Life after IVF - donor eggs, fostering, adoption or child free?

My dh and I were ttc for a very long time. I've got pregnant in 2009 and we thought that finally our prayers were heard. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. We've lost our son and it was shocking for whole our family. I couldn’t get back to life for a long time. I’m glad I have my dh. He gave me support I needed the most. We wanted to have kids so much, it was our only dream. Living childless life wasn't a variant for us. We were thinking about adoption at first. But we wanted our child to be genetically related to our family. Still I had some doubts. My dh looked at this procedure positively. It would be his child anyway. I thought I would be just some woman, who will carry a baby. I have a fear, that everyone will notice it's not mine. I thought it will be obvious and people will talk about it... Also I watched a tv show about de ivf. Some children started to look for women, who shared eggs with these kids' mothers. That was so sad. Those mothers didn't deserve such attitude. They made everything possible their children to have all they need and even more. And here is gratitude. But as this procedure was our only solution of our problem, I made a decision to do it. I should say de ivf is a very good option. I had this procedure in 2014. I've got pregnant from first attempt. We were on seventh heaven! Our girls were born in May 2015. We've just celebrated their first birthday. We used Ukrainian clinic BioTexCom. We are happy parents now! I have no regrets. As soon as I knew I'm pregnant all doubts were wiped out. We decided not to tell our daughters we used donor eggs. I think children' mind is not ready for such info. This fact will change nothing for them. The most important is to give them love and care. I consider myself as their only mother. This is everything they need to know.

And I would echo beemail too! And I agree that all the IVF stuff fades. I can't remember all the gorey details and I so agree that it now seems like a bit of a gamble with very bad odds. However, it clearly works for many so it is a personal choice and one which many (including me maybe) have to make as part of the journey.

Hi!

Just to echo a lot of what Kewcumber says really.

I had loads of Clomid etc. then three rounds of IVF which we did privately because the NHS wait seemed to long. All three cycles were a spectacular failure - at the last time one of the drs did a double take at the amount of drugs I was taking and said that anyone else should be exploding with eggs instead of a miserable three!

So - for reasons which i can't really fathom - donor stuff just didnt seem right and we went on to adopt. And I suppose I just wanted to let people know that adopting more than one at a time - we adopted two (hey in for a penny etc - we were approved for three!) - and adopting 'older' children - they were three and a half and six and half - AND adopting apparently two 'difficult to place' children from UK social services doesn't mean it can't work. My DCs are fantastic, wonderful, funny, charming, interesting, challenging and annoying like everyone elses kids and utterly, utterly mine. And I know that they feel the same. It has been the best thing I ever did - and in this respect I am sure I feel no different from people who have children in all the other ways possible for us.

Yes, like Kewcumber I grieved for the loss of the birth child I never had but I can honestly say that I could not possibly love my kids any more than I do and I never ever feel like I have missed out. I have just taken a different journey that's all. And like kewcumber, it has been a journey that I am so glad I had.

And when I say that my DS is absolutely drop dead gorgeous (even at fourteen he is still not really clued in on this as girls eye him up which is just as well really!) I can feel slightly less ashamed that I might appear sooo smug or showing off as it isn't my genes he has to thank for this! I am really paying his birth parents a compliment you see!

Oddly the birth family does not figure much - as they are the same 'ethnicity' as me I maybe haven't been as good as I should be (as you are Kewcumber) at keeping them in people's consciousness. The past (especially since my oldest can remember lots) is discussed from time to time but we are far too busy being happy with each other at the moment. It is far less of an issue than I thought it would be. Honestly!

So - sorry to hijack this a bit - maybe should post on the 'adoption' threads. But adoption is not the last option and therefore the least desirable - believe me!

I hope that you reach the right road for you to travel - good luck!

I'm also someone who has experienced IVF although a few years ago now and think it's significant that I now struggle to recall all the detail which would no doubt have tripped off my tongue at the time (FSH levels etc etc!}
We are a mixed race couple and didn't receive a very warm welcome when enquiring aboiut adopting in this country and so went abroad. Now have 2 gorgeous teenage girls adopted when fairly young from India.
They are very much our daughters and we their parents, can't imagine now what it might have been like to have birth children.
After IVF realised that what was really important to us was being parents not necessarily giving birth. Now only regret is that we didn't do it sooner because fertility treatment now seems like the worst form of gambling!
We are unbelievably happy with our decision - not a day goes by now when I don't think about how lucky we are. It's parenting with a different dimension but most days I guess we just feel like any other family - same worries,similar priorities etc
Couldn't imagine loving them any more than we do. Feel very much for their birth mothers who made all of this possible though.

Kewcumber now you made me cry... He is one gorgeous little boy We have the blessing of one little girl after a very long and windy road. Unfortunately, whilst I got pregnant after nearly every IVF I was very unlucky in that we had an ectopic pregnancy, a hetri ectopic (which gave us my DD) and then finally a cervical pregnancy which really caused major health problems. No chance of another biological child. We have been foster parents for the last two years and have had five little ones in our care. It does not change how I feel about the loss of 'my' babies but it does plug a maternal gap.

bumpless presumably if you use a surrogate you adopt th ebaby yourself subsequently. Then you get a new birht certificate issued which refers to the adoption but the short version doesn't mention anything - just your legal parents (which would then be you and your DH).

So not necessary to have a "constant reminder".

And anyway - how often do you look at your birth certificate!

Bumpless I haven't had any medical advice on surrogacy - wondering what advice they would be able to give? Our embryos are fine, its me with a non-sticking-factor that is the problem. We're giving it one more go, but we'll still have three frozen embies left... so surrogate could get those.

Me, personally I'm not really the jealous type, but I have to admit it would be strange. I wouldn't mind missing the preggers stuff (if a baby could come by stork that would be fine by me) but it would feel odd not to be listed as the Mother on the birth certificate - even though genetically I would be. The birth cert would then be a constant reminder to the child... that's my only reservation at this point. OH, and of course how the surrogate would feel, think, be inconvenienced, emotionally drained, etc.

Bumpless, where did you read the articles? We're going to Cyprus and our donor was gorgeous, DH was very suspicious but I just had to trust in the clinic as I'm so desperate for a baby. But would be interested to know more. I did read one in the Observer a while back which didn't really say anything or have any facts. Apart from the risk of dying of OHSS which isn't very high.

You could go to America and pay alot more but get a huge amount of info on your donor.

Re stress of travel - we had IVF in Istanbul and I found it far less stressful than treatment in the UK. Only one lot of travel to organise rather than frequent trips into clinic, one lot of time off work for me and DH etc We treated it as a holiday and had a lovely time, rather bizarrely.

hi all, thanks for sharing all your stories ladies, its helpful to hear of your concerns opinions etc. As we have only just been "hit" with the ivf news we haven't yet discussed any details with consultant or even been referred to fertility clinic yet. I'm completely in the dark about so many things, on a financial point can I ask anyone what is the average cost of ivf with donor eggs? I've done a bit of reading on the net but have really ended up confused and going round in circles. Thanks x

ooh crikey that was a bit longer than I'd intended!

"You mentioned still grieving for your infertility, although you?d never give your DS up ? I?d really like to hear more about how you manage to fit both those thoughts in your head, as I?m sure I?d end up somewhere similar."

Initially I didn;t think about it much (too painful) threw myself into the adoption 200% which co-incidentally meant I was well prepared!

Once the initial manic phase wore off I found newspaper reports of improvements to IVF very painful, pregnant women very painful. I thought a lot about whether I should try again with newer technology etc. I read 100's of blogs of adoption journeys and cried all teh way through them!

Afetr that and when the adoption was imminent, the excitement when I was actually given a region to go to in Kazakhstan and was just waiting for my visa, then the excitement was just so absorbing that I just didn't have the energy to still think about an event which was no longer relevant to me.

After ds came home and my circle of friends expanded to include motherws of simialr aged childrne, I did find the regular discussions of labour stories sad that I couldn;t join in. Then when DS was around 2 ish that all seemed to stop - it seemed to become a bit irrelevant to everyone! I don't mean it wasn't an important part of their own story just that people didn;t seem to want to talk about it much.

Now I have reached a place where I accept the sadness that I couldn't ever conceive but it isn't sharp or even very present. I think just time helped and the fact that DS is everything I could have wanted in any child.

There is an adoption fable which is a bit long but (to try to shorten it) it equates becoming a parent with travlling to Australia. Most people turn up at the travel agent book their flight and bugger off - arrive 24 hours later and have their holiday and come home.

We, however, turn up at the travel agent to be told there is no space on the plane but there is a boat leaving next week and it will take two months to get there. Its a rough journey with many ups and downs and your firends may have been on several holidays in the time it takes us to get there.

But when we arrive the place is the same that they all visited and we appreciate it all the more because of the difficulties in getting there. And the friendships of the people we met on the journey make it seem like we were the honoured ones.

It sounds a bot twee but I truly feel that the difficulties I have had and the amazing people I have met, fellow adopters and the fantastic women who cared for my DS before me, have all added to making me a much nicer person than I was before and a more empathetic mother to DS.

My life now is just as is it (if that makes sense) - I feel 100% DS's mummy (even whilst acknowledging the presence and importance of his birth mother), its a part of who I am now. The lingering (and slight) sadness I feel at not ever being pregnant is really a separate issue and I don't feel impinges on my relationship with DS.

The feeling of being so closely bonded with a child that you didn't give birth to is so miraculous that it truly does compenate for anything I missed out on.

a friedn of mine recently travelled to Madrid to have IVF with donor eggs - I can ask her how she found it. I do know she got pregnant first time though.

KC - he's gorgeous. Your montage made me cry - mo mean feat.... I wanted to lift him out of the computer and give him a cuddle. And all the way from kazakhstan, what a journey. Coincidentally we decided yesterday to call our recently lost baby Daniel which is helping me no end.

Kewcumber your boy is indeed lovely. I have had my own dcs but always felt inside me that I could give so much love to another non genetic baby. It will not be so since my dh says no but I so understand the maternal urge. Good luck ladies.

No, you didin't kill the thread KC! I just have nothing really to say about it all, it's so bloody depressing.

Also personally no need for me to consider surrogacy as my womb can hold a baby ok I'm just too old to produce the eggs. Haven't really thought about it but it must be somewhere in between adoption and egg donation int erms of getting used to the idea.

I do actually think that once you hold your baby it doesn't matter too much where it came from though..... but maybe that's a bit trite. Don't know... sigh

I feel like I killed the thread now! Please feel free to discuss surrogacy etc - don;t think you have to consider adoption just becasue I did!

Like sooty I'm nearing the end of the IVF road too. Has anyone considered surrogacy? We've had a couple of women volunteer for us, but never took it seriously - now I'm beginning to think about it.

kewcumber what an inspiring story. He's gorgeous, thank you for your post and good luck on your journey x

I'm not sure if its helpful but I'm a post-unsuccessful-IVF'er who went on to adopt my beautiful DS (see profile for just how beautiful!)

I had clomid, injectibles then three rounds of IVF with low FSH (about 5) but had a differnt problme each time. First attempt haemoraged massively half way into the two week wait and had to move to injectable Progesterone (ouch) for subsequent attempts, second attempt developed OHSS and had 34 follicles over 2cms (didn;t bother counting the ones under 2cm!) after coasting for 3 days - collected ONE egg! Third attempt went OK but only 4 viable eggs.... and sperm died in vitro without fertilising the eggs.

I knew I couldn't just keep going indefintely - money alone would give out and I knew I didn't want to use donor eggs (just my feeling at the time) so knew I would have to adopt overseas as I wanted a younger child than I would get in the UK.

All went well in the end (though slowly) and I look back now with a sense of relief that its all over for me - all the worries about whther I coulod get pregnant all the concerns about not being able to bond with an adopted child etc all seems a distant memory now.

How to decide whether to be childless or to use donor eggs or adopt? I thought about what I wanted my life to be like in 10 years and decided that I really REALLY wanted a family, I wanted to nurture and teach and be a part of a childs life and be important to them. It was less important to me whether they were genetically related.

I grieved terribly for my infertility and adoption didn't "cure" that, however my lovely boy does make it seems like a less important trauma than it was at the time. I'm also slightly horrified now that if I had got pregnant that I wouldn't have DS which just wouldn't do at all!

Good luck with your decision-making - if it helps you make your decision this is a montage of the first 2 yrs with DS www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=6e3cbecfaa2fc0543284d3&skin_id=601&utm_source=otm&utm_me dium=text_url

hi peanuthead, so sorry for your loss, I really can't imagine how terrible that must be, and all the more so after everything you have been through.
Interesting - the epigenetics thing. Food for thought. I can identify with what you said about about "setting mysielf up for futrue issues by not dealing with it too much now" thats me-I'm a bit of an ostrich! I'm currently on cycle 4 clomid, so desperatley trying to believe THIS could be the one but not quite believing it.