Donor vs adoption

We have two donor conceived children. My husband is infertile. They are 21 and 19 now. They both have anonymous donors because that’s where things were in 2003 and 2005. Different donors because it wasn’t possible to have the same one. They have always known because we told them before they were old enough to understand (age appropriate books etc). We didn’t tell everyone at the time, just close family and friends. It’s up to them who they tell now. My DH is very much “dad”
and we shared childcare 50:50 when they were little.
Our eldest has done a bit of “finding out” and knows she has some half siblings but doesn’t feel that she wants to know more at the moment.
It was the way we decided to go and there’s never been a moment of regret. Good luck what ever you decide.

These are entirely different options op.
Not remotely similar.
I wish you well honestly. We adopted as we had moral concerns about donor conception. But it's entirely different. Our boy was six when we met him and eight when we adopted him, so no baby or even young child involved. He had so much life before us. Most of it absolutely shocking.
But even the day to day stuff. I had to ask him if he could swim, if he went to the men or womens public toilets, how he was getting on at his old school, had he ever been to Legoland, did he believe in Santa, could he wash his hair on his own.
I have never cut his toenails, he has never called me mum, he bizarrely (he is white)spoke Urdu from foster carers. He swore like a trooper, had no truck with non resilient children, announced that he didn't eat pork, went to bed at nine and didn't use a car seat. He knew himself way better than I did.
And of course he was severely traumatised.
If you just want to love a child adoption is not for you, as love is not enough. But it can be a brilliant experience. He is 30 now and by no means 'standard'. But he is kind of brilliant.

Go for donor. Most kids who are adopted are not babies, they have been abused or badly neglected and this shows in their behaviour and ability to attach. Even the babies have their own difficulties which may come out later in childhood. So many other reasons why not. I used to work in the field. yes they are success stories, but they are uncommon.

From another adopter, I totally agree with this.

Nothing wrong with it not being for you and better to acknowledge that now rather than go through the process and find it then.

I have no experience with adoption but I would say DH is a donor-conceived child (well, he’s 39!) and is very comfortable with it, his dad was his dad end of. I suspect you only see the online posts from people unhappy with it - those like my DH who don’t consider it a big deal won’t be posting online.

I understand the ethics element of it and it’s not to be ignored but I wouldn’t rule it out of the basis of adult children who aren’t comfortable with it - there are plenty who are.

Wishing you peace with your decision OP.

If you met the little I know who is placed for adoption, paperwork still ongoing, your fears I think would melt away, she’s a lovely little girl now 3. All children, biological or otherwise can have issues

If you are on tik tok or instagram I really recommend TheQueerMama’s page. She is donor conceived herself and has gone on to have children via donor conception. She is really insightful on this topic.

We adopted. I don't think it could love DD2 any more than I do. However her older sibling, 8 when adopted, was a lot more complex, there is love and commitment, just more complexity.

With a younger child through adoption there is more uncertainty over future development, and you have to appreciate that.

Adoption is a joint enterprise. Neither of us can claim or feel to be more or less of a parent due to biological link or lack of it. We are equal.

They are however 'children of our own', we are their 'real parents'.

I’m also sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time.

To be totally honest, and I hope this isn’t too blunt, it doesn’t sound like adoption is for you. Your post sounds like you have a very high need for control (nothing wrong with that) which isn’t really possible with all the variables in adoption.

I’m an adopter of two.

Sorry to hear of your struggles, it's clear that this decision is immensely hard for you.

I'm coming from a totally neutral position and without having had the experiences you have but perhaps you need perspective from someone who is detached emotionally from this decision. , I wonder why you believe that using a donor is morally wrong? I know of several same sex couples who have used donors, as well as friends who used donor sperm after the husband had been through cancer treatment. Surely the child grows up knowing that a donor was used because they were so desperately wanted and loved? Is there a forum where you are reading these horror stories?

I also think it's we are wired biologically to want children of our own so I really don't think you should feel shallow or selfish for that. It's the same reason so many couples go through IVF.

I wonder if there is any sort of professional, counsellor type person who can help you talk through your thoughts and feelings and advise. That might help?

Best of luck and I hope you come to a decision with peace