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Original poster

Some cheering up needed here, desperate to start TTC but circumstances conspiring against us....(long)

30 replies

LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 13:53

So....have posted on this before but could do with some MN style support again....Not sure if it should be in this topic or miscarriage, to be honest, but hey ho.

We lost our second son at 20 weeks in Feb (very severe heart defect, we reluctantly went for a termination) and unfortunately I was on a fixed term contract at work (maternity cover) which ended in March and wasn't renewed. I knew it wouldn't be renewed, but as the baby was due in June that wasn't going to be a problem.

Now we find ourselves with no baby and I don't have a job, and we can't afford for me not to be working when we have another DC. (I know I could get MA but don't know how we'd survive the 9 months of pregnancy with me out of work - only have enough money to last until Sep.)

Have been looking for a job since March with no luck yet, but I'm feeling really frustrated because even when I get one, which doesn't seem to be happening, I feel I ought to wait a bit to settle into the job before TTC number 3. So I feel like the next baby is ages and ages and ages away, and I'm terrified that by the time we try I'll be too old (I'm 34) and it won't work....

And of my two friends who were also due in June, one has had her baby, the other one is about to....and I ran into another girl from my antenatal class today who announced that they're having another one in November....and I just wanted to cry when she told me. And then she said 'You look well, have you lost weight, you look much thinner' and I wanted to scream 'That's because last time you saw me I'd just lost a 20 week baby, you stupid woman!'

I know she didn't mean to be insensitive.

And DH is still grieving and I don't think he wants to TTC yet even if we could afford it, because he thinks I need to start working again to get myself back onto an even keel mentally, which is probably true.

And now we've booked to go on holiday in July with some friends who had their second DC in March, and I'm starting to wonder if it's a good idea, if just seeing pregnant people makes me feel like this.

Someone wave a magic wand and make it ok for us to start TTC right now, please! I just want to get on with it....

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 03/06/2008 13:55

Thanks Twinklemegan for your wise words and compliments about DS - always welcome!

I guess we'd reached a certain standard of living with me working 3 days a week which we'd be reluctant to give up, not that it's luxurious or anything but we're happy and we feel it's a good life for DS.

If I became a SAHM and took DS out of nursery completely, then we could just scrape by, but I don't think I'd be happy doing that because he loves his nursery so much and gets lots out of it, and I do enjoy working as long as it's not FT. So it does make sense for me to get a job before TTC, it's just so frustrating feeling the days pass by and sending off applications which seem to vanish into a black hole.

and I do wonder whether the DCs we want should come first, and the rest of life be arranged around that.

My rational head says 'Wait till you have a job' and my emotional head says 'Baby! Now!'

I think maybe DP and I need to sit down and set a time limit - if I don't have a job by XXX time, then we decide to go the SAHM route and work out how to do that, and start TTC. Otherwise this could go on for a while!

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Twinklemegan · 02/06/2008 23:34

Oh my goodness LMD, you've been through so much. When you say you can't afford for you not to be working, do you mean you might have to move to a smaller house or that you really couldn't afford it? Have you looked at the tax credits you'd get in different scenarios for example? Don't forget to factor in the childcare costs - I'm sure you've done all this. I know it sounds dreadful reducing it down to financial practicalities, but honestly if that is what is holding you back then you need to see if you can find a way.

Having had real trouble conceiving my first child I am very much of the opinion that you really cannot plan these things. Things are far from ideal for us - I'm on a year's contract having packed in a horrendous job, and DH's work was incompatible with family life. So I'm a WOHM hoping for my job to go permanent and DH is a SAHD - not where either of us wanted to be in an ideal world. But we're coping and I wouldn't change things for the world if it meant not having DS.

HTH a bit (and your DS is gorgeous!)

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2008 23:19

I knew what you meant!

Off to bed now but i'll keep looking out for your posts Littlemy and hope you can have good discussions with dp.

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 22:48

Thanks majormoo - so sorry to hear about your baby

but it's really interesting to hear that being pregnant again was difficult. I think I have this idea that it would make everything alright, but that's probably a bit daft, isn't it?

I think I'm realising that DP and I need to talk about this all a bit more - I haven't really given him the opportunity to tell me how he feels, just assumed that he feels the same as I do.... [shame emoticon]

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majormoo · 02/06/2008 22:43

LittleMy-I just wanted to say that I sympathise. Our second baby had Trisomy 13 so we also reluctantly went through a termination (though at 12 weeks so earlier than you.) For health reasons we had to wait a while to TTC again and it was tortuous. I was lucky that I got pregnant very quickly when we did try but the months in between were like limbo and it was hard hearing or seeing others pregnancy news. What I would say- with the very easy to say now-benefit of hindsight, is that those months of grieving were very important and I found being pregnant again very hard. I do not know how I would have coped if I had got pregnant straight away. Of course, of the other hand, it would have been hard whenever it happened.

As notherner said, you will find a new normal. Experiences like this do change you, so I really hope you and your DH can get through this together, and in a way, brush aside work, money etc when really talking about what having another pregnancy/child would mean

Good luck

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 22:32

I meant someone thinking of us, not something - oops!

I don't think you're a thing....

thanks again, Northern, you're lovely. x

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NorthernLurker · 02/06/2008 22:29

His interest is happiness! How wonderful - that is so sweet!
I think you are doing really well btw. Will think of you all on the 19th.

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 22:24

As for DS - we're very proud of him, and he keeps me sane! His latest interest is happiness - he walked home from nursery saying 'DS is happy, Daddy is happy, Mummy is happy, Bunny is happy, the cars are happy, the road is happy' etc etc

Can't help but smile, can you?

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 22:22

You're right, there is no such thing as normal any more, we have to just keep going forward as best we can. I think it's just one of those awful things about grief, that just when you think you are moving forward, something hurls you back a few steps.

and thank you very much for asking - his due date was 19th June. I found myself worrying about whether I would be more upset if noone remembered, or if people did and wanted to talk to me about it, so it would be lovely to know something was quietly thinking of us.

thank you x

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NorthernLurker · 02/06/2008 22:17

I can see the pics - what a gorgeous wee boy!

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2008 22:17

Is 'normal' really an option though? What happened to you and to Daniel has changed you all - you can't go back much as we would all want to. I think your only route is to go forward to a new normal - perhaps you need to say to dp that your future may or not involve a job in the short or long term but you definately want it to involve another child so together you need to make making that happen your priority. It's not a rubbish thing to do to an employer either - we all live in the grown up real world and in the real world adult women have children and go back to work. They just need to suck it up!

Do you mind me asking - what day was Daniel's due date - i would like to be thinking of you all then and praying for a peaceful day for you.

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 22:11

ps can you see pics of DS on my profile? have uploaded for first time and not sur if it's worked.

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 22:10

Hello NorthernLurker - you always talk a lot of sense! I know really that just throwing caution to the winds isn't an option, and you're right, Daniel's due date approaching is affecting us both in different ways.

I just feel so frustrated and sad and angry that not only did we lose our son, but now I have to WAIT (not something I'm good at) before I can do the thing I instinctively feel would make me feel better.

It's like I'm stuck in this limbo until I get a job, and I only want a job so I can have another baby, which is a rubbish thing to do to an employer.

Think DP would really like me to start being my 'normal' self again before he'll consider another baby, while I feel that another baby is what would help me get back to that 'normal' self.

Sigh.

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cadelaide · 02/06/2008 21:49

Yes LMD, I meant you'd manage.

Northern says some good stuff too, though.

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2008 21:47

Hi Littlemy
I think you would manage ok - but I also think it's important to consider why dp doesn't want to try and for you to tell him exactly why you do. Your sons due date is a big deal isn't it - for both of you - and you will both be reacting to it in different ways. In your shoes I would want to ttc asap as well. Not to generalise too much but I think men do react to this situation in a very different way. They are often all about minimising pain, not risking our hearts again too quickly whereas I think most women are more about knowing the risk of heartache and braving it because what we want is worth so much more.
Take care and good luck with this whatever you decide

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 20:38

bump for you lovely evening ladies - say cheering things to me, DP is away until Thursday night so it's just me and a glass of vino....

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 18:04

what do you believe? that we'd manage?

I do too....

now how do I persuade DP?

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cadelaide · 02/06/2008 17:39

"seriously though, am tempted just to throw caution to the winds and get pg anyway.....we'd manage somehow.

wouldn't we?"

You said it LMD, and I believe it.

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 17:29

Thanks Singingintherain, sounds like you are having such a tough time - so sorry about your 2 mc's

I know we'd manage somehow, of course we would, because we'd have to, but it seems somehow rash to deliberately put ourselves into that position, iyswim. And I don't think DP would be happy....

am feeling a bit better as I just picked DS up from nursery and he told me he was very happy and gave me a cuddle

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Singingintherain · 02/06/2008 16:24

I am so sorry for you. I am 35 with 2 dd and just gone through 2 mc's. One in November 15 weeks with brain damage and the other in March at 8 weeks did not start off in the first place.

I had my first when I was 21'ish. Just before I found out I lost my job, signed for my house and I was getting married in four months time and my DH was doing a degree. We had no money, but looked at everything we could to manage. I went temping and they kep me on until I gave birth and I cheered myself up buying a Wedding dress with my mother. (I already bought one just before I found out and could not take it back, but I bought it on my own).

My family really tried and in the end I managed. I had my second again whilst temping as I knew that I could work when I felt like it. I know this is a situation personal to me and I do not expect everyone to be able to be the same, but I felt in control.

I am now ttc again and part way through waiting to find out if I am +++. I thought it was too late, but the Doctor told me here that he was not worried about my age and that I should only worry when I get to 43.

We all think we may not manage, and I know it is easy to say you will. But, there must be something that tells you carry on ttc.

I wish I could offer more help, but you have to decide what you really want and hope.

Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 16:03

seriously though, am tempted just to throw caution to the winds and get pg anyway.....we'd manage somehow.

wouldn't we?

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 15:07

ok then, shall have to go and unload dishwasher and hang out washing. you've forced me into it.

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 14:40

come on, someone say something nice....or at least tell me how to eradicate snails...

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 14:30

bump

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Original poster
LittleMyDancing · 02/06/2008 14:12

that's good to know cadelaide and I'm really glad you got your DC3 after all that heartache - I don't know why the age gap thing is such an obsession for me. I think because we were all three years apart in our family (theres 5 of us) I feel this is the optimum gap!

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