To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

"Saying all that, I know if I said right now, this minute, that I wanted to have a baby, he would agree to go for it" HP I got slightly teary ready that. What more do we actually need from our partners?

This is a fleeting visit from me, as I need to go put my party frock on and get ready to go out. Just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year. Here's hoping 2010 will bring all us the changes we desire.

LST!! It's great to hear from you. I'm glad you are ok, you have certainly been filling your time with all that you have on your plate. It all seems to build up as the year ends, doesn't it? I hope you are relaxing over Christmas, at least.

So both of you have your appointments in the New Year? How exciting! Both sets of my fingers are going to be crossed for you (in true scientific style ). I'm sorry that you both have been feeling down about it, it must be so difficult. I don't want to say anything trite or insensitive - I know I'm not even trying TC, I have no idea what it is like to really go for it and encounter issues. I feel like a bit of a spare part, but I really, really hope you get what you want. Especially in a green frame of mind - quick, quick, go for it!!!

I've given a lot of thought to the issue of a DH showing a lack of interest or excitement (given my own situation). It must make taking the next step in the process very challenging. Especially if he has to be involved in the initial stages and provide a 'sample'. I can imagine how well that goes down. Maybe my own DH is right, some men may only get excited once it's a done deal and the arrival date is set. So 'we' end up carrying more than a 50% share of getting going or pushing on. I feel exactly the same way about TTC, as if I'm the one who pushes it, who decides that we should try, in the tough times of tiredness, nappies and being skint, how will we both feel? Would I feel guilty?

(Saying all that, I know if I said right now, this minute, that I wanted to have a baby, he would agree to go for it.)

I'll stop there as am struggling to type properly on my iPod. I'm glad you are back, LST, and it's lovely to hear from everyone else as well. I'm happy you are all here. (Cripes, I'm a bit emotional today. Please ignore me!)

Thanks, YTD - it is hard to have to do all the pushing (so to speak!) myself and to feel I'm coercing DH into something that will be very hard for both of us, and will compromise our relationship (though hopefully not fatally...). But I think he will be excited once it's a reality, if it ever is - and certainly will get on with it. And at least we're not going into IVF thinking this is the only way we can ever be happy (lucky us - I know many are in this boat) so in a way there isn't quite as much at stake. Having said that, am quite green at the moment, though perhaps, like you, still pale green!

Really hope it isn't too fraught for your DH and the whole doctor thing loses some of its aura of dread. Luckily, in a sense, I grew up around hospitals (my mother was a doctor) and DH had open heart surgery last year (though he's fine now) so we're both comfortable enough around medics and apparatus, if not wild about the medical side of any of it. (Not that HE, my DH that is, needs to worry too much...) I know exactly what you mean about all this fuss (to put it mildly) when I'm not sure myself and DH neutral-to-reluctant, but there is also that now or never feeling as I'm nearly 38, and 40 looms already in conceiving terms at least. And also exactly the same re. the drinking - though my doctor (fertility specialist, on the NICE fertility panel of experts etc.) didn't seem to think it was that significant in him at least, as long as his sperm count was ok and he could, ahem, perform - which is generally the case!

Things have been horrendously busy, in a good way, over the last few weeks/months as I've been doing my MSC, which has been very intensive, and also carrying on doing some work for my old university department (including organizing a small conference at the end of November), and doing quite a lot of volunteering that I'd committed too - madness. But all very rewarding - if I could be paid do to this combination of stuff, it would be great! In one sense have taken my eye off the TTC ball (these metaphors all become rather unfortunate/obscene in this context!). But the IVF train rolls on, which is good, so will get my priorities straight in the New Year!

Anyway, I'm all me me me now that I'm back - will write properly in response to others' posts soon. HNY to all!

Welcome back LST. Great to hear from you. Good news re the IVF clinic, I'm pleased to hear that things are moving forwards. Sorry to hear your DH is still not demonstrating much signs of keenness. Hopefully he'll catch up with you before long.

I suppose the whole IVF route exacerbates what is a fairly common position with lots of blokes, i.e. they they tend not to be at all keen until the deed is done and pregnancy is a reality. For friends of ours who are currently expecting, the DH was less than keen until my mate announced she was pregnant, now he is very excited by the propect. What those of us who have don't have the luck to get pregnant without assistance have to do is to try and generate some enthusiasm at a much earlier stage in the process, which is not always easy.

My poor DH has an appointment with the docs today to give a sample for the first round of testing that we are currently doing. He hasn't been to a doctors in 10 years and is terrified of the whole process, not least the expectation that he'll be able to 'produce' a sample on demand. I'm really pleased that he's now at the stage where he is willing to do this. I hope the dr gives him the hard word about cutting back on drinking. I have been hinting for months, but I think he'll have to be told by a professional for it toreally sink in.

It is strange, to be going to all this trouble to try to conceive, whilst still being not entirely sure if you are really ready for a child... However, today I am a pale green and feeling pretty ready.

Dear all,

Hello and HUGE apologies for suddenly disappearing and being away for AGES. And very touched that you have enquired and been concerned (and sheepish that you've had to be due to my rubbishness). Have just sat and read all the posts since I've been 'away'. Lots has been happening in your lives, by the sound of it, if not necessarily TTC-related. I don't really have a big reason - have had some lows over failing TC, and a short period of thinking 'no, I just don't want kids, so that's ok then' (short-lived!) but mainly have just been unbelievably manically busy.

Firstly, so so sorry to hear about your friend/ex, confused. How awful. My best friend had breast cancer and it was a very hard time. (That didn't end well, although was as 'good' as it possibly could be given that, but won't go on about that at this point.) I really really sympathize. It's great that you talked to him - doesn't have to be lengthy but from what I've heard from my friend and others it's just so good and helpful when people have the courage to talk to you and it restores a bit of normality.

Lots to say to all of you and hope you all had a good Christmas (despite sad news) - and welcome to new folk (though you could say the same to me by now!). Just briefly before I go, my news is that I've got appointments for an 'information seminar' and doctor's appointment at the IVF clinic in early February, and hopefully treatment will start soon after that. All very scary, and still a bit amber at times (if not downright red) - but generally green and keen to start, after a few low patches. And, on the positive side, Christmas with my gorgeous nephew who is just fab now and generally an advert for babies! DH is annoying me as usual with lacklustre attitude (at best) - doesn't want to come to the information seminar (which is practically compulsory for both of us) and the usual "can't you go and tell me what they said"... But never mind, he's on board now!

Love to you all and a very happy New Year and will write more soon. Apologies again for falling into a black hole - have missed you all and it's good to catch up. LST xx

happy christmas to all of you! am sat here with relatives, bit sozzled. there seem to be babies everywhere one looks. someone i know had a kid over christmas, and christmas of course involved more babies and children. closely observed how having one curtails (a) adult time (b) normal telly programmes (c) participation in any activity without having to rush off at the most exciting time eg movie climax (d) sleep, either during the day or the night (e) any time for self. ha!

good luck YTD !

Merry Chritmas ditherers, hope you've all had a good one. this is a sppedy fly past, as I am Mum's Netting whilst at my mum's (under the guise of transfering her favourite CDs onto iTunes, so she can play them on her new iPod).

We had a lovely Christmas, but Christmas without a BFP can be a bit painful at times. We are at my mum's house, along with my aunt and uncle and young cousin. I didn't drink on Christmas Eve (was tired and am trying to keep the voloume of alcohol low anyway) and my aunt noticed. During Christmas dinner (when i was knocking back the Sancerre with gusto) she said "well bang goes my theory - I thought you must be pregnant when you weren't drinking yesterday". She was having a bit of a laugh and meant well, but it felt like she'd thumped me!

I am very much struck with festive greenness. I want Christmas to be exciting and magical and for that you really do need a child. Either i take up HP's excellent suggestion and hire a couple for the season, or DH and i are going to have to make a proper effort this year and produce one of our own.

Confused glad to hear that your DH is trying to be supportive. It's going to be tough, but I think you'll have to accept that this is your grief, not DH's - he will be doing his best to support you, but he doesn't have the relationship with 'S' that you have, so is going to struggle to understand fully.

Ooh, nearly forgot to mention, I had my first bloodtest on wednesday (to check for progesterone levels) and go back again on NYE for teh 2nd lot o fhormone tests. that's should then be enough info to determine if I'm ovulating or not. DH is in on Wednesday to give a sample (he is not looking forward to it, poor lamb). So the new year should see us armed with enough info to determine if we are physically capable or not.

We are off to the inlaws tomorrow, so there will be more radio silence from me until next week. Hope you are all enjoying / enduring your festive break.

Merry Christmas to all the ditherers, and everyone who has posted advising us to just get on with it (Im looking at you, PawsandClaws). It's been great chatting with you all and has saved my sanity - so, thank you.

I hope Santa brings you everything you want, particularly if that is a BFP or even the ability to make a decision

Scary? Bloody terrifying more like!

Dear me, looking back at our posts, the majority of us sway so much from one side to the other it's ridiculous!

I've not much more to add really. As I too am off visiting, and certainly wouldn't want to be caught MNing on someone else's computer, I won't be around much. So, as Suerock has already said - lets hope that 2010 is full of nice suprises, and have a top Christmas everyone. It's been fab getting to know you, in a not really knowing you at all way ()

x

Just think, we could all be looking forward to Christmas with a 2-3 month old baby next year - now there's a scary thought!

HP has put into words what I was trying to formulate - even if your DH doesn't really understand what you are going through, confused, he can still support you, just as you, and all S's other friends, are supporting S. But it's good to hear that he's beginning to realise what it means to you. I hope your friend hears the outcome of the biopsy soon, and I've got everything crossed that the news is as good as it can be.

Glad to hear you survived your pre-Christmas visit to relatives, HP. We head off this evening to perambulate round all of ours. Seeing them is no great stress as I'm fond of them all (though some in smaller doses than others!) but I could do without the travelling. And given how muuch I've been agonising over the whole baby thing recently, my tolerance of well-meaning questions about when I might be thinking about starting a family will be lower than usual.... Or maybe I should tell them they have to ask DH for the answer to that

I won't be around much for the next week or so, so Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing time, and that the New Year brings decisions, reassuring blood tests, new homes, financial security, and hopefully lots of BFPs to all of us! Take care. xx

Hi HP,
I think YTD has to have her blood tests on the 31st, depending on her period. So, if it's next week - good luck!

Yes, peaks and troughs. Bit of a shaky morning but I can generally hold it together a bit more. I'll keep you all informed (ie - vent!)

Back in a sec (bit on and off as at work)

After the initial shock, it is bound to come in peaks and troughs, especially when you are waiting for results. It's good news that DH is being more supportive, it sounds like there is always going to be the barrier of the fact that 'S' is your ex. But you just need him for support, he has to help you cope and be there for you, rather than feel what you are feeling.

Christmas is a tricky one isn't it? All that build up, then one slightly odd day. I think most people are just glad of the time off work! I wonder if having kids brings back some of the, for want of a better word, magic? It seems to give the day more of a focal point, and excitement is contagious after all.

We have completed our family obligations with the visit oop north. It's always quite....challenging...as we have to stay with relatives and after a few days I really miss my own space. We are back home now, for a quiet Christmas by ourselves. The house is packed with food and gifts, so we will be ok!

If memory serves, I think YTD had some blood tests on the cards, depending on how her cycle fell. Hope all went to plan.

ps No, no peeeing on sticks! Currently can't think of anything worse!

Right, where were we...
Oh yes, Christmas. Even less in the mood than normal but, to be honest, I am not that into Christmas anyway. Reminds me of being in overheated houses feeling fit to burst and then hungover by 6pm. I used to prefer New Year but have gone off that a bit now too - this year we are off to see some very old friends in a caberet style show which will detract nicely from the fact that it's new year.

Sorry for the negativity. I am faring far better than I was this time last week but it still comes in waves.

DH apologised for being a bit crap when he came back from Belgium. But then added that he could see why it was so upsetting when he saw how many people were involved in the blog, and added if it was just me who was so upset he would think it was 'a bit weird.' So, he is being better all round but still doesn't understand AT ALL. He thinks 'ex boyfriend' rather than freind.

Friend, 'S', had a biopsy on Monday. Will know more re options when the results come through - not sure when that will be yet.

Anyway, enough of that as been going round in circles.

What are everyone's Christmas plans? We are going to a friends tomorrow then some other friends (very good friends I know from when I went out with the man who's now very ill - he's godfather to their eldest in fact) and then to DH's parents on the 27th. To my mum's on the 29th or thereabouts and back dawn sarf on the 2nd or 3rd.

I no longer have a sensible sized spare tyre - it is now the spare tyre of a truck.

LST - where are you and are you okay? Even if its very quick, so pop in. Hope everything is alright with you. x

Hello, Am at home with a glass of white wine sat by the fire. Have to work tomorrow but only until 2pm so it's not the end of the world. Took me over 2 hours to walk home today due to the bloody ice, I was sliding all over the place.

Oooh, DH back with chinese. Back later x

Hey all.

It's my last day with family, on way back dahn south tonight. Have had a mixed visit, but did get to spend some lovely time with neices and nephews. DH even spent an hour cuddling a six month old baby, which was.....unusual, but very cute. Anyway, am wildly swinging between bright red and intense green, on an hourly basis.

Confused - any news? How are you doing? I'm glad DH is getting hold of the situation, but it's just so sad for all involved that this is something you even have to begin to get your heads around. Keep venting.

Hope everyone has finished work and is sitting by respective fires/radiators/dogs/cats with a glass of something seasonal. And, is anyone doing any peeing on strips of hormone detection antibodies?

LST - are you out there? Hope you are ok.

Hi all,
This may be bitty as sat on sofa with DH.

Re my mate who's got cancer (saying 'who's ill' seems too much of an understatement) - they do get on, but they tend to see one another via me and with lots of other people. My DH seems to take things too seriously that S says when being silly, and S doesn't seem entirely comfortable with my DH.

However, me and DH went shopping today and then stopped off in the pub. DH said 'I didn't realise how big a thing this was until last night.' I haven't asked him what he thought before and what changed it, but, as a guess, I think he thought S was ill and had to have treament but didn't realise the actual scale and what it all means. He, DH, has been wrapped up in his trip to Belgium etc and not really thinking about much else. I think he is now more with it and, thankfully, has been great today. Lets hope it lasts...

Right, watching Strictly. Back later x

Am in family hell. PreChristmas tour of duty. Won't have chance to post much over coming days.

Confused, am thinking of you.

Take care all, drive carefully, we had a nightmare heading north.

That can be a bit difficult ie DH not getting on with an ex. I guess he needs to be back for sometime- am sure he will soon begin to understand why you are so upset. and an ex-who-never-became-a-friend-with-DH will take longer to get sympathy than an ex who did. sorry, i seem to be stating the obvious- just thinkng it out. i guess he just needs the weekend- work trips are never nice and it takes time to get back in the thick of it. so basicallu just give it some time- i guess he can logically understand but it isn't hitting him , yet at any rate.
was snowing earlier- drove down to meet family and not snowing here, but yes, bittely cold. take care all and load up on the wine!

Yup, sat at home with a glass of wine and very thankful not to be out.

The phonecall was okay, but quite brief. I was suddenly very conscious of not wanting to solely talk about 'the situation' but also felt rather at a loss what to talk about instead. Everything else seems extremley trivial really. So, was not on the phone for long (about ten mins) and wished him luck for Monday. We'll know more then.

DH has been a bit weird today, although it would be nice to not have to worry about him being weird at the moment. He met me after work - ten mins late - then we had a few drinks and came home. I then had a bath as was freezing but feeling scuzzy (due to cold weather but sitting in centrally heated rooms - and then came down and tidied up. I was tidying up all the stuff he had decided to leave on the kitchen table from when he got back yesterday, and also put the cups etc lying about in the dishwasher, hung the washing out that I put in last night (DH not been working today, by the way) and then, through gritted teeth, asked him if he had ordered the curry yet. He hadn't, so am doing that now too.

While these things would be mildly irritating normally, they are pissing me off right now. I feel like I want to be 'looked after' not walk on eggshells (although, to be fair, he is improving on that front) and sort things out. Instead I feel like he thinks I should look after him. By contrast, a friend of mine is sending regular texts and things and it feels really nice knowing someone is thinking of me.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Told you I needed to vent!

If any of you find a stapler for use on colleagues, please do let me know. It sounds just the thing to use on my boss's mouth

I hope your phonecall to your friend went well confused, and that he's doing OK. It sounds like he is managing to strike a balance between being positive and being realistic - and I take my hat off to anyone who can do that when just having been diagnosed with something like pancreatic cancer. I hope his blog, dark humour and stoic attitude help him through whatever the future throws at him. It's also good to hear that his treatment is progressing fast and the NHS isn't keeping him hanging around.

Sorry to hear about your row with your DH though - I hope things calm down over the weekend. It must've been really hard for both of you. I guess he didn't realise the seriousness of your friend's illness if he was comparing it to shingles or divorce? And it must be specially tough since the friend in question is specifically 'your' friend rather than the friend of both of you (why doesn't English have different words for 'your' singular and 'your' plural?). I think your DH needs to be supporting you here and not questioning why you're upset!

Anyway, I hope everyone's tucked up at home with a glass of wine and the heating turned up, and not stuck in a snowdrift. No snow down this way but it's bloody freezing out there.

• stapling colleague's face to desk!

DH has texted me saying he misses the cheerful me and feel's like S's illness is 'taking over our lives.' I had to point out that I have known this news for FOUR DAYS.

I think DH is starting to realise, but also cannot relate to it (he compared it to when he was getting divorced, he couldn't think of anything else when he was going through that). He does like the person involved but they wouldn't be friends in their own terms, and I think he does find it weird that I get on so well with my ex-boyfriend. However, my other ex-boyfriend who I am very good friends with he thinks is the bee's knee's - they call one another all the time!

It's all very very tricky, and the last thing I need is to fall out with DH about it. (We never fall out normally.)

Managed to contact S and giving him a call at lunchtime. Deep breaths, deep breaths...

Poor Confused, hang on in there, get through today and then it's the weekend. What a shame about the row, it seems like he feels like he has walked into a hurricane and hasn't realised the seriousness of the situation for you and your friend. It is funny (not ha-ha) how people react differently to illness and stressful events.

Try not to staple your colleagues face to her desk. Or do. Whatever makes you feel better.

Morning,
I realise he cannot be cured as such and that the only option will be chemo to treat it. Guess we'll know on Monday (am guessing he'll get the results as soon as possible and read that it can sometimes be the same day...?) My friend's dad had it in his liver and he had chemo that worked very well for a while - think he had another year before he started to get sick anyway. We shall see.

Yes, DH came back last night and we ended up having a ginormous row in the pub (I was shaking with rage.) In short, he didn't get why I am so cut up AT ALL (he seemed to think that his dad having shingles was equally worrying) but, thankfully, I think he does now.

After the large drama we went back home and I showed him the blog thing that my friend is doing, along with all the messages of support (and, as he requested, 'dark humour.') I think it is sinking in a bit.

I think he has been very wrapped up with his trip to Belgium and won't have thought about it much, or have seen me and how I've been. He was also pissed off that I was on the phone most of Wednesday night talking to other people about my friend who is ill when he wanted to ring and tell me how it was going with the Belgian company he was visiting - I think this is when I flipped. Anyway, it's (sort of) better now.

Still feel like a wrung out dishrag though (and very short tempered, the woman who sits opposite me is driving me up the wall so may have to go for a walk...)