Fertility clinic want semen sample but dp blatently refuses

'I do have some problems so it is doubtful anyway that I will concieve, and at the same time I am throwing it in his face that I have probably run out of time and I keep reminding him of all the times he kept saying you have years left yet.
I am quite resentful towards him.'

Please try to get some counselling on your own.

You will have no peace, no matter how this shakes out, if you don't.

I divorced my ex husband because come to find out, he never wanted any children at all.

Granted, I was a lot younger - separated at 28 and divorced at 30.

But we did try to come to some terms.

At the end of the day, this is one of those issues where it's hard or impossible to compromise.

The split was hard, but because of the counselling I had I was able to make peace with it and move on.

I feel really sorry for you. But it sounds like he doesn't want another child. I know exactly how you feel as my DH was the same. By the time he changed his mind and we tried a cycle of IVF I was 42 and it didn't work. Haven't tried again (am now 44).

I know so well the panicky thoughts racing through your head as you visualise time running out on your fertility while his stays pretty much the same.

However even though my DH is intensely private and prudish to an extent, he didn't balk at giving a sample at any time. (Our DS is an IVF baby too.)

You really need to sit down and talk. We did. I swore blind at DH that if I didn't have another DC I would resent him forever. I now can't believe it but am over that feeling. DS is now 7 and whilst I would love him to have a sibling I have accepted that barring miracles he will be an only child. And in all honesty I am pretty much OK with that. There is a certain amount of sadness there but I am OK with that.

Could he have had a vasectomy without you knowing? How easily did you conceive last time?

doesn't sound like it is the provision of the sample that is the real issue here.....

Nevertheless, we are undergoing IVF at the moment and after a lot of reluctance, my DH now rather likes going to provide a sperm sample . They have a "wanky porn room" at the hospital full of mags and videos. Dh says that it's the only chance he gets to watch porn

I wouldn't think using sperm from a condom would work, the sample has to be fairly fresh. He also has to abstain for 3 days.

At our clinic no one did anything until both DH and I had read a ream of paperwork, made some (pretty hard) choices about options, and signed. How is this clinic treating you if your DP has not consented?

'when I get what I want he will simply adjust, I know its selfish but all that I am bothered about is getting what I want so badly." - maybe you should say that to him. Point out that he's basically saying the same thing to you but on the opposite side, and then ask him to please please therefore go with you to see a counsellor to help you both figure it out.

But if you have to do that, you can't go into it with the plan of getting the counsellor to help you to convince him. You need to go into it with the goal of finding a way for the two of you to agree on how what your family will be in the future.

I know my suggestion morally dubious but I do feel for you Ifeelsleepy and the tone of messages on this thread seem a bit harsh to me. That yearning for a baby is unquenchable when you have it - I think it is true though, I guess it's a case of what do you want more, this marriage or another baby? If another baby then maybe you need to issue him with an ultimatum, but don't do that if you couldn't live with him making the opposite choice to what you want?

You're not a very silly woman for wanting another child - but nor is he silly for not wanting another. Unfortunately, its not really an issue you can compromise - one of you has to "win"

If you were to fall pg naturally would he be ok with it ??

'when I get what I want he will simply adjust, I know its selfish but all that I am bothered about is getting what I want so badly.
I know that he would also refuse to go to a counsellor you wouldn,t believe how awkward he can be about everything.'

He might have, if he'd been halfway willing to have another child. But the chances of his doing so are slim to none because a) he is making it VERY clear to you that he doesn't want another child b) he is not a willing participant and you need fertility assistance.

And therefore, what you want may not be best for your family, including your other child.

That's something you need to work with a professional about, and if he won't go, then you go on your own.

But as it stands, he's not going be a willing participant with assisted reproduction and so therefore you don't stand much of a chance of conceiving.

He may be reluctant to go along because he may have already had a vasectomy.

I agree with expat. You seem to be on entirely opposite ends of the spectrum on this with neither of you willing, or able, to back down. You need to figure that bit out before you can agree to have a child. Otherwise, in the same way you feel he's not helping you achieve what you really really want, he probably feels you're not respecting his needs and wants.

I don't think that "stealing" his sperm in a condom is the way forward. That seems dishonest and is likely to break things down further?

I'm for you, but he is giving you your answer... wouldn't want another child with someone who says he doesn't want to be left looking after it as if it is lost luggage!!!
I think you really need to be consdering what you want most, another child or a marriage to your husband...as they do't seem to be compatible at the moment - sorry.

He's not buying it, ifeel.

He feels differently.

No fertility clinic is going to be able to help you because, unless you are using a sperm donor, he's going to have to play an active part.

And deception doesn't set things off on a good course.

Please, get some counselling.

If you get a completely spermicide free one it might work?

He doesn't want another child, ifeel.

He has valid reasons for it, as you have valid reasons for wanting another.

Forgive me, but at this point, you don't need a fertility clinic, you need a relationship or marriage counsellor to determine if and how you might be able to come to some agreement on the issue of having another child.

Is there any way to use a sample collected in a condom and then transfer it into sample pot?

If your husband does not actually want another child I don't think that there is a clinic out there who will treat you anyway, I'm so sorry.

I think that you really need to get to the bottom of this with DH.

I don't think this is about his giving a sample so much as it is that he doesn't sound like he wants another baby.

Sorry, but if I were you I'd get some counselling on my own to figure out how I needed to deal with this.

There's no way to force him to give a sample, of course, and it's also a convenient means for him to not have another baby.

Oh dear. It sounds as though the problems go deeper than providing a sample. Why doesn't he want any more? Could it be down to financial or practical issues that you could sit down and sort out?

Does he know they he wont have to go to hospital and do it ?

My df did his at home one morning and then i took it to the lab at our local hospital for him.. i'd never have got him to do it on one of those little rooms at a clinic... never.