30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

Thanks guys, but I'm not eligible for Maternititty leave. And my boss-friend is so skint that she couldn't pay it anyway - she can't afford to heat her own home at the mo

I have been all Mystic Meg and thinking 'aha, it's a sign to use my mad writing skillz (TM Camel)' but then settled for a pathetic wail in TYF's arms about how I'll never get a job. My default setting is overblown depression - surely I'll be fine re: PND?

Me and TYF were talking over Xmas about what we'd do if he had rubbish sperm. I said, 'well, if we have to do sperm donation, it'll have to be your elder brother, as he's the better-looking one'. The way he slowly swivelled his head to look at me agog showed that I have put waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much thought into the matter already

Then he pointed out that the baybee might have the brother's personality (ie none) and it was back to the drawing board.

I would be well pissed-off if his spunk was all wrong, seeing as he's so young and is one of 55 cousins (mega-fertile family)!

Hey! Camel's Eggs! What the hell are you playing at? You better turn into a baybee this month, or so help me God, your life will not be worth living!

There, does that help?

Am OVing on CD16 (today). Droids have been shorter of late, so fear a luteal fail already. Again, the overblown depression. Was crying on bus again yesterday at fear of childlessness. Can you all pile on for a group bitchslapping?

Polly haha no, but I've made a career out of military boyfriends since I was 21! Hubba hubba - I like a man who can do rather than talk. Plus they tend to have what we call in the business "fit bods".

Hell Ski - were you in the military? You are fierce. (and a tiny bit scary!)

Oh Scorps that sucks. Lets hope you are updiffed this month and can then claim your maternity allowance when bubba arrives... that will tide you over for a bit. Maybe you need to start writing for a living - perhaps this a sign.

camel my love, there is nothing wrong with your eggs, it's your husband and his shoddy sperm. You've been torturing yourself for months about your diet/alcohol consumption/fitness - and what has he done? Has he changed his diet/underpants/exercise regime? Or is he completely oblivious to such things? I am certain that when jailbait and I started trying his diet was fucking appauling (cherry coke as only form of liquid intake anyone? ) - I broke him down over the course of a year (diet-wise) and also made him take zinc pills. The fact that I conceived at my most unhealthiest tells me that my ancient lady-eggs were fine and it was actually his head/tailless swimmers which were the issue. Now, go home and have a nice fuck. And no toilet/shower immediately afterwards - let it bake in!

Cunty is right. Nothing guarantees diffedness more than a stiff talking to - beats the pants of stiff cock!

Blimey, ski, you're terrifying! Could you order my ovaries to pay attention and produce better eggs, pliz?

Scorp Boo to job. Can you use your mad writing skillz and freelance from home?

scorps I'd offer you a job here except all the people I've interviewed in the last 5/6 weeks I have discretely advised them not to accept the roles as it's a doomed project and the leader's name is Adolf - which always makes me giggle. Anyhows... someone went over my head and hired a load of people anyway - and you remember how I've said in the past that if jailbait and I have a little mong it doesn't matter because we'd love it anyway? Well... the boys they've hired... we'd have handed the baby back.

fig that bit of stern talking to will guarantee an undiff, take it from me

scorps sorry to hear about your place of work - I'd give you a job here but a) it's a long old commute, and b) even I'm allergic to some of the shite people come out with round here with their 'run up the flagpole' this and their 'touch base' that. It causes a nasty itchy rash on one's eyeballs and teeth, so I can't risk your health in this way little lamb.

Polly That's quite an astounding display of incompetence from a phlebotomist. I'm really sorry about the ring, perhaps boo can temporarily lend you one of her princess rings if you explain the situation?

figgy Don't you dare be so bloody passive in your babymaking attempts. This is the official gafg kick up the arse for you Ms. Wildfig if that even is your real name! Don't you dare sit there for the next x months praying that one day you'll be ov'ing when he's home. When you are about to OV you can either drive in to town and demand a 10 minute quickie or you can meet up at a Travelodge halfway. I will not accept such passivity - turn it in to an illicit affair. Get his man-muck and get home to the puppy. You need his man-muck and him. 120 miles away 4 nights a week is too much. Make plans, it's only 120 miles away, not 1200 and I'm assuming it's not overseas. When I worked in Brussels a colleague of mine flew in Monday morning, flew home Tuesday night (to Gatwick) and back again Wednesday morning to visit his wife which is a darned sight more complicated than checking in to Travelodge Slough for a bit of bump 'n' grind with the puppy giving you sad eyes...

ocarina The religious have always loved a bit of bumming - apparently Italian Catholic girls are the absolute worst for it. Let 20 boys up your bum when you're 15? NO problem - just as long as your coochy-coo is as fresh as a daisy on your wedding night!

Kick 'em ALL in the cunt, Poosmell! The medical incompetence is a headfuck, the wedding ring thing is just the foetid cherry on a steaming pile of cow dung masquerading as cake Absolute arsebuckets.

I has indeed SWIed ce soir (once I'd dragged TYF away from the PS3... sigh), heartened by a visit earlier at work from a midwife friend who told me that 37 'isn't that old at all nowadays' to be TTC (she regularly deals with women up to 48!). I also got to hold her gorgeous 8-wk old son and stopped him crying. Just call me the baby whisperer (Gina Ford can fuck off)

But also got shit news that my place of work will be closing at Easter Anyone got, or know of, a job for a fabulous and swotty BESH like myself? Am secretly hoping that getting a new job or starting some kind of training will guarantee a badly-timed updiff

iggy piggy I love your little ones. Very mini.

I is a bit menkul this week. Ov'd on Sunday I reckon, following mucho shagging (but no bumsex) and bizarrely since Tuesday I more knackered than can ever remember and cannot get our of bed in the morning. Can't even blame excessive consumption of le vin rouge or late nights. Also, have unquenchable thirst for grapefruit juice. Have I lost the plot. Someone slap me hard in the chops.

Watching Turn of the Screw. Well spooky.

Fucking incompetent idiots, poosticks. And grr to wedding ring. Poor you. Vodka will help, though.

Figgy that's just cruel. Suggest you find a toyboy asap to fill you with his little babies.

Ta for snow offer, oca. If it could turn up in time for another snow day, that would rule.

Glasgow kiss to Polly, that is much yuckiness

But where will I get one of those now Cunty? Good call on the bath though... Thanks Medee.

Hugs and kicks to Polly and Fig.

Kick today to the kerb and wake up invigourated tomorrow. Get yourself a nice warm bubble bath and tuck yourself into bed with a hot water bottle and an attractive husband. That should sort things out nicely

Fig I think you have hit the nail - I do feel deranged. I am going to keep drinking until I feel numb/pass out, whichever comes first.

Just to finish me off completely, I've found out that our contents insurance doesn't cover the loss of my wedding ring, just before christmas. Can't afford to replace it - it was lovely chunky platinum band, engraved on the inside and I opted not to have an engagement ring, so I feel nekkid without it. I am off the wagon already. Fuckety fuck fuck FUCK! If I get a babyfail next week it will be the fault of my GP's for inducing breakdown and Aviva insurance for being cunts. (Obv not the lovely vodka I am currently necking)

poo that's derangingly annoying. Don't they KNOW how time sensitive these things are?! I hope you gave them a special death-stare. Here, have half my gin.

Scorp I hope your GP is a bit more on the case. But why are you here if you're oving? Go and adopt the impregnation position. Chop chop.

I feel I may have unleashed a bumsex outpouring.....

There's a lovely thought....

poo that is properly shite

OK, it helps if I refresh the page before posting - that made sense in the context it was in at the time....

Yay for Drs appt Scorps, grrrrrr at yours Polly Camel would you like some of our snow? We'd like rid of it ta. Had to travel too many miles to a training thing today that everyone apart from the organiser thought should've been cancelled - grrrrr. Unfortunately the fact that we mostly turned up to tell her this kind of proved her right - we could get there, apart from the ones from way up north.

Scorps, highly amused at the couple your Mum met, but at anyone managing to be that naive. Apparently in some conservative Christian bits of the US bumsex is all the rage among teenagers because it doesn't count and you're still a virgin

or squeamish (put that in there???)

I have never tried bumsex and never intend to. thankfully, MrM feels the same.

yay for doc appt, Scorpy.

Oh that is crap news Figgy. Have this pint of gin and a chinese burn.

Scorpy well done on the doc's appt - great news.

I am have been raging for the last 4 hours at the incompetency of my doctors.... Can I just say... FUCKING USELESS CUNTS. Not only to I have to come to terms with the fact that my twat of a doctor told me blood tests in June indicated I was ovulating (I was not). Just before christmas the FC asked me to repeat those blood tests in prep for receiving the Holy Grail in Feb (otherwise known as Clomid). So I dutifully turn up at the doc's, give the woman the form from the FC stating exactly what they want. And the dumb bloody phlebotomist (sp?) doesn't understand the forms, checks with the dumbarse GP, stabs me 4 times to get a vein. THen she only goes and sends the bloods to the FC - she was supposed to send the bloods to the lab, and send the results to the FC. Now my blood samples are floating around in the NHS internal mail system and I have to start from scratch, which will delay me getting my sticky mitts on the drugs by another month. ARGGGHHHHHHH.

As if all this infertility shit wasn't stressful enough, I now have to put up with fucking incompetents.
I know I only got on the wagon a day or two ago but I am desperate to drink myself into oblivion tonight.

Rant over... as you were slaaags. (Except Scorps of course, cos she is a virgin)

Aw, VAG that's such a sad image, being alone in your skin. Would you know, do you think, if you weren't?

I am putting my silver-plated cocktail glass (NB tankard for triple G&Ts) behind the BESH bar, as the chances of me getting diffed by the ZIta approved methods have now officially shrunk to zero. There will be no nightly gourmet sex for me, as from today, MrFig is working away during the week, leaving me 120 miles away with only a huge pile of baby congratulation cards to send to other people. Can we please restructure the Baybee Allocation system so that those who don't already have one, and who have been waiting for more than two years, go to the top of the list, pls? Reading about Sam TW is just rubbing it in, frankly.

(but then she's probably getting hourly doses of super-prime swimmers in all manner of odd positions, so not entirely surprising)