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Original poster

Heartbroken about IVF

33 replies

InfertilityShminterfility · 09/02/2026 10:57

I'm really struggling at the moment. My first IVF appointment is coming up this month and the closer I get to it, the more I feel like a failure.

I'm angry that friends and family don't understand, don't know what to say and therefore either ignore the subject entirely, or try to be overly positive which ends up being quite dismissive. Everyone seems to think that IVF is a doddle, a miracle that'll get us our baby first time and any time I've tried to explain that's not the case, I feel like I'm deemed pessimistic. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a drama queen and no one actually cares. I've barely spoken to anyone about how I'm actually feeling because I'm scared I'll be dismissed.

I feel like I'm about to go through something huge and life changing and daunting and absolutely no one (apart from my husband) cares. And I KNOW that most people truly don't actually care what their friends and family are going through because they're removed from it, it's not happening to them so what do they actually care, but I feel so disappointed with people.

My friend just told me she's pregnant and I feel like such an idiot for having spoken to her recently about IVF, now knowing that she was pregnant and I just didn't know it yet, and I feel like she was just sitting there either laughing at me or pitying me. It makes me feel SO small and so stupid.

And the dumbest thing is that I was prepared for this, I'd read over and over again women on these boards saying how isolating IVF is and that so many people don't care, don't know what to say, avoid the subject entirely but this has all come as a massive slap in the face, I feel so downtrodden.

I'm the emotional bin for everyone else. I talk everyone through their problems and feelings and I support them and then when I need it in return, I don't get it. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
Otterbabiesholdhandstosleep · 09/02/2026 11:58

I think if you want your friends to talk with you about it then you’re going to need to be the one to start those conversations. If your female friends had no issues having their own babies they may be super wary of getting on to the subject of your IVF because they worry that there’s nothing they can say which doesn’t risk making them sound pitying or smug or just tone deaf. That doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be able to hear you and support you talking about it if that’s what you want, just that they don’t want to upset you by saying the wrong thing and the usual friend thing of relating and talking similar personal experiences is just not going to work here.

TalulahJP · 09/02/2026 11:56

i’ll suggest to you what i tell my friends, acupuncture has a good track record of helping couples get pregnant and i’d highly recommend.

have a look for local ones who specialise in fertility and women’s health.

it can really make a difference to getting pregnant and staying pregnant. the ones i’ve been to (not for that for my other health issues) have walls covered in baby photos and thank you cards.

at £60 a go here it’s well worth trying it. you obv want to do all you can to have a baby and acupuncture is a good starting point. it does stuff western medicines cannot do. we don’t really understand it in the uk but i put my trust in them because i know from personal experience it works. the therapists understand it and that’s all i need to know. we ate too busy with big pharma. this is a good alternative. also good for morning sickness, worry, fear and stress etc.

Smartiepants79 · 09/02/2026 11:54

Are you talking about it, with them?? Do you bring up the subject? If you do and they’re not engaging in the conversation then that’s not so good. Bit if you don’t then I’m not that surprised that they aren’t starting that conversation. I don’t think I would really, unless it was my sister. It’s a very difficult thing to get right as some women don’t want to discuss it all.
Also it is possible to be sad and concerned about things happening in your friends life (like infertility) without pitying them. Your friend may well have put off telling you about her pregnancy so she wouldn’t upset you. Many threads on here talk about how they don’t want to hear about others pregnancy when they’re struggling themselves.
If you want specific things from people you have to tell them. I hope this journey brings you what you want and it’s as smooth as possible.

Original poster
InfertilityShminterfility · 09/02/2026 11:48

Otterbabiesholdhandstosleep · 09/02/2026 11:11

I have two suggestions for you. Firstly, does the IVF clinic offer counseling sessions? You need to get all these thoughts and feelings off your chest with someone who knows what IVF is like and who has experience helping women going through it.
Secondly, once you’ve found that support from someone who does understand, cut yourself a bit of slack here. You’re imagining all your friends and family pitying you or laughing at you or just not caring. Is it really that they don’t care about you or more that they don’t know what to say to help you and they are trying but just keep missing the mark. They are not emotionally invested in whether IVF works or not for you because they love YOU and they will love you regardless of whether or not you have a child. When the thing you want most in the world is a child then I can see how their reactions would hurt but don’t fall into the trap of feeling like no one cares about you. I’m sure they do, they just aren’t equipped to give you the support you need in the way you need right now.
So, find support from someone who does understand, and trust that your family and friends not understanding your pain right now does not mean they don’t love you, just that they don’t understand.

I'm sure it does, but we just haven't got that far yet. I'll be accepting any counselling offered though, I won't shy away from it at all.

I know you're right and it's what my husband has been saying too. I'm positive they don't know what to say or do, and not once have I ever held that against them in any other bad situation in life (granted not as shitty as this, more like grandparents and pets dying, bad news at work, etc). I'm not relying on any of them to know exactly what to say or how to make me feel better. I'm more just baffled that it's not mentioned at all. It's like it isn't happening. I've described it as I feel like I've dyed my hair bright pink and everyone can see, but no one has mentioned it. It's very isolating.

OP posts:
Everlore · 09/02/2026 11:48

It sounds like you are having a difficult time so please be kind and gentle to yourself. I am also sure that your friends and family are not laughing at or pitying you. They will just want what's best for you, though they may not always be able to pick the appropriate language to convey that.
My husband and I welcomed our perfect baby girl, conceived by IVF, last year and, while it was a long and sometimes harrowing journey, we were still able to find joy in life while going through the treatment. Needing to use IVF to conceive should be absolutely no source of shame or despair and while, yes, it comes with no guarantees of success and the process can be heartbreaking at times, there is no need to begin treatment with an impending sense of dread as it can offer a wonderful ray of hope to those suffering from infertility which would not be available otherwise. It is a magnificent medical marvel to which we have only had access for under fifty years, I think it is worth remembering that the outlook for people in our position would have been much bleaker in the days before IVF.
We chose to tell almost nobody we were having IVF. This was not due to any sense of shame but because I did not want the extra stress of well-meaning friends and family asking how the process was going, especially when we had no happy news for them yet. My husband and I were able to support each other and our fertility clinic were wonderful. I know this approach would not work for everyone, but sharing our struggles with others just was not something we were comfortable with.
Wishing you all the best on your journey. x

Meadowfinch · 09/02/2026 11:30

Op, if as you say, no one cares that you are going through IVF, why would they be laughing at you or pitying you? That doesn't make sense.

A close friend of mine went through IVF. She told me it was in the plan and I knew when the first appointment was.

It's a personal medical issue so I was careful not to pry, restricted myself to a general "how are you?" I couldn't advise her and knew little about the process but led by her if she wanted to talk.

Surely the IVf nurses are there to support you and are much better informed.

NotThatSerious · 09/02/2026 11:14

Hey op

sounds like your really going through it❤️

I don’t know anything about IVF but I can promise you no one will be laughing at you or anything alike. If I were your friends/family I would welcome you sitting me down and having a heart to heart about how you feel and what your expectations are from family etc.

your not alone. A lot of people won’t understand but that doesn’t make your journey any less important. ❤️

Otterbabiesholdhandstosleep · 09/02/2026 11:11

I have two suggestions for you. Firstly, does the IVF clinic offer counseling sessions? You need to get all these thoughts and feelings off your chest with someone who knows what IVF is like and who has experience helping women going through it.
Secondly, once you’ve found that support from someone who does understand, cut yourself a bit of slack here. You’re imagining all your friends and family pitying you or laughing at you or just not caring. Is it really that they don’t care about you or more that they don’t know what to say to help you and they are trying but just keep missing the mark. They are not emotionally invested in whether IVF works or not for you because they love YOU and they will love you regardless of whether or not you have a child. When the thing you want most in the world is a child then I can see how their reactions would hurt but don’t fall into the trap of feeling like no one cares about you. I’m sure they do, they just aren’t equipped to give you the support you need in the way you need right now.
So, find support from someone who does understand, and trust that your family and friends not understanding your pain right now does not mean they don’t love you, just that they don’t understand.