To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

CHW - I'm also strangely drawn to the Childbirth threads, and accounts generally elsewhere, even though I'm beginning to think it may never happen for me. It never ceases to amaze me how hard (and sometimes utterly barbaric) the whole process is - what on earth went wrong evolutionarily to make it so difficult? My sister had nothing too unusual for a first birth, although even longer than what seems the customary (if unthinkable) 36 hours, but it still sounded horrendous and she still [3 months on] has ongoing problems and, to be frank, damage, that is also apparently just to be accepted as normal and common and "not too bad".

Still, we all sail merrily on towards it (possibly) hoping that our own situation will be different!

Anyway, enough of this - first things first! You sound admirably positive and like you're doing just the right thing, CHW, and fingers crossed that a much more fulfilling job will come along (and that the book progresses apace!) - often these things do work out for the best in the end. Lots of good vibes over the air!

Lol CHW - I haven't read them and I am pregnant!

Step away from the childbirth threads. I haven't even read that far in my pregnancy book - some things ARE better faced with ignorance.

even when your trying to get pregnant the sight of a positive test is terrifying - its the responsibility and worry. As a fried of my sisters told me - You wonder why God chose you to be Parents.

Just think only people who will be good parents can worry this much - or at least thats what I'm trying to convince myself of.

Hi Ladies

It sounds strange to say I know exactely how you feel, when I am actually pregnant, but I do. Dh was always slightly less keen than me but agreed to us trying when I told him it was something I wanted - he has a 14 year age gap with his younger brother which I think put him off. However Dh has now come round to the idea and also in a petrified manner looking forward to it.

I'm always organised and the thought of having a baby in our lives absolutely terrifies me - however the thought of not having one is devastating. I think that it is people who plan and worry about things do worry about this more - those who don't think about it and just go for it won't over-analyse the situation as much.

I'm already worrying about childcare dropoffs/pickups and I'm 18 weeks pregnant - hopefully the fears and worries will drop off when it arrives.

Good luck to you.

Hi all,

CHW - I am so sorry to hear about your job. Even if you weren't enjoying it, that's horrible, and particularly (in respect of why we're all here, at least) if it delays things further. At least you do have a bit of time, age-wise, but very hard that you're having to put up with so much other circumstantial s**t interfering with the decision (and being a royal pain in the arse in every other respect, I imagine).

PawsandClaws - thanks, that is really helpful. As Honeypetal says, lovely and really eloquent about the experience of motherhood outside of all the practical stuff.

HP - hope you do get to have THE conversation soon! My DH was not keen at all to start with, though he's been co-operating, at least, for years now! But he has been very grumpy in the past about the idea of a baby, and still thinks there is some huge conspiracy to make everyone have babies and to keep silent about the drawbacks. (I see what he means up to a point, but if you read a paper like The Guardian (as I do) and no doubt the other broadsheets people are also falling over themselves to tell you how hard it is having kids, how difficult their (usually very privileged) lives are etc!) However he's slowly come round to the idea, though he wouldn't admit it - sounds a bit like yours now, i.e. saying it's up to you but not explicitly against. He's still not very keen, but he is brilliant with kids, and I think realizes there would be lots of rewards (and he'd still get to travel for work, go to work - which he loves, no doubt go to the pub etc far more than I would anyway...). And to be fair he is unhappy that I am periodically unhappy about it all. I think all that was to say, they do come round, usually! We're lucky to have enough money, though never much surplus (even as just the two of us) but even when we didn't he was blissfully unconcerned about that side of things - which may cause untold trouble eventually but makes it easier at this point!

Anyway, sorry this wasn't supposed to be all about me. Hope things work out for you both, CHW and HP, and that you get another job CHW, if that's what you want (although the book also sounds very exciting!!). And thanks Paws for understanding our fears but still coming out with an endorsement of the whole thing! I'm into month 3 after the HSG test, a test which is primarily diagnostic but is supposed to make you more fertile for three months afterwards, so keep your fingers crossed for me! After that, I think we probably will take the IVF plunge so we'll see what happens.

Update: Disaster. Have been invited around friends for meal. Talk delayed. Will try tomorrow.

Hi Pawsandclaws, thank you for the lovely post, "your baby is as much a part of you as your nose is" may be the cutest thing I have read on MN! And Ive never heard anyone put it like that before, how lovely. Its just so difficult to imagine what its like to be a mother when you arent one that its easier to focus on the practicalities and perceived difficulties. And having the courage to actually go for it despite that is very brave.

Well, that has given me the final push towards stage 1. Im going to wait until after we eat, then go through a few things with DH, like how we feel, future plans and time scales, to see what happens. Its certainly going to be interesting.......

Hi, hope you don't mind me dropping in. Just to say that sometimes, even when you're pg you don't know that you definitely want a baby! When the baby arrives it does all fall into place, somehow. Not necessarily all at once but bit by bit you get a grip and start getting used to the flow of the house with a new person there. You do just manage.

Also, you can't imagine how it's going to be no matter how much you babysit other people's children, how many other babies you hold etc etc - don't necessarily use that as a guide because it's a world apart from having your own baby. Not just even in a fluffy romantic kind of way - your baby is as much a part of you as your nose is. It's that simple. Once the baby has arrived you can't imagine not having that baby as much as you can't imagine realistically what it's like to not have your head. You try to imagine but you really can't.

However, whilst you are (sensibly) tackling the logistics of fitting a baby into your life, you have no way of knowing that you WILL have reserves of energy and inspiration and love that you didn't know you had before, to help you - I guess that's nature's "good-luck" gift delivered along with the baby!

Yes it's hard work and endless routines and getting up at 5am to a baby who just wants to play, when you are absolutely knackered and only went to bed at midnight after reloading the washing machine (again). But you somehow just find the energy to do it.

Anyway - just a few thoughts from someone who recognises a lot of the feelings in this thread but has come out the other side - and it's great

Poo, is it that obvious? Right, thats it, the sandals-and-socks are going in the bin, no more white coats for me and Im combing the crazy white hair into a neat ponytail .

DH is much more concerned with the 'material' side of this issue than I am - if I lost my job he would instantly say 'right, thats it, game over, forget it'. The last he said on the subject was that he really wants us to have our own house first and foremost, but trying to balance the two factors of house prices in a recession with Mother Nature's relentless withering of my ovaries is frankly quite stressful. I am of course totally aware of the finances, but we could be 45 before we are totally sorted re: savings and permanant contracts! I hope you get a job you want soon.

OMG, I am totally doing the same thing with MN whenever DH walks passed. Its crazy. I keep lurching between MN and net-a-porter but he has said 'Ive never seen you on the internet so much'. I may be addicted. Save yourself!

Right, Im going for a soak in the bath......

CHW, thats such a shame about your job, even if you were on a short term contract its still a shock when it happens. I hope you get something new and fabulous as soon as possible - fingers crossed for you. Good luck with the book, thats an exciting project!

(You could still go ahead with stage 1 - it is all about information and knowledge is power. I read on a thread that women TTC should be tested for rubella immunity, if they arent immune they need the vaccine which takes three months to get out of ones system, during which time they shouldnt TTC. For example.).

Age and TTC. Its a tricky one. I mean, the facts are the facts, the older we get the further we are away from our fertile prime (I think mine happened sometime in summer of 2002). The stats show what they show, but on the positive side, stats show what happens in a whole population, not at the individual level. So while one woman may be fine up to 40, another may really struggle at 30. But on average, it may be harder when we are older. I guess it comes down to risk - you dont know until you start trying. And infertility can affect anyone at any age. (sorry, Im a scientist, you probably got bored during all that!).

I havent told anyone at all that Im wrestling with the baby/no baby thing. It just seems to much to go into, and Im quite a private person (except when Im on MN, when it clearly all comes spilling out!). My best friend cant conceive 'naturally' so Im not going to go into it with her, bless her. As for everyone else, its just TMI.

Afternoon Ladies, and hi to LizBaz. Welcome to the thread of uncertainty, where intelligent, confident, capable women go to be indecisive about major life choices. And also be poor spellers.

Im sorry to hear that you are having problems, Im worried that anything I say might sound trite or patronising, but I really hope you have a positive outcome. Its interesting to hear that you still have your doubts and misgivings as well, despite everything you have been through (much sympathy for all the prodding and poking, I go wobbly at smear time so I feel for you!). Is IVF the only way forward - I have complete ignorance about this, but is there something else they can try first, or have you explored all other options and IVF is the recommended next step?

So many of my friends claim to have had a sudden hormonal attack whereby they were blasted by the broody gun (usually around age 30) and then became full on baby focussed. I feel Ive had the delay switch turned on so long that I dont know how to turn it off, to allow myself to almost indulge in a personal wish, instead of being a good career girl or carefree, breezy partner.

CHW - so, stage 1 of the plan? Thats great! Im gearing up to stage 1 of mine (DH conference), I think I may do it tomorrow, after some wine. Did I say some, I meant a fair bit. Ok, a lot.

Hi there,
Yes, if you haven't been trying that long (or haven't started!) don't be put off or worried by these boards - I'm 37 and lots of my friends have started trying around that age or older and conceived very quickly. And there is hardly anyone who didn't get there in the end. I'm the exception among my friends (for better or worse!). Yep, CHW, I had every test in the book, including all sorts of Victorian-sounding STDs (syphilis, anyone?!), and all clear, thankfully. (Not that I thought that I had syphilis, or anything like that, but if you go to a GUM clinic they test you for absolutely everything!) Seem to be ovulating, and DH's sperm ok, if not fantastic, so they can't really work it out. (Sorry if this is all TMI!)

I guess it's hard to make an absolute judgement about whether it is better or worse with kids. There are probably mothers who wish they hadn't, and some who will even (bravely and admirably in my view) admit this, but I guess my view (today - as you say, it could change tomorrow!) is that I've had a lot of non-kid experience and fun by now, and some of it will be available after kids - albeit in a very reduced form! - so I am ready (after a fashion) to try some kid experience. Which probably won't stop me feeling desperate to get back to kid-free state half the time if we do have them!

LizBaz -sorry to hear that you're having difficulties. I really hope it works out for you very soon!

I'm very new to this. When I say 'here I am', then, yes, that's TTC. And it's only my first month of officially doing so, after coming off the pill in May. Who knows how long I'll be here?

For me, it's been exciting so far. But when you ask what it's like, TTC, you should probably ask someone more experienced than me. It's been a real eye-opener learning so much about how things work, and this site has been a godsend, but I also remember reading a post here somewhere that first-timers should be banned from reading these boards for at least the first six months of trying as it's bound to freak you out. There might be some truth to that.

Whatever you all end up choosing to do, I wish you the very very best of luck, and hope you get what you want

Sorry, should have been CHW at the end there - too sleepy... And sorry to appear to ignore Immaterialgirl - when you say "here you are" is that ttc? Good luck with that if so!

Hi, hope you don't mind if I join this thread. Am on another but many of those people, who are lovely otherwise, already have babies or are pregnant so it's not quite where I'm at. This has been a very interesting thread to eavesdrop on - I've been ttc for nearly four years, so obviously in a very different position (from CHW and HP), but feel similar to you both in some ways (though I know I'm mega-lucky not to have health issues (other than being inexplicably infertile) or too many financial worries - at the moment at least). I'm now at the point where I'm contemplating IVF in the next few months, and still - unbelievably - don't know whether I 100% want kids or not. Sometimes I feel bereft at not having any, really broody, really upset when I get my period, really positive about the thought of a family etc. And I'm fascinated by other people's kids and the whole experience of raising them. At other times I love the lack of responsibilities, the adult conversation, the freedom, my great relationship with DH etc. Am also poised on the boundary of a possibly exciting career change, and so think I need and want the time for that, whereas having a baby might keep me in my current job where I'm not 100% happy (though I know I'm lucky to have it).

Anyway, this all sounds very selfish and a bit silly if I've been trying, increasingly seriously, for so long - but it hasn't resolved anything! It's nice to see others feeling similar things. Hope you both get what you want, whatever that works out to be, and of course that you're well through pregnancy CFW.

PS. No probs about spellings, I would be stuffed in RL without spellcheck!!