you become the frame, no longer the picture. Which is wonderful and fulfilling, but ideally not until you have spent enough time in the picture, if you see what i mean. As a previous poster said you can't unmake a child. Don't risk losing a lot of your potential life experience and worse then to perhaps regret/resent your child for that loss.

OP, why dont you do the college thing before you have a child? it will be so hard after the baby is born, why not make it easier on yourself by going to college first? you'll meet new people, maybe find a lovely guy that you can settle down in a stable relationship with, and once you've got all the college stuff done and prepared yourself for a lifetime of supporting this baby, then think about having one?
you may have experience of children but you need to experience life being a teenager, being a young adult, being yourself first!

PCG

this is most probably not for me to say but form what you have posted i truly think you are not in a good position to be creating a life.

1. you have lost a baby and you dont seem to have dealt with that properly. while it is true to say you will never get over that loss, you will come to a stage where you feel as though you have accepted it and grieved.

2. you say you are having counselling for other issues, and you also mention abuse. these need to be dealt with before you even think of having a family. a child deserves to have a stable parent.

3)the baby you lost cannot be replaced with anotehr one. it was your first baby and will always be that.

4. any child deserves to be wanted for being itself and not as a replacement for a dead sibling. it is just not right to have a baby for that reason

5. once you have a child, you are mum forever. there is no break, there is no turning back the clock. you will have to put your baby first for the rest of your life.

my advice to you would be to deal with all your issues, no matter how long that takes, you need to do this for you, not so you can have a baby. and start living. you are 18, make lots of friends, get yourself a career or and education, start buliding a nest for your eventual family. you will feel much more ready for a family when you have done all the living you want to do and built up a bit of financial security.

so we have -

teen, single parents, having babies with fuck buddy, private colleges, rich parents who can provide own house/car, and steiner education.

Are there any more issues of contention that could be crammed into this one thread?

What mathanxiety says. You're too scared of what you could become so you're reverting to your comfort zone. Please go and get some decent help and enjoy being a young adult - it really is a time you won't get again!

pmsl @ hully

So you suffered sexual abuse, you also seem to have been used as a substitute parent to your younger brother by your parents who were much too busy to be parents to him themselves, you had a miscarriage in your early teens (were you pregnant as a result of the abuse or the relationship with W?)...

You have been to counselling and you have a job and a backup income/ trust fund. You have a place in a college whenever you want to take it up.

You've finished school. You're at a crossroads of sorts even though you have a part time job.

And instead of trying the uncharted waters of the college and your young adulthood, you are contemplating reverting to the pattern of your childhood where you were effectively the parent of your young brother, doing things your parents should have done. You are settling for the familiar for some reason -- you are even working right now with young children, so that's not so different from being a parentified child either.

Are you trying to recreate experiences from your past by having an actual baby of your own because of fear of the new and the different (college, adult life, choices to make about your direction in life) or to resolve the huge conflicts that being cast in the role of parent must have caused you when you were too young to take it on?

Please go back to therapy, and get a really good therapist this time. There is far too much damage in your past and by all indications it has not been resloved at all. When someone keeps on recreating challenges, they are stuck.

I think having a baby now might seem attractive to you because it forecloses your options for the future.