To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

Yes, a friend of mine is due any day now and can't remember the last night she slept all the way through. I have always been a good sleeper, my mum used to hold a mirror over my face to check I was alive. Hopefully, any child I have (!) will take after it's mother in that department...

Do many of your friends have kids? I am close to the only one now who doesn't and seeing them with their kids doesn't help with the babyometer (sometimes envious and sometimes thankful!)

A couple of my friends have been pregnant in the last year, and from what I can gather Mother Nature starts training you for broken sleep pretty early on by reducing your bladder to the size of a conker from week 3 of gestation. And then there is the heartburn and leg cramps. I got up once during the night for a pee last week and was nearly weeping with the nastiness of it. God, I love my sleep.

Just re-read Pawsandclaws post. Sigh....

Pimp--act, hmmm. Conjures up entirely different connotations!

Met at 11, blimey! I cannot imagine that. I have been with DH for, erm, nearly 6 years and noone has made me feel even broody before then. In fact, it's all DH's fault I'm here in the first place!

I would have thought the DD would drag you back to red and make you stay there, at least for the time being. Not sure if it creeping up to amber is a good or bad thing.
I think tbe lack of sleep to me may be an even bigger factor to consider than the money situation now I think about it. But I suppose that's where the post by pawsandclaws comes back in. Again.

Ha ha haaa! 'Pimpact'! I actually meant impact, but love Pimp-act.

Hi Timmette, thanks for posting for us. I agree, money definitely isnt everything, but it adds its grubby contribution to the decision mix! I am heartened hearing about people who find themselves managing financially after the arrival of DC. For us its the cost of childcare that strikes fear into our souls, working it out on ballpark figures we would have £50 left at the end of the month, on our combined salaries. Damn you, The TaxMan.

My baby-ometer is on amber today, but it has been red for a couple of days. Maybe the pimpact of the DD. But Ive been back at work and its so timeconsuming and stressful that I cant imagine having to balance a baby and work committments. Not to mention the lack of sleep. In my line of work I could spill something very nasty all over myself!!

To answer your other question, Confused, there is no pre-DH, we met aged 11 and started 'seeing eachother' aged 16. I had a mad baby-craving at about 22, but squished on it so hard that Im scared it wont come back. I thought I always wanted kids, but now it has come to it, find myself troubled. And DH and I didnt talk about it at all, hence the post-wedding shock.

Hey, thanks Timmette - that is actually really helpful. I agree that money isn't everything but it is a frightening aspect, or at least it is for those who don't have DC's to worry about instead!
While we too are skint we still also manage to buy things like wine and occasionally go out (though less so now, but I think that we are also less inclined too - another reason a baby wouldn't be such a bad idea now...?)

Hmmm, you're not in cahoots with PawsandClaws are you?

Sorry to but in especially when I am not ttc but am pregnant and have one dc already. But I was being nosy and reading your very sensible posts and thought maybe I should what we did - it may be of some use or none at all.
When I was pregnant with ds - dh was not hugely enthusiastic, anyway we were renting a flat and he was working, when ds was born he quit his job and our lease was up - we were broke - so moved in with his parents while dh started his own business. Not ideal and certainly not much money but it was fine - we managed.
Now 3 years on we own our house or the bank does , but also due to huge problems with my side of family we are 60 grand euros in debt, and I am having number 2.
And we will manage, we still have holidays and go out and have a social life etc, we keep an eye on the budget but we don't watch every penny, and there is still only dh working.

What I am trying to say is money isn't everything and while it should be considered it wasn't for us a deciding factor - as there never is a perfect time to have children.
Apologies for the rambling.

I agree that P&C does have a lot to answer for! It really struck a cord and not an angle I had ever considered before but it explains a lot really.

Yes, the stuff I was given re diabetic mothers went on about potential damage to eyes, kidneys and so on; extra screening to ensure baby is developing and not getting massive, also that their organs are working proerly, my immune system doesn't attack it, likelihood of Csec and / or post birth infections - the list was horrible and endless! However, i am well controlled (have been since diagnosis at 4 years old) and know there are a lot of diabetics who eat / drink what they like which puts massive stress on the body and can be made worse by the stress of pregnancy. I instead put stress on my body a more positive way by getting super fit and doing an Olympic distance triathlon! (and not remotely sporty.)

Where's your babyometer today - in the red or in the green? And, so you too can read back on it, why?
Lastly, is it your DH and the thought of his child that has brought you here or have you always toyed with perhaps having one (pre DH) - hope that make sense, if not due to cooking and typing at same time!

Yes, my periods are very, very prompt. Well, my fake ones, anyway. I know to the hour when the fake-bleed will start. God bless the good ship Pill, and all who sail in her. Im going to miss it a lot once the Feds make me stop taking it due to increasing age or whatever other reason crops up, regardless of if Ive had children or not.

My DH has said that once of the reasons he is being low key is that all the physical things will happen to me and he has no right to ask me to do that. So no wonder your DH was a bit freaked out. Like you say, patient leaflets are always written with the full spectrum in mind, and they always have to put the 'worst case scenario' even if that occurs in 1 in 10,000 people. The fact is that pregnancy and childbirth is a crazy biological event and cant be predicted. Thats why I was so keen on you to check with the medics if you did want to start TTC. But I am a bit of a hypocondriac!

oops, crossed posts - I didnt mean re-read your last one!!!

There you go! Read that back if your swingometer goes the other way and see how you feel.

If I decide to have a baby it will be 85% down to pawsandclaws. She should work for the Department of Procreation, or something.

Oh yes, forgot to add - no, the 'scare' didn't lead onto the TTC at all. We had made a decision to TTC after the triathlon a few months before that, and this was when the triathlon was 4 months away. Now we / I / he has gone off the idea, or seem to on and off. Before that we talked about it a lot, about what we'd do and where we'd go and what it would be like etc. I also got some info from the diabetic nurse but then got a bit irrriated as DH didn't read them for, well, until recently - over 4 months after I brought them home. I inwardly fumed that this didn't bode well but didn't want to nag him into reading them. I think perhaps I was a bit unreasonable at this though as I guess he see's things with a bit less urgency than me (ie I want to research it etc NOW and he, as he's a bloke, thinks why rush as we're not going to do anything about it for months and months.) He has now read the stuff and says, and I admit they make scary reading (disproportionately so, as these things have to be written to cover the whole range of diabetic patients, from the very well controlled to the clueless and in denial) that he 'doesn't want to put me through that.'

Lastly, I am amazed you can time your periods! I have no idea (esp recently as ran two packets together due to triathlon and last period was something of nothing, presume as just started back on pill - BUT NO, IT'S NOTHING TO BUY TESTS ABOUT!!)

He's gone out now - didn't want him to see screen and notice what I am up to!
Baby tempted - hmm. Okay, I like the idea of the being pregnant bit (which is possibly something, in reality, I would hate) and also think of the post made by the lady calling herself pawsandclaws. I also think I want something more than my cats and dog (much as I love them) and I also, after being adamant all my life I did NOT want children want them because of meeting DH. Before DH they did not appeal in the least.

Hello!
Okay, the 'scare' was when we went away for anniversary and DH said I looked to have a huge bust (normally a distinctly average 34B). This then led onto wondering when last period was (had come off pill and have never been someone who took note of these things, have enough to take note of being diabetic!) so, to put ourselves out of our misery we got a test. Did it together and watched, in a nervous way. Was negative, and we both then felt quite anti-climatic. And then, erm, got drunk.
DH here = back in a sec!

Hi! So I should call you Confused fron now on then!

The whole point of this thread is to go around in circles and write it all down in a fellow-dithery, supportive environment. I know what you mean about the face pulling - if a story comes on the TV about how agonising birth is or how expensive dummies are, DH just looks at me out of the corner of his eyes and kind of pulls this weird face. Thats why Im struggling with his 'Im up for it but only if you are' claims. I wish some hormones or biological urges would get involved, in many ways that would make life easier.

So you had a 'scare' - how did you feel about it? Is that what made you think about TTC? Ive never had anything resembling a 'scare', the closest was recently when I was 12 hours late (I know, but Im like clockwork usually...). Im really good at remembering my pill, I could count on one hand the number of times I have forgotten it. Anyway, so you are feeling baby-tempted today then? Quick - write down your feelings so you can read it on a non-baby-tempted day to see if you can still relate to them.

Im going to get a list of nurseries together. May as well have the cold hard facts at hand.

Hi HP!
Have now got more of the hang of this MN business and hence I have changed my name to something other than my, er, initials (when I registered I didn't really think about actually posting things.)
So, the pill and coming off it. I do indeed think this is possible. I had been on it for years and years and didn't think anything of it - others seem to have problems with the pill, mood swings and so on - but I never did. However, when I got told that I cannot really stay on it for much more I got reading about it (well, contraception in general) and found that a reduction in libido is a very common side effect. When I came off it it really did make a difference, and thankfully other things I wasn't so keen on (eg longer periods) didn't crop up so I was pleased all round.
Great idea to be proactive about your decision making business and calling round nurseries. I was wondering about childcare (ie doing it myself, I used to work in a Montessori nursery) and saw that childminders (registered) seem to earn about £4 an hour - not good if you are considering childminding yourself, but perhaps better if you have the child that needs minding! If you have some solid facts for your DH at least it's something more for you to go on and you can make more informed decisions.
I am currently in a 'wanting to have one asap' mode which is not good (cash again - yawn!) and even the childbirth threads aren't putting me off. Oh oh! Still, give me a few days and I might have a totally different opinion and it may be appealing as, well, childbrith. Who knows! Still, least I am not the only one who dithers and sneaks onto MN!
To let off steam, my DH says he 'doesn't think he can do the kid thing' and then, when on his own in a room with one of my friends, is telling them about a 'scare' we had in April and how he was actually disappointed. Then, when we hear a child having a wobbler in the street, for example, he pulls a face to imply that he / we should thank our lucky stars we don't have that to deal with. I have got into the habit of asking him if he does want to have a family when drunk (I generally seem to want one more then than when sober too) and he usually agree's we could 'try' and then goes off the idea. If I asked him now he'd give an outright 'no' but then I get the impression he actually likes the idea. (Shame the 'accident' scenario isn't really an option!)
Not sure why I typed all that to be honest but it helped to write it down regardless. I think I want him to say 'yes' and then I will and, similar to yourself, I think he only would even initiate it if I did.
Have I just gone round in circles? Hmm, I think I have...

Its a possible option!? Ive been on the pill so long I dont remember what Im like off it, but it would be interesting to find out, certainly! I have mentioned the endless sex when TTC to DH, his eyes do light up, bless him.

Am now 5 days PDD (post disasterous discussion). We havent spoken about it since, so I guess we will follow the usual pattern of leaving it for a couple of months, then repeat DD, get back to normal, repeat DD etc etc etc.

But this time I am determined to intervene in the pattern...some decision has to be made, no matter how small. I might ring around some local nurseries and see what the figures really are.

How is everyone else doing?

Ooooh, interesting. So, did your libido go up when you came off the pill??
And also, you were on it for ages (like me), did AF return quickly after you stopped?
(God, hope thats not too cheeky!)

Thanks so much for the understanding words - it sounds a bit naff but it really did make me feel better, and Im grateful. As much as I dont want anyone else to be in my situation, Im glad that Im not alone, IYKWIM! Im sorry you are making the decision alone as well, LizBaz, rest assured Im in the same boat.

DH constantly reiterates that he now would be happy either way, kids or no kids. After the post-wedding delaration of 'no interest' this is a change of heart. But whenever we talk about it he never says any good points to having children, he just goes really weird and stern and a bit cold to be honest, which he is not usually like. The money situation is certainly a problem, we earn what we earn and it wont increase hugely (if at all!) in the next five years. Like LizBaz, I discovered some financial issues on his part that its taken a couple of years of slogging to sort out, which means we are in a much better position than we were then. But that position is far from wealthy.

He does at least agree that time is a huge consideration and seems to understand why Im so stressed. What he really wants is me to make my decision. I know Im a hypocrite as Im struggling with it (see earlier posts!) but Im getting more and more frustrated and stressed.

Anyway, I feel a bit better since the weekend. And the atmosphere is returning to normality in the house.

On something different - does anyone know if the pill is thought or even known to suppress the desire for children? Am I so pumped with controlling hormones that its affecting my desire to procreate? Probably not, but worth a Google, maybe?

HoneyPetal - I really feel for you. This sounds so like conversations I've had with DH. It wasn't exactly money that was the sticking point with us - but I can see that must be especially hard as money can be made to seem so absolute and non-negotiable and gives the person wielding that particular argument the (false) authority of being 'realistic' and 'sensible' etc. (As if it's the be-all and end-all...) I found out a couple of slightly scary home truths about our (or rather his) financial situation tonight from DH so think it may become an issue soon, but in the past when we had similar unpleasant conversations about the kids issue, invariably ending with me in tears and him stony-faced, it was simply that he claimed to not be able to imagine anything worse than having children, full stop. I don't know how far we're over this, but as I said earlier, he seems to have mellowed, or at least resigned himself. I have found it really hard to make this decision by myself, and to feel as though I'm going to have take full responsibility for it. But I do comfort myself with the old cliche, that so many couples I know have borne out in reality, that men do get committed and bowled over if and when a baby does actually arrive (and in practice usually fairly early into the pregnancy). No help in the immediate term though - bloody tough for you - really sorry things didn't go to plan.

Hi all,

I also though, oh, I'll wander over to the pregnancy and childbirth threads for a bit of research....NEVER, EVER AGAIN. Did you read the thread on 'things they never told you about pregnancy'? For the love of God, its horrific. The stuff of nightmares. But it was like a car crash, I couldnt tear my eyes away.

Glad to hear about the positive energy....Im sorry to say that I cant join in, as Im feeling a bit 'tired and emotional'.

Long story short (because Im pretending to be on Facebook), I had my discussion with DH last night and truth be told it went as expected. Same old same old. I have to make my mind up what I want because until I decide what I want we arent going to move forward. I swear he goes into work mode with me, like we are in a meeting or something, working through an agenda. The best bit was when he actually went pale at the cost of childcare 'Its about £600 a month, right' 'Er, no, closer to £800'. That really put a spanner in the works, the phrase 'bread-line' was used.

Anyway, it ended in tears (mine) and frustration (his). Not sure how we are ever going to sort all this out.

Enough of me - hope everyone else is in a better place (and just be thankful we havent currently got stitched foo-foos, seriously, stay away from those threads).