To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

Hi there,

Thanks for the support, HP. I know I'd feel entirely different about it with an excited DH. I do think that he will/would jump on board once it's a reality. It's just getting to that stage. The drinking is a bit of a problem in general and makes me fear for the future - it's not utterly disastrous, but it's certainly well beyond healthy, and it's possible it's decisively bad re. conceiving. But I can't do a thing about it - have talked about this on another thread (probably more than one) but he isn't one to respond to nagging or any sort of pressure. All of which makes him sound a bit of a nightmare - he's fantastic in most ways, loving, generous, great friend, and he is doing very well in a demanding job so there's no worry in that quarter. And I can't really talk, as too often I 'give in' and join him in having a few glasses of wine (which I love too, don't get me wrong) because it's more fun and of course makes me relax about the whole situation. Have been doing this less since TTC, but probably still too much some months. The latter, at least, I can do something about though so should attend to the log in my own eye or whatever that phrase is! Mind you, on my red days, which are still quite frequent, I find it hard not to think what the hell. Yep, am thoroughly messed up!

Anyway, sorry about this long self-absorbed post - it's nice to get this off my chest here. Am going to ring my sister later and am praying things have improved a bit for her. She didn't sound too dead/crazed on her answerphone message!

Hope things are ok with you all. xx

Hi All,

Good to hear from you Levi. Im sorry to hear about your DHs current change of heart. Its such a tricky one, and IVF is such an emotional and physical rollercoaster (my closest friend went through it, worked 2nd attempt, beautiful baby boy). When I read some of the other TTC threads a lot of the DHs seem really committed and excited, which makes me a bit sad. But everyone is different, and every couple is unique, I guess. Is the drinking going to significantly interfere with the IVF process, or at least his 'contribution' to it (and I hope that the drinking is ok by you, dont want to pry, but are you ok with it?)? I know exactly where you are coming from in the sense of not wanting to push for something that will so massively impact on a happy relationship and maybe risk everything, especially when the decision seems one-sided. But Im still so unsure myself that I cant blame him too much!

Im really gutted about those birth stories. I know lots of women have a positive experience all things weighed up, but the thought of being physically destroyed afterwards is heartbreaking. Maybe these things matter to me so much that I shouldnt take the risk, and shouldnt have a baby.

Anyway, I hope things improve soon for your sister, bless her. It cant last forever. In the meantime, I hope she gets through it with enough time to brush her teeth, if not her hair.

Hi folks,

Have been away for a bit - hope you're all OK, and that things are improving a bit re. your dad, Confused - or that other things are giving you some distraction, at least. Good luck with the pregnancy (and hello!), Liskey - it must be scary, but lots of people (including my mum, who is a very anxious person) say there comes a kind of restfulness, psychologically (obviously not in other ways!), with the inevitability of it all (pregnancy, the early looking after of a baby etc.), and the fact that it all has its own momentum.

On the other hand, I'm still on a reddish light - my sister's situation is getting worse, if anything, and she is having a very bad time at the moment with her son not sleeping. She's always been very capable and competent, and it's scary when she talks about not being able to even brush her hair until 5.30pm... I think this will (hopefully) be the worst of it, though, as she's trying to impose a routine on him, and not go to him immediately, and so of course he's screaming blue murder!

The birth thing is terrifying - I remember friend who literally shudders every time she thinks about the birth of her first child (suggesting that it is a myth to a large extent that one forgets quickly about the worst of it). On the other hand, she has two further daughters now (and is happy), so it didn't put her off completely.

Also, my DH went violently off the idea again this month - can't work out why, quite - and I am just wondering whether it is wise to press ahead at the expense of threatening the relationship. In particular, I don't think he'll give up drinking, or even cut down significantly, which he needs to do (for three months!) to give the IVF the best chance if we do go for it. It sounds selfish, but it is part of his deeper reluctance about the whole thing. If it happened naturally, he'd be ok, I think, but it is going to be hard to have any sort of treatment if I have to drag him kicking and screaming. Sigh.

Quite.

Still red.

Hmmm.

No don't read the birth stories - stick your head in the sand and try and pretend they don't exist - honest its the only thing that works Says me who's 21 weeks pregnant and still feeling scared of the responsbility/money aspect of things.

So, Im still in shock over those traumatic birth stories. How is everyone else feeling?

Congrats on the new job, Confused, thats great news! And maybe it will turn into something more permanent, you never know.

Babyometer on full on red. Too scared to even go there.

Yup!
beggars belief doesn't it!

Doc: 'If you wanted your health you shouldnt have had a baby'

Ive seen enough.

Red. RED. RED!!

Those poor, poor people.

RED.

Oh my dear god.
Babyometer now on a very vivid RED.
(Yup, been at the childbirth sections again and there was this link.)

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/birth_stories.htm

Hi all, and sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.
HP - I think I may try out your mantra to also try and stop my head exploding with the recent developments re my dad. DH says we ought to simply ignore him and get on with the rest of our lives (have decided not to bother with telling his mum about him not actually being ill - I think she probably know's anyway but is pretending otherwise.) However, I would like to write an email to him one last time explaining that I know exactly what he is up to and why, and also not to insult my intelligence by telling me such rubbish in the first place. I shall leave with a parting comment about the latest of his friends, I had been trying to track down numbers or contacts for him as was franctially trying to find out where he was last Sunday due to him being so, ahem, ill, who could barely bring herself to speak to me. This because she too had been fed the same other bollocks about me demanding £30,000 weddings and then disinviting him when the cheques had all been written. (He didn't pay and penny, was very rude about ALL of it and - actually, I'll stop there as this could go on forever! Lets just say, it's all rubbish but very hurtful, and easier said than done to rise above when you have people hissing at you that you are such a brat.)

Anyway, back to the task in hand...! I am currently trying to focus back on nicer things so, after some exploration, my Babyometer is a amber / pale green.

To be honest, I think it would have been more of a green before I read the post from Levi about her sister (my brother was similar, didn't sleep through till 2 years old and woke up, on average every 2 to 3 hours - my mother said she nearly smothered him.) I hope things improve for her soon! I suppose these things are usually just phrases and I sincerely hope this is a short lived one!

HP - I think it is a good thing you didn't mention the baby thing to your DH when tipsy, especially after the disasterous discussion. Hypocritical of me to say as I don't think I have ever brought it up sober to my DH, nor he with me, but it's a tricky one as it is. Also, imagine going on about how you were wanting to, him being his usual ambivalent self and then the little girl throwing the wobbler! Talk about bad timing!
Do you have any plans to bring it up again ssoon? It's so frustrating it didn't go well llast time; even a bit better would have been a help - give you both a bit of a step towards the big TTC.

I have another job (temp one) starting on Weds so hopefully it'll take the edge off the cash situation. Phew! Also, DH is getting loads of work in (he's a freelance designer, designs toys) which is also making things look better. (Shame we're still £40k in the red - cheers 'dad, again! What, me bitter?! But, looking on the bright side, things are better than they were cash wise this time two weeks ago.

Hi All,

Am just surfacing after a great day yesterday at a family event, was up from dawn till midnight so taking it eeeeasy today.

God, Confused, that all sounds awful - poor you having to try and sort it all out. Whenever my mam goes pyscho I have a monastic chant that I repeat over and over again 'I am not responsible for the actions of others'. Doesnt really do much apart from lower the chance of my head exploding. So, feel free to rant, sometimes it helps.

Babyometer. Was surrounded by babies and little 'uns yesterday, have to admit to feeling some strong twinges. I had one two small large glasses of wine and nearly told DH that I was having a hormonal increase in desire to breed, but frankly got too tired and tipsy to do it. Possibly missed a chance there, but after the last Diasterous Disscussion also didnt want to spoil what had been a lovely day. Although one of the little girls at the event had a meltdown, which did make me relieved I didnt have to deal with it. Your poor sister, Levi, must be going out of her mind. Not fun. Not fun at all.

I guess Ill just hang on and see what happens - if the Ometer drops from green to amber/red in the coming days Im back to square one. And, avert eyes for TMI, but Im on my pill-break week next week and usually that is preceded by complete RED status of babyometer, so the current green is unusual.

Anyone else feeling a colour?

Confused - are you still here? How horrible and awful - the whole situation sounds crazy. Can't believe what you're dealing with at the moment.

My sister is having a terrible time with her son (3 months old) - he's only sleeping 1+1/2hrs at a time at night at the moment, and then will be awake and want feeding for another hour or so - she's going absolutely mad with sleep deprivation. Her DH is away at a conference at the moment too (getting a week's good sleep and in Trieste - I think she wants to kill him!). I know it's (hopefully) only a phase but it does make you think... But Paws and others on here have such a different experience (there's even someone on another thread with twins who says they're very chilled and easier than her first child!). How does one ever know??

Ooh! Very late in the day. Have been busy being self indulgent! C'est la vie, eh!

Got an email today from dickhead father saying he got this terrible illness in Laos, and was 'seeing a doctor in a beach hut' who then suggested he go back to Thailand. This inself wouldn't be credible but... well, look up the Laos on Google - IT IS A LANDLOCKED COUNTRY. Also, he claims, they don't 'admit to tropical diseases due to it affecting tourism.' One simple search on Google turned up numerous sites on 'tropical diseases' - most of them govenment one's. He clearly thinks I am dead from the neck up.
Sorry to rant and sorry to get off subject.

So, how's the babyometers today?

Im here! May be a bit 'on' and 'off' as DH is lurking.....

Hello? Is anyone there? I am tiddly (after my week, you would be - trust me with this one!) and would rather distract myself with baby talk from like minded (ie indecisive) people such as yourselves.....

Hi all

I feel so lucky with my parents, who are both great - although torturing me with hopeful looks whenever anything vaguely baby related is mentioned, and wounded looks when I do or say something which reveals I'm not pregnant...

I'm also feeling green lightish now (ironically because a bit rested - perhaps should be cherishing that feeling rather than throwing it away forever by having kids!). Good vibes to us all (if that's what we want) for a way forward, and convincing our feet-dragging DH's/partners...

Hello Ladies, and welcome to the Bank Holiday weekend!

So, what is it with insane parents? I cut all contact with my mother a few years ago after her behaviour went south of unacceptable. Although its sad, I just feel relieved that her poison isnt in my life anymore. My sibs also have to deal with her due to the presence of grandchildren, but I wouldnt in any way want to get drawn back in to her circle of doom. So sympathies to all dealing with shit we dont need from our progenitors!

Emerald - I hope the PCOS tests go ok, fingers crossed all comes back fine. My (possibly wrong?) impression from reading other threads is that with PCOS, often, medical intervention can be of some help with TTC. Let us know how you get on, and feel free to vent anytime.

My only news is that I am having dreams every night about bing pregnant. I suspect its because of checking MN most days, but still, its pretty weird. I do feel slightly on the green end of our traffic light system this week. All I need at the moment is for Pawsandclaws to post and Im a goner...

thanks LeviStubbs! And yes, the PCOS test results might at least give me some kind of push one way or the other... though with my Olympic-level dithering, I somehow know that I will find a way just to feel even more deluged with info and freeze!

confused, hope you are not struggling with your parental situation too much, with a nightmare mother myself I do know how this feels... wonder sometimes if one of many reasons I don't know about kids is that I fought so hard to establish a life for myself that did not involve my mum in any meaningful way and I know that if I had a baby I would invariably get pulled back in by her, the way my siblings already have...

Money is not a major issue in the sense that obviously we could afford a baby in most ways, it's just that we do enjoy our (small, but perfectly-formed) disposable income and the freedom it currently gives us...

Hi all!
Thanks for the wellwishing re my dad, the twat. I am currently trying to get enough evidence to prove he has not been in a hospital; there are a lot of holes in his story anyway (why, for instance, is all the corrspondence done via email - very odd to email under such circumstances, and none of the hospitals I have contacted on the island had him listed etc etc.) I have then got to decide whether to tell his mother or not; I have reservations as suspect she may know anyway but is doing the ostrich thing. I am also considering telling my dad, with the proof I have that it's all nonsense, and giving him two weeks till I go and tell her instead - by the way, we're not close, in fact she drives me round the bend. However, this doesn't make anything seem more acceptable.
Decisions, decisions! Hmm, almost better I am still job free as I have too much else going on (just a shame I've no cash to pay for it!)

Needless to say, TTC hasn't cropped up much recently but I am regularly logging on to see if there are any new posts. Will be back into the swing of the 'do I or don't I' once things have calmed down!

Cx

Hi all - have changed my name (from LB) as posting even more compromising posts on another thread and wanted something my DH would not instantly recognize if he commandeered my computer without me knowing!

Emerald - can I reiterate the welcomes - we are truly like minds on here! I don't know whether I'm an advert for getting on with it (in that I may have left it too late, struggling to conceive now at 37) or not (still dithering myself, despite TTC). Good luck, anyway, and I guess the outcome of the PCOS test might be a clincher. On the one hand it's bad to have things forcing your hand (and obviously hope very much you don't have PCOS - though my friends with it did conceive ok, one naturally, the other with Clomid); on the other, maybe at least it might make a decision now a bit easier. Very best of luck with it all - it's a toughie.

Confused - very sorry to hear about ongoing problems with your father - I feel self-indulgent wittering on here with nothing like these challenges and difficulties. Hope things get a bit (or hopefully a lot) easier soon.

And sorry to hear about the less than positive conversation with DH, HoneyPetal. Glad you're feeling positive about the idea of TTC anyway - good for you. I'm in fertile week so trying to both enjoy that (despite the limited eroticism of TTC sex!) and think positive (feeling fairly safe on the other hand that it probably won't happen anyway if the other four years are anything to go by!).

Hope you all manage a happy Bank Holiday, anyway xx

Hi All,

Confused - sorry to hear you are having such a nightmare with your dad. I hope the current situation is being sorted out and your nan's money is safe. x

A girl at work revealed that she is pregnant today. Shes been with her husband and had their entire relationship for less time than DH and I have been married. For some reason that made me feel weird. Anyway, perhaps what Im really envious of is her ability to make the decision and take the plunge!

at the phrase 'something unsticking it'! So true though. Some things are so 'big' they feel....well, too big!

Saying that, am amber-to-green today, despite DH pi**ing me off by saying 'if we get a mortgage and the interest rates rocket, at least we would be able to afford it as we'd have enough spare money to cover it'. So not thinking a huge amount about childcare then.

Anyway, hope all are well, take care.

Oooh, hello HP and a new hello to you Emerald,

Sorry for the lack of Mumsnet lurking the last few days, I have had a few other things going on (in short, my estranged father in Thailand scamming money out of his mother for supposed medical fee's - don't ask it's too long a story!)

It's always good, Emerald, to find like minded souls. However, babies have been the very last thing on my mind with recent events and I am presently quite glad I don't have them! So, as you didn't touch on them in your previous emails, do you have many or any financial issues to also complicate things? Money, I guess, is always an issue to an extent but I suppose it really means to what degree. I know I am happier staying in now than going out, but it's still nice to have disposable income for the likes of meals out / pubs etc if the urge takes. However, I also think, at our ripe old ages, that we are likely to overthink things and think about what we are going to miss out on etc if we have a baby. We are so used to being stuck in our ways that the idea of something unsticking it is scarier than it perhaps need to be.

I have said that me and DH have spoken very recently about this, and maybe taking the next step (the strong folic acid as I am diabetic) but now it seems a bit too weird so I am wanting to drag my feet. But! If DH wanted to drag his feet I'd suddenly want to have a baby ASAP, no doubt at all!

In vino veritas!!