Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

Gals, I have a weird question for yehs: I can't ovulate at the end of my period... can I? It's the tag end of R2D2 - bit of rustiness 'n' all that jazz. All day I've been really horny and energetic and moist in me undercarriage, instead of dry as per usual at this stage. Just went to loo and FJ is v stretchy and albumen-tastic (albeit streaked with a bit of blood). Trouble is, was about to go to bed and have just weed, so can't really do an OV test. I first got the babyfail sign last Sunday, so it'd only be D7.

Aaaaargh, I'm now having 4WOOFL, not 2WOOFL!

Will molest TYF tomorrow 'just in case'.

Ponymum Yes, I wasn't aware of the rule that parents must have a combined IQ of at least 250. So what if she's a bit dim and can't write? There must be worse crimes! E.g., putting your wheelie bin out a day early type stuff.

As for the eventing end of october is end of season here so it's all over until March. I was thinking of paying the fees early january. So I won't actually be out of pocket until I start buying showing jackets which I'll never fit in to again...

Was chatting about this at the stables today - they just don't do x-c or jumping here so I really think it is to do with the hunting in the UK - you know, even the pony clubs are affiliated with a hunt.

But - if I need to spend money on something non-retractable - how about a set of non-refundable tickets to Reno for skiing in March and a pair of custom-fit ski boots. I'm told your feet may well change size during pregnancy never to return to what they were before. This will only work for the next couple of months though because after that I'll be "safe" to ski (i.e., not 8 months pregnant!) So the eventing is the spring 2010 plan. Maybe a trip to NY for the autumn? Although that's not really long-haul - I've always fancied cycling across the Atlas mountains in october... Cosmosis has probably seen those trips on I think it's called "skidaddle" or something like that.

Scorpette I've heard similar tales, it's all too sad.

ski From what I heard it sounds like social services should leave her alone. But then, I refuse to read the actual article as that so called "newspaper" doesn't exist.

scorp I cannot believe the 'sleeping together' couples! The thing is though, if these imbeciles are included in the statistics that say 'on average it takes couples x length of time to conceive', then surely the odds are more in our favour! (It is disgusting though. Wish I could go back to just having bumsex instead.)

PS Thanks for the tips Pony

Which paper? TYF is STILL bogarting the main edition of the Grauniad. Sounds like I need to put on my luxury judgeypants for that read...

BTW, my Mum, now retired, was a counsellor. She said that on TWO separate occasions, she has talked to young born-again Christian couples who were upset about not conceiving (it was putting strain on their relationship, etc.). Both times, she said the reason was that the only sex advice they had been given was to 'sleep together'. And that's what they were doing - just kipping in the same bed. No nookie; they really thought that just lying in bed with a member of the opposite sex was enough to get you updiffed !!! Anyway, one couple now have 3 or 4 kids, but the others split up because when the husband found out what he would have to do, he couldn't face such 'disgustingness'.

Trapped in the closet, much?

Off to gym now, safe in the knowledge that there's no baybee to 'knock loose'

scorpy Not only should you go on a crazy, pg-non-compatible diet, you should also book a holiday in about June next year (paid fully in advance, non-refundable, naturellement). Said holiday must involve long haul flights and consist of compulsory adventure sports every day. Skydiving, bungee jumping, swimming with sharks, etc. You should also enrol in a master of wine course which requires tasting of hundreds of wines over the next 6 months, and attendance at French gourmet wine tasting dinners with compulsory brie, foie gras, and raw eggs on the menu.

And please note ski, this method doesn't work if you think there is an easy get-out point. You can't just pay the affiliation fees and then, wow! POAS magic occurs. You have to commit yourself to a major endeavour that it would be really difficult to extract yourself from, but which is entirely incompatible with being updiffed.

ponymum Well thankfully it won't be thousands... unless I upgrade my car + buy a trailer... The only thing I actually need are white breeches, dressage tails, made-to-measure leather boots, scarlet jacket and a body-protector. Otherwise I'm good to go. So what's that? A mere 1500.

But I was pretty much banking on paying my affiliation fees (a mere couple of hundred euros) and getting a BFP - sneaky plan eh?

Scorpette the gynae did ask if we were having sex - she said the stress of TTC made people forget. ffs, some people don't deserve to have kids!

In a similar vein - anyone see the article in the paper today about social services who've stepped in becasue a 17 year old is considered "too dim" to get married. She is 5 months pregnant bien sur!

Small case 'i'? 'TYD'? My standards are truly slipping.

Ladies, I feel duty-bound to report that there is a Valentine's Day 1975 reprint of JACKIE mag free with today's Guardian! Like, OMG! It is totally mint, ace and groovy. TYF has been weeping with laughter at how everything in it is about becoming a secretary and/or getting a boyfriend. I then reminded him that when I was at school, girls weren't allowed to do Computer Science GCSE and that when we had careers advice, the advisor used to ask, 'So, what would you like to do before you get married and have children?'.

I've had neither a career nor children, so I feel that we both lost there

Ski, am loving your cunning plan to spend loadsamoney on horseyness, thus guaranteeing imminent updiffication. I really want to lose weight but have not been very stringent as am worried dieting would either stop me ovulating or prevent fertilisation or stop it implanting or make it fall out. My usual worries about everything, basically. Should I embark on said diet ASAP? Nothing like telling your body you want to get thin to make it try and guarantee fatness via pregnancy, surely? Hmm, i think I may have fretted about this last month. Lazy fat BESH that I am

I can't believe that as well as washing and putting it the right hole, TYD has to ejaculate inside me as well! Why has no-one told me this before? So are you saying that when he pretended to have sex with my head as I was reading, earlier (it really cricked my neck, oww), that can't updiff me?

Ski I have just seen your other thread in the tack room. Brilliant plan! is your thinking that if you spend thousands of euros on affiliation, training, etc, then it would be a disaster if you got updiffed after all? If so it's a great plan. My one successful updiffment ocurred after a long period of ttc, then a 'oh, what the hell' moment of madness which saw me spend damn near £6000 on.... a british eventer!! I had great plans for competing, etc etc. Two months later I was updiffed with a very expensive horse on my hands. Therefore it's a scientifically proven method.

crones Check out the barista thread on AIBU. I think when I do get pregnant I'm going to incite rage amongst middle-England. I may even take up pate just for fun.

I actually had tears streaming down my cheeks for this one : "Correct hole is my cunty cunt. Right, do I win a baybee?" kimdeal if that comment alone doesn't win you a baybee I don't know what - although I did want to say, you think you know which hole you're doing it in - but can I ask (as per the fertility clinic), i) Have either of you ever been sterilised?, ii) are you using contraception? and finally iii) does he ejaculate in the vagina? Ha! thought you were so clever didn't you? ner ner de ner ner

This pill tastes a bit funny... PHOOOEEY! Phew, not cyanide. Hey, what's this.... Oh dear. You don't put vaginal pessaries in your MOUTH, Kim/Magda - think that's where you've been going wrong

Mr Deal? mercedesrules.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/dog-with-glasses.jpg

Dear Scorpette,

Here, take one of these little pills and pop it under your tongue while I check on Eva.

All will be well.

Magda

PS Dogman cos you got me onto the topic of cats and then dogs and then him, and isa clearly drunk too much. It is quite a fitting description of him, though: an old dog with Michael Caine glasses.

For those who don't know, Magda Goebbels murdered their 6 children in Hitler's bunker rather than have them live in a world without Nazism (then she and Goebbels committed suicide. Or he killed them both. Whatever). Nice.

I have the same birthday as Goebbels himself. Double nice.

We need to write into the Daily Heil's Agony Aunt (do they have such a thing? Is it Magda Goebbels?):

Dear Frau Goebbels, my husband and I have been trying for a baby for a while now. I decided not to have children till my mid-late 30s as I am a selfish career woman. My husband is a dog... well, a puppy, really, as he's very young. We do it once a year, in the arse, and to maximise my chances, I haven't washed since 1997. My cervix looks like a banana and I drink 2 litres of gin a day, as I don't like the taste of water/reality. Also, I think I may have accidentally tattooed myself drawing big veins on my tits with a bic biro.

Where am I going wrong?

kimmy why is he in the shower? You know it's you s'posed to be washing your undercarriage, you dirty thing.

And please, did I miss something? Dogman? You have to do it with a humanman or it doesn't work. Jeesh, diagnosing your infertility' probs is easy. Next!

pin and mount me, like a butterfly...

Pony Dogman has bouught three (count 'em) bottles of red wine. Come and drink them with me. He's currently in the shower

But whaddyamean faux-intellectual? girlfriend, coma. Actually, I went off Mozza for 15 years, that's how miserable old I am.

scorp I think it's more like... you thought you had a life outside of this room? You are wrong. You are in the room of doooom.

You made me check your profile . Did you ever join in that faux-intellectual thread debating the realtive merits of Morrissey lyrics vs Betjeman/Larkin poetry?

Scorps is that picture really you?? (Far too much wine, so I can't do no clear thunkin'.) If it is, then I clearly have an excellent taste in women.

Fight ya for Joey Ramone though.

WOOHOO, I've pulled! Your sexy cervix works every time, Scorpsy You can click on my name to see my absurdly long profile and click through to a pic of me dressed in an everyday fashion (cervix not shown, sorry)...

Ladies, let us console ourselves that we haven't got THIS bad (yet):
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/11/women-who-murder-for-babies

Pony - do you mean that everyone who works at Nairobi airport is called Barry and has a impenetrable Northern accent? Odd.

Scorpette sorry for crosspost, I was overwhelmed by Pony's comments. Um, um: I do wash, yes! twice a day, but with Molton Brown goodies that probably kill all PH balances.

I've only actually done two pg tests (I only really had any delusions last month). But I have my biro ready for this month.

Judgeypants are maaasive, and have been for the past 20 years. I particularly enjoy wearing them for my condescending sister, who has four naughty feral childlets. I'm not talking about Kelly here, BTW - we just like hanging out and singing.

Am very glad to hear of your cervix. Next month sister. OK, think I have crush on Scorps now.

Dogman has just left flat to get more wine.

Oh, Daily Mail is to blame for everything!!

longwee My spermdonor DH has been to Nairobi airport. I asked him what it was like. (He was NOT in a swanky lounge.) He thought for a moment and said, Do you remember that day we spent waiting in the queue at the Leeds DVLA?

Hope your evening is much nicer!

Really? So you think I'm doing the right thing? result!

Oh god ...suddenly projecting life forward...

Maybe drinking white wine and pissing about on the internet is not a bit of an easier deal.

OK, so this is my problem. Utter bleedin fear of the unknown, fear of turning into one of those hideous mummy types, and fear that my body is fucked.

Yes, I spent my teens and 20s eating air (and drinking vodka). And I entirely blame the Daily Mail for that.

More questions:

Do you ever wash your fifi fufu?
Have you ever drawn an extra red line onto a pg test with biro?
Do you hate sci-fi robots (ie the dreaded period)?
How big are your judgeypants and what really gets them twitching?
Does Kelly ever get jealous that you're more famous than her?

And so on.

Longwee - last time I had smear/pickaxe to cervix, the nurse told me I had a pretty cervix and it looked a 'fertile' one. How can a cervix look 'fertile'? Still, I shall cling to her bullsheeeet in a sea of ov/2woofl madness.
PS - fisting is not advised: not as high a chance of conceiving as SWIing and nobody wants a bucket fanny.