Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

picknmix It must be a bit insulting for them to offer you IVF but like mistlethrush says its money that hard to come by and as much as it would feel insulted i would have to bite the hand off of my SIL if she offered to pay for IVF for me as its looking like our only option and I really dont know how we will get the money.

pinkie08 Its hard isnt it? but heres a place to vent so grab a glass of bitter lemon and vent with us!

BTW its pinkmook here, am just trying out a hslloweeny nickname!

Hello all,

we have been ttc since we got married and all my friends are onto their third pregnancies one even on her fourth. no one knows we going through such a tough time as DH doesnt like to discuss it with anyone making it harder for me.

PM I would, if you are going to have to go down that route, bite SiL's hand off re money for IVF - it would be one less thing for you to worry about - and if she is 'rolling in it', or at least, pretty well-off, go for it. Lets hope that you don't have to get that far, but it is expensve.

Mind you, the whole children thing is horrendously expensive - which is, I think, one of the things putting dh off from trying hard for another.

Hello Millie - I am surprised that your dh is like that - mine is actually very good on that front... Do like the car crash analogy...

Hi, can I crash in!! At last people who understand! If my DH says one more time "but you should be happy for them" .....aarrgh. I have one beautiful daughter, concieved the smug fast way but then lost a beautiful little boy at 22 weeks. A year since then and I have had one early miscarriage and that's it. All my friends are onto their second and thinking about third.
The slightly mad way I justify it to myself is that if I had a terrible car crash would people expect me to be happy if others rushed up to me to tell they hadn't been in a car crash. Is that mad? .

Have you mentioned the whole belly/wine thing to her?? If you haven't, sounds to me like you've come this far with her, maybe you should just be 100% honest and say to her about her insensitivity re belly/wine etc. You've got little to lose if she's already being unrealistic and unsympathetic.

I'm a little that a friend would do this to you given that she has also experienced the heart ache of a miscarriage.

I had an 'interesting' conversation with my SIL the other night (she of the 3 children under three). She offered (I'm sure with the best of intentions) to "buy us an IVF baby" or "have a baby for us" (her words not mine). Right, so not only is she flaunting her immaculate baby making ability at me, she is now also rubbing in the fact that her disposable income would put us through private infertility treatment. How do you respond to that? I managed the 'laugh and smile, laugh and smile' thing and then wailed at DH (its his sister) after I hung up.

DH had his sperm test this morning - took 10 weeks for the NHS to get us an appointment [grr] (crap PCT) and it will take another 14 days for the results so may be I should take my SIL up on her offer....

GTG I think you should take comfort from the fact that you have now been honest with your friend, I'm sure she will, with time, come to understand your point of view. Bare in mind her pregnancy hormones are at play as well and all she wants is for people to be happy for her.

I had this experience with a friend earlier in the year, it took her time but she fully understands why I had to back off. She's v good now, only talks pregnancy when I ask her, only tells me the good stuff and never moans. But it was me being honest with her that has got us to that stage.

You have to look after number one at the end of the day. Big hugs to you x

GtG - sorry that this has happened. However, if she cannot understand what you are going through and why you're having problems dealing with the whole thing emotionally, I'm not sure that you should want her as a friend - at the moment at least.

However, I would question whether texts are the best way of having this sort of conversation - its really easy to misinterpret due to txt spk and the fact that you tend to truncate things - whcih makes them a lot 'balder' that you would normally say or write.

Do you think that you could hold a reasonable telephone conversation with her - or, if you feel up to it, a face-to-fact conversation would be better. If she's a real friend she will be able to see what you're going through and hopefully be a bit more understanding and give you the space that you need at the moment.

Can I join in this thread please? All these stories are striking a chord...

We have a four year old conceived with no problems, have been trying to conceive a second for nearly three years during which time I've had one MC and one MMC.. The MMC was particularly difficult (July08) as I'd finally fallen pregnant the month before we were due to start IVF and then found out at an early scan the baby wasn't developing so had ERPC.

I completely see where all the 'green eyed monsters' are coming from. I have calculated, roughly, that in the three years we have been trying to conceive we have either sent good wishes, baby congrats cards or presents (depending on how well we know them) to nearly 70 sets of friends/work colleagues/family etc. The family ones have been agony as it's just too close for comfort. There have been first babies, loads of seconds, some thirds and one fourth! And this includes no less than 4 sets of friends who started trying to conceive their first when we started trying to conceive a second - and they are all due to deliver their second child within the next three months - arrrgh!!! It is a nightmare.

I have huge sympathy for each and every one of you and really hope everyone gets the happy endings they are hoping for.

And if I had a pound for every friend who said (meaning well but not actually helping) 'It will happen for you' then I could treat everyone on the thread to a round of IVF! grrrr.

But thanks for setting up this thread, it does help to have a little vent.

I am going to try and see if once I've sent the appointment I can try to forget ttc for the next three months. It is so hard to switch off from, any tips??? Have already been on the holidays, bought unsuitable car etc... Oh and I've drunk lots of wine and scoffed lots of chocolate.

May be the way to go is beauty treatments!!! Nice massages might do the trick.

Pinkmook - I know that the NHS has to prioritise but if everyone in the country was under the same guidelines it wouldn't seem so unfair! Why would they stop someone who has had a vasectomy?? IT's all very rubbish!!

I even work for the NHS, I feel that I spend everyday trying to help everyone else, but when I need treatment I can't access it. I think I'll have to give up the NHS and work privately to afford NHS treatment!!!

Hi Poppy - I never knew that! I am 33 too but they wont let us have IVF on the NHS because DH has had a vasectomy (allbeit now reversed) as apparently this automatically precludes you from help they never mentioned my age, in fact they said "right so we've got 2.5 years" (til I am 35) in reference to assisted conception. I think they just make it up as they go along in different areas "right so you wore a blue shirt today, and you have blonde hair so errrrm nope sorry, no IVF to blonde haired, blue shirt weareres it says so in this here book of IVF rule!s!" I know they have to draw the line in the NHS somewhere but it just seems so arbitrary.

Ok rant over well done you for getting the ball rolling and starting the process of help

Hello guys after reading your threads I'm going to call the fertility clinic and book an appointment for Jan 2009 so I give myself three more months and if no success then I will think about IUI or IVF! I think I just didn't want to think that it wouldn't happen again naturally.

Petulant - i thought I'd be really upset when I was with my bf's baby,but the thought of it was much worse than it turned out to be. I think if you warn them first that you may get emotional it will be ok

Pinkmore - I'm 33 and you have to be 36 to get funding so I'm going to have to save up for it!

Gordon - I think it would be a good idea to talk to your friend, rather than avoiding her. I know its a really hard thing to do, but if it's a friendship you can see continuing with longterm, then it's worth some discomfort now.

If you think she's already picked up on it, then she's probably feeling awkward too.

I don't blame you for not wanting to see her every day - I would find that really hard too.

I've signed up for acupuncture!! Yay us!

No, petulant child, you're not!

It's unbelievably hard to hold your emotions in check at times like this. Is it possible to speak to your brother beforehand to tell him how delighted you are for him and his dp, but that you're feeling sad because of your own difficulties.

Tell him that you're really looking forward to seeing the new baby, but that if you get upset, it's no reflection on how delighted you are to be an aunt.

(BTW, I was an aunt to twins before I was a mother. I cried buckets when I first saw the boys and actually, it was because I was genuinely overcome with how beautiful and wonderful they were, and how proud I was of my sister and how overwhelmed I was to be an aunt, so you might surprise yourself!)

Also, if possible, try and arrange to meet them without lots of other family members being present. Takes the pressure off you to "perform".

Gaaarrrghhhhhhhh! I know I am a miserable horrible old cow but I feel really 'Grrrrrrrr'.

Have been trying for a baby for months now with no success and I knew that this time would be hard for me but I thought I was handling it ok.

Brother just had a baby, first one, beautiful and perfect. I haven't seen him yet as he lives far away but I know they will visit at some point and I am shitting myself about what will happen. At the moment I feel like I can deal with all these emotions - jealousy, anger, hurt, fear, etc etc - but I really don't know how I am going to cope when the big meeting the newborn thing happens. If it was 10 minutes with them popping in, saying hi to the baby and then buggering off home for a cry then I am sure I will handle it fine but I just know it will be lunch at my mums with my sister cooing and shrieking and being the best aunt ever because she's really excited, doesn't want kids etc.

When I was told about the baby, when they first got pregnant, I was similarly trapped AND without the support of my boyfriend and had to go off for a cry at what should have been a really happy time. I don't think I can cope with all of this without acting like some spoilt brat or evil witch.

Of course I am happy for them and of course I want to be a decent aunt but I am just really really upset about my own situation and that upset isn't going to go away for an afternoon when we meet the baby. People ask me about the baby all the time and I can easily trot out the details the weight, the name with a fixed grin on my face but that's because these people who ask are not family and so I don't get so emotional about it all.

My instincts are to just not go but I know that would be avoiding the subject.

I'm a spoilt child aren't I

Thank you littlefish (curtsies)

Well done UNituber and herbaceous

And onlyaphase - I should have name checked you, too, because your post helped also (am crap at this stuff! )

Herbaceous - so sorry for all your losses. That must be so hard. Good luck on Thursday.

For what it's worth - I'm not sure I'll genuinely ever be happy for some pregnants! They'll just never match up to my list of criteria

Here you go girls...

One for Pinkmook.

One for Unituber.

And last, but not least,

one for herbaceous.

Well done all of you

Gosh, that's soon herbaceous. Well done

I never thought I would consider IVF either, but I have an inkling that it might reduce my chances of an ectopic in which case it has to be worth doing.

If it doesn't work we'll just face that when the time comes. Fortunately that time is not just yet!