To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

I've fallen very much into the time to get cracking, cos it probably won't happen as quickly as you think way of thinking. And the fact that we haven't been Not Preventing Pregnancy for a year and yet I'm not pregnant suggests it might not always happen when you decide you're ready. Its all a bit ironic really, you spend your 20s in mortal fear of getting pregnant and then when you decide that maybe it might not be such a bad thing after all, it turns out its not actually that easy!(Although a 35 year old friend of mine concieved within 3 weeks of coming off the pill, so you can just never tell!).

Maybe pregancy would be a beneficial thing from the book writing prespective? In my (limited) experince, there's nothing like the immovable deadline of a birth due date to get people using their time wisely and finishing outstanding projects (usually DIY related) cos they know they won't have the time once the baby arrives? At least I'm hoping that will happen to DH if I ever get to the being pregnant stage !

I agree, our red days must be greener than we think / admit as otherwise we wouldn't be on here.

Am with you on all counts re having a baby, from pelivc floors to lack of sleep but suspect being 35 last Friday has made me more into the green zone than the red. I also don't know if I can or how long it will take (obviously - would be great if you could) which makes me want to get cracking. However, I also rather like the idea of lazy weekend lie in's and also finishing my book (writing one, not one I am reading.) Swings and roundabouts, eh?!

Afternoon ladies,

I'm still feeling pretty green, but am slightly concerned that I'm more bothered about finding out if I'm actually capable of conceiving than actually wanting the baby at the end of it all!

However, maybe I shouldn't be on the indecivie thread at all, cos at the moment I am pretty sure that even though:
a) there will never be a good time
b) we'll never be able to afford it
c) I couldn't function on the tiny amount of sleep new parent expect to get
d) I'm quite attached to my pelvic floor
e) I know in my head that babies lead to poverty, sleep deprevation and a complete lack of control over life as I know it,

I am still being manipulated by some underlying hard wiring, that I never knew was there until I got to 32, that says I am a woman, I must bear children!!

Humm, maybe I should spend some more time on the birth trauma website. I know I'm a definately in a very green phase at the moment, and so am probably guitly of touting pro-conception propaganda, but maybe the fact that we are all airing our TTC indecisiveness on a Mum'sNet forum, suggests that even our red days are greener than we think?

Welcome YTD!
A woman after our own hearts I feel. I agree, it's good to know there are many others who feel the same way. I think you may be further on the track to TTC than the rest of us, but perhaps only just. I really should be a bit more proactive about the medical side of things but somehow that makes it just too official and I don't want to take that plunge.
However, due to the evil Pawsandclaws I am currently on a bright green - but this may change after tomorrow (maybe I ought to log onto the birth trauma website again...)

Levi, re the dog analogy - I am glad you could see where I was coming from. It really is good 'training' for a baby; not that I am suggesting you all go to the RSPCA to find out if you'll make good parents, but they do add a hell of a lot of responsibility to your life (and are very rewarding making the hard work worth it ten times over.) We couldn't imagine not having her now, and wonder what we did with ourselves before we did.

Hello to YTD - sounds like you're in exactly the same boat as many of us. If possibly a bit 'greener' (i.e. keener) than some of us have been of late... Good luck with the decision - and welcome to the Indecision Club! And hello again P&C - confirming with your posts that we all have it in us to be exceptionally pro-babies now and then, at least!

It's interesting, Confused, what you say about the dog. We've never contemplated getting one, despite both liking them at least mildly, because of both being out, and sometimes away, for work so much (and occasionally for pleasure), and because of the whole commitment, tying-us-down thing in general - exactly why we're dithering over children, in essence, but no one makes you feel guilty about not owning a dog. I think DH and I would know a lot more about our own capacity to raise and enjoy raising a child if we had a dog or some comparable pet (though dog probably the closest thing - except perhaps chimpanzee!). And on the positive front, it would make DH realize that we could add to the household, and that it could a) feel normal, and b) be a source of pleasure. All hypothetical, of course, btu it's interesting to think about the analogy - and very interesting what you say about it.

Anyway, thanks all - Monday afternoon marches on!

Hello fellow dithers,

I've just joined MN and have been reading this thread. I think I may have found my natural home. I am in my 30s and have discovered that I do have a clock and it?s starting to tick loudly. I came off the pill 12 months ago, primarily because I'd forgotten to make an appointment at the docs to get some more and DH and I had a brief chat and both decided that it wouldn't be a disaster if I got pregnant so we'd just see what happened.

However, there have been times when I've faked a headache at the (supposedly!) fertile times of the month, cos I wasn't really sure if I really wanted a baby. But recently I have swung the other way. I've read the traumatic birth accounts; but the words of Pawsandclaws lovely posts seem to have more effect at the moment. A few weeks ago my best friend told me she was pregnant. As you?d expect at my time of life, friends have been producing babies regularly for a while and I have been unmoved, but this time I was taken aback by the fierceness of my reaction. I was and am thrilled for her, but at the same time I was totally gutted. When I got home, I wept all over a bemused DH (who assumed I wasn?t really that bothered about having kids, based on all the stuff I?d said previously) and said I wanted a baby, because I?d feel like I?d failed as a woman if I didn?t!

So I think I?ve moved from a pretty consistent amber, to a GREEN GREEN GREEN all systems go, let?s make a baby stage. But I suspect in a couple of week?s time, I may be back to wondering whether it?s such a great idea, and it?s a huge, life-changing decision that shouldn?t be taken lightly and maybe I?m just not ready. So I don?t want to loiter on a thread where highly motivated women are taking pregnancy tests every couple of weeks (I didn?t even know you could test before a late period!) but figured I might be able to chip in here a bit. Much of the discussion here mirrors my own indecisiveness and it?s a bit of a relief to find others who are fluctuating between being broody and terrified!

Anyway, I didn't intend to be so effusive and its way past bedtime, so I'll leave it there...

Just read the Puff the Magic Dragon Thread.
I hope you can sleep at night Ms Pawsandclaws.

Oh for gods sake!
You know exactly what I am dying to do now!

More seriously, you seemed to have hit a nerve. I am not sure if I am pleased about this or not, but you have hit a nerve nonetheless. I think the older you get the more you think about what you will forfeit and the more you tie yourself in knots. I also suppose this is 'normal' but it is such a scary and big thing I can't really get my head around it. Suppose that's 'normal' too...

It is tricky definitely and you certainly do right to ponder it thoroughly cos there's no going back afterwards (or duvet days, or lie-ins, leisurely soaks in the bath unless pre-arranged with OH as is right and fair. Etc etc).

However the lovely bits are indeed lovely. I advise you not to look at the sad songs thread, particularly not the words to Baby Mine. No honestly, don't.

P&C - am now thinking about your post. You bugger!

Oh yes, and to answer your question (and keeping things relevant to the post) I or we are fine but as indecisive as ever! The longer you think about it, I am finding, the more tricky it gets...

Oh no, it's PawsandCClaws! Do you realise what you've done to all of us?!

Dear me! I'm not an especially soppy person but my god, I think you've been on some kind of conception encouragment course!

Excuse me while I go and molest DH...

Ah, there's nothing like little white vests! Especially the tiny baby ones. Worn by a tiny baby snuggled on your DH's/DP's chest, making snuffly noises and that tiny vulnerable head with just a bit of downy baby hair...

Sorry, was passing and spotted my name - couldn't resist dropping in! How are you all?

Hi LST,

Yes, the little white vests. Didn't give them a thought until HoneyPetal (rather than 'PawsandClaws') mentioned them... oh oh!

Your weekend sounds great too - in a child free, and responsibility free way. It's fab! However, and bear with me if this sounds bonkers, I feel as if having a dog has put us half way there on the path to children anyway as they are such a big responsibility. I, also, loved her not being there in short bursts (like when we were sat in the pub and not having to worry about how much longer she'd sit still for) but most of the time it was like something was 'missing.' I imagine not having your child with you would be even more of a big deal.

Yup, calls tomorrow re docs as it needs to be done. Not that either of us want to take the more serious step of going to a, eek, Diabetes Pre Natal Clinic (yes, hear those capitals!) but this is a happy medium.

Oh god, the little white vests (@HP). They are a killer. My friend has the most beautiful photo of her first daughter in one and it makes me broody even thinking about it.

Very very glad you had a good birthday weekend, Confused - so well deserved after everything you've been going through. Sounds fab. Have also had a great time in Northumbria with DH and friends walking in Cheviots and eating and drinking too much. Similar feelings about kids curbing all this. (Obviously you'll notice contradiction with great non-drinking resolutions in previous post, ho ho - but this was always going to be a boozy weekend as after big deadline and conference, and with slightly wild friends. Only excuse is AF, which means I take the opportunity to drink as I know there's no chance of conceiving anyway! I wasn't quite as bad as I might have normally been - but realize this sounds somewhat hollow...)

Good luck with the doc, C, and further discussions with DH (if you want them right now). Sounds like you've got a great thing going there, which is good whether or not you decide to enlarge the household!

Hellooo! Am back from a lovely birthday weekend camping in a tipi (camping without the bad bits, like packing up or leaking tents) in Cornwall. We couldn't take the dog (which is such as shame as she'd have loved it) so went on our own. It was great not having the responsibility but did feel like something major was missing too.

One thing DH said (as well as asking, out the blue, if I liked the name Charlotte) was that it was great that we could get pissed if we wanted to and not have to worry about children, he also then asked me if I would ever get pissed in front of the kids. I explained that no, I was unlikely to largely due to the responsibility of looking after said kids - and said we are actually quite similar with our dog (ie need to bear in mind we have have to look after her and be aware of what she needs and I think that looking after a child would increase this tenfold.) He seemed to get the idea, but was a bit too, er, pissed for the conversation to move on any further.

Today I am on a very pale red, so perhaps we ought to call it pink. This is an especially good thing as I have just got back from the weekend and realised I haven't (out of normal routine etc as been away) taken my pill since Friday. And, as we've been away for the weekend sans dog... well, you get the idea.
Will make docs appt on Monday to get this folic acid. I have been on the pill previously (came off it for 9ish months when I got told I can't take it any more due to age and being diabetic but was given 3 months supply when triathlon training so didn't have any 'accidents' with condoms - ugh, hate them - in the meantime) and never forgot it, but after the break I seemed to have been a bit rubbish. Actually, better to say relatively rubbish - I don't want to sound like I only take one out of every four!

DH and I briefly discussed baby things and he said that if I really REALLY wanted to he would want to too, and I said the same would go for me. Thing is, neither of us want to take that leap; having a lovely weekend on our own was great, and rare, and I loved the idea of being able to do what we wanted when we wanted and not having to consider or look after anyone else. The idea of naff family friendly holidays, keeping kids entertained on long journeys - and on holiday, getting up stupidly early due to them, school runs, houses full of 'stuff' and all the reasons that would take pages and pages to list have no appeal whatsoever. But! There is something niggling all the time... I also think you lot can relate to this - after all, there wouldn't be a thread otherwise - and thank god I'm not the only one!

Better go - DH here

It seems better now.
Enjoy your meal - 'speak' later.

PS. Dont invoke P&C, bless her, she makes me want to throw my pill in the bin and buy little white vests....

My mumsnet is fine, no crashing. However, thanks for poust but will have to respond tomorrow as dinner (when DH cooks we generally eat late) is about to be ready.
Till then - I know where you're coming from! Unfortunately...
Paws and Claws - do we need you now, or do we need you like a hole in the head...?

Are you having problems with MN - mine keeps crashing and claiming server problems?

Rest assured, I know its not much help, but your post above is pretty much what I would write. Having a baby is hard bloody work, emotionally, physically (!), financially, etc etc, so considering whether you can be arsed or not is a big part of the decision. We are basically fighting Mother Nature here, the draw to reproduce against the draw to own expensive shoes and sleep in at weekends, amongst other things.

(your posts arent badly written, and unless the dreaded DM gets holds of them, only lovely fellow posters will be reading them, so worry not!!).

Feeling saucy i thinkl! Sorry!

Yes, a 0.5 stage would be perfect, if a little unhelpful. It's not that it scares me, as such, but I just don't know if I can be (and I realise how this sounds) arsed. One hand I do, but I want everything else to be in place too (book written and piublished, money in bank etc) and, really, I think that's probably somewhat unrealistic! I think of our lives now and I like it - but there is niggly niggly thing at the back of my mind all the time. This is why I'd love, in theory, the idea of a 'mistake' even though it's not a 'mistake' if I am on MN etc. It's more of a devious decision. I say devious as DH says yes in an ambivalent way too and so I think taking matters into my own hands (not that I would) would make him swing madly into the 'yes' catergory. He has said lots of times he thinks I'd be a fab mum etc but we have too many other issues (not with each other, things are great there) to just take the plunge.

Not sure if that makes sense or not. Hate typing in this little box and then seeing it posted with all the mistakes / badly written. I am meant to be a writer after all (ha ha fucking ha)

Yes, bladder and bowel control would make it near the top of my list of 'things I would miss if they were gone.' Shudder.

So we have both stalled at Stage 1 of the plan, huh? Well, this is a place of tolerance of the dithering, so all is forgiven. God, its tough though. I think Im going insane, unless Im setting up a nightmarishly complex experiment at work, I almost constantly have baby-thoughts swirling around my head along the lines of 'Do I? Dont I? Do I? Dont I?'

Whats scaring you about the mahusive-folic acid? Is Stage 1 too much? Do we need to come up with Stage 0.5?

No. No more plans to have a discussion with DH. Am feeling very, very emotional at the moment, dont know why. Cant face it. Although I did say to him that I may be feeling a leetle bit broody and he offered to impregnate me on the spot, as he was relieved to have a hint of a decision....either that or he was feeling saucy.....

hey, me too! and my bladder come to think of it.

typing with one hand at the moment so excuse lack of caps.

i still haven't planned to see the diabetic nurse to get the elephant strength folic acid and think i may be putting it off. however, am 35 on friday (!) so need to start thinking more seriously - the diabetic business makes it more tricky, as does age. if i wasn't diabetic it isn't as big a deal. sorry if said this 1000 times already. i think i almost want to be bullied into it as can't take the plunge myself and dh is just as bad.

have you any further plans to bring it up with your dh?

Im here! Hi Confused, good to hear from you!

Those birth stories have really, realy freaked me out. Call me fussy, but I quite like having control of my bowels.

hello, hello, hello! I'm back and this time I am definately more chirpy!

So, where were we....? Ah yes, those bloody birth stories. Hellish aren't they? I have now managed to get over the initial horror and am able to distance myself, to an extent, and say that surely (surely) experiences like that must be rare? Of my friends, one made it sound about as traumatic as having a big poo, another felt horrific but said the baby at the end makes it more than worth it and others say that it was as expected (but not worse.)

Like you HP, I am on an amber today, although it is a pretty pale shade. I am getting really into writing my book and know that distracting myself with baby things would be a bad idea. However, I seem to have now given in, hence I am back on Mumsnet. (I'll use the excuse of being tired for not getting on with my book - pretty true anyway!) Also, I made the mistake of looking up stuff on the net about getting your book published and wished I hadn't (very very hard - won't say more and remind myself) and morale has taken a kicking. Ooops.

Sorry to hear about your sister Levi, it sounds horrendous. A friend of mine had one the other week (baby that is) and said that her baby cries a lot too (but is less than 2 weeks old) and sometimes she feels like she's going to crack up. However, she then also says that she takes one look at the baby and 'just melts.' It must be all in the inner psyche (or something!)

Will post this now as not been on for ages and hopefully one of you might be online...

Hi All,

Levi, I cant offer any advice other than an ear to bend (IYKWIM, dont know what the typing/visual equivalent is!). Firstly, I know I too would feel differently with an excited DH, it would feel like an adventure or joint project, rather than what it feels like currently which is a crap no-mans-land. From reading other threads on maximising ones chances of conceiving, I guess the drinking isnt ideal, but its one of those things that you may never know if its having an effect or not, in your particular DHs case. But regardless of fertility, if you feel the level of alcohol is on the other side of healthy, its difficult to know what to do for the best. Most of the current advice seems to be 'cut right back on the stealth drinking' but thats easier said than done if its part of someones life. Im keeping my fingers crossed for you, and post as many long posts as you want.

Speaking of which, where is Confused? I hope you are ok, petal, drop us a line if you want and let us know how things are.

As for me - amber day.