Help...when to have children?

SOunds like the inevitable pressure from all round having children and I really sympathise. Like you've both said, it's the fact you can't go back (don;t fret - I'm under similia pressure and thinking the same as you about having another child! Check out the one child threads - it's the same type of anxiety applied to having one child!) 2 close friends of mine feel very similiar to both of you (and one has just got 2 dogs!) Think the pet substitute is a bit of a red herring and frankly rather insensitive to you. You'll get lots of people projecting their desire for family onto you but it must be your decision. However, I'm also quite sure that everyone that has children is not 100% certain! Peer pressure and people saying you should is not a good enough reason to but worrying about your capabilities as a mum is not a good enough reason not to as I suspect reading from your posts you are both caring and loving people that if they had children, their children would occasionally roll their eyes and and say with a smile 'it's just mum, she's such a worrier!

Of Lyra's points:

1. Yep, was worried about that
2. Yep, was worried about that
3. Yep, was worried about that
4. Yep, was worried about that
5. Yep, was worried about that
6. Yep, was worried about that
7. Comes with the territory

Still worry about worrying and I suspect I always will - but mostly it just gets blown away when I look at dd. She's worth all the worry in the world (you may wish to add your own nauseous emoticon ).

Raychill, that is a really interesting point, that has never occurred to me. I shall ponder further.

ljhooray8, Igivein*, thank you for advising us, I thought perhaps MN would be the absolute worst place to post, almost by definition IYSWIM, but no-one has been mean to Winnie and me yet!

Worrying about worrying, I believe that's known as meta-worrying, I'm a big fan.

We have a pet, a dog, he was found on the street and was going to be put down, so that was a decision that took almost no worrying at all, we just had to have him. All done and dusted in about 3 days.

Some people say that if you get a pet you must actually want a child, it's a child substitute etc, but that winds me up no end, if I want a glass of wine does it mean I actually want a bacardi breezer?

But my point was actually going to be - I wanted a dog, I knew I wanted a dog, we got a dog. And for another e.g., I wanted to marry my husband, I married him. Surely something as big as motherhood, you should know that you want it before you attempt it?

I'm 90% sure that if age was not an issue, I would not be on MN today.

Husband, by the way, knew I didn't want children when we got together, but over the last year has started moving in the direction of "not wanting to be without a family forever" - and I guess he is one of the main reasons I'm here.

the best thing in the world is being a mummy go for it,me and dh ttc no 4 i have 3 kids ds1,19,dd1,16,ds2 2.6 only the youngest is his tho

I was never clucky, always had a full life, busy city person. Not that great at relationships.

Had my baby 18 months ago aged 40 - my strongest feeling in those first few weeks (apart from that of love) was that I wished I had her 20 years earlier as then I would have 20 more years to love her.

I guess my point is although having a baby late was the right thing to do, we don't often think about how many years we have at the other end of my life - and how much richer life is with my daughter in it. Everything else became meaningless.

I have no regrets, but I'd have children much earlier if I could go back in time. I'd give up 10 years of freedom & parties & lie-ins, for 10 more years of being a Mum.

I know I know I know!! All of that! All of it! I really feel you are another me writing this, it's freaking me out a bit!

The seven points I'm scared of were just a starter for ten, or should I say seven - my full list has about 25 headings with subsections. Well really it's more of a matrix, as it includes all the options of child hating me/me hating child/marriage going off the rails due to child etc., and a variety of ways in which one or all of us might die. Should we try to deal with our individual fears one by one, do you think, or try to stop thinking and just act?

Something else I struggle with is the finality of it - there are very few other choices in life that I can think of where there is absolutely no way back. Where you live, the job you do, who you marry (and indeed whether you stay married), all of these important things can be changed, but once you have a child you have a child forever. Eek.

ALL my friends either have children or know they want them, so I don't get anywhere trying to discuss with them - just get funny looks.

It doesn't help that I don't have any URGES, as it were - broodiness, body clock ticking, womanly stirrings, womb-twanging - whatever you call it, I don't have it. If I lived in a bubble, I don't think the idea of having a child would ever have occurred to me - the fact that I'm even considering it is based almost entirely on society telling me that "it's what we're here for", and that I don't have forever to think about it.

What does your husband think about all of this?

Yes, I did Google to get here, and yes, you can call me Lyra!

I felt much the same as you. Then when i was about 35 I started thinking 'wouldn't it be awful to be old and not have a family' so we decided to start trying. There wasn't any feeling of yearning for a baby or anything, I just felt if we were going to try we'd better get on with it!
DS didn't arrive until I was 42, now I realise every day how blessed I am to have him. My only regret is that I didn't start sooner, so I could have had more.

WinneP and RunLyra - could give you both a great big hug!
You both sounds like you'd make great mums! Not giving a monkeys IMO is worse than being a worrier! All the worries you list (expect for no 7!) do not last forever, regretting not having children and really wanting them after all will. All of us on MN will have experience none, some or all of what you've listed but can't imagine too many will post that they would have it any other way.
My advice - if you go for it, nurture supportive friendships to see you through and the rest will come (even if at first its terrifying! - but hey, I always loved the scariest rides at Alton Towers, so I'm well prepared!)
I am such a 'what if' person and even decided at 8mths pg that I must have made a terrible mistake, knew naff all about babies and would be the worst mum in history! Bit late by then! Now with a dd 2.5yrs, I feel like the luckiest person in the world (even at 5am!)

WinnieP, thank you for starting this thread, you've prompted me to become a member of the forum in order to respond. I'm still not sure I'm in the right place but I didn't know where else to go. It's amazing to think that other people might be able to relate to how I feel. I could have written the OP myself, every word you said describes how I feel - except I think I'm even more confused/anxious/terrified if that's possible!

I'm 33, been married for 3 years, until this year thought I would never never never want a child (for all the reasons I'm about to list below)... but now I'm thinking:

"It could be kind of brilliant to have a small person in our lives, who we love and who loves us back"
And "I don't want it just to be me and my DH in 10 years time, looking at each other and regretting not having a family"
And "If we're going to do it then we'd better start trying now"

BUT I am also absolutely petrified of EVERYTHING, including:

1. Not being able to get pregnant (I have PCOS and don't think I ovulate, currently having serial progesterone tests to find out)
2. Getting PG but then M/C'ing
3. Getting PG but hating being PG...
4. Giving birth (so so scared about this)
5. Something going horribly wrong at some point during either preg or birth, for me and/or the baby, baby having medical probs etc.
6. Not bonding with the baby, having PND, being lonely and clueless as to how to be a mum...
7. Being worried worried worried every day for the rest of my life about child's wellbeing.

Sorry if this is a) a bit full on for a first post, and b) hijacking WinnieP's thread, but I've been worrying about all of this stuff for years and it's a relief to get some of it off my chest.

Basically I'm a complete control freak and can't get my head around doing something I have little or no control over.

My lovely husband thinks we should just ditch the condoms and increase the amount of sex we have - that's about the start and end of it to him! But he also thinks I should have counselling to talk about some of my fears before we TTC.

Would be interested to know what people on here think - perhaps I should just get over myself and embrace life!? Or perhaps some people aren't meant to have children and I'm one of them (although that thought makes me want to cry).

I'm 41 and had my first(!?) dc in November last year. Wasn't really bothered about kids, neither was dh but god I'm glad I did. Our life has changed completely, as has our relationaship and I've only had about two hours on my own in the last seven months but I really don't mind (if you knew me before you'd know how out of character that is)

As for you being overly anxious. I promise you - you will not be the mum you think you'll be! I have ocd and was really worried about inflicting it on dd - but it's been pretty much ok. You'll be anxious about everything at first but then over the weeks and months you pick and choose your anxiety attacks! You're too bloody tired to be anxious all the time anyway!

Just do it - I would lay money on you not regretting it.

I'd just stop with the birth control and see what happens

But seriously - how much do you value your freedom - because thats the main issue I've found with a lot of my friends who have now had children. The loss of it. (yes I realise some people will manage to fit their child/ren around their routine, but I dont think thats the 'norm')

I don't massively mourn that - once I got to my 30's I wasnt that bothered about going out and stuff - I'd done some travelling and I was never the sort to head off every weekend on adventures.

The baby stage I found pretty horrendous, but DS is 2 now and life has got gradually easier. Its very different now, but its great in its own way. I never regret having DS, although I'm pretty daunted at having another one on the way. I love DS more than anything and he is the most amazing (and yet annoying, frustrating, and flipping hard work) thing that has ever happened to either me or DH.

You will never regret having children, but you might well regret not having them or leaving it too late. My advice is don't think about it too much, just go for it.

Hi there,
agree with lots that has already been said and ou know know matter how prepared or not you feel, the lfe change is enormous. But I have had the same conversation with a close friend of mine - she is not at all sure but it's a question of which situation you would regret more. My two bf are both incredibly worriers and amazing mums! You'll worry about having them and not having them!
There are namy reasons for the time not being right, so I'm not sure that is a good enough reason not to, but I do wonder with some friends of mine that now we are all mid 30's, being surrounded by children is putting on the pressure.
Sounds like you and dh need to really explore your feelings about wanting children. I adore dd but it is utterly life changing and up to about 18mths old I'll admit there were moments I realy missed my pre baby life, but she's not 2 and a half and the total light of my life.

I don't think I was entirely ready to have children. We knew that we wanted them at some point and Dh had always said that he didn't want to be an old Dad, so we decided the time was right when I turned 30. I still didn't really feel old enough at 30 though!!

We didn't want to leave it much later as we had seen the trouble friend's had been having TTC and wanted to allow time if there were any problems.

We were extremely lucky and conceived straight away, which scared me a bit as I wasn't sure I felt ready and had expected it to take longer.

The first few months were hellish, but having children is the best thing I ever did. DS is just so fantastic, and now I'm expecting no 2.

I don't know anyone that has regretted having kids although it is a lot of hard work.

I say go for it!!

Hi winnie,
I'd like to refer you to this thread here

My DS1 has special needs, DS2 is NT, I think I was born to be a mother, I always wanted children. It has been extremely hard work (specially due to DS1's hard work),but, I don't regret it, not one bit. Love my boys with all my heart and my life would be one empty whole without them.

However, there are people that unfortunately do regret having children. Personally, I think you need to be sure before you have them.
I have a friend who had an unplanned pregnancy, her son is 3 now, and although she loves him, she really is not enjoying motherhood at all and misses her previous life.

I don't know about when to start TTC as I've always wanted children, but I can say I was petrified of being an anxious Mum. TBH, unless I've though of at least 3 'if it goes wrong' options for anything, I tend to not sleep well.

But, I 'acquired' a 12 year old girl who's parents were rubbish and I did youth work with her. Ended up doing school runs, ambulance trips, headmaster meetings, etc, had numerous sleepless nights and migraines but definitely got more relaxed generally as I acquired a 'if it doesn't kill me it'll make me stronger' attitude. She's now 19 and a great joy. I may not have given birth to her or been her Mum but even though she still cocks up, I'm incredibly proud of her.

I also now have a DSS (got married last year) who is 8 and, I'm much more relaxed. I still worry but I think as with my 'pretend daughter' things were so bad, I now have a better grip on what's really important. I think it's a case of jumping in at the deep end (I do realise this isn't all too comforting, but believe me, you'll swim).

Oh and we're now talking about TTC my first biological child and I hope I don't discover it's different when my genetics are involved!!

have them now. i dont think i ever would have done if i had waited till i felt ready. too easy to miss the boat I have several friends who have delayed and are now struggling

Hi there! You sound exactly like me. DH and I were together for ages before we got married and had always said that we didn't want kids. Then my sister had a baby, and I suddenly started feeling differently, because I adored her DD and somehow began to be able to imagine myself as a mother, which I never could before. I never exactly felt broody, but I did start to think that I probably wanted kids after all. DH never really did, TBH, but in the end we decided that my desire to have them was greater than his desire not to have them (plus I usually get my own way ). Anyway, we started TTC when I was in my early thirties and I was very fortunate to get pregnant immediately. DS is now 20 months and, although we had a very difficult first few months, he is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. It's hard to describe the amazing and unique feeling of being a parent. And I'm glad to say that DH now feels pretty much the same way. I'm now TTC2 and having a few problems in that department (which I won't bore you with). And while I'm upset that I might not be able have any more DC, the thought that if I'd left things a couple more years I might not have had DS at all, makes my blood run cold. I hope I'm not being irresponsible - but I say go for it!!

As for the anxiety thing - you can console yourself with the fact that every parent is anxious, even if they weren't before they had kids!!! Sorry, that sounds a bit flippant. Yes, you will have sleepless nights fretting about your DC (I think my latest was worrying about what would happen if DS ended up having a motorbike in about 16 years' time ), but I really wouldn't let that put you off having children.

^ boozing and eating crap as we speak