I want a baby but Im frightened..

What a fright you must have had - how horrible. There is a company called Nourish who do a HypnoConception CD which basically helps you to foget past childbirth fears and look forward to a new baby etc etc - they also have a list of people who can specifically help with birth trauma etc - they have a website www.nourish-fertility.com. Good luck - I hope you get the confidence to try again.

hi nikkisherri ive just read your story and it sounds like i wasnt alone with a bad birth exp i had an awful time and swore id never have another baby after my first son was born but to make a long story short i got pg on the pill worried myself sick for nine months an ended up with another lovely baby boy had no problems at all i told the midwife what id been through before and she was great and she monetered me to make sure everything went ok and now im glad to say ive just had a baby girl and i didnt feel like i had a baby at all it was great u were like me and just had a really bd midwife next time please god u can ask to c the placenta and they shuld b able to show u it intact and they should give u a scan before u go home to make sure they got it all and just remember there should never be ay glots bigger than a 50p everthing should work out fine i think everyone has a bad first time exp but dont let that hold u back or u might regret it and now they no what to look out for and u just make sure your happy leaving the hospital good luck go for it and let me no how u get on

Wishing you well at your appointment whenever that maybe, We are all rooting for you.

My best friend had a bad experience whilst in hospital that nearly cost her her life but she has since gone back to the hospital to talk about what happened and why and it really helped her to move on. Perhaps talking to a professional would help to reassure you and if they know you've been through so much I'm sure they would give you extra care ie. midwives at your local surgery. Why don't you book an appointment to visit them? It's a positive move before you even try to conceive. Good Luck

nikkisherri - you really must get an appointment with your GP to discuss your fears. He could arrange an appointment with an obstetrician or senior midwife who could go over all your questions with you. Are you in the UK? I see in your post a doctor delivered your baby. Did you need a hand with forceps? Did you have a midwife visiting you daily when you got home?

As has been said already, great care would be taken to try and ensure this did not happen again. At delivery the placenta and membranes are checked to see if they are complete. I have to say that sometimes it can be difficult to tell, but sometimes it is obvious that the membranes are really ragged or the placenta looks as if there is a piece missing. If placenta is missing then the woman is taken to theatre to have it removed. If the membranes are ragged then she is observed for excess bleeding. Membranes are usually passed on their own.
In your case, there would be vigilance on the professional's part, therefore keeping a close eye on things. It is unlikely that this would happen again.
You would need a lot of support to help you through another pregnancy but I am sure that you would feel more reassured by speaking to someone who would be involved.

Loads of best wishes nikkisherri - as bubble99 says "get goin' girl"

nikkisherri. Go for it! Keep telling yourself that your next experience of childbirth need not be as traumatic and get goin' girl! I'm going to start actively trying in three months time, on my birthday so hopefully I'll be waddling along behind you soon.

I'm shocked at the way you were treated no wonder you are scared. Yes, similar experience had an emergency c-section after labouring 24hours. Next morning I had a lot of bleeding but the midwife said oh its fine, not even looking under the bed clothes. I could feel it whooshing out under my bottom and there was just a square pad under me and I could feel it was saturated but again this was my first baby and I didn't know any better. Isaid again to a diiferent midwife who came in to check over me and she just ignored me and said oh it will be fine, by this point I was getting angry and I was in so much pain with having just had a c-section, I leaned slightly forward with just enough energy to pull the blankets back and said please look, her face just fell and the emergency buzzer was pressed, my bed was covered in blood, they rushed me into theatre and removed what they said was a tiny peice of placenta. I came back from theatre to find I was internally packed with gauze types bandages IYKWIM. I was put on atibiotics and stayed in hospital for 8days after that I still lost another 1500ml so they could'nt calculate the full blood loss. It took a few weeks to recover as probably you would have done. But happy to say 4 years later I did have another baby but not before I had been to a pre-natal talk with a midwife who discussed all my fears with me I then spoke to a consultant when I was a few weeks pg and he assured me it would be a safe birth. I had a vg delivery this time round and only had a small pp haemorage and although I did have a womb infection 3 weeks later I was given antibiotics at home and recovered quickly seemingly both my placentas were very ragged membranes and not quite as complete as they would have liked hence the bleeding and infections. But please make an app with your local midwife who would be happy to discuss your fears and be able to explain in more detail what happened to you she may even refer you to someone at your local midwifery hospital to speak with you. Good luck on your decision.

Nothing constructive to add, but couldn't read that and not comment. What a horrific experience. I hope you can find a way to move on. Best wishes xxx

nikkisherri. Reading your post makes me feel sad and angry at the same time. So sad for what you've been through and so angry that your experience of what should have been such a wonderful time was so traumatic. I don't know too much about retained placenta, I know the placenta is examined after expulsion/removal but I suspect if it is a tiny fragment it may be 'missed.' Mears, or any other of our wonderful ex or practising midwives may be along shortly and read this, I'll keep bumping it in case they're passing.
With reatained and infecting placenta your temperature would have steadily increased with infection, did your GP check your temperature at all?

I'm not remotely surprised by your fear of pregnancy after this even though you desperately want to have another child. I've very recently been through an horrendous experience during labour when one of my healthy, full term twins needlessly died. We want to have another child soon to give our new son the little sibling he should have had. I had always felt so confident about pregnancy and childbirth before but now, if we are lucky enough to conceive again, I know that my next birth will be tinged with so much sadness and worry and I hate the people/circumstances that have caused this.

You can overcome this. You have come here and talked to us about it. Keep coming here and keep talking as often as you want.

Love BubbleXX

I have no advice except to say that your experience was TRULY HORRIFIC and whatever you do, make sure you are surrounded by LOTS of people who understand that and can give you the excellent and compassionate care you deserve. xxx

nikkisherri, couldn't pass by without posting although I can't possibly compare your trauma with mine and wouldn't wish to. My bad experience having DD was filed away in my head until pg with DS two years later. Floodgates opened, but had a wonderful midwife who listened, helped and advised throughout my first appointment. 7 months later she walked into the theatre as they were about to deliver my ds by csection as she had just come on duty and if I hadn't been flat out so to speak i would have hugged for giving me the strength to enjoy my pregnancy and have my DS. My only advice is to speak to the midwives and other carers and gain strength from them and I'm sure you will be well looked after. HTH

nikkisherri - what a traumatic experience. Next time the doc should at least check so that it can't happen again. I had a pph right after giving birth to dd3- I thought here's something worse than childbirth & it's happening right now. Felt awful to get through the birth just to have to get through a pph - a very frightening time. All the advice given is spot on - talk it through - don't let it stop you having another baby. I know it is easy to write but each birth is different - your next birth could heal the issues the first birth experience gave. If you want a baby - go for it!! xxx

My mum had a huge PPH after she came home from hospital with my db (so probably about 2-3w PP) and ended up back in hospital.

But she went on to have two more children with no PPH.

So it may not happen again, plus with your history the medical staff will be extra-vigilant.

I agree that you do need some sort of counselling. It really can help. I had issues with my first birthing (long story, not particularly relevant here), and didn't realise it until I was pg again. But a session of discussion with a midwife made a huge difference to me and enabled me to go forward to my next birthing with confidence and a sense of security. Also, the counselling and therapy that I had for my PND gave me emotional and practical tools that helped in other parts of my life, including pregnancy, labour and post-natal issues. So I do recommend counselling. The problem is in your head, not your body. Please don't take that comment badly, it's not meant to be rude or offensive...though I admit it's a little blunt.

Was the counselling for PND or post traumatic stress disorder? I think the latter could well have caused the first, sorry to pick you apart like that. Did the counsellor recognise this?

I think everyone is right when they say this is unlikely to happen again but it's true you need to "debrief" about your experience before you move on. I don't know how you would feel about this but it may be worth arranging through your GP to see an obstetrician. He can get the notes from your last experience and go through it all thoroughly with you. There may be a lot you don't remember and this may help to get it all sorted in your head.

nikkisherri, that is so appalling - what happened to you. It was obviously a catalogue of errors! I have absolutely no problem seeing why you feel the way you do.. I would too..if not worse!!

I think you could do with counselling too.. but with someone who specialises in helping people who have been traumatised by birth-related experiences.. I'm sure your current GP or nurse at the surgery would be able to sort this out for you.. or point you in the right direction. Then you will be able to get specialised help to get over you awful expereince and reassured by proper medical statistics relating to how unlikely anything like this would be to happen again.

Wishing you loads of luck and love.. and a healthy pregnancy, labour and birth experience followed by a healthy baby and healthy you, at the end of it!

SJ x

My God, poor you - what a horrific experience to have gone through. I have no medical knowledge whatsoever so can't offer any advice in that sense, but like Flossam has said, I would have thought that the likelihood of the same thing happening again are very slim. I really hope that you can overcome this! I took a long time to have my second, and its truly the best thing I ever did in my life. Good luck xx