Emmsy's weebles continue to grow.. Onwards & upwards

I do like the article Cupcake There is so much more to the emotional side, but this is a fantastic start in terms of getting thoughts "out there" without scaring people off.

As for this thread - the immense value to me is that, even when I'm completely shut down, unable to post or show happiness for anyone else, completely self-absorbed, I still get help and you lot don't give up on me and just assume I'm a stroppy, unfeeling cow, but understand on some level where I am in my head and know that, even if I'm not able to name check everyone, I'm still thinking of you and checking on you every day - that is what means SO, SO MUCH to me

xxxxxxxxx

X post so just had to look at ur article cupcake.. Me & dh read it & he said its like us at the beginning Well done for sharing & getting it spot on, very poignant tonight especially.. Wish my now ex bf had been like yours.. My bf is dh now

Im really glad all this is being said, i cried when i read that you cried.. So glad we are all supporting each other together.. Nighty night lovely ladies x x x x x

Thanks, so glad you liked it.

Evening Cupcake. Lovely article and made me cry. Even if it only helps one woman, you've done a good job so well done you!
P.S. Had a wee smug smile at your online friends who talk openly - do I know them?

Wow girls, another emotional night for the Emmsys...you've all said such beautiful things, especially your heartfelt words 4ever- we all know they come from a place of pain and real hardship and let me just say again that you're amazing for getting through it all with such positivity.

All you girls who find it hard to post here, I totally admire the fact that you do (trying not to sound condescending, sorry...but I really do.) I'd be so sad if any of you left us, as the lovely hoping has done because I want to support you all to the happy ending like you've supported me.

MLS glad Italy was lovely but meh about dh hope things are better now. Btw I bought the mama mio tummy rub on your recommendation and loving it so far I'l do some investigating for you re: mid-cycle bleeds

Iggy forgot to say yesterday huge well done on raising head out of sand long enough to book the scan first hurdle here you come!

So soooo excited for buddha but feel so sorry for her having to waitwaitwait... come on baby!

barbie I'm totally clueless about stuff too childbirth could be interesting for us!! Thanks for offering the rights to your life you may recognise some scenes in the book!!

4ever pleased visit seemed to go ok and I'm sure they saw how genuine you are about it all. Hang in there lovely. I can't believe it's only a few sleeps until you're the furthest you've been

Hi Neeko hope you and dh are doing ok.

The article I wrote about my mc has gone up today by the way..if you fancy a read it's here I was a bit disappointed I couldn't properly get across the feelings behind it all but the girl who runs the project said she found it quite moving so hopefully it might raise some awareness.

Hi all.
Just wanted to say that I'm glad things are being aired on the thread today and to send a huge hug to each of the lovely MLS, Jools and Moon. It takes guts to post honestly about how rubbish you are feeling when everyone else seems upbeat and it has to be a step in the right direction. Sorry I've not been around much this week. Finding it a difficult one due to family and work commitments, but thinking of you all. Nice to see that 4ever and Blue are full of wisdom and I'm sure Mermaid will have more to add when she comes out from under the bridge.
It's awful that miscarriage taints us all so badly. I've "only" had one and know that it has f*ed with my head in a way that I could never imagine. On here is one of the few places i feel comfortable talking about being pg as I can't ever imagine feeling the joy and excitement that's supposed to come with pregnancy. I started writing the week and day of this pg on the shower screen every morning when I got my BFP and can't allow myself to stop in case I kill my baby... so it clearly drives us all nuts. we maybe don't all feel the same but we do understand each other.

Take care all.

P.S. GO Buddha and prove that it's all worth it eventually!

Blue please don't feel terrible. You are one of the kindest & most thoughtful people I've ever 'met'. You couldn't be mean if you tried.

me too, you have such powerful words 4ever

4ever you've made me cry now.

Lovely ladies

Wanted to come back on here cos was well aware poor MLS had just reached out & it was straight back to baby talk, Neeko touched the point the other day that it has been baby orientated on here lately & despite feeling like that monopoly analagy where some of us are reaching our goals before others, please dont feel that we dont understand totally cos we all started this journey together & we will finish together. I was one of the ones looking ahead with bump envy when MLS announced your last pregnancy, & I remember doing the same when Jools announced your last heartbreaking painful pregnancy way back when I first joined & we were still on the mc site, I also remember feeling guilty
when I announced my preg in jan that Barbie specifically was having messed up cycles, not knowing if she was ovulating or not. Sadly for all of us those pregnancies that were envied & made others feel sad, or 'left behind' all ended & left us back in our heartbreaking situations. I just want to say to each of you, MLS, Moon & Jools that although you feel 'left behind' we have all been at diffrent stages of our journeys together & so want to continue together, but realise how hard it is for you sometimes, cos lovely ladies, my memories are still fresh too y'know, & so are most of ours...

Jools you touched several points that were so poignant to me, in fact so did MLS & Moon - specifically the miscarriage re runs. Today I had my occ health & HR woman come for a home visit as signed off for so long. Iv been quite upset that I have to 'validate' my absence & have spent the last few weeks waking up in the middle of the night going through the conversations in my head that I want to have with them to 'make' them understand. I woke at 3.30am this morning & didnt go back to sleep til 7am. Its got to the point of obsession where I have re-lived each step of each pregnancy and miscarriage in every minute detail, over & over & over, getting angry & wanting to shout at them to make them realise what a traumatic horrible awful thing it is & why despite embracing the fact next week Ill be further along than Iv ever been, Im a bloody nervous wreck, scared shitless of things going wrong, scared to hope, scared to enjoy & embrace & how the hell do you make people that have never suffered this hellish ordeal understand that? Iv also cut off friends in the last 2 years, we have become reclusive wanting to shut out the rest of the world, struggling for enthusiasm for lifes simple pleasures even. Irritable & so very angry, proper dangerous & embarassing road rage incidents . I think I did manage to explain this to my work people, amongst the tears, as I relived it all again. I also echo, that despite watching my brother be ravaged by cancer & die 12 yrs ago this fri, despite watching my mum battle & survive breast cancer & a pulmonary embolism, despite losing my dad suddenly & unexpectedly to heart failure just over 3 yrs ago, these last 2 years of my life, losing our babies, have been the hardest & worst thing I have ever been through. I summed it up by saying its the literal physical & emotional pain that consumes like nothing else. I just really want to say to you lovely ladies that you are so not alone in your thoughts. I text mermaid today along these lines when she asked how my work vist went. Its amazing how raw it all still is. Im embracing as hard as I possibly can that there is a new life growing inside me & I pray every minute of every day that this ones gonna be different, I feel guilty when I dont have faith that it will be.. But, the pain will always remain, so please know for all the 'baby talk' we are all masking our painful memories & although you may sometimes feel unable to post & heartbroken, you most definately are not alone. Love you all lots & just remember, you've all got pregnant before, and it IS going to happen again... xxxxxxxxxx

Moon - I'm right with you too - have had other stuff going on aswell and only went looking for help last week when I realised:

1 - Last year's bad MC was re-running in my head over and over again like a video I can't turn off - can't be normal

2 - I was on the verge of tears ALL the time

3 - I kept having horrible flashbacks to really bad, embarrassing OLD memories that I thought were long dead and buried - wetting myself at school, being bullied etc.

4 - I was getting really irritable and angry

5 - At its worst (not every day), I was having trouble getting out of bed, struggling to get the motivation to complete basic tasks like putting on a load of washing and doing absolutely nothing at work - no concentration. I couldn't settle to read a book or watch TV - was just aimlessly surfing for hours on end.

6 - I realised I was turning down invitations to go out - just didn't want to socialise or answer the phone. I've been losing friends who think I just can't be bothered, and becoming a bit of a recluse apart from gym and work. I couldn't even bring myself to post here or on other sites I belong to - was just lurking.

7 - I googled clinical depression and diagnosed myself. Suddenly I don't feel selfish and lazy any more because I know what is wrong with me - that in itself is making me feel better already.

I'm not saying you are the same Moon, but perhaps it is also time for you to ask for some help to get over this ?

Thank you Moon.

mls i'm joining hands with you. i can really identify with your monopoly analagy (sp?), life can be so cruel sometimes, and just when you think you are getting through it, something else comes crashing down around you. i can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life, and have also had other things going on apart from my mcs i find that i can't post like i used to, it just takes too much effort, and i know how bad that sounds to everyone, but its hard to know what to put when you want so badly what everyone else has, so sometimes its easier to say nothing at all. i dont really know if i had a point in all of this, i think it was only to say you are not alone xx

barbie you are not stupid, that's what I thought too, so when I had ds1 I thought he would be born on the day I went in, but no, he had other ideas. Some women do give birth quite quickly after induction starts though, it just depends on the woman I suppose

ouch my legs are aching from all the pacing....and yep the stale smell of cabbage is turning my stomach too

How is everyone this evening??? Im just waiting to hear from mil as its her second full day in court, they think its going to go until at least day four its splashed all over the local papers, poor women.....

Im shattered, waiting for dh to come home but just been told it wont be til about 11pm, poor guy left at 6am this morning and will be doing this for the next two days....he is working soooo hard to get some overtime money so we can go out and buy the nursery stuff this weekend, I feel so bad for him cos he is going to be pooped, but he insists he doesnt mind as its for the baby...awww heart melt moment, can you tell i heart my hubby!

How stupid am i? i thought if you were induced it started labour straight away i really have no idea about this whole child birth thing!

I did tell her exactly that in blues own words that we are all pacing, sending our love & willing buddha baby makes an appearance soon! I told her to keep her strength up & eat & sleep while she can! Ill be back for proper post later to say hi to u all & fill u in on my day!

v exciting about Buddha

MLS I have come to conclusion that 2009 wasn't a good year. I think this thread can be v. hard if you going comando. Everyone is always here tho - whihc is what makes it so lovely. xx

and why does hospital tea always taste of cabbage?

oh no poor buddha. Thanks for the update 4ever, if you can tell her we are all here 'pacing' as blue put it, waiting for news

Quick post, just heard from buddha no news yet, baby too comfy in its warm home of the last 9months at the moment! She had 1 pessary at 10am, will have another at 4pm & another tonight if still nothing, but then will have to consider options as her waters broke 62hrs ago Poor lovely still not even havin contractions!

Yes lots of pacing here
blue my induction with ds1 took 4 days , hopefully it won't take that long for buddha