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Original poster

Giving up TTC - how easy is that?

38 replies

Spacefrog · 13/04/2010 14:51

Hello, I've been TTC for six months, I know it's not much but now I want to move on. I have one DD that took 25 months to conceive due to low sperm count, and now DH and I are two years older so we'd need a miracle to get pg, or so I feel.

I'm getting rid of DD's stuff that I was keeping for a sibbling and have decided that I never ever again want SWI, only lots and lots of SFF. And I will never buy a hpt again unless I am one month late.

Anyone has been there before? I feel liberated but sad, could use some support... Oh, and please let me that only children are happy children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spacefrog · 26/04/2010 12:44

Hi Italiangreyhound
Sorry abouth your failed IVF. I've be not TTC for two weeks only so it was the easiest bit. Despite my best intentions we did happen to have sex in the fertile days (so much more tempting when you shouldn't, right? ). Anyway, trying not to bother too much about the outcome.

I'm trying to take a fatalistic approach: If there's a second baby for us she will come when she's ready. No need to press her. Maybe we're meant to remain the three of us and it's fine too.

Meet me here next week and I'll tell you how the Not Symptom Spotting is going.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2010 19:40

How's it going with not ttc Spacefrog, Skibi, KaraThrace and all?

I have just had IVF for the last time and it did not work. I said this would be the last time and so we should now have stopped TTC (we also have one DD). Your comments about children without siblings were very helpful and it certainly is liberating to be able to drink again (not that I drink a lot!). I was doing the fertility thing for two months this year so wine-free from end of January! So tonight is only about my second glass of wine in nearly three months. Anyway, I know this thread is a bit old so you may not be around, but wanted to say hi, and thanks you were all helpful to me.

KaraThrace · 14/04/2010 14:28

Spacefrog I totally agree I need to move on also there is SO much more to life that the 28 day cycle length roller coaster.

skibi I do have one already so I need to enjoy her (it doesn't help I went back to work this year and I hate it because it takes up all my time and was meant to be part time). I have been TTC for 24 months, but it has been complicated by having to seek medical advice when period did not return when I gave up breastfeeding. My body thought it was still pregnant and the MC fucked it all up again. The drugs make me feel ill too. So yes it is definitely time to move on and be normal again!

Husband and I have booked 2 gigs, my parents are going to have DD and we are going to have fun. Dancing and drinking and out late, now I haven't done that for such a long time and I wouldn't be able to do that if I was pregnant too.
(rant over)

Original poster
Spacefrog · 13/04/2010 21:44

skibi I'll join you with the wine. Another advantage of not getting pregnant, eh eh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spacefrog · 13/04/2010 21:42

Kara sorry about your miscarriage. This whole business of TTC and not succeeding IS hard to deal with. For starters, there's our reproductive instinct shouting "ONE MORE, ONE MORE!". And then there's the pressure around us: it seems normal to get at least a second kid once you get one. Most our friends do. And we feel guilty for not producing a sibling to the first born.

And also I had ideas of big family when I got married. I come from one and I always thought I'd have one. I remember in the early days I was negotiating with DH to have three kids - he "only" wanted two.

BUT... Isn't there more to life than checking cervical mucus, peeing on ovulation sticks, having sex because "it is the day" and spending a whole two weeks every month to wait and count down the days till we can at last pee on a pregnancy test and then cry because it's negative and be angry with ourselves we've just wasted £7? I did it long enough. I don't think I can do it any more.

Need to move on.

OP posts:
skibi · 13/04/2010 21:35

Karathrace, do you have a DC already? how long have you been TTC? i agree about friends - they have all done the second and a couple about to start for number 3. we all had our first babies at the same time! i also agree that time will help - but that time is not now!

Hubby is good to go with whatever decision i make, so that's at least encouraging and we don't have conflict. ho hum...am going to get another glass of wine...

KaraThrace · 13/04/2010 21:06

skibi - it is really, really frustrating I agree and that is part of it for me, I am angry that I don't seem to be able to and it pisses me off that I can't. For me it is highlighted by all my pregnant friends (or ones that have had their second already), I think in 5 years time this will no longer matter and I will not cry anymore. I keep thinking about then.

skibi · 13/04/2010 20:23

Its so damn frustrating though, i cant make the descision to give up - or stop. its not like i am greiving for this non existent baby. i dont feel like i have a 'hole' to fill. a gap in the family. a non 'complete' family. i seem to be able to deal with the month on month dissapointment when the boobs stop being tender and i know my period will come any second. i just seem to be unable to make a descion about it. i am not ready to give up. i dont think. and then i think about how easy life is. How DD sleeps 12 1/2 hours a night. how i have to wake her up every morning. how i can leave the house in 10 mins if i need to. how i can give her my energy and my time. i have only her to look after means that i know her every inch and her mind. and i love her so dearly. God i am writing this in floods.maybe i am not dealing with this as well as i thought. sorry. i am babbling.

KaraThrace · 13/04/2010 19:12

Hello SpaceFrog.
I am in the same situation as yourself with regard to giving up TTC. I have one DC who is nearly 3 and had a mc late last year.
It took me 18months to get pregnant second time, but hardly anytime for first pregnancy.
I feel like I don't have the energy to keep going. So we have decided to stop as well. We have discussed this at length and the sadness of not getting pregnant each month is not worth it for us.
We are going to enjoy our DC and the fact that we can so much fun together, have more money to spend on her and ourselves. And as we live in London and it also means that we don't have to kill ourselves getting a place big enough for 4.
Plus we keep telling ourselves we are doing our bit for the environment .
Both my parents were only children and they seem happy enough to me. I do feel sad that she won't have the bond with someone like I do with my brother but you can't have everything.

Original poster
Spacefrog · 13/04/2010 18:36

Thanks for your replies! I feel more confident already about having an only child.

Skibi I am not using contraception, just effectively avoiding sex in the supposedly "fertile days". This way, it stops me spending the rest of the month if I am pregnant or not. SWI is the mumnset acronym for Sex With Intent and SFF is Sex For Fun.

I love having just one child, there are so many precious moments and I am not running around like I would do with two. Having her was like winning the lottery, I'll tell her later that very few people win the lottery twice!

OP posts:
Nanny01 · 13/04/2010 18:15

I am an only child it was sometime lonely but does have advantages. While growing up I needed extra help as I am dyslexic I was able to change schools and do almost activity from sailing to horse riding. I went to a private school and never had to share. My parents were and still there for me. They still do more for me than most if I had brother and sisters. Just make sure you tell your child why they are an only child as for a while I thought it was me, it was not until I grew up I realised that things wern't straight forward. My mother took 6 years to concieve me and nothing happened after that though they had wanted another. Just let your child know they are loved. I went on to have 4 and this shooks my mother so don't expect to have a single grandchild either. I also marred an only child too. Holidays you can do more with 1 child we spend a fortune on ours. There is a time for everything it is hard moving on especialy when the decisions arn't choosen like in your situation. My close friend has gone through it now after failed IVF but she is grateful for her lovely blonde haired blue eyed girl who we all adore. Hang in there

BUnderTheBonnet · 13/04/2010 15:38

Hi,
I'm an only child and I never felt at all lonely. I hated the thought of having a brother of sister to be honest, once I was old enough to realise that it would mean sharing my parents and not having as much stuff for myself! I suppose I will wish I had a sibling as my parents age to the point where they need care, but to be honest, I had so many more opportunities as a child because I was an only one (school trips, private school...) that I can't really regret it.
Hope that helps, and good luck with your decision - I hope it brings you some peace

skibi · 13/04/2010 15:28

Hi Space frog.

How do you 'move on'? will you start to use contraception? i only ask because i am in similar situation.
DD convieved first month of trying and is nearly 4. i have been diagnosed at Emergancy C section with unicornuate uterus (effectively half a uterus).
2 years TTC we are at that stage trying to work out whether to 'move on' or seek intervention. its very hard.
i feel exactly the same about having an only child and whether she will be happy. Sometimes it breaks my heart to think that she might be lonely at some points and other times i think how liberating life is with only one child and how much more we would be able to offer her as will be less financially stretched.

PS what is SWI and SFF? new to this messaging stuff!