Heartbroken about IVF

The injections/hormones affect everyone differently and friends of mine who have had multiple rounds say every round is different too, but to be honest, I felt completely fine. The only part that I found hard was the last few days before egg collection because my ovaries were so big. I was very uncomfortable and grumpy for around 3 days, but was fine after. I was sore after the retrieval for a day or two, but that quickly goes away too.

When you first get your meds, it can be overwhelming just down to the sheer volume of them (I wish someone had told me this because I burst into tears when I saw all the boxes), but remember that it’s only a small amount every day, take it step by step. Buy a diary or wall chart so you can write all meds down and tick them off, and get yourself an ice pack to use before injections (game changer!). Before you know it, you’ll be all done and it’ll be time for egg collection. 🩷 you’ll be brilliant x

Like other posters, this isn’t something I would directly ask a friend about. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t ask people about ANY medical procedures because those kinds of things are personal and often private. So I’m one of those who sticks with platitudes like ‘How is everything going?’ or ‘How are you doing?’ I would hope that friends can respond to that by opening up if they want to, or by changing the subject if that’s what suits them.

I wish you all the very best for your treatment.

I had a lot of 'are you excited?' too. And people who meant well. I have two lovely, wonderful friends who would ask me about every stage - which I did so appreciate - but then it'd be 'ooh, you got eight mature eggs retrieved! WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABIES!' and I did have to keep saying look, it probably won't work. I don't think they really got how tricky it was that they'd keep referring to 'the baby' when I knew very well it was quite unlikely for there to be any baby.

I would say, it's fine to explain to people what it's like, because when people really don't know, they don't know what to say. I agree with the PP who talks about breaking it down into stages, but you can do that for friends/family too. So at the moment they might understand better if you say 'we're nervous about the first appointment because we will find out x, y and z which might be difficult' (for me, for example, I didn't know if I had enough eggs left). Then later on you might be saying 'I'm struggling because I'm on progesterone for IVF and it's a sort of artificial menopause, so I feel a bit crap'.

Then people understand better.

Someone I know told me very bluntly (which I appreciated) that she had had absolutely no clue what IVF involved until I did it. She genuinely did not realise what it was like. And why would she?

I think the thing to remember is that this isnt specific to IVF. You’d find the same if you were going through chemo, or redundancy or a bereavement, or big exams or an international house move.

People who haven’t been through it don’t get it. They won’t know automatically what you need. And what you need wouldnt automatically suit someone else, so even those who have been through it might not automatically give you what you need because they wouldn’t have liked that themselves.

We’re not great about talking about hard, emotional, stressful stuff. Talk to your DH about it, he’s who’ll you need to lean on the most.

If the treatment is successful you’ll finish IVF pregnant, which is a whole other hard, stressful thing with no rest in between. You need to pace yourself, keep yourself calm and keep everything in perspective.

Marathon, not sprint, one step at a time.

OP, I totally understand where you’re coming from. DH (35) and I (31) had been trying for 2 years when we decided to IVF. In those 2 years, I had a PCOS diagnosis, 1 ectopic pregnancy which resulted in a rupture at 12 weeks and a lost tube. And you know what? When DH and I told people we were doing IVF, the responses we got were “oooh are you excited?!” - excited? Are you fucking kidding me?!?! NO. We are terrified!

Honestly, people have no idea. Like you said, people think IVF will magically result in success and a baby first time. How little they know! But we can’t blame them because most people never have to go through the process and can’t even fathom the heartbreak and emotional turmoil.

If it helps, we’ve had a good experience so far. We did our first round in January 2025 - ended up with a good result (25 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 10 fertilised, 6 blastocysts). We didn’t end up transferring any yet due to personal reasons. But we have 6 very good quality embryos in the freezer waiting for us when we’re ready.

Hoping for a great result for you. Just remember to take care of yourself. Go for walks, get sunlight, rest enough. 🩷

Ok, I think you are tying up all sorts of separate things into one ball:

IVF - it’s a big thing. It’s a significant and important thing in your life. But it’s a marathon, not a sprint and you need to take it step by step.

Take a deep breath and take it in stages. Focus on the next step, not the whole marathon. There’s nothing to be scared about. It’s not “fun” but there are worse things to go through.

People who havent been through it don’t understand, of course they don’t.

Your friends and family - it sounds like you feel you’ve done lots of them and not got much back. That’s a separate thing from the IVF. It’s ok to step back from
being quite as available to other people while you are going through something difficult. Think about where your boundaries generally need shoring up.

No one is laughing at you. Why on Earth would they be?

Generally I find of you need supper it’s best to be explicit about what you need “I’m anxious about my IVF and want to sit down and talk though my worries please”

Best of luck 💐💐💐💐

I’ve got a friend who is going through IVF and if it weren’t for the fact she’s been so open about it (exactly what is happening and when), I have to admit I probably wouldn’t have asked either.

I care about her very much but I’m also aware it’s a very painful subject and the whole journey is filled with ‘what ifs’ and not being sure if it’s ok to feel hope or not. At times she too has felt like her body is failing her, especially when it feels like it happens so easily for everyone else. It all seems very unfair. Throughout it all, I’ve not wanted to upset her and had she not volunteered the info, I would have supported her generally but wouldn’t have asked specific questions in case I was causing her more upset. The last thing anyone wants to do is put their foot in it and hurt a friend who is already going through so much.

Of the people around you, have you got a couple of trusted friends you could really share with? Ask if you can explain what’s happening and the many ups and downs of the process? They might be grateful for the details and happy to support you in a more focused way. And yes, counselling might really help too.

I think it's really natural to be stressed and I can understand why it comes out in terms of social relationships. IVF is really lonely, and you naturally want to talk to someone, but some people are funny about it and some people don't understand. Have you found the Infertility board? There are long-running IVF threads there with people who will be very supportive (and people don't generally get into the 'have you tried x, you should try x because it's magic and you will get pregnant' nonsense, which personally I found really shit).

IVF is really hard and I do think a lot of people imagine it is very simple - you're just going to get all the hard work done in a test tube somewhere while you sit around. Wrong! And some people have a weird kind of hang-up about it. You wouldn't talk to them about your sex life, and in their minds, somehow, talking about IVF is a little the same, and they forget you might need a bit of support.

There absolutely is a tendency for people to presume IVF will be easy and will work first time, and/or to think that by being 'positive' and assuring you it'll work, they're helping. They probably mean well.

I don't think anyone feels you're small or stupid. It's just a rotten situation.

You need to find your people who will hold your hand through it. Good luck!

You’re not being completely unreasonable! Some people are rubbish about his kind of thing and will let you down a bit. It’s ok to feel this way as long as you recognise that sometimes you’re being a little unfair and act accordingly.

Are you talking about it, with them?? Do you bring up the subject? If you do and they’re not engaging in the conversation then that’s not so good. Bit if you don’t then I’m not that surprised that they aren’t starting that conversation. I don’t think I would really, unless it was my sister. It’s a very difficult thing to get right as some women don’t want to discuss it all.
Also it is possible to be sad and concerned about things happening in your friends life (like infertility) without pitying them. Your friend may well have put off telling you about her pregnancy so she wouldn’t upset you. Many threads on here talk about how they don’t want to hear about others pregnancy when they’re struggling themselves.
If you want specific things from people you have to tell them. I hope this journey brings you what you want and it’s as smooth as possible.

It sounds like you are having a difficult time so please be kind and gentle to yourself. I am also sure that your friends and family are not laughing at or pitying you. They will just want what's best for you, though they may not always be able to pick the appropriate language to convey that.
My husband and I welcomed our perfect baby girl, conceived by IVF, last year and, while it was a long and sometimes harrowing journey, we were still able to find joy in life while going through the treatment. Needing to use IVF to conceive should be absolutely no source of shame or despair and while, yes, it comes with no guarantees of success and the process can be heartbreaking at times, there is no need to begin treatment with an impending sense of dread as it can offer a wonderful ray of hope to those suffering from infertility which would not be available otherwise. It is a magnificent medical marvel to which we have only had access for under fifty years, I think it is worth remembering that the outlook for people in our position would have been much bleaker in the days before IVF.
We chose to tell almost nobody we were having IVF. This was not due to any sense of shame but because I did not want the extra stress of well-meaning friends and family asking how the process was going, especially when we had no happy news for them yet. My husband and I were able to support each other and our fertility clinic were wonderful. I know this approach would not work for everyone, but sharing our struggles with others just was not something we were comfortable with.
Wishing you all the best on your journey. x