Waiting to TTC part 2!

Thanks for your post Amanda. TBH your combined reasons sound quite like ours! Finances definitely number one. It's interesting that you mention 'no house' as one of your reasons for waiting - I am the same. I guess I always assumed that buying a house comes before having a baby, but how the hell does anyone in this country ever get a mortgage????? All the banks need a minimum of 20% deposit to grant a mortgage. Considering the average price of a flat in London is £300K+, that is a deposit of at least £60K. I just don't see how we will ever save that

Work is another issue. I am self-employed and have worked bloody hard to be where I am at the moment. I love my work and have so many exciting things going on, am turning work away, never believed I would be so successful. It's very scary to think of giving all that up. Or at least putting it on hold.

And then there's health. I have an autoimmune disease that can cause problems with fertility. I am also unfit and very underweight - I need to gain lots of muscle mass before considering falling pregnant.

I don't have any family in the UK, and my in-laws are not nearby. We would have no practical support in terms of childcare. I've always wanted to be a very 'present' mother, so will not want to return to work fulltime. After a few months I am sure I can start work again one or two days a week - but would need to save to be able to pay rent and bills etc in the meantime.

It's a nightmare thinking about it all. Everyone always says 'if you wait until the right time you'll never have children' but when will it be 'right enough'?

Only two of my close friends have DC. Two of DH's friends have LO. DH is three years younger than me, which means that I'm asking him to do something I wouldn't have been prepared to do at his age.

Just exactly as you found, CuppaTee, once sufficient of DH's friends had got married, DH was happy to do so as well. I think this will be the same. So I keep desperately hoping DH's friends' wives will make announcements, but I think they're probably thinking the same about me!

He's just fed up with hearing about it. I've no idea how much I mention it but from my (perhaps slightly paranoid) point of view it seems constantly. I'm almost constantly thinking about it and restraining myself from mentioning it! DH is willing to talk about it a bit, but doesn't really see what the purpose of the conversations are. Poor DHs - what they have to go through!

Leptin you say that finances are one of the reasons for waiting. What are the others? I have such a combination! Finances, DH, no house, fear, work... I'm planning to save £5k before I have the baby, but most of that is to cover loan repayments while I'm off work. The main costs are going to be childcare, which I'm expecting will cost £800 to £1000 a month. But DH has started making noncommital grunting noises which, if you listen carefully, sound like "why don't you stay at home with the baby for longer?" But that must be my imagination.

Thank you. Looking forward to hearing of others' experiences.

Welcome Leptin. I shall have to wait and reply to these when I get home and get on the laptop.

Ooh can I join in too? Was just lurking on the Conception board, saw this thread and thought 'that's me!'
Background: 30 years old, married for two and a half years. Hopelessly broody.
Our reason for waiting is mainly financial. I moved to the UK four years ago with no savings, met DH who had had a considerably misspent youth, had some debt and also no savings. Now we are both earning well and starting to build a little nest egg, but I just cannot see how we will ever be able to afford for me to give up work. How will we pay the rent?
I am self-employed, so no maternity leave, and am not a British citizen, so no benefits.
Can anyone give me any guidance as to how much money you spend in the first year or so?
Did any of you 'save up' for your first child?

Thank you

Do you have friends your age with children?
My DH definately need the reassaurance of other people in a similar situation having kids.
Having our friends get married was definately a factor in helping him getting round to propose!

What is he like when you talk about having children? Does he try and re-direct any conversation on to something else?

I am trying really hard to read too many other threads, you're right there are some very worrying stories out there.

I like the way you put that we'd been a family of two forever, that is so true!
Although it has increased by a little bit - DH thought getting a kitten a couple of months ago would help me not be as broody and give me a distraction.. how wrong he was.

Welcome to the thread! No idea how to make the time go more quickly I'm afraid, nor any suggestions about how to treat your DH's Fear of Fatherhood. It made mr feel a lot better to find out that it is normal for men to be ambivalent about having a baby and not just my DH. I started off believing I'd never have one and that I'd end up lonely and mad pushing one of those very lifelike baby dolls round an American park!

But he's making more positive noises and I'm just trying to focus on keeping December fixed in mind as the date to start TTC, having presented a very good case financially and taking into account all the other factors. Also, trying to get him to realise that having a baby is something that cool and crazy young men of his age can and do do.

I didn't want to say this on the thread you started but if you possibly can, stay out of threads on the conception forum. You will convince yourself you are infertile/will take five years to conceive, and then you will feel worse and will do your DH's head in more! All other forums and threads seem to be ok! Some even put mr off a bit, which makes waiting easier.

After 12 and a half years together I'm not surprised you're chomping at the bit! You've been a family of two forever!

Hello!
Can I join you please?

I'm also WTT (obviously) although not for as long as some of you! I don't know how you do it.

So, a bit about my situaion.
I've been with my DH for 12 years, married for 6 months and have wanted a baby for pretty much all that time. However I wanted to wait until we were married to start trying. It took a long time to DH to propose and he is the one delaying the TTC so that we can have time for the 2 of us (we only moved in together when we got married).
At the moment the agreed start date is July, meaning according to my cycles I have 3 to go.

I am literally counting the days and am really trying to take on board DH reasons for waiting, although it's really frustrating and I get rather irritated by it all.

Any ideas on how to make the time move quicker?

No I don't think so, it's a controversial opinion, but there's probably some truth in it, in at least a certain proportion of cases. If you really feel that that's the best way to help people you care about prepare for labour, particularly your DD, you're not going to let yourself be put off by the sensitivities of those who've had a bad time in labour themselves, it's a bit of a catch 22 situation. For my part, I hope you're right!

How is everyone on this beautiful sunny morning? It seems a shame to go into work. Makes me think I should change my plans and aim for a summer baby lol.

Sorry i went on holiday!

Im not remotely saying that things only go wrong with lack of preperation and i apologise if it came across that way, i know from first hand experience thats not the case, eldest i had pre eclampsia with, an episiotomy and chord was round her neck tightly. second pre eclampsia again and a tear, third no pre eclampsia but a tear im only just recently recovered from at 9 months post birth. I know that no amount of prep can fix something that isnt run of the mill normal birth, though it can help sort things out afterwards in my experience, but i genuinly dont feel scaring others (and i have some pretty impressive horror stories) will help them. I dont for a second think that as individual women we should be blamed or feel guilty for a labour not going to plan but i do feel that sometimes society has a part to play in what happens to that individual.

so possibly i have dug my hole further or maybe i have explained better but i will be back for a proper catchup later

There's almost an argument for going ahead right away so as not to be in the perverse situation of wishing away precious time with your other DC!

hi im still here
i know what you mean my dd1 is going to be 7 in a week and dd2 is 3 in 5 weeks
im getting so broody over everything lately like my grandma has a farm and one of her sheeps has rejected her lamb and i bottle feed it i went all mushy eyed over it

That sounds more hopeful bebe. How do you get rid of them tho, do you have to have them evicted or something?

I totally agree with Matumble that in a birth that goes normally then relaxation and confidence can really really help. I used to work with a girl who is pregnant with her first and is apparently really scared of labour. I would say to her; believe you can do it, trust your body, relax and go with the flow and you might well surprise yourself.
BUT....there are plenty of births where it does all go wrong, not for lack of prep or confidence, just it doesn't go to plan.
For instance, I did the hypnobirthing thing. (Well, I read the book..yes it was the Mongan one) and listened to the tape, but only once) and I would say I felt calm and prepared and all that. But DS came a month early, posterior and very fast and then proceeded to become distressed as he was badly positioned and had to be helped out by a ventouse. I suppose you could argue that he was posterior cos I didn't sit on my birth ball ever enough, or get on all fours for optimal foetal positioning but I think that goes down the route of maybe beginning to blame me, which is, I think the implication that some women read from being told you just need to relax etc. I'm not saying you are implying that, just that I can see how the pitchforks might begin to come out.
I think you prepare all you can and then you go with the flow cos, yes it's what we are designed for but some babies have other plans, like being posterior, transverse, early etc. If you've done the hypnobirthing then I think it's a fabulous help in either a normal birth or a more stressful one.

Well in fairness to the mob I reckon I'd be pretty cheesed off if I went through hours of gut wrenching agony, third degree tears, massive blood loss, emergency surgery etc and then someone said it was all my own fault for not relaxing enough/having a bad attitude!

I think the key with all of this is to worry about it if/when it happens, youre right no matter how much you plan we just cant be psychic so its probably best not to stress. on paper dd3 looked like a nightmare idea but then we fell pregnant and she is amazing!

hoping i wont attract the wrath of the mummy mob as we are a fairly little thread amongst hundreds.have been shouted at in real life for suggesting it but have converted a friend or two along the way as well! In fairness i have probably met as many mums who agree as disagree. wow i sound like im on a mission, im not honestly as long as my girls believe me when the time comes i will be happy.

we aren't quite that remote, sorry i have probably given a bad impression but we live in whitby, nearest mat unit is in scarborough an hour away across the moors and neither of us drive!

lol Matumble you're brave saying that! I've witnessed the wrath of the mom mob and it's not pretty, so if we see a load of flaming torches and pitch forks coming over the hill, I'm probably going to leg it and leave you here!

Pipoca I''ll make a note to crack on with it in the first trimester! In fact, I may get on with it now and then do something moderately painful, like getting my back broken in two places, to see how well I can cope with moderate pain, before risking childbirth!

I hope your mum's ok. I don't know about the rest of you though, but it's starting to seem like no matter when you plan ttc for, something will come along to stop you, whether it's a sick relative, work issues, problems with other DCs, money problems, etc. Even if you manage to find a window of opportunity where there's nothing going down, and you manage to get pregnant within it, no doubt there'll be something else that comes along within the next nine months which, if you'd known about it at the time, would have put you off trying!

Matumble where is it that you live again? It sounds like you're describing somewhere in the middle of the outback! I have visions of you labouring in the back of a jeep bumping along a track with some zebras grazing alongside!

What you said about the midwives reminded me of what my mum's doctor apparently said just shortly before I was delivered: "this woman's not in labour, we'll induce her in the morning." It's all very well hoping my labours will be like that - but all my friends who've recently had babies, barr one, have had a nightmare of a time, each producing a baby of monolithic proportions. My DH is 6'4" and was such a huge baby himself that he had to be deliver early by CS.

that does sound pretty nasty amanda.

No we wont be away by the end of summer but we could be away as soon as next may which fits in with ttc at the end of summer, the worry though is out of the frying pan into the fire, we are out in the middle of nowhere here, the local maternity unit has just been shut and the nearest is an hour away on horrible roads, not a journey i will be doing in labour and to be honest if i did the midwives would turn me away when i got there if i went in time to give birth.

hypnobirthing is fab and a combination of that and slightly bizarre labours has meant that i have had 2 out of 3 midwives not believe i was in labour pretty much till baby was crowning, with dd2 she could see the head before she believed me and with dd3 i had maybe 3 more contractions and she was out, my labours last maybe 5 hours but for the first 3 or 4 there are no obvious signs that im not just having very strong braxton hicks, i dont dilate, nothing seems to happen, then bang it all goes from 0 to a 100 very quickly and baby arrives added to the calm hypnobirthig approach and the midwives reactions are entertaining!

Pipoca, i have been strung up before for saying this but i really dont think you were lucky, i think your body behaved how it should, if it was the mongan method you read the bit in the front about fight or flight makes perfect sense to me, right from being little we are told labour will be the most painful day of our lives which is scary, then in the run up we get all the war stories from those who want to tell the worst story, when the time comes stress and fear are pretty high so the body goes into fight or flight taking blood from muscles and sending them to the ones needed to run, the womb is just another muscle and like any other when its blood flow is restricted it hurts, not that labour doesnt hurt at all but i really think the reason so many women have war stories is because so many women have told them war stories! Thats not to say that a birth with complications wont be hard having had pre-eclampsia twice i get that but in a normal uncomplicated birth fear can play a huge part. steps down off soapbox and hides

still waiting here but soooo broody, I do Avon and delivered to a lady just home with her 3 day old, I WANT ONE!!

hope your mums op goes well and comes round quickly, hope its nothing too serious, my dd2 starts nursery sometime between now and september, really looking froward to it, the things they come home with are amazing, my dd1 is in reception now and i love watching her and listening to the new things she is picking up!

I bought a hypno birthing book and CD but only managed to listen to it once before DS made an appearance a month early! I would def give it another go in another pregnancy.
I have to say (maybe I was just really really lucky) but I was surprised by how manageable the pain of labour was. I didn't have an epidural until the very last minute and then only cos it was a ventouse delivery (DS was badly positioned) and, yes, it hurt but just when I thought I couldn't cope with a contraction any more, the pain would begin to subside. The way I was lucky was that it was a very fast labour.

So, are we all still waiting? My broodiness has eased off a lot for now. Planning on ditching the condoms come the summer but need to wait to hear about a poss op my mum might have so that I don't end up due when she's laid up in hospital as she'll need my help then and for a bit after. Quite looking forward to enjoy a Spanish summer without atrocious MS.

Sorting out DS nursery application next week for September entry! Exciting!

Sorry to hear about your tennant stresses bebejones what's the next step?

IKWYM I saw this really nasty argument go off on AIBU once when a woman who had broken her back in two places said that she had found that experience more painful than labour, and from the reactions she got from some people you'd have thought she had murdered their first born child! The women who objected were absolutely enraged by the suggestion that anything at all could be worse than what they had been through in labour, it was quite shocking to read.

I think the homebirth policy of the particular town you live in must only be a consideration for someone like you who moves around a lot, because it's not really feasible for most people to do anything about their local health policies. Are you likely to be living somewhere else by the end of the summer then?

I will definitely look into hypnobirthing, in fact I've been thinking about taking up yoga or pilates now, even though I'm - wait for it.... eight months off!!! My mum used hypnobirthing when she had me and she swears by it. She said she was in such a deep state of relaxation the doctor thought she was too exhausted to push and wanted to get out his forceps! She had me in 7 hours and my sister in 4.

Bebe oh god how expensive awful having to involve solicitors it must be a real nightmare. Roll on next year, eh!