Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

fishandchippaper aaarrghhhh i'm working in the dark down this pit you know! I'll get the hang of it.

I'm going straight in with a TTC question here, please feel free to inflict on me what you wish, but have any of you tried any of these tests you can buy for fsh/menopause/home fertility etc? Are they a waste of my well earned dosh?

It was sexy fire fighter ski. not very imaginative but, to my mind, better than OH/DH. (although I've managed to use DH above - clearly been spending too much time on the more traditional threads, need to build up a few more palace hours). Fancy a Top up?

Silly row over housework - basically my manic obsessiveness and him "never getting it right". He told me to fuck off. So I did - upstairs to do housework, and by the time I came back down dinner was ready. So, nothing big really - just big reactions we're both feeling it. He's been a bit under the weather and I've had a couple of doses of bad family news + PMT (or PG hormones, I hope!)

Nuff of that. A love letter!? So jealous. Our relationship started long distance and we each have a stash of letters from the first few years. I miss them now that we see each other almost every day.

Will you be testing while jailbait is away? Could be great for him to come home to good news.

Come back others!

I'm half ginger and from the north west. I swear I've got massive judgeypants though and am at least 2 stone heavier around my arse than I'd like to be, which will no doubt give my shit doctor an excuse to make me feel like i'm not worthy and too old and my ovaries really have shrivelled up.

Holiday booked for 2 days after RTOD due, so guaranteed to fail this month. Nothing to do with copious amount of alcohol consumed. I need more grapefruit juice wine

oh and cuntycuntycunt fook you fish and chip paper Daily Maul.

baby abandoned in a bush!!!!

Casper SFF = Sexy Fucking Fireman? I'm sorry, I've missed that acronym. I'm going to drive myself nuts over the next week or so with increasing symptoms (real/imaginary - I fail to see how that matters) and jailbait has escaped the country and flown back to Scotland. I did find a loveletter on the bed though which was sweet. Why are you fighting with him? Is it because of his shoddy sperm?

Where is our Scorpette and why doesn't camel post anymore? I know she lurks...

hormonal and thick. Just been looking for a post by someone called zirconia only to belatedly get it. [JD emoticon]

Hi diamond. Care to tell us which ethnic minority you belong too? We have a few gingers and a couple of real-live lezzers (not a couple, but there are two of them)

Hormonal, moi? Never.

OK, so I fell out with DH within five minutes of coming home, then made up with him and ate the food he served me, then kicked him out (refusing to watch football at home, so sent him to pub, which he actually seemed sad about - muppet). Now I want him at home

oooh get you ski you big career wummin! I trained as a journalist and the dreaded DM was one of the few places hiring when I graduated. So glad I didn't go for that interview (met my SFF instead that week!)

OMG - I love Danni Minogue - how could I have forgotten about her? hello zirconia! I'm sorry - we should've warned you on the other thread not to go wading through all the lunacy but I'm glad you made it to the end and you're still with us. As far as symptoms go, have you tried poking your boobs with a pencil for 45 minutes upwards? I'm told that makes them hurt.

Barren and living-in-sin will do nicely around these parts. Have you booked an inappropriate holiday yet? How about camping? Camping DEMANDS R2D2 - I'm not sure if you're up there with our acronyms yet, but feel free to make some up of your own.

Cosmosis Excellent - we should visit a clinic together and watch them explode with rage! "Misery Weight" hehe he

Casper are you feeling a touch hormonal dear?

I've just had a tremendous recollection this evening of when I ended up in print in everyone's favourite newspaper! It was an article about a friend of mine but they described me as a "jet-setter" , at the time I worked for a computer firm in Brussels. Can you feeeeeeel the jet-setting glamma?

eeermmmm hello, is there a pit of angst around here somewhere??? I've dropped off a few crates of your favourites behind the bar, rack them up ladies . If you'll allow me to introduce myself, I'm diamond, lovely to meet you all. I have been reading through the rest of this thread for most of the evening and I swear I have never laughed so much. Youre all absoloutely bonkers crazy and I'd feel right at home in the palace if you think I'll fit in? I'm 36, barren, living in sin

holy shit. School friend's FB link directs me to the Sun's Sunbeams beautiful baby contest. It's sick. all those pimped out kids. Bet the sun is eyeing up its future page three stunners. [picks wedgie from judgeypants]

bad mood - no symptoms other than a bloated belly that actually makes me look pregnant. At least if I had a TTFT I could just let it all hang out! Bah mood swings

Ah, that Bod music! I was thinking birthday of doom music and couldn't work out what that was. [thick emoticon]

As for the weight ishoo, you can't win - they were all at me because they thought I may be too skinny to conceive. What do they frickin want???? Only people with spot on perfect weight are allowed to reproduce???

They should have seen me when I was at uni and weighed under 7 stone, then they'd have seen what skinny really was! (although that was misery weight and is not to be recommended)

All ( most) of my podge is on my arse & thighs - which apparently is where all the fat to breastfeed is stored!

Btw, totally agree about your sperm & egg meeting thing - especially as being over a size 10 I've managed to con some young man in to servicing me on a regular basis! ha! What if he accidentally looks down one day and doesn't see ribs? Will his hard-on fade?

If tubbies couldn't get pregnant then presumably the medical profession don't issue birth control to any woman over 11 stone.

Pah - the more padding you have the more your baby is protected. I don't hear of pathetic attempts to make women conform to society's ideal during the past thousand millenia whilst we've all been giving birth merrily. This is typical of the way the prevailing attitude towards women has been going over the last few years, fuelled by the fashion, media, diet and fitness industries. It's got us all paranoid that there must be something wrong with us. There isn't. What makes your ovaries and uterus aware of how much adipose tissue you have? The egg doesn't have to swim through lard to get to its resting place, similarly sperm does not have to negotiate a lake of olive oil before it meets its mate. Obesity (a society-generated word leapt on by the uber-controlling medical profession) can cause general ill-health connected with being unable to lug yourself about effectively, but, until someone tells me different, I remain totally unconvinced of its malign effect on sperm and egg meeting and growing into a healthy young-un.

And I've just eaten a whole packet of viennese fingers so I think I know what I'm talking about here

"Sex before marriage?"

I'm humming the Bod music now . I even remember the personal little tunes all the other characters had. Is that cool or tragic? Nah, don't tell me!

Far too many doctors are, indeed, a pile of fucking cockwank, as CunTrog so eloquently put it. I had to diagnose my own fucking illness, the useless bag of shites. And as for them always blaming wimminz for fertility issues, I give you this example: my Aunt never had kids. She found it hard to get pg then had a few MCs. She was told she was basically wrong inside and that it was her fault because she had been on the pill and had sex before marriage (this was the late 70s and early 80s). She begged them to do all sorts of tests on her and her husband, but they refused, just blaming her. She and her cunty husband split up and she was pretty depressed and single for yonks. But guess what she found out when she was in her 40s and he remarried? Yep, that his 2nd wife kept struggling to get pg and then kept losing them - he had summat wrong with his spunk. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

(If I've mentioned this before, please forgive me).

I'm just sliiiiightly overweight - really want to lose at least a stone, but TTC makes it a minefield - will being a lil bit chubs affect your fertility? Or will dieting stop you ovulating? Not that I would go mental with the restriction, but you never know if even a little bit of deprivation will affect things. And also - just how fucking fat am I going to be when I pop one out after 9 months? Will the midwife keep accidentally calling me Shamu? Is it wrong to actually hope you'll get a bit of morning sickness?

Anyway, I've bought a digital thermometer and joined Fertility Friend but as soon as my eyes see anything that looks even remotely mathematical, my brain puts its metaphorical fingers in its metaphorical ears and starts metaphorically screaming 'blah blah blah, I can't hear you!!!'. I'm going to have to get TYF to explain it to me in a heavily condescending Joey Deacon voice.

Gah!

Your are right, once again, my equine friend. Why did I not come to you first?! So many boxes filled with wishful-thinking equipment like muffin trays and baking tins when I could have left them out for the local ASBO-attracters to make their scrote biscuits in. I've wasted the Whole Day

Maybe it's just a "doctor" thing. The most selfish, self-centred, self-righteous twat I went to school with is now a highly-regarded psychiatrist. Would not want her to scan my beans never mind do "what's best for my state of mind!" Another medical student I met couldn't do her 27 times tables.

cunt packing is for wimps. What you need to do is put anything really valuable in the car or your handbag, then go out for an hour whilst accidentally leaving the front door open. Bish bosh, a trip around IKEA at the new gaff and bob's yer uncle!

Can I just say that all this doctors know best is a pile of fucking cockwank. I get the distinct impression that they don't go after the male of the species with such venom as they go after the female. Why is it ALWAYS our fault? Whatever it is - original sin, nuclear warfare, fertility...

On the plus side though, and as a bit of light relief, I've been packing up my kitchen listening to Very Loud Music. And amongst the rubble found a CD that I haven't played for yonks. It presented to me the forgotten perk of having a snippet of both the music from Bod, and the last gasp refrain from Newsround right at the very end of the CD. Instantly transported back to childhood.

Ponymum In fairness my GP wasn't concerned at all, neither is the dietician. It's the gynae department at the fertility clinic who treated me like I was on "America's fattest people". I'm supposed to go back in November if we want help, however if I'm not pg by then I will return to the GP and ask if she can do the bloods/semen analysis. If that's a no-go then we will have to just nip over the border to belgium where they'll do anything for cold, hard cash.

I have two friends who have conceived over the last 2 years, one at 17 stone and one at 20 stone - so whilst I'm prepared to admit that some women have weight-related fertility problems I really have an enormous logical problem with us all being tarred with the same brush. E.g., I don't want/need fucking clomid - I know I ovulate but for some reason jailbait's sperm is just not doing the job - maybe I just have an "inhospitable environment" and need a progesterone pessary. I suppose the problem with "weight" is that it's visible and easily detected (jump on the scales tubby) - but someone with a coke problem or a drink problem is much more difficult to diagnose (by sight).

skihorse WTF? I have so many problems with this. When we first told our GP we were thinking about ttc, I said 'Shouldn't I lose some weight first?' He said, oh no, you're fine! (I was 13st5). My DH's spunk was tested really early on in the ttc process with no mention of my weight. And I eventually managed to get pregnant despite being obese, having erratic cycles, and being in late 30s.

The most extreme diet I have ever been on was 1300 calories a day, and I thought that was not healthy. Weight watchers have a minimum calorie intake of about 1800 I think. 500 is insane. And BMI is bollocks. Does this person have no brain? Happy, stable, and content is what you need to be right now! That will achieve a whole lot more than a diet ever will.

I can confirm incredible weight loss through breast feeding though. After DD was born I was 15st2, size 22 . Now I am 11st11, size 14!! (Just bought some sexy new bras yesterday at last. 34E instead of 40D!)

Oh yeah i'd forgotten about that ski! No appointment yet, I think they're waiting till after my blood and thyroid scan results.

ski that still makes me laugh - don't think the boyf can better that!

Sympathise with me ladies - his appointment was 11.30 & he's already on his way back to the office! Probably stopped off for pizza too!!!!

Like dog hair under the foreskin you mean Cosmosis?

Sorry ski - well, gynae is a cunt too.

Well, my friend works in the hospital near the fertility clinic & since no-one in RL knows we're trying he has to avoid her. I have images of the boyf Rambo style rolling around the hospital going from one hide out to another!

If he says/does something to make an arse of himself, rest assured I will share that too. If he doesn't, we'll make something up, so TGO feels better! Does TGO have an appointment?

Ideally, can you arrange for him to somehow make a total arse of himself?? TGO is dreading his turn so it would be nice if I can tell him a lighthearted tale about someone else being extremely stupid so that I can say "just think, at least you won't do x y or z" thank you kindly