Knock knock??? hello, may I come in? Is there room in Mermaid?s greenhouse for one more? Could I have a glass of wine please? oh is that a bottle of vodka I spy over there ? ah yes that?ll do, no don?t bother about the mixer I?ll have it neat!
Well hello lovely ladies, it?s been a long time. Sorry I left it so long but after the events that took place 8 weeks ago I?ve not been able to bear all the pregnancy talk that happens on the thread. Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts & all of your good wishes that have been passed on to me via the lovely Neeko.
I really feel as though life has given me a good kicking this year. No matter how many times I get kicked into the gutter though I?m always eventually going to come up fighting. With each m/c comes a new determination to fight back, try again & I WILL bloody have another baby.
The actual m/c happened in Scotland & it was all pretty much over within a couple of hours. It was the holiday from hell which wasn?t helped my by bil saying he believed in fate & maybe I?m just not meant to have any more children & then overhearing a conversation instigated by my sil to dh ? she was saying that sooner or later I was just going to have to give up & decide it?s not worth the heartache & just be happy with the dd I already have.
Last week we had an appointment with a consultant who was just brilliant. I couldn?t have any blood tests as I need not to have been pregnant for at least 8 weeks so I?ve got blood tests booked in for when I?m back from my hols in Italy on the 20th. He was such an amazing man, dh & I voiced fears that we?d never spoken to each other about. Dh basically thinks I?m obsessed & the consultant told him in no uncertain terms ?Your wife is not obsessed she merely knows what she wants & if you carry on doing what you are doing I think you will have a healthy baby before long?!
In a way this m/c has been the worst as I?ve lost a big chunk of me. The me that was hopeful, slightly superstitious & unsure about God has gone. I now know that just because I want something really really badly it doesn?t mean I will get it. Just because I pray hard for a miracle doesn?t mean that prayer is worth toffee & just because I live my life in a good way & am kind to others doesn?t mean that that kindness will be re-payed with the thing I desire the most. On the day of my last scan just before my appointment when they told me my baby was dead I saw an old woman with a walking frame shuffling through the hospital car park, obviously lost & confused so dh & I carried her bags & helped her go to where she needed to get to ? I thought surely now I?ve earned enough points to secure a healthy baby? Obviously I was just deceiving myself. Good things don?t happen because you want them to or because you pray for them or because you are a decent person ? they just happen, end of story. I think fate is a load of old bollocks. I thought it was fate that I got pregnant when I did the last time & that it meant something but I was clearly deluded. Now I just accept that whatever happens, happens. There is nothing I can do to change anything ? it will either work out or it wont.
4ever I?m so pleased for you ? I hope you got the email I sent although I think you were on holiday for a week when I sent it.
Cupcake you are such a lovely lady & so deserve that bfp.
Blue I heard about your scare ? what a nightmare. I hope you are managing to think calming thoughts & are looking forward to seeing babyblue a bit earlier than expected.
Neeko thank you for all of your help & support during my ?hermit weeks? you are such a life-line.
Well I see that the cd?s have been taken off of the small pants list but if anyone is interested I?m on cd17 of the first proper cycle since my last mc.
Big waves to all & sorry I?ve not been able to catch up with you all individually.