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When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

DH doesn’t always get the importance of the fertile window

97 replies

RibenaCocktail · 30/10/2026 11:47

My DH and I have been TTC our first for 7mths, which I get isn’t that long in the grand scheme and compared to others, but unfortunately there are some factors which means the odds are likely to be unfavorable for us, which means timing of sex etc are really important.
Firstly, I’m older (37) and have been found to have fibroids which may cause some issues.

My husband is younger (33) however he has also been found to have a slightly lower sperm count from tests we did privately before TTC. When he was a baby he was born with his testes internal, which was then removed when he was 2, but this is also believed to have an impact.

However, my husband also has another medical condition which causes a lot of chronic pain on his back and hips etc when it flares up. When he has a pain flare up, it can be really hard for him to do some movements (so it takes sex out the equation) and he can be quite tired and understandably not in the mood for it.

When he is not having a flare up, he is normal and has a high sex drive, and sex is good - the problem is that these times don’t always fit my fertile window and ovulation.

for the past two months now, when I have been ovulating (I am using the sticks) I try to initiate sex, but he has been in too much pain and uncomfortable, and asks to wait til tomorrow etc, but then I get frustrated because I am trying to explain to him that we only have a very small window of 12 hours or less. So we have missed ovulation, two months in a row now and I’m devastated.
My DH feels that it’s not such a big deal as he thinks as long as we have unprotected sex as regularly as we can, he believes it’s possible any time of my cycle even though I have countless told him about the fertile window etc.

it’s caused so many arguments and he does feel awful and I don’t want to blame or resent him as I know he can’t help it, but I feel so disappointed when he turns down sex at the crucial time because of his pain, but then expects that we will fall pregnant the following week when he feels better.

we have a GP appointment in a couple weeks time as it’s been over 6months now, but I feel that we haven’t even been maxing our chances by having sex at the best points of my cycle and so GP wil probably tell us to go away and be more intentional about timings but when my partner has a pain flare up, it’s just impossible.

im so worried and sad and beginning to lose hope now, but I also feel very guilty for putting this on him, as I know it’s not his fault.

does anyone have any advice for us?

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 30/10/2026 23:32

Nobabyyet296 · 30/10/2026 23:28

Because by that point she is outside her fertile window so no amount of attempts at “baby making” will work. Her husband doesn’t seem to understand how the female cycle works

Show quote history

Nor do a lot of posters on this thread. OP is 37 and her husband's sperm is poor. If he continues to be unable to have sex at every ovulation window, something more is going on. If he won't try the turkey baster, something more is going on.

Nobabyyet296 · 30/10/2026 23:28

SapphireOpal · 30/10/2026 12:05

Then what are you arguing about?

Show quote history

Because by that point she is outside her fertile window so no amount of attempts at “baby making” will work. Her husband doesn’t seem to understand how the female cycle works

BCBird · 30/10/2026 23:20

If he has a flare up.and is in pain, sex is the last thing he wants to be doing.

feelingalittlehorse · 30/10/2026 22:14

OP, I know it’s so so so annoying when people say this, but tbh, we just ditched the sticks and had as much sex as possible. It was causing me lots of stress and frustration (and bitterness with ‘failed’ months), and it put my partner under a lot of pressure.

Sorry not to be of more help, wishing you all the best.

Thepossibility · 30/10/2026 21:33

Turkey baster. I'm not joking.

TheLurpackYears · 30/10/2026 20:59

You can do this!!!
If you’re having sex every couple of days in the week before the middle of your cycle, you’ll be doing your best, get plenty of sperm sloshing around.
Disclaimer: my children are in double digits now, but I was in my late 40s when I had them and my ex husband was technically firing blanks due to illness when my second was conceived.

Sunbringer · 30/10/2026 20:49

There is no point getting angry… he can’t have sex when in pain and that’s that no matter if it’s the fertile window or not.

seven201 · 30/10/2026 20:27

We were trying for 6 years for dc2 (including lots of fertility treatment). We did use the pot and syringe method occasionally eg I had the flu, dh had a bad back, just really didn’t want sex etc. Took a bit of the pressure off. Try chatting to him about it again with him.

HelloDarknessmyoldfrenemy · 30/10/2026 16:08

10cupsofcoffeeplease · 30/10/2026 16:01

Unfortunately the entire process is on the woman. You are the one getting pregnant, and god help you if you need IVF. This is why men just don't take it seriously. He's not the one thinking about ovulation, remembering to buy a test from the pharmacy, remembering to take vitamins, etc etc. So it's all very far removed from him. It's basically the start of the mental load that women with children talk about. Useless men don't care and never will.

This! So depressing seeing so many people recommend treating him like a child! “Bad for his self-esteem if he thinks you want sex because it’s your fertile window” etc. No! If he is an adult and you have had an adult conversion about having a baby and both agreed to try it should be both of your responsibility to make it work. Not just the woman’s. Sex not in the fertile window is not “baby making”.

If he wants a baby he is going to have to face facts. Otherwise I’d agree with previous posters that he is future faking and doesn’t actually want a baby.

Jestulle · 30/10/2026 16:05

Tbh with dd2 we had quite a relaxed attitude to ttc as I refused to get obsessed with it, and dd1 playing up and general parental tiredness/work trips/life meant we missed entire cycles of fertile windows and I gave up even monitoring with ovulation sticks. We had sex when we wanted to and had time to (which wasn't all that often under the circumstances). I just figured that what was meant to be will be. We managed to conceive twice with that approach and I was over 41.

10cupsofcoffeeplease · 30/10/2026 16:01

Unfortunately the entire process is on the woman. You are the one getting pregnant, and god help you if you need IVF. This is why men just don't take it seriously. He's not the one thinking about ovulation, remembering to buy a test from the pharmacy, remembering to take vitamins, etc etc. So it's all very far removed from him. It's basically the start of the mental load that women with children talk about. Useless men don't care and never will.

redfishcat · 30/10/2026 15:55

I think there are enough of us who are very cynical and have seen enough posts on here to be able to see the facts, what is actually happening, and to be able to ignore the words your otherwise perfect husband is saying.
Please be careful as no one capable of holding down a job is not able to understand the very simple fact that a women can only get pregnant on a very few days each month.
And be aware of your fertility window and make sure you don’t leave it too late.

Pain is very hard to spot in another person. It doesn’t make you go red, or have a rash, or a swollen tummy.

Of course you want to believe he really does want kids, but I am not the only who thinks his words and his actions don’t add up. Just be aware of this…..

Skybluecoat · 30/10/2026 15:35

RibenaCocktail · 30/10/2026 12:30

Yes I am sure, he is my husband and I love him dearly. That’s not really a helpful response.

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Fair enough.

It’s just that you have made him sound extremely thick.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/10/2026 15:30

I can see your difficulty.
The reality is that you need his sperm at a very particular time.

Do get yourself a self-insemination kit and just DIY. It's unfortunate that he finds this a problem but if he's too stupid to understand very basic biology, you'll have to take the initiative.

StopGo · 30/10/2026 15:29

Is this medical condition hereditary and/or likely to degenerative? That may be in his mind

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/10/2026 15:26

Honestly based on what youve written I'm not 100% convinced he particularly wants to have a baby

MagicThanks · 30/10/2026 15:23

RibenaCocktail · 30/10/2026 14:10

Thank you for the helpful responses and also those who have empathized with me while also making me see things in a different way. I do accept that I have been placing pressure on my husband without meaning to, and going forward I am going to give it a few months of not telling him when my fertile window is and prioritising sex where we can, if he is able to, in the week and days leading up to ovulation. I was aware before that this is a key time to conceive but as DH was found to have slightly lower than average sperm mobility and viability in tests, there was a worry that his sperm would not survive the normal 3-5 days. However, I hear the advice loud and clear to take the pressure off to get the spark back into intimacy, so I’ll start from there, and maybe have to consider home insemination later down the line unless we get any other directions from the GP. I was just keen to hear anyone else experiences if they may have also had a similar issue, and I’m grateful to those that have taken time to respond to me.
However I have to say the responses suggesting my husband is thick, or not able to be a parent because of pain flare ups, or that I am forcing him to have sex through pain, have been very unhelpful and far from the truth.

I get your thinking, but if the sperm cell was too weak to survive a few days inside it wouldn’t result in a viable pregnancy anyway. Even with low count and low mobility it only takes one good one to get pregnant. As often as you are able, doesn’t have to be every day, but for the first 2.5 weeks of the cycle, you’re golden. Good luck - took us 17 months and it was shit having to wait but now we have 2 in primary and it was so so worth it xx

MagicThanks · 30/10/2026 15:18

OP you don’t only have 24 hours a month. Sperm live 5 days inside you, you want to be having sex BEFORE your peak as well as on it. So if you have sex as many days as you can between your period ending and the day after your peak on the strips, you gave it a good go and are in with a chance.
You want sperm sat waiting for the egg to come out.
I say until the day after because when I fell pregnant with my son I thought I was out that month as we didn’t have sex until the day after I ovulated (he’s 8 now).
But I get what you’re saying, if you ovulated 3 days ago then it’s just sex for fun, not “baby making”.

Cheese55 · 30/10/2026 15:17

seahorsessky · 30/10/2026 15:13

With his medical condition, maybe he has to take pills at certain times, and doesn't want to make a child at that moment? In the same way as if a man is having a night of binge drinking, he often decide not to try to get his wife pregnant at that time. And before anyone says it, yes some couples don't even think about not drinking or seem to only think about the mum!
Obviously don't expect you to give details on here, but it was just something that might be relevant.

There is no way this is relevant to their situation.

seahorsessky · 30/10/2026 15:13

With his medical condition, maybe he has to take pills at certain times, and doesn't want to make a child at that moment? In the same way as if a man is having a night of binge drinking, he often decide not to try to get his wife pregnant at that time. And before anyone says it, yes some couples don't even think about not drinking or seem to only think about the mum!
Obviously don't expect you to give details on here, but it was just something that might be relevant.

CorkedWellbeing · 30/10/2026 14:54

Oh OP 🫂 ❤️
I remember the frustration of 'missed months' so well, and when I was using Clomid to help me ovulate and we still missed a window, I had such an epic meltdown I think I slightly terrified my poor DP.
What I will say is that whilst the ovulation sticks are a good indicator, they aren't always spot on.
Our daughter arrived as a result of a "missed window"! The stick told me to go, go, go!
DP got stage fright and it was a bust!
The two days later, we had sex for fun, zero pressure because I thought we'd missed our chance ... Boom! After years of trying and so many losses, our perfect, miracle baby arrived!

If we were trying for a second, this time round, I wouldn't mention the word ovulation to DP. I wouldn't tell him when I was ovulating or what the sticks said. I was desperate for a baby, and panicking, but the harder I pushed for perfect timings, the less able he was and the more defensive he became. If your partner has chronic pain, I'm not saying he is using it as an excuse of course not, but he is more likely to not want to try if he thinks it is a pressured event or if it feels like he needs to "perform" when he is already having a tough time.

And for you too, if you are regular and you have a fairly good idea of when your window is each month, maybe try just putting the sticks away for a couple of months. Take the pressure off yourself too.

Wishing you the very, very best OP xxx

Original poster
RibenaCocktail · 30/10/2026 14:10

Thank you for the helpful responses and also those who have empathized with me while also making me see things in a different way. I do accept that I have been placing pressure on my husband without meaning to, and going forward I am going to give it a few months of not telling him when my fertile window is and prioritising sex where we can, if he is able to, in the week and days leading up to ovulation. I was aware before that this is a key time to conceive but as DH was found to have slightly lower than average sperm mobility and viability in tests, there was a worry that his sperm would not survive the normal 3-5 days. However, I hear the advice loud and clear to take the pressure off to get the spark back into intimacy, so I’ll start from there, and maybe have to consider home insemination later down the line unless we get any other directions from the GP. I was just keen to hear anyone else experiences if they may have also had a similar issue, and I’m grateful to those that have taken time to respond to me.
However I have to say the responses suggesting my husband is thick, or not able to be a parent because of pain flare ups, or that I am forcing him to have sex through pain, have been very unhelpful and far from the truth.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 30/10/2026 14:07

The week after ovulation is no use, but if you had sex the day before you ovulate then there would still be sperm around. I'd suggest having sex every other day from a week after your period until a couple of days after you ovulate and then if he needs a day off you are still maximising your chances.

If he has a backache still covering the week before and ovulation itself, he is either future faking you or you need to start manual insemination (I don't say "self" as he can still be quite involved!).

Original poster
RibenaCocktail · 30/10/2026 14:05

CherryKerry · 30/10/2026 13:59

No one should be pestered for sex and absolutely definitely not when it will cause them pain.

Generally it ends up in a 'you're in an abusive relationship LTB' rinse and repeat MN thread when the roles are reversed.

I just want to clarify something - Initiating sex, and then backing off straight away when he says no because he is in pain, and then not asking him again, is not the same as pestering him. I have never pestered or forced or guilt tripped him. I can understand that when I tell him about ovulation and the window etc it can put pressure on him, I have heard this perspective from the responses and taking it on board and going forward I am not going to tell him where I am in my cycle and take that pressure off him completely. Thank you for those helpful responses that suggested this to me. But please, the responses suggesting I am pestering or forcing him to have sex when he is in pain are not accurate and my husband has never even suggested I am pestering him or forcing.

OP posts:
CherryKerry · 30/10/2026 13:59

No one should be pestered for sex and absolutely definitely not when it will cause them pain.

Generally it ends up in a 'you're in an abusive relationship LTB' rinse and repeat MN thread when the roles are reversed.

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