Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

Morning all. friendly slaps all round as I feel the violence has been quite toned down of late.

Sorry for the metal monsters appearance, the squeaking bastard.

Oh and yes fertility clinic bitch - I am fat but I think my lifestyle is a million years away from bed-ridden, hob-nob eating obesity! fucking fuckety cunty fuck.

I have ovulated every 26-28 days for the last 23.5 years when I have been eye-wateringly overweight and when I've not eaten for 4 months. I don't think I'm having problems ovulating. As I said, the last time I was at their optimum weight my hair fell out and I couldn't go to work because I had no energy and they were running blood works to see how badly I was fucked up, but hey - I could've had IVF! wankers VAG Do you want to compare cocks? I'm sorry you had a crappy birthday - would a smack in the chops cheer you up? cunty is being cunty so the daily mail don't print our rants on their site.

Poor VAG! Happy belated birthday - FB didn't alert me to your b-day, otherwise I would've left you a cheery comment on there. I'll be 37 in less than 2 months - the one all the expert books say is the real shitter. Joyjoyjoy. But that's not to belittle your own BOD-mare.

We all have those horrible times when we hate ourselves and everything, but please remember that you are fabulous, definitely NOT a he-she and have a wonderful bloke who whisks you away for surprise romantic breaks, etc. And much more besides

Cunty is very good at TRIGonometry, if you get my drift

ski, TYF deals with my moods the way he deals with every - a silent look of confused consternation. If was a cartoon, he'd have a massive sign saying 'ERM???' above his head. He's always caring and loving. I am v lucky [smug face]
Oh and tell those fuckers to stop obsessing about your weight. I didn't know that was something you were getting hassles about, but like you say, I don't think near-starvation is great for popping out egg after top-quality egg, is it! I'm trying to lose a bit of weight but would rather stay a bit bigger than I like and get updiffed than risk not ovulating or summat bad because I've gone too far restricting things. It's a shitty balancing act. And to not test Jailbait cos of anything to do with you is sexist and ridiculous. Grrrr.

Well, still very mild on the R2D2 front. Just.... dark red bits 'n' pieces coming out. Lovely. Off to work soon, which is usually chockablock with mums and babies/toddlers. That always makes me feel better

ps Scorpy - feck. I had high hopes for you this time. Hope you are drunk right now (on orange juice of course).

Hey ladies! Can someone gove me a brief run-down of happenings since last Friday as have been offline - and who is this Cnutface - a newbie or sneaky namechanger? I'd go back and read up but frankly am now too old and time is slipping between my fingers like so much [insert something rude here].

BoD over weekend: I have never been so depressed over a birthday before, usually I manage to keep it in perspective, but not this time. TSF took me off for a surprise birthday mini-break to the Cotswolds and all I could do was snarl and whimper. I am so fed up with everything - TTC, life, work, the weather, my spots and cellulite, being socially inept (managed to say "good morning" to the waiter bringing my gin at around 7pm on Sunday). Stupid stupid stupid. I loathe myself.

But on the upside I'm apparently a transexual.

Congratulations Casper, you're officially a fucking 2WOOFL nutter.

Medee Without us mid30s judgers society would be on its knees. Judge away.

Scorps I'm so sorry to hear you're proper metal dogging - how is TYF handling the hormone "fluctuations"?

I'm just back from a visit to the dietician where upon I told her I followed her diet plan and have managed to increase my food intake but my weight is stable. I threw my toys out of the pram and told her that the last time I weighed the "appropriate" amount it was because I hadn't eaten for 4 months and my hair was falling out. I said I would be prepared to do this again to prove a point to the fertility clinic but I thought it was madness because i) I would be no healthier ii) my sperm-donor would probably have left me. I also had a complete tantrum about the fact that I could weigh very little, and jailbait be a complete fat twat and sterile and then they would help. I said I refused to go through the next 10 years worrying if I was at fault due to my weight when jailbait could be sterile and they won't test him due to my weight. I think if they refuse to budge we will go over the border and pay for the tests.

Unleash the violence. I tested four days early at the suggestion of my keen and curious husband, after he read the CBD leaflet. It was negative, of course.

I had my judgeypants on earlier, when seeing a child being pushed in her buggy by her father while he smoked and used the word fucking to his companion. Won't be long before that word is being repeated back as she seemed quite chatty.

eeek I hope you haven't got any crops that need harvesting...

Sorry for winding you up. A baseball bat to the kidneys should be revenge enough x

Don't give up the day job!

Am also fucked off cos can't access my FB account as it's been saying there's a 'technical site issue' (or some such horseshit) all day

I'm trying to bully you into feeling more positive! How'm I doin?

I can go off people, you know...

come back when it's a tide, then I'll accept your sad little face

Bit of blood. Game over. Boo Hoo.

Least I can shout HOUSE at the first JP Bingo!

I'd like the giant bottle of pomagne and the slightly grubby cuddly pink hippo, please!

cor we could set up our very own judgeypants bingo card!

How did you know that, ski? I thought I'd got rid of all those hidden cameras you put around our flat!

Well, I'm having no discharge whatsoever now, just the odd bit of 'tar'. I'm going to cling to my delusions of it being an implantation thang until the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbin' along.

BTW, I won the MN Judgeypants Lottery just before I got in - a woman walked past me (parallel with me for a while) with a little girl in a pushchair. The girl was chomping on a Greggs sausage roll, had a Fruit Shoot in the other hand and was wearing what I'm 99% sure were vile Lelli Kelly shoes! HAT TRICK!

I fail to see how it could be any less scientific than poking your boobs for an hour and a half and then wailing "do they look bigger sweetie?"

Wait - Cunt, are you saying that if I throw a twig off a bridge then turn round to see how fast it takes to come out of the other side, it'll tell me if I'm updiffed? How does that work?

(REALLY off to gym now. Ta ra!)

hahaha cunt - those innocent characters will never be the same again I'm afraid.

Surely autre-hole brown stuff would require the use of pooh sticks

Where is Sarah these days anyway?

Good point. I was just trying to highlight the sheer bogstandardness of the Boots tests.

Nothing goes into my bottom, let me tell you!

Scorpette That depends. Are you sure it's your foo-foo and not your bum? Shpunk I believe is the scientific term.

Oh... I've just seen your disclaimer at the bottom haha.

As for lauries thread, I read years ago that that sort of behaviour is perfectly acceptable in yank land - can SarahAbroad confirm? First date material in NYC.

Do teen mums do tests? I thought they just gave birth in mcdonalds toilets or during their English GCSE?

I gots braaaaahn stuff coming out of me foofoo*! Whassapoint in POAS?! I did anuuver one yesterday, before the braaaaahn stuff and it was neg. Surely braaaaaahn stuff means game over?

CB digi? I can't afford to quite literally piss money away! I bought Boots supercheap teen mum range and begrudged the fiver it cost me for a twinpack [Steptoe emoticon]

And it ain't cos I bin doing stuff like that women in the thread Laurie* mentioned

Well cunt, it just seemed so unlike you - publicly displaying emotion et al. Next thing we know you'll be sprinking babyd*st all over your fb page.

Scorps get widdling! I'm so envious of you and your multitude of pee-stick variants. Over here I get CBD, CBnormal or Boots own and they cost a fortune. If I were in the UK I'd be doing a tour of supermarkets and piddling in each and every one!