Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

You even know the correct hole! You will most likely avoid months of pointless pillow biting and get updiffed straight away.

Ski I don't own any cats - I kill my house plants, so clearly can't be trusted with real moving animals.

Sucker for dogs though.

Talking of, the sperm-donar has just got his pension. And a pair of reading glasses, bought, I think, from a newsagent's (think he thinks he's Michael Caine off Alfie, or summat).

Thank you, however, for commending my good use of alcohol. I (we) have already drunk much of that bought at 7pm today. Still, at least I'm home. Now there's a healthy development from my younger days as a Pixie.

Ponymum my cocktail of choice... hmmm... aside from Mr Deal's, a Kir Royale.

I have little clue what a Lutal Phase is. Something to do with the moon perhaps?

Correct hole is my cunty cunt. Right, do I win a baybee?

kimdeal
What is your poison alcoholic cocktail of choice?
Do you know what a luteal phase is?
Is the correct hole (a) Fifi Fufu, (b) Mr Hanky's House, (c) other?
Are you prepared to say Cunty Cunt cunt?

kimdeal Yes, how many cats do you have and what's your cervix like? Is your sperm-donor sitting his GCSEs next summer or will he be in receipt of his pension?

20s? that's a given - although strictly speaking alcohol is a preservative so well done for keeping an eye on your eggs.

oooh, really? I'm in? I love you all even more now (especially you Scorps; am honoured to have your first born named after me).

So, I am just back from food shopping (in my Breeders limo etc): wine, flat leaf parsley and wine. And a box of chocolates (is a gift, OK).

I don't think I'm taking any of this seriously enough.

Secret crush of shame: a few too many (may be lesbo) ...that woman off Transvision Vamp, for starters. Walls: cream goddamit. Are there some other questions? Vaginal discharge and the like. Spent 20s living off coffee, cigarettes and vodka. Think ovaries are stewed.

Right, here comes my man, must go.

Aaaaaagghhhhhh I am sooooo fist-eatingly bored and have nothing of interest to say - 'cept I have been told a few times (by nurses) that I have a very nice cervix This clearly does me no favours in the TTC department though - it's just that I've had a few glasses of airport wine and, erm, it seemed like a suitable thing to mention, and, ermm

I do have a tilted cervix.

I don't have a period.

Neither do I have time to catch up on today's musings - sorry!

Oh go on then, I'll have a quick one before the parents get here [pours double vodka. straight and downs] Cheers girls, I may return at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning.

Evening all . I had enough of that lark so went to the stables instead - madame had an enormous dose of hormones but I stood in front of her, hands on hips and had a "chat". She backed down, even though she is 700kg+ - therefore slightly fatter than me.

Biting the pillow indeed - for the love of God - we're in our 30s - get it right! Although this probably does go a long way to explaining how we're all so brilliant yet barren.

Welcome Kimdeal. Wildfig I'm taking this lark very seriously I'llhaveyouknow. But I do somewhat share your fears - especially as I outed myself a few threads back, although thankfully not being in the UK I can stick two fingers up. As for your barreness - it ain't over 'til it's over.

VAG, you've let the side down, and more importantly, you've let yourself down. You are hereby banned from all alcohol until you have thoroughly researched Kim Deal

Oh yes, how rude of me, welcome kimdeal! I'm not cool enough to know why everyone's going nuts about your name but I will quietly go off and google it and curse my unusual taste in music.

Have great weekends all, and safe flight longwee!

And can I have some sort of braincleanser to remove the thought of vaginal salmonella please? and any childbirth-related tales.

Oooooh Kimdeal! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! Kimdeal (one name) is the joky moniker for our future girl - TYF (my barely legal boyf) joked that if we have a son he wants to call him Dawkins after Richard Dawkins, his hero, to which I retorted that a future daughter therefore has to be called Kimdeal. Tell me, Kim, is your fella Gigantic? Do you have a big, big love for him Does it make me a Pixies-obsessed loon if I've told TYF that our future kids will be taught that the answer to the question 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' is 'I want to grow up to be, be a Debaser'???

*Longwee& - I am a saddo who never does owt on a Friday night (or any other night, come to think of it ), so I'll be here. Please take extra-special care of my girl twins (you got them for me, right?).

ideal - I have to WASH me flange as well as everything else? Getting it in the right hole, not biting the pillow and now this? FFS!

Figsy - are you a famous/semi-famous journo, then? I wanna know (I won't tell, honest) - please message me? Please? Oh and welcome back, yay!

Pony - Shall we temp-fail together? I read that book before we started TTC, and I was all blasé: 'yeah, ewcm, yeah, know all about that' and sent it back to the library. Think I'm going to get it out again and reread it. Was a bit at suggestion that women who don't have any/much FFJ can use actual egg white. "Congratulations - you have a baby AND vaginal Salmonella!" BTW again and at your mum's tactlessness. Couldn't your sister give you a couple? Sheesh, siblings are sooooo selfish!

Well, I was so overcome with SQUEE feelings when I had to walk through the children's clothes and shoes dept. in John Lewis to use the loo earlier, that I forgot to wipe the seat before I sat down! Luckily it was bone dry, but am worried I might have to hand back my Middle Class membership card...

Bof!

Mexican wave to greet fig back from the wilderness...one, two, threeeeee! We missed you! Glad you are lurking a bit. How's the new house? I suspect we could all do with TCC down-time, it sounds most healthy.

I'm also "glad" to hear about the effect TCC is having on our relationships, as I can't seem to stop being horrid to TSF at the moment and I hate myself for it. It is nice to know this is a totally normal part of the TCC headfuck.

said

Well, have some sympathy for DH. I am amazed he can find the right hole at all if it is apparently so twisted, wonky and old.

Wish my GP saif "Bof!". Mine is beautiful, young, skinny, has a wardrobe I would kill for... and has a photo of two cute grinning kiddies on her bookshelf.

Pony TCOYF makes me want to bite my own head off.

The GP used clever words re: womb tiltyness, but I have no idea what she meant. It's just to make gravity help the sperm get where it needs to be. If you're biting the pillow, btw, you're probably heading for the wrong hole, which could explain everything.

Oh, and when I told lovely GP that I was depressed about babyfail (lower lip wobbling like a mad person and everything) she literally said "Bof," (for she is French) "why do women always assume that they have the problem? Often it is the man's fault." This made me happy.

Waves frantically at figgle! Helloooo!

Fuck the Daily Mail and all it represents. I think the whole debate has messed with the boards. Whenever I see "benefit" in a headline at the moment I assume it's a lazy hack trolling for outrage.

But in all seriousness, it sounds like you've reached a moment of calm. I'm quite envious - I'm made of counselling and tearful meltdowns at the moment, and looking forward to the bit when I get beyond that to some peace.

Off for glamorous cocktails now with a very glamorous friend who has NO SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER for the baby-desire. This will either be brilliant or end in tears.

Questions:

• Tilted which way though?
• Pillow where? So I'm not biting it then? So confused.
• Is my lack-of-up-diffedness due to dirty parts? Or is this another way to shame blame wimmin for everything?
• wildfig are you drinking real ale and growing a beard?

Answers:

• Big clever book him here.

Afternoon, lushes!

I haven't deserted the palace, honest - just haven't had time to pop in quite so much now my baby substitute (new puppy!) is taking up all my waking hours. Honestly, is as good if not better than a sprog: he only poos three times a day and does it where i tell him, he sleeps a lot, doesn't cry and has enormous big paws that he puts on my face. Aw. Puppy snoring away next to me.

I also feel a bit of a TTC fraud next to all your heroic efforts, since DH and I have more or less given up, and I've let my Fertility Friend membership lapse. 18 months is long enough to fail at anything, I reckon. The Thermometer of Doom is now gathering dust in my packing cases, along with my unused OV sticks and folic acid. Feel loads better though. It was taking the most horrible toll not just on our relationship but on my mental health, all that 'amIamIamIamI?' and then 'ohnoooooooimabarrencowanditsmyfaultforhavingacareerandsneeringatMiniBodencatalogues' every month. Alas, I don't have a teen stud muffin ever ready to service me at the key moments, just my longterm slightly older man, and the pressure was getting to him too. Despite me doing all manner of tests, he still hasn't collected his spunk-in-a-cup kit from the surgery; the more I nudge him the more he convinces himself it's his fault we're not knee-deep in nappies, and I just can't do that 'neither of us feels like getting it on, but we have to' sex. So I thought it was best if we stopped trying, and let nature take its course. If nature wants us to be affluent barrens, then so be it. [eyes up white sofa and Alfa Romeo Spider]

ALSO - and I hope you're reading this, Mumsnet moderators - I was very spooked by the sudden cut'n'paste bits of Mumsnet appearing in the Daily Heil, and the potential 'collaborations'. I don't work for the Heil, but I am in that line of employ, and am probably quite easily identifiable to anyone who knows me, from what I've already posted. TCC is such an emotional headfuck, and being able to be open and honest with a barfull of strangermates is lovely and the sole heart-warming thing about it - but not if you're constantly on edge that select chunks of your experience might appear in an 'OMG I Left It Too Late!' hatchet job. Given that we're all over 30, articulate and not taking it too seriously, I got cold sweats thinking about what an easy feature it would be for some lazy hack and it would probably finish DH off to see our tribulations in print. I know it's a public board and all, and that there are warnings everywhere about how what you write is property of MN but still...

So, in short, I'm feeling a bit ambivalent: I'm still tormented that I might never hold my own baby in my arms. And I haven't been able to stop snapping at my mum and sister when they do their, 'ooh, new house... you never know!' routine. (Know WHAT, fgs? I'm shattered. DH is shattered. We talk mainly about our dogs' bowel movements and whether the windows need replacing. None of those things is conducive to rampant sex, which I understand is a contributory factor to pregnancy.) But, on the other hand, I'm clearly not fussed enough to start spiking DH's food with rohypnol and Chinese potency herbs.

So, no further on then... Will retire to the back of the palace near the fire, with a steak and ale pie.

Are you really the Kim Deal? But your band is called The Breeders. Isn't that a bit inaccurate, given your desperate stumble into this palace of last chance-laden doom?

I hope you are swallowing the folic acid with a Bloody Mary.

cheers ponymum I too have been subjected to the very same special long (for awkward to reach places) special implements from the back of the cupboard, and my nurse said its quite common apparently to have a 'tilted' cervix. Obviously the smug cow was lying to make me feel better. She must have seen the look of pure terror on my face.
longwait can you smuggle a tiny one out for me purleeease? I'm out on the tiles tonight, which is totally unacceptable as I'm awaiting RTD2 next week, but what the hell, if I get totally pissed I should get up-diffed right?
Serious TTC question alert is there a decent book i can read about all this malarkey?
I'm now off to face my up-diffed neighbour. I might suggest she moves house, to a nicer neighbourhood with better schools

Re: cervix. I am on close, personal and intimate terms with mine, these days.

Oh and new advice from my lovely GP, who has commissioned all sorts of tests for me:

alternate between putting a pillow under your arse and under your tummy after sex (on different occasions, not turning yourself into a bizarre spinning top) as people have differently-tilted wombs.

if you know you're going to have sex, wash your bits; makes it close to ph neutral which is better for sperm survival.

kimdeal You can totally join! You're one of my favourite bassists.

Plus - drinking heavily is the only rational response to the discovery that you're not pregnant.

Somewhere there's a list of qs you're supposed to answer - colour of walls, number of cats, secret lesbian crush, crush of shame and I think there are a few others...

Grrls: you are gorgeous. Me: I am ancient, not entirely sure about baybees (in denial?), but have been off pill for a few (OK five) months. Completely convinced self was pg last month ? I mean, I had ALL the symptoms, and I swear I wasn?t pinching my boobs. Have been drinking heavily ever since discovery that any idea of pg was all completely delusional. Still, am taking my folic acid.
Can I join, or sd I kick myself out?

right beshes, have lovely weekends all. I'm off to stay with a friend in Cheltenham. Sees ya all Monday.

I am proud to say I would not recognise my cervix if it introduced me to itself in Waitrose.