is it ever OK to get pg behind your partner´s back? at my wits end...

Oh, how lovely, very pleased for you

Fig, well done, that's great news. Good luck TTC when you get round to it

no, it's NEVER okay.

there's very little materially that i can get for my kids, although we try our best.

but i felt the least i could do was to give them a father who wanted them so much.

I know many men who want children, but would like to enjoy their 'freedom' for just a bit longer. It is true that they don't have the pressure on them that women do. Also with so many stories of women in their 40's having children, I wonder if it really enters their heads that if they delay it too long, there is a risk it might not be so easy.

And the other ironic thing is that so many men who eventually do that make decision, after the scary patch of 'oh my god, we are having a child', actually really quite embrace it. However it is a new set of pressures and quite a lot of them so it is so so important that the man takes on that responsibility instead of having it thrust upon him unwittingly.

I was subtle about having a second child, too subtle as it turns out, and it was almost a year before we agreed to ttc. He relented, but was quite hestitent and as a result almost resented me being pregnant. As it turned out, I miscarried and then he felt really shit, and then suddenly realised how much he had been looking forward to it. Now we are both equally and happily ttc - a much better state of affairs.

It really helps to agree fairly and equally. There was a great article in Grazia a few months ago about men who put off having babies and then absolutely loved having kids and wished they had started earlier. I wonder if you could dig that out.

There is never a perfect time to have a child!

Thanks fig and i hope you get your little figgie(s) soon too!

fig, i started a smilar thread to yours in New Year 2007.
Now we are without contraception
and welcome to mumsnet
It is useful having people on MN to share these things with, because generally there aren't many people in real life who you can share these dilemmas with
Good luck, but get talking to your DP

I had this too Fig.

We already had 2 and I was desparate for a 3rd. The desparation consumed every moment of every day, it was awful. I asked, begged, pleaded....it was all I ever thought about for 17 months.
For every reason he said no I had 20 reasons for it to be yes.

It was Boxing day 2004 and we were in the car, I approached the subject again and it went around in circles again.
There was pause in the converstaion and DH said "what are you thinking about?"

I have no idea where the tears came from, I didn't know I was going to cry but with tears in my eyes I said "you knwo what I'm thinking about.....I always think about it"

It was that sentence that changed his mind, 17 months of feeling I was totally wasting my time came down to that moment.

I was pregnant before 2005 started

We now have a 4th, which totally took us both by surprise. Dh wanted 2, I wanted 3....we ended up with 4

Good Luck Fig, I hope you get your wish.

xx

Flirty, I recognise the dilemma of knowing you HAVE to say something but not quite being able to do it. With me I said, 'hey, d'you think WE should have kids?' in a probably-obviously-fake jokey way, like 'hey, let's be really crazy and go to Paris next weekend' - so I could pretend it was in jest if he really freaked out.

To my amazement, he said 'yeah, we could do' in an equally-fake casual way. Took ALL my effort not to jump up and down whooping with excitement, and muster another-fake-casual 'great' [thinking, how long should I leave it before asking 'when?']. I was SO happy that day!

Damn just typed long post and lost it

Hello Fig,

Don't have time to retype whole post, but wanted to say that I really empathise with your situation.

When I married DH (I was 32) I was convinced he was anti-kids and I wasn't particularly bothered. It took me ages to (1) realise I wanted kids (2) pluck up courage to ask him (3) convince him 'now' was the time. I'm now 37, I stopped taking the Pill nearly a year ago and have been 'properly' TTC for 7 months and nothing has happened.

What I learned from that, that I hope might help you was

• don't wait to talk about it
• be honest about your feelings, they are just as valid as his, and more urgent
• men often don't appreciate the difficulties and risks of putting off TTC so they need educating (!) and time to absorb the information
• give him plenty of examples of people whose lives carry on being just as active and interesting after having kids

My DH was convinced he had to 'see the world', save up loads of cash, have a sports car etc etc before we started TTC. In the end we had an amazing holiday in the USA and when we came back I told him I'd go back to the doc's for 6 months' worth of pills, then that was 'it'. He was actually ok with that as it gave him a while to get used to the idea. Perhaps you could try a similar strategy?

Good luck, I'm sure you will sort things out soon
xx

ended up a long post anyway!

Fig, I think you really need to plug the age thing - my DH is quite a bit younger than me and had decided in his head that he wanted to wait until he was 35 to start a family because it seemed like an appropriately mature age to him. I pointed out that by then I would be lucky to even get pg and the risk of Downs etc. would be so much higher and that if he wanted 2 (which he does) that we would have to crack on immediately and not wait the 5 years he thought he had.

It took a couple of goes - his mum was in her mid-late thirties when she had him, and his cousin was born when his aunt was 42, so he didn't really appreciate the time problem until I drilled it into him!

Lucky for us, we had DS last year (I was 40 by then) and are planning DC2.

Good luck!

Just tell him you've stopped taking the pill as time is running out for both of you to have a family, especially if you want more than one child. It makes me quite cross actually that in relationships where the woman wants a child, the partner still thinks she should take responsibility for preventing that happening!

Dear Fig,

You sound like me!

I'm 30, DH is 42 and I've been DESPERATE for children for ages. We had always agreed to have children 'some time' but I could never see that time reaching the top of his busy schedule. I bacame really worried about and not telling him how I felt really as I didn't want to pressure him (stupid as he is a great listener and very pro good communication!). Anyway, I had finally decided that last weekend I was going to explain exactly how I felt. I bottled out despite several good, relaxed, loving moments when I could have said something. And then...just as I was giving up hope...he asked me when we should have children!? I would have passed out if I hadn't been lying down! I honestly NEVER expected this day to come...but it did and I have no idea what triggered the question in his head.

That said, I think I should have been strong enough to address it and I think you should too. This is not something you want to life to regret because you didn't pipe up and tell him how things are for you...there are sadly not really second changes for this and the wondow is narrow for us all in the grand scheme of things.

Oh, and as for the travelling. We travel a lot and as a baby and child I was moved to several different countries with my parents. Children do not need to stop your life or stop your DH talking that next great job ina a new place. You just travel as 3 not 2...

Good luck!
I DO feel for you.

Flirty x

your DP might feel that having a baby might stop him moving and doing his job.. people do move and relocate with children, it can be harder and more wearing, but people do do it! having a baby does not put a full stop to your life., it might make it more challenging , but it also adds a lot too.

he is always going to be looking for the next thing to move to, but fertility is not infinite and the issue needs looking at now.

good luck!

hope it works out for you,figgy,

lou we are in a very similar position
it is amazing how situations which you think will never turn, sometimes do, so fingers crossed fig

Hey FigFingers,

I think you need to talk to him and find out what he REALLY wants. It's all very well for him to look at "exciting new roles and opportunities" but what about you? Does he ask you what you want?

From someone on the outside, it looks like he's being slightly selfish and just expects you to tag along for these adventures, without compromise.

I don't know him and so I could have got him completely wrong as I can only go by what you're saying and I think I'm probably reading between the lines and I'm likely to be wrong. But I just feel for you in your situation. I'm 34 and only got married 3 months ago, nothing to do with a career, just didn't meet the right guy. So we're only starting to try now and I'm already paranoid that there may be something wrong. I think that's natural once you reach our age.

I guess that's the question that you need to ask yourself, is he definitely the right guy to have children with?

That may sound harsh but feel that I should ask.

Also, you may want to point out the news story in the UK yesterday where it said that they've got new scientific evidence that a man's fertility is also reduced from the age of 35.... might give him a kick up the backside...

Hope it all works out for you

xxx

I think that you have been given sound advice. I desperately wanted a third child, and my DH was adamant that we had a complete family. But, after he didn't use a condom one evening last month, we thought I might be pregnant (I had sickness and other symptoms, which I now think was just hormonal shifting), and the subject came up again.

After this 'scare' for him, he realised that he doesn't feel complete, and we are TTC. BUT I couldn't do it behind his back. No matter how much I wanted another.

I would put the ball into his court.
Explain you don't want to continue the pill, and that if he really thinks the time is not right , then the onus is on him to use condoms.
Hopefully, he won't be as exacting as he could be using condoms....
I think you need to spell out to him how important this it to you to have children, and that as a woman your fertility window is not endless, and he needs to respect your desire for a child, as much as you respect his need to find exciting moves.
And that your desire really should happen soon in the next 5 years, whereas his desire will last all your lives together
I think also you are not persuading him to have a child when he really doesn't want one, he does want one, just not yet, like most men.
And they think you can, really like hollywood celebs, have babies into your 40s without problems