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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

is it ever OK to get pg behind your partner´s back? at my wits end...

40 replies

Figfingers · 09/07/2008 08:45

OK

DP and I are both 35, together for 2 years. I want a baby, he says we need to be more financially secure. We do have good savings but due to DP´s job we have moved to another country (been here almost a year)and Could be here for another 2 years. After that he´s considering another move. We still haven´t got a house because we still don´t know where we want to settle...

I still haven´t done anything, just stopped taking pill, but now horrified my period won´t start for months which he will definitely notice...

Any advice most welcome.

Figgy

OP posts:
justageek · 09/07/2008 09:09

no but it is okay to tell him that you want to ttc now and not take no for an answer. He has said he wants kids, fertility decreases for both you and him just now, the risk of downs etc increases, i think he needs to wake up and realise that this could be something that takes time and if he is not careful one day it will be too late. You need to spell it out to him how important it is to you and even admit that you were considering just going for it without telling him, perhaps that will be enough to get him to sort himself out for you ;)

nappyaddict · 09/07/2008 09:08

so are you going to be using condoms? will dp not wonder why the sudden change of contraception?

eleveld · 09/07/2008 09:08

you're welcome. good luck and I hope you can talk him round

Original poster
Figfingers · 09/07/2008 09:06

Thanks for your replies.. I am not a mean scheming person or anything. We have discussed this at lenght and he re assures me wants kids but at 35 it´s not really as if I can just keep putting it off. What worries me is that there´s no time frame for starting a family and as you all know too well it could take a while to get pg.

For my DP there´s always another great job in a far flung destination, an exciting opportunity, believe there´s always something that´s more pressing.. which makes me feel a bit down..

He does not know I have stopped taking the pill. Apologies if I sound like a complete twit, I do get my period on the pill, but thought if I stopped this would affect my periods somehow.

If this makes any sense yy intention was to stop taking the pill, use a different type of contraception and start getting by body ready for TTC, with my DPs consent, obviously.

Thanks for your views, anyway.

Figgy

OP posts:
eleveld · 09/07/2008 09:05

I totally feel for you and understand your desire to have a baby.

But in my opinion it is absolutely, definitely NOT Ok to have a baby behind his back.

In my view relationships are meant to be based on trust, not deceit. I couldn't in a million years contemplate what you are thinking of.

But, as I said, these are just my opinions and yours may be very different but equally as important

lulumama · 09/07/2008 09:05

no it is not ok

he will know if you suddenly have a 'contraception failure' that you have duped him

it is too big an issue to deceive him about, and ultimately, teh baby could suffer and that is not right or fair.

you need a calm, rational discussion, fertility in women does really decline in your 30s, he needs to understand that the decision to have children might be taken out of your hands if you wait much longer, or might mean fertility investigations and treatments, many of which need a lot of time and money.

being in one place for at least 2 years is settled enough IMO to have a baby. and moving before your child starts school is ok to IMO

agree that financial security is a red herring, anyone could lose their job or abiluty to work at anytime.

if people waited until they could afford children, 99 % of parents would not have their families

gothicmama · 09/07/2008 09:03

talk to him, ask him to use condoms then when you are both ready the pill will be out of your system - also if he chooses not to use condoms it is his choice that you may become pregnant

Cosmogirl · 09/07/2008 09:02

No. You should sit down and have a serious talk about the fact that you want to try for a baby. If you trap him into having a child he doesn't want, you could end up losing your relationship.

SittingBull · 09/07/2008 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

davidtennantsmistress · 09/07/2008 08:59

it's never Ok - even if you're married, it's entrapment, and in my book out of order.

you need to talk to your partner and discuss things with him, and tell him completely how you feel. work out if you can afford a baby. but I agree there's never a good time to have one, something always comes up - is it possible there's another reason putting him off?

CoteDAzur · 09/07/2008 08:52

Why would periods not 'start' for months, by the way?

Periods continue when you stop taking the pill, albeit not always with the same 28-day cycle.

beansprout · 09/07/2008 08:51

My brother's dp did this, she is pregnant with twins and they are now living separately (long story). It's a horrible mess and everyone is unhappy.

IMVHO you just can't take a step like this on your own. It has to be his choice too. If you are worried about him noticing you are not having periods, how are you going to tell him you are pregnant?!!

CoteDAzur · 09/07/2008 08:51

There is no right time to have a baby, and you don't have forever (unfortunately).

Do you both want only 1 child? If you want two kids, I think that argument is hard to counter: "Honey, we have less than 5 years left to make 2 kids, and that assuming we will still be fertile in late 30s".

I think you will be fine, by the way, but nothing wrong with putting a bit of fear in a reluctant man

MegBusset · 09/07/2008 08:48

Is it OK to deceive your partner into a baby they don't want? No, I can't say it is.

However, I understand how you feel. You need to talk to your DP and let him know how you're feeling, and make a plan. Financial security is a bit of a red herring imo as even the most well-paid person can lose their job at any time.

nappyaddict · 09/07/2008 08:48

Am confused - does he know you've stopped taking the pill? Do you currently have periods on your pill?

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