Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

Have just realised that sending this message while on my 3hr commute probably doesn't show a great work life balance but I am making progress!

A separate question - I hear lots on MN about acupuncture and homeopathy etc - any thoughts pro or con? I am trying to accept the PD and need to make more changes so wonder if alternative therapies are worth a go? I am by nature a cynic!

littlefish I sort of agree (wishy washy comment I know) but if you have that kind of vocational job I can imagine the conflicting emotions must be v difficult. I had a terrible time at work just after my mc and the Parkinsons diagnosis - I didn't tell anyone and tried to carry on (a bad habit of mine, telling everyone its ok when its not) then went into a stressful promotion assessment process and crumbled - messy. I have now told work I am never going for a promotion again and reconciled myself to this grade because I can't do it all. This has been (well, still is) one of the hardest things I have had to deal with but already I feel better. pinkmook sometimes you do have to let one of the balls drop hard as it seems. It feels unfair and if you're anything like me and feel almost defined by your work it is not easy but ultimately its worth it. Good luck.

PinkMook if it makes you feel any better, my dh also has crap morphology, motility and count and we were told that ICSI was the only way possible. We managed to conceive naturally. Also, when all my hormone levels were first tested, it showed that I wasn't ovulating. I had acupuncture for 3 months, and the new tests showed that everything was normal!

Given your situation, forgive me for saying so, but your fertility is more important than your job. I know it feels like you are letting people down, but you really can't put everyone before yourself. That's just a way of masking how you feel.

Sorry if that's really blunt, but I have been in a very similar situation to you and my first reactions were exactly the same. Taking early appointments meant facing the fact that we needed fertility treatment and that we might not succeed. Not chasing up appointments (at the beginning), meant that I could blame my work for my lack of baby. I kept justifying it by saying "if we don't manage to have a baby, at least I will have my job to fall back on and to distract me".

Good luck. Tell me to bugger off!

OaP (did you work out that your name shortens to that?!) yes, I know exactly where you're coming from re NCT - mind you, I don't quite know why, but I appear to have 'fallen out of favour' with the group I was with - all started out well, but I haven't even been told about recent births - not that I really want to though. I believe that, out of the 5 of us that were in touch, 2 have definitely given birth, and one is pregnant, not sure about the other. But if they can't be bothered to reply to emails or send a general information email, I have better things to do....

Am so pleased to have found this thread! I started TTC 6 years ago, and was gutted when nothing happened. Since then I've had tests, and more tests, a Hycosy, a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy - all of which confirmed my tubes are buggered. Had IVF at the age of 36 and was delighted to have DD nine months later. We would love another child (any sex, any birth month, really not fussy at all) and have had two failed cycles of IVF this year so far.

The worst ever moment of rage and jealousy for me was the day I tested negative on an IVF cycle, only to be told my MIL two hours later that my SIL was pregnant accidentally for the second time, and would have a due date so close to the one I'd have had if the IVF had worked. How can someone in their mid 30s get pregnant for the second time accidentally? Don't they know how it works yet?

DD is now approaching two, and hence all my NCT and mummy friends are pregnant or have had their second child. I actively work on being positive and pleased for them, as really, being bitter will get me nowhere (other than having fewer friends, obviously) but this thread is so good to read, to know I am not alone!

I know its crap isnt it? I am 33 and at my first appointment the consultant said "so we've got 2 1\2years then" (I was 32 1/2 then) We seem to have issues on both my and Dh's side so time is really of the essence as the conusultant said its (possibly) a combined subfertility which will only get worse with time (way to make me feel better Mr Consultant )WE know for definite DH has very poor count, morphology and motility and even with just those issues it may mean IVF (whether there is anything wrong with me or not) But it looks like I have problems too (irregular cycles, bleeding from 10dpo) so feel any assisted conception really needs to be sooner rather than later to give it even half a chance of working

Jess I'm wishing you an easy birth and a beautiful healthy baby.

Hi VKFAB you've posted on the ttc after ectopic thread. haven't you? I know it is worrying trying again after methotrexate, but just remember that when they say there is a 10-15% chance of an ectopic once you have had one, that means you have at least an 85% chance of getting pregnant and it being in the right place. The odds are overwhelmingly on your side. I know that after my first ectopic I was really worried about the state of my tubes, but it is really likely that your ectopic was just one of those things with no particular cause, so just keep that in the front of your mind.

Loobey I don't think I would say anything directly to your SIL either. She may well be aware of the anniversary but not know what to say, and I doubt that mentioning it to her will make either of you feel better. But asking someone else to maybe mention it if your SIL wants to know why you're subdued is a good idea. I really hope that the baby is born a couple of weeks early and then you can spend the anniversary the way you want.

This thread is moving so fast. I guess a lot of us need to vent.

Thanks Mistlethrush, not actually sure what I'm worried about, I guess I'm worried about everything! But it is so reassuring to hear good stories - congratulations on your DS, and so sorry to hear that you had such a hard time.

Loobeyloo so sorry to hear your sad story, and completely understand why you feel that way. Sometimes writing things down can help - maybe write a letter to them putting down all your thoughts/feelings etc, but never send it? Or indeed give them a card & present before the date and explain why you felt you wanted to do it before? HTH x

PS - My DH is an August b'day and said no one was ever around to come to his party!! Completely agree tho that the word "planning" should never have been put near anything to do with conception!

Gosh, that puts you in a really difficult position doesn't it PinkMook. You have my sympathies. At the same time, your fertility is also extremely important to you. I don't know how old you are, but age was certainly a factor with us, and I didn't want to let time slip away from us.

What a difficult position you're in.

VKFAB - damage -are you worried about ep or methatrexate? Can't help re 1st, but can re 2nd - I had to have 36 doses in all - and conceived ds naturally about 15months later (not allowed to ttc for a year) - hope that helps. And, no, quite happy for you to be here - its just the 'well, I'm going to have a June baby as I always suceed as soon as I try...' type comments!

I would settle for a baby with a birthday any month - although I would prefer to avoid August really.

OtU - sorry for the news. Depressing isn't it. Hope Op Ok though

We've got the G&T out here - cheers

LobbeyLoo - do they know about the situation at all. If relationships are quite close I would have a word - ideally, actually, ask dh to have a word for you - explain why you will not be over the moon and hugely celebratory - it will mean that its all out in the open and there will be no misunderstandings...

Thanks little fish - its hard for me to go at short notice so I have put off ringing up as I know it will put me in a dilemma - I will want to go on the date they offer me, desperately, but the clinic only runs on a tuesday (when I am at work) and my job involves visiting victims of serious crime who are often very vulnerable (we are talking rape victims, child abuse victims, people who have recently suffered children/relatives being murdered/killed, appointments booked in advance) so I dont feel able to let the people I have booked to see down

I have finally got an appouintment for a consultation for my 'infertililty' - only 4 months to wait. I will be 39 3 months later. I suppose I should have tried earlier or perhaps I have something very serious which has not been noticed in the other tests. Either way I'm fed up!

PinkMook - phone up and ask if they've had any cancellations. Make it clear that you are happy to come at short notice (if that's practical for you).

We saved months of waiting, simply by phoning up every time we'd been sent an appointment, and asking for a cancellation appointment. Each time, they offered us an appointment sooner than our given date.

Loobey I think I read somewhere that only 5% of babies are born on their EDD, so it's pretty likely your SIL's baby won't be born on the same date. Dates are very important I think, we can't help remembering certain things, so don't beat yourself up. I would, however, suggest you don't mention it to SIL. Talk about it with your DP and maybe some friends that don't know SIL (and of course all of us here). As the date gets closer, you might want to privately mention it to your parents/DPs parents (not sure which side the SIL is on), and say 'I'm just telling you so that if anyone asks why we seem a bit subdued/sad, you'll know and be able to explain it'.

VeryKeen I know what you mean about the guilt. I have wished horrible things about my future SIL, mostly because I'm so jealous and it seems SO UNFAIR that she's done everything WRONG and is completely unprepared for a baby (and she's not a particularly nice person). Then I read things on here and realise what I'm wishing for her....I don't hate her that much, I don't hate anyone that much.

Jealousy/grief can make you think really awful things, and I think we all have to just realise this is pretty normal and as long as we are keeping it to ourselves or within an understanding circle (such as this thread), we will be okay.

Loobeyloo - I dont think its being unreasonable to feel upset in your situation. Its a tough one on whether or not to say something, I guess it depends on what they are like/your relationship with them?? My gut reaction is to say dont say anything but its hard to judge - they may be really supportive but then again they may not

To be honest i think its unlikely the baby will be born on the due date, maybe someone else will correct me but I am guessing not many are?

You are more than welcome to come and vent on here though xx

Hi (cautiously pokes head round door)... I hope I am not unwelcome as I have posted on the "a June baby would be nice" (I took it to mean that if you fall pregnant this cycle that's when edd would be, rather than a preference for June, so sorry if that has added to anyone's hurt).

I just wanted to share that I have had awful jealousy feelings since my ectopic earlier this year. I had to have 2 doses of methotrexate and so couldn't ttc until given the all clear. I haven't got any children and am unsure what damage has been done. I hate myself for feeling the way I do about others who are pregnant, including dh's best friend who is going to be due when my ectopic would have been, so we will always have a living reminder of what might have been. I am pleased for them, but also have to go into kitchen to sob when he is on 'phone talking about latest scan etc. Think I have irretrievably lost friends at work by walking out when scan pics are being shown round and endlessly talked about. I feel so guilty because I say the right things but think very different thoughts.

I am so sorry to hear others' stories, and feel for you all. xx

first of all I am sorry for all of you who have to be posting on a board of this sort. May you all find peace and strength to cope with whatever you have to endure.

This is the nearest thing i have found to a thread that fits my situation and i am hoping to find some moral support here from people who will understand how I feel, as there is noone in RL I can talk to.

First, I have 3 wonderful children, and am not planning on ttc any more - I count my blessings each and every day.

We would have liked 4 children, our 3rd was stillborn at 20 weeks, so in effect we did have 4. We would not want to ttc again because we could not bear to put ourselves and our children through anything like that again

My problem is this, just found out SIL is expecting a baby, her 3rd, on the anniversary of our DD3's birth/death.

She herself had a mc prior to this pg, so I know i should be happy for her, but when her pg was announced I just did a quick calculatuion and thouight oh no, only to have them confirm what for me is the worst case scenario - their baby is due on the day ours was born, dead.

of course I hope all goes well for her, but am I being totally selfish and unreasonable to be totally gutted by this, this is a day on which we go to the crem and spend a quiet family day, just me DH and the kids, and i can't bear forever having to share this date with another family member - am going to be torturing myself till January, hoping it is born a couple of weeks early or late. I am dreading family gatherings at christmas with all their excitement.

what do i do, bottle it up and try to be brave, or say something, to whom? before or after the birth? this is really chewing me up!

sorry for the vent....

Hi all.

I have a 3 yr old son, but also had a miscarriage last year. Within a week or so of my m/c I found out my best friend and step sister were both expecting a baby around the time my baby would have been born. Within weeks, three close friends had had their babies, so I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborns which ever way I turned.
They all behaved sensitively, I put a brave face on it - but God, it was tough. To be honest, I didn't really get over it until I discovered I was pregnant again some months later - and even then, it was only well into the 2nd trimester that I felt truly happy and could lay those ghosts to rest.

I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant, happily . It will happen again for you all, too.

Unituber - I did bleed a lot afterwards but I seem to be bleeding from 10DPO these days anyway so I think it was something to do with that...I might have been able to ask at my consultant appointment BACK IN AUGUST if he hadn't effing well cancelled me UNTIL 4TH NOVEMBER AARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Thats another thing winding me up at the moment - sorry rant over!

Some of your stories really are heart breaking on here. I just hope we all get what we want or the ability to handle it if we dont

Seems like all women with newborns go to Sainsbury on a Monday afternoon! sigh!

Thanks GtG - am cracking open the wine tonight having just had ANOTHER BFN and it was a 'proper' test as I am in hospital about to have a minor op and they tested just to be sure. [Sad]

jess good luck and congratulations (said w no fakery at all, you've earned it)

Hello ladies, Just spent ages reading through this thread and it reminds me so much of how I was feeling last year. I wish this thread had existed then.

I started ttc no. 1 in August 2006. First pregnancy ended in a missed mc of twins in February 2007 (no heartbeats on 12 week scan). Then in August 2007 I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. Whilst recovering in hospital I remember all to well going outside to make a phone call and being surrounded by pregnant women smoking. I was so angry and bitter. Also when I came back for a final check up I had to sit in a waiting room surrounded by people smiling at their 12 week scan photos - I was so jealous and hated myself for it.

It took me 6 months to conceive again and I think those 6 months were the worst of my life. So many people at work were pregnant I almost quit my job as I couldn't cope with it. I cried everyday in the car going to work and back and then in the toilets at work. I look back with such sadness now that I was so unhappy. I felt like I had let my dh down and my parents (who so much wanted grandchildren). I was also so hurt when other people announced pregnancies and would try so hard to say congratulations with a fake smile and then end up crying in the toilets.

I did get pregnant again, but it has been a very difficult pregnancy (emotionally - physically I've been well). Scans are not happy occasions for me, but are very stressful with dh and I always expecting to be given bad news. My confidence is myself was totally shattered and every minute of every day I feel that something will go wrong. I am now 37 weeks and I still dislike having baby things in the house because I feel like I'm tempting fate again.

I don't wish this to sound like I'm ungrateful because I'm not. I feel extremely lucky to be pregnant and also to be keeping well.

I hope nobody minds me posting on this thread - it just reminded me so much of a very difficult time in my life. Also I just wanted to wish you all well in the future.

Sarah - I agree re 'planning a baby for xxx' they make me very angry (although I don't go onto them and tell them so I hasten to add that is what this thread is so good for!) I also hate those 'I think I might be pregnant - how did it happen' type threads. How the do you think it happened? (there are at least two words that fit there ) For some people, yes, they do seem to have a string of misfortunes with at least 2 things failing - however, if you havn't used anything that failed but were trusting to chance.... GGGGRRRRRR!

Forgot to say, I'll be right in those 'Planning a June Baby' threads virtually screaming with all of you.

It occurred to me that if I got pg before mid-December I would have to miss little brother's wedding in U.S. in late June--then I remembered, it took a bloody year to conceive the first time, only to have it end in MC, so what the hell am I worried about?

And anyway, little brother said to go for it. Too right, I don't think anything could stop me from trying at the moment.