Donor vs adoption

@Anonoymous123 I had no issues or negative feelings about DD meeting her birth family ( she has two siblings she has met with regularly since we adopted her )

When you love a child you do everything to protect team and everything you can to make them happy. If DD could have met her birth mother in a safe environment with my support as an older teen I'd have encouraged it because I know how much it would have meant to DD to have that experience. Sadly it is never to be.

Adoption workers will always give you the worst case scenarios at the early stages of the assessment process. They need you to be honest about what you could and couldn't deal with.

In the later stages there is a check list that you go through to say yes or no to certain issues. It's brutal but you have to be honest.

We adopted two beautiful babies. Our DS is super bright and had no more issues than a non adopted child. The other, our DD, had a far more traumatic early life story and developed health issues at age
12 and mental health issues at 14. It's been a difficult time and her adoption history has definitely made the other issues much harder to deal with but I don't regret anything.

Hi @Anonoymous123
Adoptive mum here- it's true that most children are adopted from local authority care these days, for a variety of reasons. It might be helpful to talk to Adoption Services in your area. They often have information evenings too.
Babies and toddlers are still available for adoption.

Our DD settled very well and family welcomed her just like any other child in our family. We have had problems along the way, she has her difficulties but is a strong, resilient character which has stood her in good stead for life (!)
She is now in a good place after some difficult times, which also impacted on my mental health.
I would say that you need good, strong family support around you- it makes a huge difference. And an understanding GP.

Re birth family; after both parties agreed to letter- box contact (letter and photos via Social Care) ours declined contact despite being written to by SC.
DD is ok with this. She initially said at 18, that she'd like to contact them. We talked about it and said this is her choice to which she simply said ' ok, I won't then'
Absolutely her choice.

Wishing you luck OP

DH and I decided on adoption as we felt that we really wanted to have a child that was both of our's biologically and as that wasn't possible then adoption was the only alternative.

We adopted DD and yes she was born addicted to heroin and we have had issues that have affected her physical and mental health over the years.

She is now 17 and has been reconnecting via social media with birth family.

She has decided not to meet them face to face because she can see that their lives are not like her's and she can tell that she wouldn't feel comfortable around them. I've offered to accompany her to meet them but she has said that for the moment she is content to leave things be.

Her birth mother died years ago sadly so it's just the extended family ( an Aunt and cousins ) who have shown an interest in meeting her.

She has said that it's only her birth mother that she would have had any interest in meeting. She said the fact that she spent 9 months in her womb is what makes the bond significant.

She has no interest whatsoever in knowing her birth father. She feels he is completely insignificant to her. She actually described him as just a sperm doner and that as far as she is concerned my DH is her father and she doesn't need another one.

Hi @Anonoymous123, just sent you private message

We have a child with donor sperm. Told kiddo when they were 1, via a bedtime story book( donor network). So they have always known. I said it was their story to share or not. The story is widely shared as its so interesting. YP is now 19.
We made contact with donor via our clinic. It satisfied an itch but YP never wanted to meet...just wanted to know more. We have photos of the donor, his bio parents ( so bio grandparents). YP is very well adjusted.
For me, it was a huge issue ahead of conception. Once kiddo was here, it became a minor concern, way down the list after keeping a baby alive, then dealing with school, friends, COVID etc.

Good luck.

Hi OP, this is a huge decision and I'm not surprised you're feeling stressed. My short response is that there is no 'right' answer so dig deep into what feels best for you.

Here's the longer response:

For many women, the urge to experience pregnancy and birth, and mothering a young baby, is very strong and shouldn't be ignored. Adoption can't give you this. Another thing to bear in mind is that, depending on your age, trying donor conception before adoption is more feasible than the other way round.

I had my first child through donor conception and the second through adoption. Both involved a ton load of ethical considerations and a commitment to continuing dialogue with the dc about biological, social and legal parenting. Our situation was quite different to yours, though, as we were a same sex couple from different ethnic backgrounds, so we would never be able to present as a 'normal' family. We also chose a known donor who, 20 years on, is still very involved. (I was going to put 'fathering' then realised that it would sound as if he was having new bsbies, a very different connotation to 'mothering'.)

Clearly issues around identity and knowing are key, but be wary of reading too much into accounts on social media which may not be at all representative. Do your research carefully and bear in mind that there are no guarantees.

On adoption, I think netflixfan's post was far too negative. It's just not true that successful adoptions are 'uncommon'. However, I think it is true that the parenting outcomes that most MNetters aspire to - happy uncomplicated kid who is heading for university - are fairly uncommon for us.

Many adopters struggle to let go of the hope that, with enough love and stability, their children can be just like everyone else's. We learn that our 'normal' is different, that love is not enough, and that most adopted children need high intensity therapeutic parenting.

I love my adopted child to bits and would never not want her here. But raising her to young adulthood has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I am knackered. And yes, I worry about her future and whether I will always need to support her and the children she is bound to have very soon.

I never recommend adoption to people. But if you do it you will find love, you will parent very intensively (while the world around you sees you as a diluted copy of the real thing), and you will become a fierce advocate for your child.

If you choose the donor route, you will have a much more 'normal' experience of parenthood but yes you will have to face some big questions around anonymous donors - and be prepared for the possibility that your child won't see it the way you do.

All motherhood requires accepting enormous responsibilities while having little control of some key areas. Parenting via DC or adoption is this with knobs on. Best of luck with your decision.

Life is hard.

People who conceive easily and naturally have no idea really.

So let’s not make it even harder for them

I teach teenagers. The ones who live with both biological parents aren't immune to identity crises either. Being a teenager is hard.

I feel your post is a little dismissive. Even with the best parental intentions, many donor conceived children will struggle with a sense of identity and their biological origin.

Whilst I really feel for the OP, telling her it’ll be fine, isn’t fully helpful. Sometimes it’s not ‘fine’. I hope your children continue to be fine, but you don’t know how they’ll feel as they get older. My friends sister was ‘fine’ til she started thinking about having her own children and then suddenly wasn’t so ‘fine’ in her late 20s.

I can’t say what others should do, but I think it’s very sensible that OP is reaching out and listening to a variety of stories and outcomes. It reflects well on you OP and I think people like you who are really considering how any future children would feel would make really good parents. Sometimes that isn’t enough to get over the issues and complexities that using a donor can bring though unfortunately. In my friends case, her parents were really good parents but my friend just isn’t ok with it. 😞 I really wish that wasn’t the case, but biology, identity etc really does matter to some people, it is a ‘big deal’ to some people and it can shape their lives.

I really do wish you all the best OP whatever you decide to do going forwards.💐

They both knew from when they were young. Their parents did all the ‘right’ things and were open in an age appropriate way so they have done nothing wrong in that way and are really nice people/good parents.

@CatherineCawoodsbestie It’s my friend, not my friends daughter and she does know her other parent/donor as that person chose to remove their right to anonymity.

the other point to make is that @NCposter friends daughter would have been born via anonymous donation. Therefore, she would not have the opportunity to contact him at 18. I think it is really different to now, when donors give sperm with the understanding that they may be contacted. They have a counselling session and they are no longer paid , so any donations are altruistic. It isn’t like it used to be when students were paid £20 for a wank!

It really isn’t a big deal for either of mine. We are mummy and mama, they have two parents. They know they can meet him/ build a relationship with him etc when they are 18 if they want to, or not. Both are totally relaxed and open about it.

It rarely comes up, they are not interested atm. Their focus is on friends, school, hobbies, leisure etc. I am sure that the curiosity will come - and that’s fine too.

You will see the extreme stories online. It really doesn’t have to be a drama. They are not the only donor conceived children they know, plus they know both children and adult adoptees. Please don’t panic reading extreme online forums. It is going to be fine. 😀

We had to make a similar decision to you and chose an egg donor from a country in Europe where it's anonymous (not my first choice but we couldn't make head nor tail of the UK system and time was pressing).

We have been entirely open with DD and she seems quite comfortable about it all. I won't discourage her if she wants to get a DNA test when she's a little older (she's 13).

I gave her the (foreign, unusual in the UK) name of the IVF coordinator as a middle name so we could never "forget". We have been to the donor country once, at her request, to see it. She sometimes wears their flag colours on school dress up days and describes herself as "part [donor country]".

I'm happy with our decisions. She looks like my husband's family. Occasionally it has been a little weird that one of my nieces looks more like me than my own child, but it's not a major thing.

We did apply to adopt but were rejected for rather odd and upsetting reasons - long story, but we did try. It's not at all straightforward and the feelings of the would be adopters are tangential to the process, understandably.

Good luck!

It is such a personal decision. All I can do is share my experience and decision making rationale.

i am in a SS relationship and therefore faced the same options , albeit without the trauma of infertility.

I knew I would not countenance donor sperm when it was donated anonymously because I did not think this was fair for the child and the importance of their identity and biological heritage. (I am a Social Worker). Nor did I want a known donor as an involved third parent. In my early thirties, the law changed to enable children to be given details of biological donor and siblings at 18 and 16 respectively, and at this stage, from an ethical perspective I felt comfortable with this. I recognised that this could result in difficulties / distress for our child, but I believed that we could overcome this with support, love, openness and so on.

My wife has her own decisions to make as the non bio mum; she understanly was anxious that a child would not consider her a ‘real’ parent - but she wanted children and didn’t want to carry .

we used the London Sperm bank - again , for some reason I didn’t want to use the cheaper European ones that provided more information - I wanted a UK based donor. As soon as I was pregnant (third attempt), we purchased more sperm so that hopefully, a sibling would be a full sibling and they could share the journey to make contact with their biological donor should they want to.

My wife’s anxieties were unfounded; she adored our son and they are far closer then I am to him! They share interests, humour, mannerisms and so on, although he looks like me. Our second child is his full sibling.

We had kids books about donor conception, same sex parents, different types families and so on. It is all they have known. We have answered all questions honestly and they both know that we are completely supportive about them finding their donor either one or both. Neither are interested at the moment (both teens) - but I expect it will probably change at some stage. (I would love to meet him because I am nosey , plus I want to thank him for gifting us two amazing humans! )

As an aside, a good friend has a daughter from egg donor conception, and she opted to sit her down and tell her at 10, which did not go well. Early openness and just being matter of fact and relaxed about it is definitely my preference - albeit we couldn’t exactly hide it! 😂😂.

Adoption was not for me. I have huge respect for adopters - I had worked for 15 years in child protection and adoption and as such, was very involved in the complexities and likely trauma the children had faced. I already held trauma from the amount of children who had been through awful things I had removed and placed for adoption. Subsequently, I worked in post adoption disruptions, so my view was coloured and I knew that I do not have the incredible skills that our adopters had. But, saying that, I know a lot of people that have adopted children and have had amazing experiences and it is just sad that the nature of my work meant that I worked with those at the extreme end of the spectrum.

So that is my story and thought process.
There is no wrong decision. And any child will be blessed to have such thoughtful parents who will love and support them.

Do keep us posted!

One of my closest friends (and her sister) was conceived via a donor. It has caused her a lot of issues around identity and belonging. She started having therapy at 20. Her relationship with her parents is complex as she loves them but feels angry at the decision they made. She is in touch with lots of donor conceived people who are struggling. It has affected her relationships and she’s decided not to have children herself due to her complex feelings around her own family, For that reason, it’s a road I would never go down.