Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

I was truly bewildered by the spunk, and have several follow up questions:

1. Why does anyone ever have sex without a condom if not trying to get updiffed? TSO said it felt amazing without, but I couldn't discern much difference, and def not worth being covered in the stuff.

1. Do you change the sheets every time you have sex, or lie on a towel, or what??

1. Why is this never mentioned in the movies??

Obv I meant heinous, but I now have great visions of what a hen-ous crime might be. Letting the fox into the chicken run, perhaps?

Hur Hur, Lyra does saturation shagging Remember to save the planet and wash those sheets at 30o, Lyra

Yeah, as soon as it says you're going to Ov, get SWIing! Forget the joy of it, just get it up there This is TTC, Zappy - fun, enjoyment and sense don't come into it (pardon the pun)!

Will someone remind me what henous crime VAG committed last week so that I can formally unforgive her?

ginny thanks for the tequila. Biff!

MZapp Ahhh... 'understanding your cycle'. 'Tis a mystery of the highest order. But wait! There is a magic key which will unlock the ancient riddle! Once you know the secret code then every month your body will flash with neon lights, proclaiming, "Verily, the egg is released" and the door to updiffedness will swing wide that ye may enter in.

Now, where was that key...? er...

oh yeah, and...

TEQUILAAAAAAA TIME!!!

Sex to me is like swimming.

ie once I'm there, in my cossie, in the water, I think 'this is great, I should do this more often'.

But if somebody asks me to go swimming I can't really be arsed.

DP has similar view - loves it when we do it, but forgets inbetween times how much he likes it.

Reality would suggest that we should focus our paltry couplings (one or two a month) on the best day/s to ttc.

yo you fucking YO! am back.

oh fuck it. i demand a summary of the past week's happenings, there is no fucking way i have time to read all that.

i've skimmed but apart from totally pissing myself at vag not knowing her cervix if 'it came up and introduced itself in waitrose' (it's her eye for detail that does it i think!) i really don't know what's going on.i believe we have some new recruits tho.

and i'm a bit tired hence the shit typing. so any pedants fuck off with yer criticism okay?

VAG it's virtually impossible to find haddock these days - how does a tapia fillet suit you?

morris I suppose it depends on how you as a couple generally view sex within your relationship.

I am definitely ready to be a mum - I've just got a new work phone. It plays mp3s, does maps, is synched (at some point in the next millenium) with my outlook, has a little pen and a touch screen and I have no fucking idea whatsoever how to use it. What is more middle-aged than that? My mum still reads each and every instruction at the cashpoint.

Also have decided that admitting 2WOOFLing inthe Palace, while compulsory, must be the Kiss Of Death for diffing. Think about it - how many 2WOOFLs have actually diffed? How many diffs have been BESHs who we haven't heard from in 2 weeks? Hmmm? Hmm?

Oooh look, iced tea! From Long Island!

Right then - I am on CD 14 of a 33-49 day cycle and am already 2WOOFLing - could someone kindly smack me about with a haddock? TIA.

aha, thanks friends. I've only been OPK for 2 months now so I don't really 'know' my cycle yet, didn't know I was meant to shag in advance of positive result so to speak.

Obviously sex is lovely and we do it for the pure joy of it (!!), but is there any point doing it every week if you can only conceive in a narrow window of opportunity?

Am 38 so yes, my eggs are scraping along on zimmer frames.

morris I meant LAST friday - so that the sperm is already well on its journey by the time our ancient ovaries pop one out. You're supposed to actually have sex BEFORE you ovulate - at our age our eggs don't have a very long shelf-life once released. It is my dangerous understanding that OPK are an indicator of your general cycle... so that the next month you will know before you ovulate that you're about to.

3 times a day is not realistic, but 3-4 times a WEEK, every week is better.

afternoon all, sorry this is brief, not had chance to read back yet but i'm still here, lurking slightly and going stupidly insane as impending babyfail expected anytime between now and Friday. Insane because i) i panicked I might actually be up-diffed ii) i panicked I might really been a barren old hag forever and ever iii) i have extremely sore breasticles and am now obsessively knicker checking iv)I am losinghavelost-- my marbles

Will the window of opportunity still be open on Friday skihorse? Or will I have 'come and gone' in the egg department by then, having been positive on Saturday?

I know I need to make an effort but DP can't keep it up - seriously. Three times in 3 days is too much for him. We tried it last month and it ended in frustration for us both.

We do want to ttc but we just can't do saturation nooky.

MZapp From my vast and extensive dangerously misleading knowledge of POKing it sounds like you sort of did the right thing. I think you are supposed to do it straight away if you can and keep it up for two days. But definitely the sooner the better, and please don't hold back. Just shag shag shag for all you're worth.

You're probably updiffed right now.

Morris Friday night. You need to put a bit of effort in luv - even at our advanced age!

I have visions of RLR's pooch watching the squelchy gymnastics with confused, sad puppy eyes. And then covering his eyes with his paws because his mummy and daddy are acting very strange indeed!

Yeah, I believe you

Oh Lyra, you FOOL! Being terrified that you'll get pg will guarantee it! What you want to do, to put it off, is be desperate for it - that way it will take forever!

(Trying and failing not to get melodramatic about things in only month 3 of TTC - I am a prat of the highest order )

Afternoon ladies. Can I ask a quick q about OPK?

When you get the positive result day, when should you then have sex?

Obviously ideally all day every day of course, but in the real world and with my real DP it's only going to happen maybe 3 times in a 'cluster' so should I do it immediately, or wait a few days, or what?

Example: had positive on saturday. Did it once on saturday night, once on sunday night, DP is now away with work until end of week.

On the OPK it says that the positive result means I will ovulate in next 24 - 48 hours. But are you meant to do it in that time or wait until you have actually ovulated.

Thanking ye kindly.

Aha. Well goes without saying I was petrified and in a head spin of ohmygodI'mgoingtogetPREGNANTandhaveahugebumpandhavetosqueeeezeababyoutofmyfannyandmylifewillbeoverfo rever, so no chance of an orgasm for me.

Err the dog, well he sleeps in our bedroom so he's usually around while we're shagging . He's curled up asleep on HIS bed though, it's not like he's awake/watching/trying to join in!

Maybe she's like Kimdeal and it's her fella?

Congrats Lyra and welcome to the full TTC madness experience! RE: spunky drowning - having an orgasm before/during/after can make all the difference between a light drenching and having to call out the RNLI Also sucks ups more swimmers, apparently.

PS Care to share why you had the dog in the bedroom with you for your 'intimate moment'?

Lyra Oh yes, we all quite drinking the first month during the 2WW - then the rage which ensues following babyfail will make you reach for the gin quicker that you've ever done so before. There is a world of difference between a cocktail and necking a bottle of scotch before lunch.

Congrats on your mucky sex though!

Oh lord, don't quit drinking! Cut down a bit maybe if you want, but no need to go all drastic about it.

I'm counting down here, last week at work and also am off to Italy on Saturday! yay yay yay.

Mucho formaggio and vino rosso awaits me.

I accidentally stayed up till 3 getting ver ver drunk on Friday night. Saturday was a bit of a struggle.

Last night TSO (the sporty one) and I had sex without contraception for the first time ever*.

It was CD9, so not exactly jackpot time but not impossible either, which means we are officially SWI. Eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk. Am bricking it. I blame the Gin Palace - I dared myself on here to start in September, and I felt I'd be letting you BESHes down if I didn't.

I've started taking folic acid, when I remember. Do I need to do anything else? Oh yes, quit drinking - I'm in denial about that, still having a glass of wine every day, 2 on the weekend...any tips for stopping??

• The aftermath was absolutely gross, by the way. We have both used condoms all our lives, even though I was also on the pill (paranoid about accidental updiffment), so we were not prepared for the "backflow". It positively POURED all over me, the bed, the dog (no not the dog really). Are we doing it wrong? Is this why you are supposed to lie with your legs up the wall afterwards? But surely women are not sponges, it won't all soak through your cervix, will it??