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Original poster

How To Tell Someone TTC "I Pregnant"

37 replies

Waiting2Exhale · 29/10/2008 14:24

Hi ladies....really need your kind advice. Please don't shoot me for posting here or be mad that I have invaded the conception board....

Alittle background...
I have been ttc for over a year and half. My sister who is in her 40s and posibily now pre-menepausal has been trying for about 5 or more years. We both have one child. Recently she has sought fertility treatment and we were gonna do this together. However, just before the appointment I found out I was pregnant and though happy unsure what to do. Although we both still went to the appointment I made an excuse of not being sure and decided that I'd wait and support her. She has had a real hard time of it and is currently having her eggs retrevied. I am so hoping this works for her so that I can tell her but if it doesn't was wandering what I should do. If any of you were her, what would you want from me? Should I wait until the 12wk scan is over (as I have had a previous m/c so this little bean may not even stick), or should I include her early on as this may make her feel part of the whole thing or it may make her resent being around me.... seriously don't know what to do...PLEASE HELP...All advice welcome, and sorry again for posting here but this seemed the most logical place to go... x

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 29/10/2008 15:39

The 12 week rule was really to ensure that the pregnancy was viable, but I'd always tell people before this as I'd also want them to know if I had a miscarriage....

I think you should be honest with her; that you have been struggling with how to tell her as you know it's a sensitive area, etc...

Besides, as you sound really close, it will give her hope...

londonlottie · 29/10/2008 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BrightSideOfLife · 29/10/2008 15:16

Mrshappy - sorry, we cross posted. Very sorry to hear about your mc, completely agree about having a cry after hearing my friends news. I was crying for 'me' though - not for their news and although it was awkward for a little while afterwards, it did get better.

BrightSideOfLife · 29/10/2008 15:13

Hi Waiting,

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck - I hope this little one sticks!

Just to echo what Gravytrain and Tripping said - I wouldn't tell her face to face.

I have been on the other side of this - I lost a baby at 10 weeks in March this year and very soon afterwards, two close friends told me they were pregnant. They were both very considerate and told me privately - one took me out for coffee and told me then, the other phoned me and told me over the phone. The phonecall was BY FAR easier to handle. Being told in a coffee shop was difficult because I had to try to compose myself, in a public place - whilst I really just wanted 5 minutes alone to digest the news.

I am (of course!) very, very happy for both of them...but there is no denying that it was difficult at the time.

Good luck!

Original poster
Waiting2Exhale · 29/10/2008 15:12

Wow guys...thanks loads for your responses...am now thinking of telling her sooner rather than later. However as she is currently, and I mean, today, going through the retrieval process, I think I will at least wait a few more days....am so dreading it.

Trippingthelightfanjtastic I did actually tell her about the miscarriage earlier this year at the time it was happening. The thing is because of that I don't think she would mind if I said nothing until after the 12wk scan as I think she would understand why I might do that. However as this all falls around xmas don't want to ruin her festive hols so have decided to wait until at least 8/9 weeks pg before saying anything as lost the last a 7wks pg.

OP posts:
MrsHappy · 29/10/2008 15:09

I have just lost a baby and one of my good friends has just told me that she is pregnant (due when my baby should have been). While I am pleased for her it does hurt and would hurt no matter when she had told me.

Whatever you do, when you tell her make sure you are alone. I cried when I heard my friend's news which was kind of embarassing.

Maybe consider calling her first. I've been in this situation twice and it was easier when I was told over the phone. I put on a happy voice for 30 seconds then did my crying in private and had a chance to pull myself together before I next saw/spoke to that friend.

I think also I would be inclined to tell her sooner rather than later. This one is a tough call because it will hurt no matter what, but I think that it might make her feel better to know that, just as she is including you in her IVF process, you are including her in what is going on with you.

I don't believe she will resent being around you. It just might take her a while to digest the news.

CoteDAzur · 29/10/2008 14:35

If it was my sister, I would be hurt that she waited until 12 weeks to tell me, as if I were some stranger at work.

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic · 29/10/2008 14:30

I think Gravytrain is on the right tracks Don't tell her face-to-face (whenever it is) let her have some time to digest it in private.

MrsTittleMouse · 29/10/2008 14:29

Why would anyone shoot you? You are trying to do the best thing for your sister.

Everyone is different, but from my experience -
Please don't tell her in front of anyone else, so that she doesn't have to put on a brave face.
I'd lean towards telling her earlier, just so that you don't have to lie to her.
She might resent you at first - not because you have done anything wrong, just because she's going through something very difficult and might well have PMT symptoms from the treatment. I'd leave it up to her if she wants to see less of you for a while. Hopefully she'll be able to enjoy your pregnancy and her new niece/nephew after the shock has worn off.

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic · 29/10/2008 14:28

To me not saying anything to her is lying by omission. You're clearly pretty close, if she finds out at twelve weeks she may feel you've lied by not mentioning over the previous 8 weeks. ANyway if you did have a miscarriage would you never ever mention it/that pregnancy to her?

Difficult though. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things work out for both you and your sister.

GoodGravytrain · 29/10/2008 14:28

I feel for you, I had to tell a friend I was pregnant shortly after she lost a baby at 10 weeks, there was just no good way to do it. But I think in retrospect I shouldn't have done it face to face - she might have wanted some time to formulate her response, feel whatever she had to feel about it without me standing there

cuttingmeownthroatdibblaaaargh · 29/10/2008 14:28

I'd wait until after your 12 week scan. And then go and see her, in her home, with no one else around and tell her. Say that you know it will be hard for her.

However, if you are going to wait, it might be best not to tell anyone else - the last thing she will want is to find out in a casual convo with someone else

Congratulations btw