Secondary Infertility and IVF

Hi Wiggles
I have had a similar experience to you: easy first conception, healthy DS but secondary infertility, although for me it was due to scarring I suffered after giving birth.

Here's what helped me to decide what to do:

I asked the consultant his views - he gave me the usual stats (20% success rate, how your changes lower the older you are - I was 37 at the time, the risks involved etc). None of that sounded good. I was also scared about pumping a load of hormones into my body, and whether it would make me crazy.

Another thing that influenced me was thinking about, what if I successfully conceived and yet there was something wrong with the baby. I know this could happen with any pregnancy, but I think I'd feel more responsible with a pregnancy that I had 'made' happen, if that makes sense (I know you 'make' any pregnancy happen, but this felt different to me).

Not sure if you've thought about this, but I was also uncomfortable with the idea that if the lab managed to create several embryos and I didn't use them all trying to conceive, that they would still exist and eventually have to be destroyed. That felt funny to me (even though I am not an anti-abortionist or anything, and don't believe the embryo is a human being or anything, so I'm not sure why I felt that way).

These reasons are mainly medical, but the other thing I thought about was more philosophical. I kind of wanted to be able to count my blessings. I had been lucky enough to have a child, healthy and happy, with no problems. A lot of people didn't have that. And the consultant had said something to me that really hit home - I asked what he would do in my position, and he said that he felt that he had a much stronger responsibility for the children he already had than to one who didn't exist.

SO....

I decided not to go ahead with IVF. However, it wasn't a straightforward process. I did doubt myself a lot, especially when I came across people like londonlottie who did have firstly, the courage and determination to go ahead with it, and secondly, the good fortune for it to have been successful. londonlottie, I am so pleased for you that it worked out, and you're right, it isn't too bad for a lot of people, which is great. I don't know how to reconcile this with the sadder stories where it hasn't worked out. It's impossible to know which one I would have experienced. Maybe it comes down to whether you are a risk taker or not, and in this arena it felt more... what's the word?... authentic/honest/realistic (not sure i can articulate this properly)? to see the decision as already made by 'nature'.

The decision did consume a lot of my thoughts for probably two years. Like you, a lot of friends were having their second or third babies, and it was difficult. I felt broody and I felt sad, but it has got easier. I did a good job on myself of focusing on the pluses of having an only child, of which there are many, and now i actually quite often feel relieved that I only have one when i realise how much work having more is (My DS is now nearly 8, so I am a few years on). I know it's not perfect, but then is any family perfect??? We are still a family, and we have a good time together, so i am happy with my decision on the whole. The question of what might have been now feels like any other 'what might have been' question, like what if I'd taken that job instead of this, what if I'd chosen to go to a different university and so on: it's a hypothetical alternative life I could have led, but didn't choose.

Just to finish, I should say that my DH was initially quite keen to give IVF a go (let's try it once and if it doesn't work we can leave it) but he supported me decision, and was also able to be philosophical about it. He also said he didn't feel really strongly either way, so that really helped as i wasn't fighting someone else's opinions.

Sorry this is such an epic post, but I hope it helps. I also hope I don't sound smug in any way. I think whatever you decide there will be times when you wonder if it was right, but good luck with the process, and try not to let it consume you - you still have a life to lead right now, and one you can enjoy whatever the outcome of your fertility issues are.

Hi Wiggle,
Just read this and can't believe it, we are well and truely in the same boat.

I also have a 3yr old DS conceived in very first month of trying. We've been TTC#2 for just over a year now and a few weeks ago I packed DH off for a semen analysis as was getting a bit as to why things weren't happening.

Anyway, results came back awful, 9 million count but with only 3% normal morphology. We were both totally . DH has got to go back for another test in a few months time to see if there is any change as the consultant said that we couldn't rely on one test result alone.

If there is no change then we've been told ICSI is the only route available to us also and I feel exactly as you do about it. Its just one of those things that I never thought I'd have to consider (as I'm sure is the same for everyone) but when you have had one so easily, it makes it all the more harder to understand why you can't again.

We also don't know if DH's sperm have always been this way or if its something thats happened recently so its impossible to tell if we would even be in with any chance of conceiving with these levels naturally.

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage, but that does go to show that you can at least get pregnant with your DH's profile!

If you need a buddy, I'd be very happy to hold hands along this journey!

Professor Robert Winston has written a book called "The IVF Revolution". This covers all aspects of treatment including the emotional side of things. It could very well help you hence me mentioning it.

Numerous things have been tried to increase sperm count but without much success. Sperms are complicated things and there is much about them that is not understood. Was a proper medical reason established for the low count - e.g a varicocele, him having mumps as a child?. Of course you don't have to answer that but if either was teh case you have a reason as to why the count may be so low. Forms of sperms are also important, are they formed well.

How is your consultant - have you discussed your very real and understandable fears with him?. Is this person easy to talk to; it is vitally important that the three of you can work as a team particularly if you have been advised that ICSI is the only way forward now.