One-tubers TTC again....

Poor you wkdshaz the last thing you need is relationship problems on top of everything else, I really feel for you. I really hope you can work through it all & become stronger as a result. Grief is such a private thing, I can totally understand why you wanted privacy when you came home from hospital, hopefully your DP will see that soon. It is hard not to get obsessed by it all, I also have a DS who is 2 - like you say, it's important to remember how lucky we are in lots of ways. Look after yourself.

Thank you edwinak for your kind words. Time is a healer and I am trying to stay positive. I am definitely giving myself a break. My DP has moved out as he can't handle the way I am grieving. I tend to go in my shell (Typical Cancerian)!!

But he wants cuddles and loving etc. That's just not me. He had his 14 year old son staying at the time of my EP and when I came back from hospital his son was still there for two days! I explained to DP I needed privacy and space but he got offended. I think he is being very insensitive. I totally understand how he must feel as he has lost something too. However, it was me that has become pregnant twice lost both and gone through surgery.

I can't wait until I have the dye test to confirm the state of my right tube. If it is blocked then I would consider IVF. I'm trying not to get obsessed of the idea of having another baby. I already have one and I am grateful I have experienced motherhood. There are a lot of women that will never experience that so I need to snap out of this. It is hard. Time will tell. If myself and DP split for good then baby making will be out of the question completely!!

wkdshaz welcome. I'm sorry to hear what I rough time you are having. EP is just horrible. You are in good company here though, we all understand. It's natural to feel like you never want to go through all this again, I think we have all felt like that. You are doing the right thing giving yourself a break. If you are anything like me, it's hard to think straight when you are in the middle of it all. Once the dust settles and the shock has lessened you will be in a better frame of mind to think about the future. In the mean time just focus on looking after yourself and concentrate on healing. I have found that time is a great healer mentally too. I think it's hard for guys to understand exactly how it feels with any kind of MC, my advice would be to just be gentle with each other and be honest about how you are both feeling. Just take one step at a time, i'm sure it's worth getting the lap & dye done so you know what's what. Maybe postpone any other decision making about the future until you know the outcome of that? You might be in a better place to make decisions then. Take care.

Here goes.....
I am just recovering from a Ectopic pregnancy. I Also had my left tube removed.

I have a son nearly 17 & have been trying to conceive for many years with a previous partner. No luck whatsoever!

I suffered from PID a couple of times and Dr said my tubes would probs have scarring. I decided not to start trying again. My career took the lead. I met up with DP 3 years ago with no intention of having children between us due to my infertility issues. Long story short, I found out I was pregnant in march which ended in MC the day I found out at 5 weeks. We were gutted. When I found out I was in shock but happy after all these years of trying to no avail.

I went on a mission to get pregnant again and conceived in June. So delighted,and things were going smoothly until last Thurs I suffered agonising pain for an hour. DP took me to hospital where they gave me pain killers, an external examination & sent me on my merry way. The pain strangely went. I had a EPU scan the Tues. I noticed I still had a slight stitch ache on my left side. Anyway, Ectopic was diagnosed. I was shown the heartbeat which left me even more devastated.

Surgeon shown me pics of Ectopic and very lucky the tube didn't rupture. I was 6 weeks 2 days. My symptoms were minimal too!

He said my right tube "looks" healthy from the outside but need to have a dye test to see if it is blocked. I hope not!

I have been so down and just started to bleed heavily with pain & large clots. I was told the lining of my womb will shed post surgery. Gosh, don't I know it!

Me & my DP are not really connecting at the moment, he is struggling to handle my low mood. I am 34 and have decided to give myself a break. Especially if I need to check the other tube in the meantime. I sure don't want to go through this ever again.

I just need to unload my emotions and hope this site will help me??

Edwinak - not sure yet. I think we'll chat about it in September and hopefully start again after that.

I know that's sensible in our circumstances but it's still hard to wait and I keep having phantom pregnancy symptoms every month even though I know it's not possible.

Ah well, patience, patience.

Have you had any results back?

BBE glad to hear you had a good holiday and are feeling positive. I have just been through all that testing myself - good luck! Let us know how you get on.

Hope you are ok DameGladys, when are you planning to TTC again?

Excellent news!

I will indeed keep everything crossed for you.

I'm still in the no-man's land of not ttc and hating it. Hope to be back in the game soon though.

Hi All, Hope you are all ok. We've just got back from an appointment with a fertility nurse today which was the first step to diagnosing any fertility issues we may have. At the moment I'm feeling a little bit of a sensory overload but I think it will end up being a positive experience. (As long as I remember to book all my bloodtests and scans etc on the right days of my cycle).

I think our holiday has done me the world of good I have a newly refreshed attitude towards this whole experience and feel a lot more positive. So we will see. I'll keep you up to date with all my appointments-keep your fingers crossed for me

x

Hi all

It's been a weird week for me. We got the rest of the results from the fertility specialist. I tested negative for everything except NK killer cells which was a bit of a surprise. I don't know if any of you know much about it but it's really controversial in the medial world and people seem to be split 50/50. It basically hinges on the theory that if you have elevated NK cells in your blood they may attack the developing fetus & can cause recurrent MC. Everyone has these white blood cells and in any other circumstance they are really good as they fight disease. The specialist explained that they fluctuate as well. The whole thing is a bit strange as after my ERPC they told me I had low white blood cells - so I'm totally confused. I was tempted to ask for another test but at £175 a go, I need to be sure that that would be helpful. So the long & short of it is that he prescribed a cocktail of drugs to take once I get pg again but some of them have side-effects and I'm really hesitant to take anything for something that may not be a problem or even exist as a medical theory! So, I'm in a situation where we've forked out a lot of £ and have been diagnosed with something that may or may not exist and most of the medical profession are in dispute about - not good!!!! My sister is a doctor and I have talked at length with her about taking the chance of going forward without the medication but I just feel in such a difficult decision - will I blame myself if I MC again having known that I may/may not have this problem?????

The specialist said it would be fine to start trying again so DH is happy with that but of course I am now in a complete quandry about the hell to do.

Scrum great to hear from you, I think of you often too. I totally understand your fear. I just can't imagine how I am going to summon up the strength of character to face the fear, worry & sheer terror of it all! Keeping my fingers crossed for your IVF, at least that rules out the ectopic risks - one less thing to think about.

BBE Chin-up hun. Even if you take the focus of it all for a month or so & go back to it, you may feel a whole lot better for the mental break. Only you really know how you feel, it's always going to be tough after what we've all been through but if you are not feeling strong then a 'holiday' from it all sounds like what you need.

Dame Gladys Sorry to hear about your DS's probs, I hope you get them resolved easily. I found it quite a shock when DH said he was worried about TTCing too soon, not sure why but I realised that I'd been thinking it was only my decision which of course it's not .

love to all
xx

Hi Everyone

Long time no speak but I have been pretty active on the Antenatal choices board as I try and get my head around what has happened to us (with varying degrees of success depending on what day of the week it is!).

Just dropping into say hello to everyone, and love and good luck to everyone. Gosh, to try or not to try that it is the scary and hard decision. We are due to start IVF next month hopefully (have had weird bloods/things since my pregnancy ended which has been part of the reason for not posting as have been in medical limbo)but I am terrified to start trying and equally terrified to not try. But on balance we are happy with our decision to go forward although if I was a bit younger I may well have taken about 6 months out to get over things but I think if you ultimately want to have a/another child then it is pretty much at the forefront of your mind.

Love to Boodle and Appleton and special shout to Edwina - I think of you often and hope that you are doing OK on this shitty journey.

Lots of love Scrum xxx

BBE - that makes total sense. After shedding many tears about what DH said, I actually felt a sense of relief.

There is some comfort in the certainty that you're not going to be wondering/hoping/worrying/scared for parts of every month.

Would your DH be ok with just taking a break for you to be able to relax a little?

Oh I don't know, that's probably crap advice as I don't know whether I'm coming or going these days.

It's just tough isn't it?

Hi All, I'm in the opposite situation: my DH wants to carry on trying but I want to give up. I'm not saying I never want to have another child I just kinda want to shut myself off to the hurt that comes with trying. I literally feel battered and bruised emotionally from this whole process and feel like I want to protect myself a bit.

I'm not saying I want to start using contraception again but take the focus away from it all.

I'm probably going to carry on with the referral to the fertility specialist as these things seem to take so long-it would be silly to halt the process. I think I just feel totally fed up and at the point where I want to say actually forget it! Sorry to rant

Hi all.

I'm in a similar situation to you edwinak, my DH dropped the bombshell on Sunday that he diesn't want to ttc at the moment.

I was gutted but know that he's right really. Our DS has been referred left, right and centre following his 2 year check because his language seems delayed and other issues. I've got numerous appointments to go to for him and really do need to focus on him at the moment.

But it's still gutting nonethless.

Hopefully, I'll be back!

Hi all

Oh BBE you sound really down, I hope you are ok? Maybe that's the best attitude, I've heard of other people 'giving up' and then, bingo! You are right though to try & focus on enjoying your son, my DS turns 2 on weds, I really hope I don't look back on this last year of hell & am only able to remember the bad stuff.

Boodle I hope you aren't too uncomfortable. Summer seems to have vanished so at least you won't be in any danger of over-heating!!

Things are ok with me. We've got the final appt with the fertility specialist on Sat and will get the last of the test results then. I've been continuing with the counselling too, the counsellor seems to think I'm mad to want another baby before DS is 3 but I just can't help it! I as I said before I've had in my head that we'd start TTC again in Aug and was talking to DH about it the other night when he dropped the bombshell that he thought it might be too soon. [shock} This hit me like a train, I got SO upset, it made me realise (not that I didn't really know already) how desperate I am to be pg again. DH opened up & said how hard he'd found it to see me go through the latest MC and he wanted me to be 100% before we try again, I know he's right but I can't bear to keep waiting. He says it's up to me though so we'll see but finger crossed.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Hi All,

Boodleboot-I'm actually thinking about giving up I'm not sure I have the energy emotionally to carry on its been 18 months of hoping and then bitter disappointment then counting and obsessing. I'm thinking at the moment I might just try and enjoy our son otherwise he is going to grow up and I'm going to have missed it. Sorry to hear about the swollen feet but glad that everything seems to be going swimmingly. xxx

Hi all

Hope everyone's ok. Things are moving on for us, we had the chromosome results back, all normal... phew! Also had a few bloods back, also normal although a few more results to come. I had the scan & swab too, the scan was normal and will get the result from swab and the rest of the bloods in 2 weeks. The consultant also told me that I was ovulating on my left (good side) this month which means that in theory it should be the left side again when we start trying again in Aug. He also said when we meet again in 2 weeks we will discuss how we can minimise the risks for a future pregnancy, I'm kind of intrigued what that might be but it's nice to think there might be options.

BBE Glad you are feeling much better hun. Sounds like you are in a good place mentally. I've also started to feel a bit better physically these past few days too, amazing what a bit of sunshine can do for you!

Hi All, gosh you can tell the weather has been nice and we've all been out enjoying it! I'm feeling much better and a lot more positive. I've spent some time with my lovely little family and I think I'm starting to feel more of the c'est la vie attitude. What will be, will be. Thanks for the tip Edwina will defo be trying it soon!! Every little helps as they say. Hope you are all ok. xx

Hi Ladies

Hope you are all well & enjoying the long wknd.

Well, AF returned last night for the 1st time since the ERPC. The fertility consultant had told me to go in for a blood test between days 2 & 4 of this period. I got in a complete flap as they are closed on BH Monday & couldn't bear to have to wait until next month. Anyway managed to speak to someone & went in for the blood test this morning, they took 8 vials!!!! Anyway, all this means that we will have the complete results of all the tests in a couple of weeks - gulp, keep your fingers crossed ladies!

Apple Yay!! Thrilled to hear your good news & great that you got that extra time with the trainee. Hope you are feeling relaxed and well. You're right about the sunshine disappearing as soon as it arrived, feels like a distant memory now!!

BBE Hey, you're not allowed to feel bad about feeling down about here, that's exactly when you should be posting! . Getting AF is just the worst! - it's so hard not to get your hopes up each month. Sending big hug, stay strong hun, it will happen. Have you tried 'cycling'?! - slightly embarassed to share this but a great friend of mine shared this excellent tip with me & it worked a treat. Basically, straight after sex stick your legs & bum in the air & cycle!!! (she gets her DH to do it with her!) Apparently, it helps get the swimmers in the right place, she says all her friends swear by it!

Damegladys Yes, my OV pain lasts about 4 days too, I find it really uncomfortable. I also only feel it on the right. When I last fell pg I was convinced I'd OV'd on my bad (right) side as I felt so tender on that side but when I was scanned the CL was on my left ovary - weird!

Boodle I'm doing ok thank you. Still feel absolutely knackered but the MC strangely seems ages ago all of a sudden. The counsellor I'm seeing seems to think that is natural progression so I guess that's good. Just concentrating on trying to get fit and healthy for my next go - gulp! Great to hear you're doing well & now 24wks & can breathe a bit easier. The little'un will be here before you know it!!

scrum lovely to hear from you, and I have my fingers tightly crossed for you in the coming months!

edwina hope you enjoyed the sunshine while it lasted - it went as quickly as it came! I have to say I'm a right grump when I get too hot, so I kind of like the cooler weather (and having grown up in Scotland I get burnt after 10 minutes in the sun down here!)

damegladys hope the pains have gone now - it's horrible once you've had an ep that you never really trust yourself ever again. Hopefully next month will be less painful!

My scan went well on Monday - and because there was a trainee working, I got double the scan time as it was all done by the trainee first, and then by the sonographer! Which was just as well, as DH was late (luckily I learnt my lesson from last time and arranged to meet him there, rather than be late myself!).

Hope everyone is enjoying the week - not long til the bank holiday now!

BBE - so sorry to hear you've had no luck this month. It's the worst rollercoaster ride in the world and you've been doing it a long time.

I definitely don't think you should worry about bringing anyone down on here. I think that's part of what it's here for, to be able to vent where people will understand.

Edwina - thank you. I knew after yesterday's hanging around that the moment I posted on here, one of you would have had a similar experience.

The ov pain thing is weird isn't it? I've tried to read a bit about it and it does seem to get more common after you've had children. Mine often lasts 4 days or so though which doesn't seem to be so common. It can be linked to endometriosis I think. But I'm comforted by the fact that the doc I saw yesterday said that they would have noticed any endometriosis while they were doing the op. So at least I got a free check for that thrown in!

Hey guys, Sorry I haven't been around I've been on a bit of a donwe and didn't want to bring you all down as you're all so positive. Feeling a little better now but its that time of the month so v v emotional I find I have ups and downs and I think I started allowing myself to think I could get pregnant and dare I say it I hoped I would. However with hope comes crushing disappointment.

Damegladys I am exactly the same-always worrying that each pain is the EP happening all over again. I seem to get so many more pains now which doesn't help either!

Appleton hope everything went ok-thinking of you.

Scrum I'd be really interested to hear how you get on with IVF as that is something we haven't ruled out of things don't happen naturally for us. Good luck

Edwina good to hear you're having some time out-it does us all the world of good to get off the treadmill every now and then enjoy. x

Hi DameGladys. Poor you, I had exactly the same thing the first time I OVd after EP - I was in agony. I went to my EPU and got scanned, it turned out I was OVing on my bad side & had a large corpus luteum, the sonographer said she wasn't surprised I was in pain. Anyway, it subsided after a couple of days. Interesting that you mention OV pain after pregnancy, my DS is nearly 2 too and I have had significant OV pain (never had any before) since then as well - I'm not sure why but it's pretty uncomfortable and shows no sign of improving. I hope you feel reassured by the hospital visit today, not much fun but always better to get your mind put at rest.