Donor vs adoption

Maybe not cruel, but it can indeed be difficult for a donor conceived child growing up, dealing with issues as identity and genetic belonging.

It was twenty years ago, and I can honestly say that it’s the best thing we ever did.

I have never felt a need to have biological children and felt no trauma related to infertility, so it was a very practical decision which I never doubted. I wanted to be a mum and felt like I could be a good (enough) mum to a child or children with challenges.

The kids have their own struggles but have overcome huge amounts of adversity, they have contact with birth siblings and we see them regularly (I know this isn’t for everyone).

There are no secrets, no shame around it. They have always known everything in an age appropriate way.

With adoption there are different dynamics to consider and you have minimal choice over that (if you’re putting the kids first), the outcomes can be really different for each child depending on their life experience. Social services can be a bloody nightmare to deal with and anecdotally aren’t always forthcoming with information. Your children might want to meet birth mum at some point, and you need to (in my view) support them to make their own choices and put your own ego and emotions on the back seat.

Its not for everyone, but for us our chaotic, mixed up, confusing family is perfect.

Sorry, that was stomach churningly saccharine!

I think I take issue with this a bit. I think saying success stories are 'uncommon' is unfair in my opinion. Though I guess it depends what you define as 'success stories'.

I would define both of ours as success, despite the difficulties we / they have had. We haven't had drugs, violence, serious self harm, criminality. Our young adults have had better educational and emotional outcomes than if they had been left with their birth families.

But yes, obviously there are major impacts from early life experiences (and their genetics).

Adoption over donor - when the topic came up during our IVF journey, we decided that we couldn’t do the donor option if warranted as it would mean me carrying a ‘3rd party’ DNA in me during pregnancy. Our child would either be 100% out DNA or 0% out DNA if we then had to go down the adoption route (I’m adopted myself so no issue with adoption). Similarly we decided against DH using our embryos that are in the freezer if something happened to me but happy for me to carry them if I wanted if something happened to DH as this was asked in our clinic forms 💖

You sound really lovely OP, I think you would be a lovely parent, whatever path you take to get there.

Hi anonymous123, It honestly hadn’t crossed my mind that people wouldn’t be supportive. One person said they didn’t agree with donor conception and another said it was “weird”, but our close family were all supportive, which was the main thing.

I’m really sorry about the comment you received on Reddit. Being thoughtful about long-term implications doesn’t mean you’re not ready to be a parent. We were absolutely ready and loved being parents.

We were both very shocked when we first found out about DH’s infertility, but attending the Donor Conception Network meetings really helped us both. It helped us understand that children generally do well with being donor-conceived when they’re told about their origins from the beginning.

My DH did worry about the lack of a genetic link before the DC were born, but once they arrived, it faded in importance and he feels that they are his DC in every way.

Yes, excellent. Either are valid options. Hope you find what is right for you.

Hello. Please look at the Donor Conception Network where you will find many other heterosexual couples in your position, at all stages of the process. In my experience, donor conceived children can be extremely well adjusted particulary if the parents embrace and are open about the fact of their conception and support them in any interest they have in meeting biological relatives. Not telling isn't really an option (particularly with DNA tests being so common nowadays). I'd suggest, if you do go down this route, joining a donor conceived baby group with other parents with children a similar age so the kids are surrounded by people with similar origin stories and do not think of themselves as strange. I do believe that if there is an option for a willing to be known (rather than anonymous) donor that this is the better option ethnically, as I think people should have the right to know their biological relatives. The UK system mandates the release of the the donors ID at 18, but if you were to go abroad, as many people do, for egg or sperm donation, then anonymous donation is common. Some people might not care that they can never know, but many others will, and I don't think this is a decision I'd be comfortable making for my child (that said, I can understand making this decision if there was not sn
other way for me to have a baby).

I have three children via donor eggs due to infertility - we were honest with the children from the beginning, and they are all very happy, well-adjusted children who know how much they were wanted and loved from the beginning. I phrased it that my eggs were broken so a nice lady gave me some of hers to use. I couldn’t love them more, and it makes zero difference to our day to day family life that they are donor conceived - the parent child bond is just as strong as with other families.

DD is 15, almost 16, and I think she was about 7 when we first explained that I had needed help to have her and a really kind lady helped me - I think this might have been prompted by either something at school or on tv, we never hid it so would have mentioned it before but that was the first "proper" conversation.

There are so many more books and resources to support how to approach the subject with a child now but I think because we never hid it or made a massive song and dance it is just something that is a part of our history without being a major issue.

Good luck with whichever way you choose to grow (or not) your family ❣️

I know families who have come together in just about any way you can think of - they’re all beautiful and challenging for all sorts of reasons. I think you are asking wonderful and important questions and it really shows that you care. To be honest, I think you are already showing you’ll be an excellent and diligent parent so whoever path is for you, you’ll do everything you can for the children who end up in your home one way or another.

My cousin and her wife have 3 kids who were conceived by (anonymous) donor sperm - they each were pregnant once (her wife had twins) but the children are biologically half siblings as they used the same donor. I have a friend who adopted two children. My cousin’s friend had cancer as a child and her mum was her surrogate. All these children are loved and so desperately wanted.

i genuinely think either situation has wonderful and frightening stories. Nothing is a guarantee with kids - my in-laws raised two children - one is my wonderful husband and one is my sister in law who has had mental health struggles her entire life. Same family, same genes, totally different lives. So the caution there isn’t to never have children - the reminder there is that you can do everything ‘right’ and try really hard and there’s still a million things you’ll never be able to control. It’s the risk you take with any child and you can’t rationalise any of that away.

I think a few sessions either a therapist was a great idea- the most challenging thing from what you are listing would be having a child biologically related to one of you. It would be worth talking through to make sure the other person wasn’t resentful about this in any way.

We have two donor-conceived DC as my husband is infertile. They both have the same ID-release donor.

We were always open with them, so they’ve always known they are donor-conceived. They don’t seem to have any issues with it and they have a great relationship with my husband, who is very much their dad. We found Donor Conception Network meetings helpful when we were making our decisions.

We did consider adoption but had concerns about possible prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol and the risk of long-term effects, which influenced our decision.

We only told close family and friends initially and were surprised that some reactions weren’t very supportive.

Our oldest is now 19 and has accessed the donor’s identity and was pleased to have the information. Our other child isn’t interested. Neither of them want to connect with half-siblings.

Overall, it’s been a positive experience for us and them.

I'm not an expert but I think if you normalise donor conception and are open about it from very young children do well.

I know three people with children from donor eggs/ sperm and two in the process so it's definitely becoming more common.

Maybehood on Instagram has a donor egg son and writes very eloquently about it.

But is that cruel to bring a child into world via a donor when so many children already exist who need a loving home.. i do not know!

No more so than it is for parents who have children without a donor. If it’s ok for other parents to have their own biological kids rather than adopting, then it’s ok for you. I don’t see why it’s different or “cruel” just because you’d be using a donor.

Hi
I have been where you are. My (now ex) DH and I discovered we would never conceive naturally and explored the adoption process and the donor conception process.

There is no right or wrong answer, either route you are likely to feel grief; grief of one of you not being biologically connected to your child, grief at not carrying a pregnancy, grief that your experience isn’t “the normal or easy route”….

For what it’s worth, we went down the donor conception route (my egg and a donors sperm). We now have two beautiful children. They are still young so we haven’t worked out how best to explain their story to them but there are some wonderful children’s books out there (such a robobabies) which talk about different routes that parents take to extend their family, and I read these to them.

Whatever option you choose, take your time and have therapy to process the feelings.

wishing you well x

@Anonoymous123 . I am sorry you are in this position. Infertility is horrendous. I can only comment on the donor element of your post. I have a beautiful 2 year old, donor conceived (with my husband's sperm). He is not genetically mine but he IS biologically mine - I grew him, gave birth to him, breastfed him. We will tell him (in an age appropriate way) as he grows up. It is on my mind sometimes but as I think a previous poster has said, it's often only the negative stores on DC that are talked/posted about. We have an older child (naturally conceived) and she looks very like my 2 year old. We all love him so much and have no regrets. If you have any questions I'm happy to answer them.

I am my dps biological dd.. They were rubbish dps... Haven't seen them for decades...
Problems happen with 'proper' families ime.
You sound like you'd make a fantastic dm..
And hand on heart is your dh fab too?. That's all you need one.

I am so very grateful to my (anonymous) egg donor, DD is 15 now and I have never felt that she is anything but mine.

We have discussed several times over the years about the circumstances around her conception but not made an issue of it, if she decides in 3 years or more to contact the donor we will help and support but she doesn't seem to feel any great need.

I always felt that I would only ever be able to go through the hell of ivf once but she was worth every heartache.