DH doesn’t always get the importance of the fertile window

I'm very sorry that you got so many unkind and unhelpful responses @RibenaCocktail

Good luck at the GP. Hopefully they can help your husband understand biology a bit better. Also good luck with hiding the thread.

@CloveRinse I think you’re being quite unfair. I know nothing about you so don’t want to assume but if you had experienced challenges with trying to conceive / infertility or losses I suspect you would understand more.

this is quite a good article which explains it from a human standpoint https://www.thecut.com/2016/09/ask-polly-why-do-women-obsess-about-babies-and-fertility.html

All you need to do is go and have a look at the conception boards on this website to see that @RibenaCocktail behaviour / thoughts is really not that abnormal for people trying to conceive. If that’s not how you would or did do it thays completely fine but I don’t think it’s right to frame her as totally mental when actually there are a vast majority of women checking ovulation windows, using ovulation kits (some multiple times / day) measuring their basal body temperature. I don’t know why youce said “this man does not owe you sex, he does not owe you a pregnancy” - OP has said that both her and her husband WANT a baby. In order to do that sex needs to happen at an optimal time. For some people they don’t even have to think about it and for others there is planning involved. I would suspect that OP would love not to have to make conception a military operation but there is a level of anxiety when TTC aged over 35 especially when you know there is a low sperm count. OP has made it clear she is not forcing her partner in anyway but feels upset when they have missed what she believed to be the fertility window . I just can’t see what is so galling about that. @RibenaCocktail perhaps post in the “getting pregnant” section where there may be more people who understand

@RibenaCocktail

I did read your responses.

You seem OBSESSED with this whole TTC thing, it has to be this day, ovulation monitoring, his low sperm quality, missed days, his pain flare ups that get in the way of your carefully curated ovulation calendar.

It should NOT be like this.

Do you love this man? If you do, then you need to treat him much more kindly. You are defending yourself because of ovulation windows but you are being a really horrible partner with all your "disappointment" "missed window" etc.

Just stop. This man does not owe you sex and he does not owe you a pregnancy. And I don't think this level of angst is helpful AT ALL if you are TTC.

Just calm down. Be kind. If you actually love your DH as you say you do, just please, calm down.

I cannot think of anything more unattractive than sex being initiated on some sort of cycle. You say you back off - but do you think he is actually so stupid to not realise what you are doing? You are literally forcing him to "perform on demand".

Do you not think he is already aware and self conscious about his low sperm count? Do you really not think he knows this, and has feelings about this?

It's just you you you you all the time.

Do you actually love this man?

Imagine if, post partum, you don't want to have sex for a while. How would you want to be treated?

Geez.

As PP said, you are going to ruin your relationship if you don't calm down. It's not meant to be like this.

In addition to the other comments on this thread I would just say that when you think you are ovulating may not actually be accurate even if you are using the sticks etc. I have conceived twice the week after when I thought ovulation was, ie when I thought it was already too late for that month.

Oh and there isn’t a 12 hour window? Sperm lives up to 5 days so sex in the days before you ovulate is best. Don’t wait for a positive test.

Being a parent especially the toddler years is the most physical intense thing we’ve ever done. Ofc it will affect his ability to parent, you need to be prepared for that. And what jf he has a flare you whilst you’re giving birth? You need to be realistic about much is going to fall on you.
it’s unfair youre getting angry with him, he’s in pain. It’s probably worth trying at home insemination, or seeing the GP for a referral tk get IUI?

What do you want him to do? Grovel, apologise, cry? He can't have sex, he's in pain. End of.

You're going to ruin your relationship at this rate, never mind sex.

And he is right. You can't ONLY get pregnant within 12 hours of ovulation, you're being far too obsessive.

The poor bloke will wake up one night to OP and a turkey baster 🤣😂😂

It sounds like you could both do with a beginners guide to conception.

You say he’s not taking it seriously, but then leap down anyone’s throat who suggests he might not be keen. You say there’s a 12 hour window. You’ve got more like a week. Ovulation sticks have very little evidence to support their use in timing sex for conception. They’re helpful for confirming ovulation is occurring.

@RibenaCocktail also TTC and I know how hard it is for both of you as a couple. It’s so easy to say “just relax and it will happen” and the minute you stop thinking about it it will happen but when you’ve had a couple of unsuccessful cycles, and are unfortunately at the age where egg quality does start to decline (I’m the same age as you!) it’s completely reasonable to start feeling anxious about it. I didn’t realise how all consuming TTC can be and the people who are essentially saying “chill out” either have been very lucky to not have to go through that or are just very chilled people which is great for them - but we don’t all have the same personality’s it’s hard when you want something badly that ultimately you have very little control over and is very much down to chance.

I also haven’t read anything youce said as you trying to force / pressure your husband into having sex although I am struggling to see how he’s finding it hard to understand the fertile window / how long an egg lasts etc. Im taking a differebt approach and suggesting having a further very open conversation with your partner. You not being completely open about how you’re feeling will breed resentment. He doesn’t need infantilising - you need to just be clear and explain sensitively that it’s frustrating when he says try another week down the line because that will not be baby making. You have a limited window period and his sperm quality has been shown to be low - this isn’t you overreacting but trying to optimise as much as you can. Obviously you understand you can’t have sex when he’s in pain nor should you want to but I think seriously discussing the insemination kits and having them at home as a “just in case” around your fertile window sounds like a great plan. Maybe explore the reasons why this is upsetting him so much? Good luck

Or it just shows he wants to have sex and is making a joke

What did I just read?!

He is in PAIN?

Do you care about this man at all? Or you just care for his sperm. Geez.

Thanks. I’m aware. Thats why I said fertile window as opposed to ovulation. Sperm can live up to 5 days so the 5 days leading up to ovulation is the fertile window. Having sex in the week after that is not going to produce a baby, no matter how much someone may want it to.

I also don’t expect him to perform if in pain but he could at least acknowledge that it means they can’t try for another month.

him saying one week let “let’s do some baby making” shows he is ignorant of the female cycle and must be frustrating for the op as she knows is physically impossible

As long as it’s prior to the window the sperm can live and impregnate her. So there is a point outside of the 12 hours, not after yes but before. And he probably does understand but is upset and in pain and isn’t a sperm machine but a husband.

Or maybe her husband feels like OP is just in need of a sperm ATM and doesn't need him past that point I wouldn't really be in the mood for sex in his position either! Imagine if you were in pain and your husband was hounding you for sex you'd rightfully tell him to get lost

This!

Imagine this situation in reverse! "I get terrible back pain but my husband desperately wants a baby so pressures me to have set in my fertile period even when I tell him I'm in pain and sex makes it worse."

Everyone would tell you to LTB!

Can’t you separate sex from conception? Do the fun stuff when you’re able, use a turkey baster when needed.

Your fertile window is longer than twelve hours. Look it up.

Though it sounds as if he isn't really bothered, and I'd be wondering about future faking.

Plus, a man with pain flare ups as severe as his seem to be might not be the most available or reliable co-parent even if you do manage to get pregnant.

Do you have a case of tunnel vision here? Are you looking at the big picture?

OP have a look at the sperm meets egg plan, it sets out the best times to have sex and might help you as you have a slightly bigger window than you think you do.

I totally understand the frustration of but being able to get pregnant easily and I think your DH is being ridiculous with his comments.

OP does not seem to understand that the ovulation sticks are not that accurate at predicting her ovulation/fertility window especially for a woman with her health conditions.

I don’t think he is dismissive of the fertile window concept, he is naturally pushing back on your guilt tripping him when he can’t or doesn’t want to have sex. The ovulation sticks do not accurately predict ovulation, they measure with 99% accuracy any surge in LSH which can happen for many reasons that result in no ovulation happening in the next 1-3days like the sticks promise.

The arguing about him not being up for it often enough in your opinion and essentially blaming him for not being pregnant yet is going to make sex increasingly off the table.

No one wants their value to be reduced to their perceived baby making ability, man or woman. The pressure must be unbearable. Just ask the GP about artificial insemination fgs and take the stress out of sex. Have sex to enjoy it.