Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

I can't actually bring myself to think that it will never happen for me, as it seems such a huge mental hurdle. After each MC, my consolation was 'oh well, at least you conceive easily. It will go right the next time'. Apart from it didn't, and now there may not be a next time.

I too have the sliding scale of acceptability of pregnancies. If, for example, my friend who's had three lots of IVF, one of which ended in a MC, conceived, I would be over the moon. However, other friend, who had never even tried before, got up duff first time trying (the one who's had on IVF with donor sperm) hadn't been through enough anguish, and thus I can't be happy for her. I'll be fine once they're born. But I want to be pregnant. It's MY TURN.

Gosh - there are some guts being spilled on this thread...... Totally understandably, and thank goodness we have somewhere where we can vent.

Felt a bit teary after finally going to the drs this morning to seek help with conceiving. Felt like I was tripping over buggies and prams everyhwere on my way to work. And there was the ceeyootest baby at the tube station........ .

Unituber and MT, that is amazing about your little ones! They must be pyschic

Here's another confession - we didn't want to tell anyone we were expecting until after 12 weeks in case something went wrong. But then after the mc, I almost felt like shouting it from the hilltops...just because I wanted people to know we WERE pregnant and we were really either ahead of them or on the same track Or course we didn't, but there was something almost competitive in me that wanted people to know that. The aforementioned friend who is less than thrilled about #2's arrival keeps telling us that we should start trying because you never know how long it will take! I think she, of all people should know better! I want to yell it out to her, but I just keep my mouth shut and smile. Even worse, she entirely blames poor DH, wrongly thinking that he's not interested in having children and is the one who's delaying things!

Mistlethrush - that is really interesting about what your DS said. The day after I conceived my last ectopic, my DD and I were in a supermarket. I was carrying her but because I was having ovulation pains I asked my DH to take her and told her it was because I had a tummy ache. She told me "you have an owy tummy because there is a baby in it Mummy". She had never said anything like that before. These days she is a bit obsessed with babies because her friends' mothers are giving birth all over the place when she said that it really came out of the blue. I couldn't believe it when it turned out she was right!

Daisy I think you're making the same point with your post as we are with this thread - basically women have to endure horrible things to have children and you can't possibly know someone else's situation, whether it's devastating or wonderful.

Look at mistlethrush multiple miscarriages plust an MP - that's molar pregnancy, potential cancer!

Look at lissielou infection, 7 miscarriages, displaced/nicked bladder and an ectopic where she's lost a tube

Very sorry to make examples of you both, MT and LL, but I think the point is yes we all know that there are dangers involved in having children. It's a physical as well as a mental risk, but it's one we want to take, as you did when you got pregnant with your child. We've all been TTC for a long time and we're well aware of the risks. I hope that if you take one thing away from our responses on this thread it's that our emotional pain is just as real as your physical pain.

I have no issue with people who are pregnant really, except for when I hear that it happened just like that without really trying. An aquaintence recently decided to try for a second child and got pregnant within weeks. I find that mildly irritating when I've been trying a year with no success. Am close to starting to believe my age will prevent me from having kids.

Sarah sounds a great idea - I've replied on other thread!

Add me to the list of angry, jealous, un-PC ladies. I've left a big rant on the MC Avengers thread about nearly getting in a fight in a Weight Watchers meeting, mainly because I was soooooo upset by the number of fecking babies there. And there was a pregnant lady! I suppose she was there to support her friend (and hold her friend's stupid baby--who was cute beyond belief).

My future SIL is 7-8 months and I'm sick of her crowing on Facebook--really wish I could block her.

I think everyone who has been TTC a while or has had a miscarriage should be able to carry some kind of electronic device that repels pregnant women/women with babies. Not to harm them, I'm not that irrational, but just something that would cause these women to think 'ah, I feel like moving along now'-keeping a pregnancy/baby-free 300 metre bubble around those of us that are just sick of seeing them. This sounds like the premise of a sci-fi storyperhaps I should write it up. . .

My god I'm really losing it. . . .

TheUnituber - re baby in your tummy - its really interesting - ds has quite a vivid imagination. 'Baby Jack' appeared just when he/she should have if 2nd mc hadn't happened - Baby Jack is still around - apparently still at nursery (we 'throw him out' on the way past ). Last year, ds announced to me, no hint of question, 'there's a baby in your tummy' - I had been wondering about dates, checked up, tested - bfp. Unfortunately only lasted a week - and ds has not said anything similar since.

Gordon I'm not sure that there is anything wrong with the title - unless you think that that is what caused the earlier inappropriate (for this thread) outburst.

Daisy you're right that there are hundreds of posts on MN from women who have suffered birth trauma (and at least two women who have suffered traumatic births are on this thread). What you don't see is women who can't conceive going on those threads and telling those women to get a grip because at least they have a child. That would be rather inappropriate, wouldn't it?

I know what some of you mean about the guilt for not providing your existing child with a sibling. My daughter is only 2, but keeps asking me if there is a baby in my tummy. Well there was, only 2 weeks ago. Apart from the miserable biological urge, I don't really feel that sorry for myself, but I sort of feel bad for my family unit, because it is not finished and is not going to be the way me and my DH pictured it. I guess it's a disappointment really...

It's really cathartic writing all of this down!

This thread is utter relief..............I wasn't evil, mad or a complete loony b*tch when I was (and I am going to be totally honest here so please, please forgive me ) filled with jealousy, rage, jealousy, anger, jealousy, fury, envy, desperation, emptyness, loss, aching, insanity, jealousy, Jealousy, JEALOUSY each and every (very frequent) time yet another friend told me the 'Good News' I would smile politely and say "Oh how wonderful, Congratulations" whilst the void inside me froze.

Thank you for starting this thread - these are things that you cannot say to people in RL but if someone were to say it to me (even in RL) then I would completely, totally understand.

(Good luck, best wishes and I truely, truely hope that you get your dream because I also (perhaps wrongly) use the 'judging system' and if you have posted on this thread then you really have been through utter hell and you completely deserve a lucky break and a bit of good news (and of course your very own baby who made all the pain worthwhile).

x

We have just bought a 2nd hand citroen people carrier thing. A girl at work said "why have you bought that? Theres only the 3 of you!" I know i shouldnt have cried at that but i did. Im sorry to be bitter when some of you have had such awful experiences, i know im lucky really.
Ive been ttc since March this year - i know thats not that long. I had a mc in Jan and prior to that had ttc for about 2y. Im 40 now so feel that time is running out. My dd is 4y and like Gordon says the gap is getting bigger! I had no probs the first time.

Heart goes out to the many of you who have had so many mc.

hello, i see a few familliar faces here.

we were ttc ds for approx 6y and when we got our bfp were totally thrilled. i had a terrible pg and was in and out of hospital with bleeding and pains, eventually ds was born in a crash cs. i had an infection due to uterine gBs and fell pg again 6m later. mc at 6w. next mc was at 8w and 3rd was at 5w. then an ep during wich i lost my tube and needed another op the next day because during my cs they misplaced my bladder, this was found because they nicked it during the laproscopy. we have since lost 4 more beans, the last was nearly 12m ago. ds asks me when we can have a baby and on occasion even offers to have one for me. i alternate between grief and rage most days, i too have a complex scoring system wherebyi allocate points to friends and aquaintances when i have to endure their "announcements"

You're been reading my mind! Found out today that a 4th friend is expecting. Actually, I'm really pleased for her, as she's had her share of troubles when TTC.

However, after a catalogue of lost pregnancies (and one gorgeous ds) I want to stamp my feet and wail at my situation.

Sorry to hear what a rough time you've all been having .

DaisyM. You're saying because YOU had a bad time WE shouldn't want children and should be grateful that we haven't conceived. I'm sorry you have gone through a terrible time, but you're not being at all supportive or helpful.

imum, lots of them wouldnt go back and have those children, no. You cant imagine what its like to be a healthy young woman who does what millions of women do each day- give birth, only to have your arse ripped open and live with ongoing pain. At my 6 week check up I was told my body would never be the same because of the damage. Not only is it not much fun looking after a baby when you can barely walk, and sitting down is even painful but its hard not to miss your old life when you were healthy. I love my baby but if I had a choice I'd choose a healthy normal lifestyle where I can still enjoy sex with my husband and go to work rather than living in pain. The problem is I am not alone there are thousands of women suffering although not everyone is open about it, they just get on with it. Of course, lots of women have reconstructive surgery which can help, but theres not much you can do when you're left incontinent,

DaisyM I'm not really sure what your point is, or purpose for posting on this thread - is it supposed to be supportive? I'm sure a childless woman wouldn't post on a thread supporting women with birth trauma/injury saying 'well you decided to have a baby it's you own fault'.

Many women on this thread haven't had the chance be to traumatised or injured since they haven't been able to conceive a baby at all or their babies die before birth. It is incredibly insulting to suggest that someone who is childless most definitely not by choice looks at parenthood through 'rose tinted glasses'. We want to build our families the same way everyone else does out of choice & love, we don't expect transcendental births & babies whose shit smells of flowers.

What about those of us ttc with secondary infertility are we clueless too?

Loads of people have bad things happen to them (whether pregnancy related or otherwise), frankly that isn't much comfort when you've just had your third, forth, fifth, sixth miscarriage or stillbirth, you've been ttc without success for YEARS or you've run out of money to pursue fertility treatment.

But daisy, would they go back and not have those children?

Have been reading this thread and I feel for all of you, I really do. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to want a baby desperately while all around you others are pregnant. What I'm going to say now is controversial and I dont expect everyone to like it but I feel it needs saying. I got pregnant very easily, so am one of the lucky ones. However my luck ran out when I ended up tearing from front to bottom and ended up in an operating theatre for 4 hours while they stitched me up. I have had problems ever since. I know women who've had less severe tearing who are now incontinent, some of them are doubly incontinent and cannot leave the house because they need to be near a toilet ALL the time. There are women on mumsnet who have had to have a colostomy bag fitted because of damage from giving birth. You can imagine how awful this is,trying to deal with horrendous health issues at the same time as trying to bring up a baby. I have friends who cannot have sex anymore because of the damage from childbirth. Then of course there is postnatal depression and for others, the stress of combiniing motherhood with work.

I am NOT in anyway saying these problems are reasons to not get pregnant/not have a baby but sometimes feel women who have never had a baby or given birth have rose tinted glasses (I know I did). What I'm trying to say is that while its natural you feel envious of women who have given birth or are pregnant for all you know they may be suffering or about to suffer from the results of childbirth. If you look at the childbirth and health boards on here you'll find hundreds of messages from desperate women who are still in pain months if not years after giving birth, and this includes women who've had c-sections. Just wanted to put things in perspective.

FTC failure to conceive