Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

OK - I think I get the drowning thing now. I guess that must be true.

I think that the difference is that, once you have once dc, you have less time (and energy) to get frustrated at not getting bfp - and more easily distracted when you are frustrated anyway - but also when you're looking at your dc and wondering how it would change their life - for better or worse, if you did have another...

Hi treats - didnt mean it to sound like one was worse than the other, more like what clairePO says - whichever way you drown its still drowning IYSWIM. And I thin thats what the person who said it meant as she was a person who had gone through primary fertility problems for many years then managed to concieve and then felt that her secondary infertility was as bad as the primary...euurrrghh I am confusing myself now! But I guess everyone is different, a colleague at work struggled to get PG then concieved and now has a 2 year old and she is the WORST person for always telling me I should be grateful for having DS (I KNOW! I am grateful but I still fugging well want another!!)

I think the drowning thing is, whichever way you are still drowning. Just like not conceiving, whether it is primary or secondary, whichever way you are not conceiving.

Hi pinkmook - I think one of the reasons that FTC is still difficult after having had a child is because you feel guilty for wanting to have another so badly. You feel like you SHOULD be content. And both you and mistlethrush have said just that in your posts.

And some people feel guilty for not being able to give their DC a brother or sister. At least as a ttc#1er, I don't have that!!

I'm not sure I agree with that person's drowning analogy - it implies that primary infertility feels ten times worse than secondary infertility. From the posts I read on here from all types of women at different stages in their lives, I'm sure that that's not true!!

2nd mc I had 3 months of worry that mp coming back - and worry about how on earth I would cope with ds and chemo... Dh definitely put off. Dh I think is my main problem in fact - he is very good at the rhythm method (what is it about musicians) - although he doesn't make a 'big thing' about counting, I'm sure he does - which means that chances of bfp are very low at the best! I think finances also prey on dh's mind - it would definitely be tough - it desn't put me off as I would love anther and ds would be a fabulous big brother... However, chances are rather slim now. Age, problems in conceiving anyway, and dh!

I think what I find worst is people complaining about their 2nd, their 3rd, their pregnancy etc. I also find it really difficult when I see someone with a small child smoking a cigarette - I'm sorry if I annoy or insult people on this thread - not meant - but I consider smoking around young children an absolute outrage - they can't do anything about the harm that is being done to them.

I empathise with all of you that don't have any dc and still are trying - certainly, the mc that I had pre - ds was complete anguish. Mc after ds havn't been as raw - perhaps as I know how lucky I am to have ds - but there is still a dull ache there all the time that occasionally surfaces...

GTG - I made the mistake of telling him [stupid early days optimism emoticon] when it wass early days and I thought we would have another DC within weeks and he kept asking when we were going to have one and in the end I ended up saying we cant He always notices new borns and says "aw mummy look at the little tiny baby isnt it cute" which breaks my heart but at least now he has stopped saying "when can we have a brother or sister"

Treats - "I meant to add that, even though I'm currently child-free, I'm not one of those who thinks that those who already have children should consider themselves 'lucky'. I can totally understand that ftc is always painful - even if you've already had a baby." Its true I find FTC very hard despite having a DS but yet know I should just be grateful for what I have. Someone once likened secondary infertility and primary infertility to the difference between drowning in 2 feet of water and drowning in 20 feet of water! IYSWIM. I dont know - all I do know is, its bloody hard.

Hi there,

I totally understand how you feel. I have been TTC for 6 years now, yes I am only young but I've been in a stable relationship for 9 years and all I have ever wanted to be is a mother! .

Was referred to hospital about 3 years ago and then after many tests etc was put on clomid, only on it for 2 months and developed a cyst! I then relocated from north to south london, so had to switch hospitals and be referred AGAIN. Now been through all tests again, been here for nearly a year and haven't even been given an appointment to go and see the Dr at the ACU. Totally at the end of my tether, can't get back on Clomid until I know the cyst has gone. If I had the money I'd go private for IVF. Anyway there's the background...sorry very long winded! But everywhere I go I see pregnant people or new babies...yesterday went shopping and commented to DH that I had seen 5 new born babies in the space of half an hour...can't help but feel someone's rubbing it in my face. All friends have children, my best friend has a 8 yr old son and has the cheek to moan to me how she wants another baby because she is so concerned about the age gap...!! I have to keep reminding her that at least she has a child. I am full of jealousy and envy and trying to keep my head up. It's been very theraputic typing this. Good luck everyone, lets hope we are expecting soon!! x

GtG - yes, but I do feel blessed to have ds. Had a hellish time before him - got to top of IVF list, conceived, mmc at 11wks, erpc (on holiday, bank holiday weekend, no accommodation anywhere for dh nearby...) - followed by 3 months of strange bleeding, visits to Drs 'Oh, its fine, its just taking a while for your body to get sorted out' before a locum saw me when I had a heavy bleed, actuall examined me, sent to scan following day, further erpc (lost 1.5l in op) - thinking all OK until bleed 2 wks later - go in for additional scan on a Friday lunchtime, get admitted immediately, large venflon in hand (OUCH, no anasthetic) just in case I had another big bleed, carted down to Sheffield by ambulance on a Saturday, not nice tests Monday, and chemo starting Mon pm.... then 4 months chemo, followed by year of not being allowed to ttc.... Sorry, needed to get that off my back.

So, after that, ds really quite a miracle - particularly as I got to the top of the IVF list again, and had my appointment to name the day that treatment would start 3 days after bfp...

MainiA - yes, got really sick of secretary here who was due 2w before my latest edd. I felt really sick - did anyone know (apart from dh) - no. Ds was huge - and I did get uncomfortable - but no gripes - I was pregnant ffs. And yes, going back to work when you're still woken at night on a regular basis is not great - but that's what having a child is all about isn't it.

Wine is the only consolation. And putting on my pencil skirt and stilettos, knowing that I couldn't wear them if I were pregnant.

The consolation is fleeting, though......

ClairePO I think I hit a nerve

GTG that's awful with the bump

People are so tactless yet you're scared that if you say something they'll treat you as a loon.

the worst that happened to me was a pregnant 'friend' saying "Go on, feel my bump, you can share it." Aaaaggghh! I didn't want her stupid bump. I wanted MY stupid bump!

Treats 'what you need to do is....' makes me want to scream and scream and scream and say shut up you silly cow you have no fucking idea.

Best one was - 'what you need to do is. have sex every three days, it only took us 5 weeks to conceive that way' well there you go. The answer to all our prayers.

maidinamerica seven years

I meant to add that, even though I'm currently child-free, I'm not one of those who thinks that those who already have children should consider themselves 'lucky'. I can totally understand that ftc is always painful - even if you've already had a baby.

I'm signing up too. I'm ttc-ing my first and been trying for a year. In that same period of time, I've had no fewer than 11 friends give birth or announce a pregnancy.

It wasn't too bad to begin with - I just kept thinking "My turn next" - but it has started to really get to me. I've been quite honest with most of my close friends so thankfully we haven't had too many insensitive remarks. But the worst bit is when friends who've had babies try to be "helpful" and say "What you need to do is........" As if we didn't know!!!!

While it frustrates me that I've never been able to conceive, I do feel so sorry for those of you who've experienced mc's - especially multiple ones. I think it must be much harder for you to feel that sense of loss, than it is for me, who hasn't yet had anything to lose. If I do finally get a BFP I think I'll feel quite tormented - delighted to finally be pregnant but so afraid of how I'll feel if I should lose it. Sending my best wishes to you all.....

Thank goodness someone has said the 'unmentionable'. We're now in our 7th year of TTC. A gazillion tests, horrific calender BD, IUI, IVF and now IVF with an egg donor in California. And we've managed one pg which didn't make it beyond 6 wks. I get so angry at my friends who have NO IDEA how hard it is for some and complain endlessly about feeling sick, or getting up in the night or whaterever. At least in the time we've been trying almost everyone we know has had their two perfect children and moved on.

Completely agree with sadminster that my happiness for others is totally dependant on how hard it has been for them and how many other 'real' troubles that they've got in their life. Closest friends who've had 2nd and 3rd was very happy for on the basis that a. I really like them and b. their 1st DS is severely disabled. And then I hate myself more for feeling like that and qualifying my genersoity on such grounds.

Even worse, I now find it hard to be sympathetic to oldest friend who's doing IUI and can't get pg, because she's only been trying 1 yr and hasn't been through everything we have. How sick is that ?

Hi, can I join too please. GTG, thanks for starting this thread. Was beginning to think that it was only me that had mastered the 'fake' smile of approval when another one of my friends announced that they were pg.

Whilst I'm not in as bad a situation as some on here (I have 2 DD's), TTC No3 has been harder than I ever thought. Had a MMC in Nov 07 and a mc in Mar 08. Started TTC again July 08 and so far nothing. I know we haven't been trying for long, but can't help feeling like a failure every month when AF turns up. I'm 38 now and know that time is running out. DD1 is 7 and DD2 is 2.9 so age gap (if we're lucky) will be another big one.

I think it's really important to acknowledge all of our negative feelings. This is a really safe place to do it and I'm really impressed that everyone has had the balls to let go and really rant. It's not easy pretending to the outside world that everything is hunky dory when all you want to do is curl up under your duvet and cry.

LBOT, Mistle and ClairePO I remember you from Avengers thread. Am really sorry you're having a rough time of it. Life sucks.

Hope everyone gets what they need out of this thread. I tihnk it's going to be one that helps a lot of women out.

Yes, agree that [grrr] at LBOT's friends.
When people say things like that I always have the urge to tell them "don't worry. Just have the baby and give it to me". But then they would mark me down as a desparate potential kidnapping stalker. Which of course I'm not. But they could always give the baby to me .

My former acupuncturist told me the she had clients who had been through lots of attempts at IVF and were still ambivalent when they managed to conceive. Hrmph.

Can I join in? TTC 15 months and nothing, nada, no chemical pregnancy nothing, feels much longer than 15 months as Ive been wanting to get pregnant for years but had to wait for DH to agree to a vasectomy reversal first (we have 1 DS age 7). Several of my friends are pregnant and I live in abject fear and dread of my work colleague who I work in a team of 3 with falling pregnant as I will explode if she goes off on maternity leave while I have to deal with all the shit at work AND STILL WONT BE PREGNANT!!! arrrggh rant over!

I'm not evil really, just desperate

Lots of familiar faces here - and some others - Hi!

I managed to avoid seeing our secretary when she came into work with her 3mo - I should be off on maternity leave with a 2.5mo... - but then, I would also have a 1.25yo, ds (3.5) and a 5.5yo - actually, if things had gone to plan, I would have had an 8 yo and a 6yo, but ds took 6 years coming along...

When I had first mc (followed by nasty post mc complications that had 18mo + implications) dh had to break it to me on New Year's Eve that good friends were expecting - he wanted all the crap out in the old year and more positive for the New Year.

Post ds, mc have been emotionally painful, but not as bad as pre-ds - but it still hurts that other people seem to conceive so easily and not have any mc...